Should I cut my losses?

LegacyUser

About three years ago I was introduced to my now best friend, through Facebook. It was through my cousin, who happens to be his cousin too but on her Mam's side, whilst I'm related to her on her Dad's side. It was just witty banter at the start underneath her status between us both and then he added me as a friend and I think a friendship just gradually formed from there. We just clicked I think and it was nice having someone who I could ask advise on friends or relationships who didn't know any of my friends personally and he felt the same way. We would text almost everyday because we never really ran out of things to talk about and in that time we just grew really close.

It was about two years before we met in person (we lived in different counties and neither of us were ever near one another, there was really no need to organise a meet-up to be honest). I had to move down to where he lived to go to do an add on course. He was still living at home and going to uni, and a lot of his friends did the same but I was pretty new to the city and he introduced me to all his friends etc. We got on just as well in person and it was great to have a close friend with me starting off somewhere new.

Fast forward to present day and I'm worried that maybe we're spending too much time together. It sounds stupid but I didn't realise how odd, I suppose, the friendship looked from the outside. A group of us went to a houseparty a couple of weekends back and I was chatting away to him and a few of his friends and I left the group to go into the kitchen to get something. A girl who's an acquaintance followed me in and asked me how long I was going out with him? Of course I said no, we weren't a couple straight away but she looked puzzled and said that she thought we were going out for ages! It turned out that she really liked him and so did a few other girls but they thought there was something going on. She brought in her friend (who seems crazy about him) and she was also shocked. When the two of us were on our own she said to me that maybe I should back off a little because girls can find that thing kind of thing threatening.

That got me thinking that maybe I should back off... a lot. I'm not even as close with any of my female friends who I've known for years! In all honestly we spend an unreal amount of time together, he's probably in my apartment most days. I never even mind him sleeping in the same bed as me after going out (I'm a lot closer to town and yeah, nothing ever sexual would happen because our friendship isn't like that.). I broke up with my long term boyfriend before coming to do my add on course and I'm still trying to get over him. I'm not interested in going out with other guys so it's not a bother to me. But I'm sure he's interested in other girls and I've been scuppering his chances all along. It's not something he talks to me about anymore really. Even if one of us did end up meeting someone, it would look strange to spend so much time with one another - most especially as it's a male/female friendship.

I obviously gave those girls the go ahead and I have backed off a good bit in the past two weeks. He's been texting to hang out but I've made some excuse or other that I'm busy. But to be honest I really, really miss him. I've never had a best friend who was a guy, most straight guys I knew wanted to be friends because they fancied me, not because they were interested in me solely as a friend. The majority of my close friendships would be with girls or guys who are gay. But it doesn't even matter that he happens to be male, if he was a girl we would still be best mates but now I feel like we can't be close because it will ruin his chances of finding someone and scare girls away. It's stupid but it never occurred to me that we were too close, even now I miss him so much and I already chatted with him today in town for a little.

Sorry this is very long and there's probably plenty of mistakes throughout but I would really like to know other people's opinions on this. No other friend compares to him but as that other girl said, surely I can't remain as close because it will be threatening to any future girlfriends. Okay spending every waking hour together is over the top and we just fell into that really, but the prospect of not being able to go to a gig with him without feeling guilty for his girlfriend etc, makes me feel that we won't really be able to be best friends anymore. Should I just cut my losses? Still remain friends who have a chat the odd time but not friends who hang around..thoughts?

(And yes apologies again for the mess above.)

strobe

I'd say mention the incident at the house party to him, and let him know you're worried that you may be putting other girls off approaching him as everyone probably assumes you're a couple. See what he thinks.

Obviously if he started seeing someone, or you did, something like sleeping in the same bed together after a night out would be an issue, so maybe put an end to that. But that doesn't mean you couldn't go to a gig with him or hang out or meet up for coffee. Not all women are insecure messes that would object to a guy having a female friend and doing what friends do together with her.

Tbh if a girl I was going out with had an issue with me going to a gig or for some lunch with a good friend of mine just because she was female, or simply having a close female friend, then I wouldn't be going out with her very long. Think a lot of guys would feel the same.

He's your friend, talk to him about your worry that you may be preventing him meeting other girls in romantic terms. But even if that is somewhat the case, no, of course that doesn't mean you have to stop meeting up, or doing things together, or being close friends, alltogether.

Alf. A. Male

I'm at a bit of a loss here to understand why you put so much weight on the witterings of two randomers about your friendship. If I was your friend, I'd be disappointed that's all it took for you to scale back what appears to have been a happy, close friendship. My best friend is female and I couldn't give a **** what anyone thinks of our friendship, neither could she. When people assume we're a couple, it's not rocket science to tell them otherwise and carry on as we were. She has a husband, I've a girlfriend, we're all happy with it and why in the world would any of us listen to someone in the kitchen at a party telling us different?

