Tempted

LegacyUser

I am a man 49 years old and alone. I have had no luck over the years building a long with women and now find myself alone.

Last weekend I was invited to spend time away by my good friend, with his wife, child and some other family members.

While we were away I spent a little time with his wife while a group of us were out walking. The two of us fell behind the group a little deep in talk. I know this woman 20+ years, was best man at there wedding, and always got on great with her. But I haven't really spent any time with her one to one. She's brilliant. Intelligent, sexy interesting. I had a crush on her straight away

Back then at the hotel she went upstairs to get changed and I took a moment and followed her. I'd almost caught up with her when she was going into her room and called her quietly just as her husband, my friend, appeared around the corner. So I made some crap up about wanting to see this part of the hotel and knew an opportunity might have passed.

Then after dinner we had some wine and I spent the entire evening chatting and flirting with my friends wife until they went off to bed.

Next day of course I realised what I'd been doing and feel really bad. I am nuts about this woman, my mates wife. And I know it will cost if I try anything, even if she was to respond I'd cause all sorts of damage. But I really want her and that seems to obliterate my conscience.

Am I wrong to not give a **** what happens to my friend and his family just so I can be happy? I feel wrong, but I feel entitled to be happy also.

I don't want to not take the risk. What if she would accept me, then it'd be so worth it, but if she rejected me I'll lose a good friend and be even more broken hearted.

Tokyo

Alone in love wrote: »

I know this woman 20+ years, was best man at there wedding, and always got on great with her....

...Am I wrong to not give a **** what happens to my friend and his family just so I can be happy? I feel wrong, but I feel entitled to be happy also.

Honestly OP, it's not often that a thread here surprises me, but what answer do you think you're going to get to that question? You were this guy's best man, which would imply a close friendship, a friendship that has lasted over 20 years, and you are perfectly willing to destroy a friendship, and a marriage and family if necessary, just because you have a crush on your friend's wife?!

The woman is talking to you and spending time with you because she is your friend, and she trusts you, a trust built up over 20 years of friendship between you and her family - NOT because she has suddenly developed an infatuation for you and wants you to whisk her away from a life of drudgery. The way you are describing your interactions with your friend's wife, they come across as devious, underhand and downright creepy. And the best case scenario is that your friend's wife thinks the same. Worst case scenario... I'm sure that you know that already.

You want my honest advice? Right now you are being the worst kind of friend there is if you are even remotely entertaining this idea, and the biggest favour you can do yourself and them right now is to stay far away from them until you get over this infatuation, however long it takes. There are other, unattached women out there - focus on meeting one of them instead.

Merkin

You should be ashamed of yourself. Your friend, obviously sensing that you are lonely etc, has opened up his home and heart to you by inviting you on a family weekend and you repay him by trying to seedily crack on to his wife by following her through corridors of a hotel and hoping she'll get with you?

Get a grip.

eviltwin

So you have a crush on her, it happens but don't kid yourself that you have fallen in love with her or that she feels anything for you just because she was being nice and friendly.

Whatever you think might happen probably won't happen and if your friend gets wind of this you can probably bet your ass he won't be a friend for much longer.

Go out and meet someone but stay clear of women who are taken especially those taken by people who are your friends.

kjl

OK, I have been in a similar situation, they weren't married but a friends girlfriend.

I am going to give you advice I wish someone had given to me. Don't bother. You are setting yourself up to fail. Even if she does share you feeling, do you think she will just leave her husband for you? Do you think there won't be any repercussions?

I think you might be lonely and as she had shown you some attention so you are focusing on what might be. I can tell you now, there will be nothing but pain for all three of you.

I would distance myself from her, Block her on fb (if you are friends with her) and try to never talk to her again. Try to find yourself a single girl who you can build a relationship with.

miamee

OP you are being supremely selfish and narrow-minded here

You admit that you are lonely and don't normally get along with women; you developed a crush on someone who was nice, kind, fun, chatty because you are not used to that.

I think you should take a few days to think about this before you do ANYthing - don't call her, text her, email her, suddenly 'turn up' somewhere you think she will be - nothing. I hope you will come to your senses and see what you are proposing doing and the awful consequences of it for yourself as much as anyone else.