Talk to your friend and tell him what's going on, before he's left thinking you've lost interest in the friendship and it's wrecked altogether.

Merkin

Why on Earth would you defer to two floozies you met in the kitchen of a party? How odd. I'm sure your poor friend is wondering why on Earth you've suddenly detached yourself from him and no longer want to hang out. It's unfair and hurtful without giving him an explanation. And your explanation simply doesn't hold water.

You're not living in some Middle Eastern village where you can't fraternize with the opposite sex! I have had tonnes of males friends through the years and if any prospective partner had had an issue with that I wouldn't have appreciated it. Don't listen to two harpies you met at a party, that would be really foolish and you'll lose out on what is a good friendship based on very tenuous reasoning.

fungun

thats kind of his call Id say. If you are such good friends I dont see why you cant just talk to him about this, rather than deliberately backing off yourself....especially since the supporting data is quite light (2 people at a party). However, if you are daily in each others houses and share a bed, its not difficult to see how others may assume you are going out.

Id have to say though, I have seen many situations where people of the opposite sex have had great friendships, never anything more....according to one of the people. But some never realise that the other person may want more/feel differently but is afraid to admit it/risk changing the status quo. Are you 100% sure he doesnt have any feelings for you?

ManOfMystery

I agree with the posters above. If (and that's a big IF) your friendship is somehow possibly scuppering any chances of a relationship with any girls he meets, and things should thus be scaled back, that's his choice to make - not yours.

I'm also surprised and shocked that you've decided to give him the cold shoulder because 2 randomers you met a kitchen party decided your friendship (which is none of their business really) is over the top. Both these girls admitted that they are interested in him. Did it never occur to you that they just want you out of the way, and they're not actually that concerned about his well-being?

Forget them and what they said, and meet up with your friend again. Not many people of the opposite sex get to enjoy a platonic and very fulfilling friendship to the extent that you two do, don't throw it away because of some fickle notion planted in your head by a couple of moronic comments at a party.

LegacyUser

Sorry if my post came across as idiotic. I guess it is odd to back off because of those girls but the second girl's comment really stuck with me, she implied our closeness was weird especially for a male/female friendship. It's something I had never thought about and I just felt bad then that maybe I was scaring off girls who were interested in him in a romantic way.

Wabbit Ears

Id say this poor guy is suffering terminal friendzone. A guy you like, who you share everything in common with, you love being around etc should be your boyfriend, not your male best friend.

He'll say whatever he thinks you want to hear so don't expect him to just admit he loves you and worships the ground you walk on, but he does. Either walk away and let him date other people or date him, but stop dragging the poor lad around with his balls on a leash.

benway

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

girls can find that thing kind of thing threatening.

Read: "I thought that you were in my way and I resent you for it".

Wouldn't put too much stock on that, tbh. It's not about what "girls" think, it's a self-serving statement based on what that particular girl felt at that particular time.

But I equally don't think it's unreasonable to assume that he's holding a bit of a candle for you, OP. If you're not into it, and you're not absolutely certain (to the point of his coming out to you or taking up with someone else) that he's not either, then I think it might be as well to dial down the intensity a couple of notches. Particularly when it comes to sharing beds and the like. Doesn't mean you can't still be besties, but it might reduce the scope for misunderstandings.

There's no good reason that you can't have a best friend of the opposite gender, but these super-intense things quite often don't end well, even if there's no sexual overtones.

Granted, it's not easy to step back in any relationship, and it's reasonable enough that you'd lean heavily on him and his friends for company when you're in a new town and don't know anyone. Maybe try getting involved in a college club or society or the likes or some other activity that interests you? Will occupy some of your time, let you meet other people and take some of the pressure off your relationship with your BFF? Because, by the tone of your post, clearly something has to give here.

coffee_cake

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

she implied our closeness was weird especially for a male/female friendship.

Of course she did if she's trying to get it on with him and sees you as competition
Ignore them, stop backing off away from your friend, and get on with your life

K_P

Whatever you do, talk to your friend about it. Otherwise he'll start thinking he's done something terrible to warrant you backing off from him so much.

CaraMay

Why in the name of god would you 'cut your losses' if he is your best friend?

That's just weird that you would place two random strangers ahead of your friendship....... TBH you backing off without telling him why is just playing with his head as well. Tell he what was said and ask if he wants to dampen down your relationship so he can meet others. Its his call surely.

Alf. A. Male

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

she implied our closeness was weird especially for a male/female friendship.

And do you have some good reason for making her narrow-minded stupidity your problem? For the life of me I cannot see why you gave a second thought to what those girls said and I hope for your sake such irrelevant, self-serving, stupid comments aren't generally a basis for your decisions.