CaraMay

Imagine in your wildest dreams she leaves her husband and kids for you, she will not be the same secure and carefree woman she is now. She will be riddled with guilt, stressed within an inch of her life and she will only be a shadow of the woman she is now. Do you want that for her? Are you that selfish?

What were you trying to achieve by following her upstairs to the room she shares with her husband? what opportunity do you think you were going to get? You dodged a big bullet there as she would have told her husband you made a move on her and the poo would have hit the fan.

I am actually shocked by your self delusion. I know its hard to be alone for years at a time but hitting on your best friends wife, while you are away on a family trip with them, is NOT the way to go.

Move away from them as friends and find someone who is single and definitely not already part of a family......

IrishEyes19

Do this and nine times out of ten it will result in ruining a friends marriage, losing all of your friends and social circle within that group.

Are you right for wanting to be happy? In this case you are not, it isn't yours to take.

karaokeman

OP I think you should just forget about it.

There is a saying and it goes like this - "If she cheats with you, she will cheat on you". If you understand this, you will know why it won't matter even if she likes you back, think how you would feel if you were in your friends shoes and one of your mates did the same to you and your hypothetical wife.

The woman has been married to your friend for 20+ years, you should be proud for them, not trying to take her from your friend.

And please don't follow this woman or any others if they go off to get changed, if you become comfortable with stalking it will ruin your chances of hooking up with any decent woman.

Get out more, meet other women, what you are doing now just looks desperate.

Little Acorn

Agree with all the posters telling you how wrong this is.

What the hell were you playing at following this woman to her bedroom when she was getting changed?! That is seriously creepy, you said it was the first time you ever had a one on one chat with her and after this one conversation you've decided that you are crazy about her and that she would actually reciprocate your feelings if you followed her to her bedroom! That is worryingly deluded imo.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that you're hopefully not normally this creepy and that it is extreme loneliness that has caused this bizarre reaction to your friend's wife. I'm only doing so because you went to the effort of making this thread so I'm thinking that deep down you must know it is completely wrong.

I think you could ask some other friends for advice on meeting people, or get more involved in local activities where you might meet somebody nice. If the loneliness ever gets crippling maybe speak to a counsellor about it, there might be something in your behaviour that you don't recognise that causes relationship problems. Of course there might not be either you probably have just been unlucky but it's just a possibility.

It would be beyond scummy to make advances on your friend's wife especially since it's a 20 plus year friendship and you were best man at their wedding.

I agree with the posters who think this is just an infatuation you have and not real romantic feelings for this woman. You know her so long but only suddenly felt crazy about her when she spoke one on one with you for the first time ever? Sounds like an infatuation to me anyways that is just caused by loneliness. I think you should keep your distance until this fades and work on finding your own partner if you really want to be with someone. Don't try it with your best friend's wife.

Merkin

Little Acorn wrote: »

What the hell were you playing at following this woman to her bedroom when she was getting changed?! That is seriously creepy, you said it was the first time you ever had a one on one chat with her and after this one conversation you've decided that you are crazy about her and that she would actually reciprocate your feelings if you followed her to her bedroom! That is worryingly deluded imo.

I found this deeply disturbing as well. I'm wondering if you consider this type of behavior to be the norm OP and that you simply don't pick up on social cues perhaps? Because following a woman to a room where she intended to get changed is just not on. She's also your best friend's wife - someone who was merely friendly and hospitable to you for a brief time and you saw that as a green light for you to make advances?

I am sorry that you are lonely OP and have never had any luck with women but I am wondering if this type of misreading of social situations is typical for you and has resulted in your lack of success.

Mr. Incognito

I think there is a reason that you have never had a long term relationship if you cannot put your best friends of 20 years happiness ahead of your own fleeting moment of selfishness.

I would rise in some indignant rage but I really just feel so sorry for you if this is what you are reduced to.

I think you need to seek some counselling to get to the heart of your issues. You can learn to love yourself and do the right thing at any age. In the meantime stay away from women if you know what is good for you.

fungun

Little Acorn wrote: »

What the hell were you playing at following this woman to her bedroom when she was getting changed?! That is seriously creepy, you said it was the first time you ever had a one on one chat with her and after this one conversation you've decided that you are crazy about her and that she would actually reciprocate your feelings if you followed her to her bedroom! That is worryingly deluded imo.