Pinkmoon19

My boyfriend's closest friend is a girl. At first it was a little weird but now a few years on me and her are great friends too. The four of us, as in me and my partner and her and her fiance often go for dinner etc. The point is that if your friend does find a girlfriend and you 2 are so close he won't have a problem introducing you to the new girlfriend. Furthermore if the new girlfriend has a problem with you then she's not suited to your friend. Some of my closest friends are guys too. If you are in a happy, well adjusted relationship with someone who you absolutely trust it shouldn't matter if your partners' friends are men or women. Don't pull away from your friend, I would be so hurt if my male friends did that to me.

LegacyUser

Okay, yes my post was idiotic and no I never usually take notice of such comments but he is my best mate and I don't want to be getting in the way of anything between him and anyone else. I never realised we looked like a couple. Not that it's really any of my business who he goes out with, I know that. And yeah it's his own decision. You're all right though, there's no way I'm going to stop being friends with him.

I've asked him over tonight so I'll just ask his opinion on it (in a nonchalant way). Even if I was cramping his style he's the type of person who wouldn't say anything or make a big deal of it.

Oh I don't lean heavily on his group of friends at all, I just got to know them at the start of the year and then made my own group of friends from college. I would be friendly with them but I wouldn't hang out with them all the time by any means.

The terminal friendzone comment is a load of bollocks, sorry but it is. We're friends, I would know if he liked me.

Alf. A. Male

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

The terminal friendzone comment is a load of bollocks, sorry but it is.

At least we can agree on that

It sounds now like you had a bit of a brainfart and let a comment get to you when you shouldn't have, but now have a better perspective and know yourself what you need to do.

Merkin

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

The terminal friendzone comment is a load of bollocks, sorry but it is. We're friends, I would know if he liked me.

Not necessarily. You'd be surprised.

beks101

Kind of shocked at the absolute cheek of this female acquaintance of yours who cornered you and essentially told you to back off - who does she think she is??

"Girls can find that kind of thing threatening" my hole, she's the one with the problem, getting territorial about a guy who probably hasn't even noticed her.

To be honest I'd take those comments with a pinch of salt and see them as the green-eyed envy they are. By all means have a chat with your friend if you're feeling insecure about it, but to throw away a wonderful friendship that enriches your life based on a bunch of jealous girls who just want to clear the way so they can score your friend would be absolutely absurd.

Teyla Emmagan

It's his decision as to whether his friendship with you is affecting his love life. He seems to have decided it isn't. Just go with that. Who gives a flying duck what anyone else thinks, particularly two jealous witches who only have their own interests at heart. Talk to your friend, you are being unfair to him ATM.

LegacyUser

I think it was so so out of line for a random girl to tell you that you should back off being friends with someone you're extremely close to, because her friend *might* be interested. How flipping dare she! I think if you follow her pathetic advice, you stand to lose out longterm. If that girl is threatened because he has a female friend, then maybe she needs to work on herself a bit more before entering a relationship.

retro:electro

Hmmm.. OP I may be wrong here, but I'm not sure I buy all this concern of yours that you may somehow scupper any chances of a future relationship he may have.. I think what those girls said to you shocked you and it made you realise that you look like a couple, and now you're being cold and distant because you're concerned that your friendship with him will affect YOUR chances of a potential relationship, not his. Like I said, I may be wrong, but other than that I cannot fathom why you'd consider throwing away an amazing friendship for nothing.

LegacyUser

What? It's not like that at all. I'm not interested in a relationship (if you had read my first post, you would know why). But just because I'm not interested in getting into anything, doesn't mean he isn't and if we look like a couple to a group of girls, chances are we look like a couple to many more people. It may seem alien to you, but I do have his best interests at heart.

I talked to him last night and he had a good laugh at the whole thing. So everything's fine again, stupid on my part to have let those comments affect me. And as others have said it's his decision at the end of the day.

Wabbit Ears

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

I'm not interested in a relationship (if you had read my first post, you would know why). But just because I'm not interested in getting into anything, doesn't mean he isn't .

yea, totally deffo not friendzoned at all..

retro:electro

everythingisilluminated wrote: »

What? It's not like that at all. I'm not interested in a relationship (if you had read my first post, you would know why). But just because I'm not interested in getting into anything, doesn't mean he isn't and if we look like a couple to a group of girls, chances are we look like a couple to many more people. It may seem alien to you, but I do have his best interests at heart.

I talked to him last night and he had a good laugh at the whole thing. So everything's fine again, stupid on my part to have let those comments affect me. And as others have said it's his decision at the end of the day.

I didn't mean a relationship with him, I meant with another guy. I don't know why you would distance yourself from him if ye both are single tho? If he meets someone then ya sure maybe then but I don't think there's anything wrong or misleading about a guy and a girl being friends and it certainly wouldn't put me if a guy...unless of course you two are very touchy feely with each other, then this could certainly be misconstrued.
Anyway ye have sorted it out now it seems so I'm going to bed.