This is almost exactly what I was going to post. Within an hour or two of having your first conversation, you thought what....that she would betray her husband of 20 years for a quick fumble with you?
You were damn lucky her husband was around imo, that would have been a disaster.

Do you watch a lot of porn to offset your loneliness? Genuinely Id be concerned that maybe without someone to bounce ideas off, you have somehow got a warped idea of what reality is (maybe from porn) and what women want and like.

Neyite

Its a pretty unanimous response on the thread OP, that its wrong. And you know this. But you felt a connection with her, and perhaps romantically feel that she might feel the same way and that all her vows and commitments and love for her husband and her life with him will melt away unnoticed and leave the two of you hand in hand walking off into the sunset for your happy ever after.

But that's a fantasy. A daydream that will never happen. Why? Because she comes with baggage if she does come to you at all. Divorce, mediation, custody arrangements, financial arrangements, rows, arguments and rivers of tears and all the other emotions from your (former) friend, their child, his wife, and you. Lives and homes destroyed for what? So that she can end up on the scrap heap like your previous failed relationships?

Look at your previous relationships first and foremost. The common denominator is you. So what went wrong each time? Were you expecting too much of them then became disappointed when they didnt measure up to your expectations? Did you fall in love quickly before really knowing them, much like you did here? Did you put yourself and your needs first and foremost like you feel entitled to do to your friend?

Is it possible that you envy your friend the life he built with this woman - surrounded by friends and family, a loving unit that you wish you had, and that is translating into a crush on her?

Stavro Mueller

It wouldn't surprise me if your friend's suspicious already. How can you be sure he didn't hear you calling his wife just before he came around the corner? Or that he bought the flimsy excuse you come up with? Then you spent the evening flirting with his missus... Don't bet against her figuring out what was going on as well.

All this centres around you. You suddenly became infatuated with this woman and didn't think twice about following her to her room. Did it even occur to you that she'd have been less than pleased to find you hot on her heels? Or that she'd have been horrified/creeped out to find out you had the hots for her. From what you've told us, she doesn't sound like she's interested in you at all but was being nice. As for the flirting, there are married people who like to flirt just for the craic when they're out socially. Often right in front of their partners who know it's just a bit of harmless fun.

Some of the posters have speculated about you possibly having difficulties misreading social situations. It's something to have a think about - you may not be good at knowing what acceptable boundaries are either.

missjm

It always amazes me how many men mistake 'just being nice' or 'friendliness' for something sexual. From what you described of your friend's wife having a conversation with you, she was being nice to you. She was being friendly to you. Where in all of this was there any indication she wanted something sexual with you? That HAS to be a two way street. You following her to her room when she went to get changed was totally inappropriate - under any circumstances. I think you have a bit of a skewed understanding of what attraction and especially mutual attraction is. I don't want to be mean here but just because this woman showed you some kindness does not mean she wants anything physical with you.
So you have a crush on her. She's not yours to have so you don't act on it, simple as that. There are boundaries and rules in life, even when it comes down to relationships.

I think you might gain a lot from some counselling or guidance in this area to be honest. It may even help you a lot in your future dealings with women and benefit you in finding somebody.

Whatsgonewrong

You could be feeling something for her that Isn't real, and It could all be down to your lonliness. I wouldn't do It, because If I were In your mates position I would be devastated

Rekop dog

Go for it imo

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you sound really desperate, and I mean that in the kindest way possible. And because you are so desperate for love and companionship that you have mistaken friendship for deeper feelings on her part.

I also think the fact that you are so desperate means you were not subtle in your approach to her, and she almost certainly picked up on it. As did her husband probably. When you followed her to her room, there is a chance her husband followed YOU to make sure she was ok. And I'd guess she was absolutely relieved to see him come around the corner when she saw you following her.

She is unavailable to you. That is all you need know. She is your friend's wife. She will be friendly and nice to you BECAUSE she is your friend's wife (although, you may find that now she will keep a bit of distance between you)

Find someone else to occupy your time.

Merkin

Rekop dog wrote: »

Go for it imo

On what basis? I'm all ears.

karaokeman

Merkin wrote: »

On what basis? I'm all ears.

Don't feed the trolls.

OP don't take Rekop dog's advise, if you make a move on her you are only going to get hurt.

kjl

As the OP hasn't replied to this thread, I would imagine it might have been a spur of the moment feeling which after our berating he may have come to his senses.

Rekop dog

Merkin wrote: »

On what basis? I'm all ears.

On the basis that we only live once and it's not easy to find that rapport that he and his friends wife had on this trip as explained in op.

So it boils down to whether the potential gain (however slim) of making his move on her is worth losing a friend and all the messy fall out.
He clearly doesn't value his friendship too highly with this guy to even contemplate this and seems pretty unhappy/frustrated with life currently so it seems he has little to lose and a whole lot to gain.

Follow your heart, and don't listen to all the disingenuous advice here.

CaraMay

Rekop dog wrote: »

On the basis that we only live once and it's not easy to find that rapport that he and his friends wife had on this trip as explained in op.

So it boils down to whether the potential gain (however slim) of making his move on her is worth losing a friend and all the messy fall out.
He clearly doesn't value his friendship too highly with this guy to even contemplate this and seems pretty unhappy/frustrated with life currently so it seems he has little to lose and a whole lot to gain.

Follow your heart, and don't listen to all the disingenuous advice here.

And it's always very easy to give 'genuine' advice when it's not your own life you are cocking up.

Op move on...

Tokyo

Rekop dog - like every other member here, you are entitled to your opinion. What you are NOT entitled to do is label everybody else's opinion as somehow inferior or insincere compared to your own.

If you are unfamiliar with these rules, please read them before posting here again, as future comments like this will be met with infractions or a ban.

Regards,
Mike

Rekop dog

mike_ie wrote: »

Rekop dog - like every other member here, you are entitled to your opinion. What you are NOT entitled to do is label everybody else's opinion as somehow inferior or insincere compared to your own.

If you are unfamiliar with these rules, please read them before posting here again, as future comments like this will be met with infractions or a ban.

Regards,
Mike

Well I'm not too sure you're all that familiar with rules, where have you plucked that one from? Wheras you let some of the actual rules on that link slide in this very thread without any comment just because it sided with your own views on the issue at hand.

How and ever I just felt for the OP who was met with a barrage of indignant posts from people feigning concern for people they've never met in their lives. If we genuinely got this emotionally involved in every perceived injustice we meet in life we wouldn't be able to function/get out of bed in the morning.

Taltos

Just to remind posters per our charter please don't challenge a mod on thread, take it offline.

Questioning a mod action in a thread in the Personal Issues forum is considered off topic and unhelpful posting and may result in a ban from the forum.

Thanks
Taltos

Holsten

I'd cop yourself on VERY fast OP.

This will NOT go the way you want and you'll lose two good friends.

Go find yourself your own women, build up a relationship and then you'd be in the poistion to have a lovely partner AND two very good friends.

IrishEyes19

Rekop dog wrote: »

Well I'm not too sure you're all that familiar with rules, where have you plucked that one from? Wheras you let some of the actual rules on that link slide in this very thread without any comment just because it sided with your own views on the issue at hand.

How and ever I just felt for the OP who was met with a barrage of indignant posts from people feigning concern for people they've never met in their lives. If we genuinely got this emotionally involved in every perceived injustice we meet in life we wouldn't be able to function/get out of bed in the morning.

Maybe you should consider, Rekop Dog, that you are feigning concern too for a complete stranger and egging him on to try and screw up a family unit. That's riddiculous by the way, injustice is never black and white but intentionally trying to come onto a best friends partner is as clear as day now, so playing the "you only live once card" does not cut it.

OP, obviously no one can tell you want to do. But in reality, this is a family you are talking about, I think this was a fleeting moment where you enjoyed someones company, take the positives from that and try it out in social settings and you might meet someone. I'm sorry but what you are doing is wrong, there is no justifying it. I don't see how anyone can.

LegacyUser

I think you are letting your longing for a connection with someone seriously cloud your judgement.

It sounds like this woman was just being nice to you - and that you've never had such personal chats with her before. This could be just down to circumstance, or that she's making an extra effort because your good friend asked her to, or because she feels a bit sorry for you. I think you've blown this out of all rational proportion into her 'wanting' you.

Even the title of your post 'tempted' is bizzare. I would highly doubt that she was 'tempting' you. And following her to her room is so creepy that it makes me worry for you. It's a truly horrible thing to do - to you your friend, but also so very creepy and intimidating for her. It's not normal behaviour, by a long shot.

I think you've let your loneliness really inappropriately fixate on this woman, with no rational reason to think that anything was going on. And that her husband - your friend - noticed your odd behaviour, and followed to make sure his wife was ok.

Hopefully this was one very very misjudged situation by you OP. If so, then grow up and stop acting like an immature and very inappropriate teenager. If this isn't an isolated incident, please seek help.

denhaagenite

My two cents

I've known my husband's best friend for almost 8 years, much better than the rest of his friends as we all live in a different country. I am closer to him than I am to a lot of my own friends or family, and as a result tell him things that sometimes I wouldn't even talk to my husband about. I am also far more affectionate with him than I am with most people, worry about him being on his own and would do almost anything for him.

The only reasons for this are that I know my husband trusts him implicitly and as such, he's like a brother to him. We have even started to introduce eachother to people as brother and sister because sometimes it's easier than explaining all the trials and tribulations that have got us to the friendship we have today.

However, I have never once had feelings for the guy. We can have the closeness that we have because I trust my husbands choice of friends and because he trusts his friends choice of wife. Not to mention the fact that my husband trusts (and loves) both of us. If we ever broke up there would be one hell of a struggle in the divorce!!

I'm not going to tell you that you're a horrible human being. It stands to reason that you would have more in common with a friend's wife than a lot of other women, you have stuff in common with your friend and I'm sure he has stuff in common with his wife. There's a Venn diagram to go along with that . Just be aware that this overnight change of heart probably has more to do with infatuation than anything else. If anything were to happen it would have to be at her behest, and she has a lot more to lose than you do.

Give yourself and her some space. No contact, and make a conscious effort to meet women that are unattached. Maybe you're totally imagining things, maybe some seed has been planted in her or maybe they were having some problems and she was leading you on out of annoyance or anger at him. Maybe she feels sorry for you, who knows. Just do not do anything because if it doesn't come from her then it probably won't end well for you. Even if it does come from her it probably won't end well.

fungun

denhaagenite wrote: »

I've known my husband's best friend for almost 8 years, much better than the rest of his friends as we all live in a different country. I am closer to him than I am to a lot of my own friends or family, and as a result tell him things that sometimes I wouldn't even talk to my husband about. I am also far more affectionate with him than I am with most people, worry about him being on his own and would do almost anything for him.

lol i see the point you are trying to make, but telling your husbands best friend things that you wouldnt tell your husband? I actually do find that weird!!! Thats like forcing your husbands best friend to keep secrets from him.

denhaagenite

fungun wrote: »

lol i see the point you are trying to make, but telling your husbands best friend things that you wouldnt tell your husband? I actually do find that weird!!! Thats like forcing your husbands best friend to keep secrets from him.

We are very alike as people and sometimes it does help to have a sounding board to reassure yourself that you're not going mad- I do the same for him. As I said he's like a brother to me and it wasn't easy to get to that point. Hubby hears it eventually 9 times out of 10 and everyone's happy so if none of us have problems with that it's all that matters.

LegacyUser

denhaagenite wrote: »

We are very alike as people and sometimes it does help to have a sounding board to reassure yourself that you're not going mad- I do the same for him. As I said he's like a brother to me and it wasn't easy to get to that point. Hubby hears it eventually 9 times out of 10 and everyone's happy so if none of us have problems with that it's all that matters.

Well you have robbed your hubbie of an independent person to confide in, whose loyalty is to him/their friendship, so it is a bit unfair tbh.

denhaagenite

You've taken over his friend! wrote: »

Well you have robbed your hubbie of an independent person to confide in, whose loyalty is to him/their friendship, so it is a bit unfair tbh.

Wow, off topic and none of your business.

Neyite

You've taken over his friend! wrote: »

Well you have robbed your hubbie of an independent person to confide in, whose loyalty is to him/their friendship, so it is a bit unfair tbh.

Here in PI, replies should be on topic and addressed to the original poster. You have posted on PI before so you are familiar with our charter. If you are not, I suggest you familarise yourself with it before posting again.

denhaagenite wrote: »

Wow, off topic and none of your business.

If you have an issue with a post, report it please.