I feel like I've wasted my life

LegacyUser

Regular poster, going anon etc...

OK, so I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm stuck in Ireland with overwhelming debt, & no real future.

I've always had a love for America, the history, the country, the people... there's a lot wrong with it but a lot right as well.

I wanted to see what it would be like to live there in my 20s so I moved there for a summer. Totally loved it. Everything about it was great for me. I decided I wanted to live there for a lot longer, so I decided to not outstay my visitor visa & come home & do it properly.

A couple of months after coming home, I was saving like mad & waiting for the visa applications to open & I met this girl. I fell totally, hopelessly & fully in love with her.

My plans were still there but it would be months, possibly a year before I'd be going back so we started hanging out. I decided to defer any decisions about moving abroad to see how it would go with her & put things off for a year, hoping I'd talk her into coming with me.

Unfortunately for me, although we've visited many times over the years, she's never wanted to move there as she feel she'd miss her family too much.

This is part of the thing that gets me. I'm her family now. Me & our kids, it's been over ten years we're together & she know how much it would mean to me. I even had an opportunity to go with a company last year with a great salary on the table ($150k + benefits) she said she didn't think she could do it... eventually it never came off & we're back to square one.

We're overwhelmed in debt living here (my business went under), I've suffered from depression & contemplated suicide for three years because of it & she's still not willing to consider anything because she'll "miss her family". I haven't worked in three years & don't qualify for any assistance because I was self employed (despite paying tens of thousands in taxes, but that's another story).

I love her deeply but I'm resenting this side of her & the attitude. I've stayed because I love her & our kids & the thought of being without them is not one I'd like to entertain.

I'm too old now to be considered for a visa, I feel like I've wasted my life & that my wife has contributed to it greatly. I also feel like we're denying our kids of many great opportunities, both now growing up & in the future.

I've a pain in my chest from the hurt of this, I feel like I have a loss (the only way I can explain it), of a life unfulfilled.

Tokyo

I'm not sure what I can tell you regarding wasting your life, but I do think that you have shifted the balance of blame quite unfairly on your wife's shoulders in all this, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is negatively affecting your relationship. The fact is that YOU made the choice to stay in Ireland because of her when you first met. She didn't twist your arm into staying, and told you that she had no interest in moving there. However you decided to play the odds in thinking that you could "talk her into coming with you", and you're resentful and bent out of shape because she stuck with her convictions.

Quite honestly, your post comes across as selfish. You claim a "life unfulfilled" - I wonder how your wife, and your children would feel to fall under that description. And while you say that you feel that you are "denying our kids of many great opportunities", another way of looking at it is that you are willing to uproot your wife and kids from their friends, their schools, their extended family, and move them thousands of miles away in order to fulfil your teenage dreams.

You're not 20 anymore - you have a wife and children now, and as such you don't get to make those decisions just for you anymore. These decisions need to be for the good of your family, not just you, and your wife has made it clear from the day that you met her that moving to the USA is not something that she's interested in. I don't see how she could have been any clearer. You haven't wasted your life OP - you have two wonderful children as a result of your marriage with someone you love dearly.

You seem to have been through quite a lot in the past few years OP, and it's taken its toll - have you considered seeing a counsellor regarding your depression, and your resentment towards your partner over all this? I know this gets said a lot here, but talking out your issues with someone else may give you a sense of perspective on your life that you may not have considered. Your wife may also be more than happy to attend counselling with you and discussing her feelings too, as from the sounds of it, your thoughts on this is very much negatively affecting your marriage.

kiffer

Go book time with a therapist sooner rather than later.
No matter what the root of the problem is, whether or not you've wasted your life (you haven't) no matter who's to "blame" if it hit the point where you've been suicidal than you need to talk to a professional.

Go get the phone book and pick a therapist at random if needs be but talk to someone in person.

dollypet

I agree with the above. Your wife was straight up from day one. You cant get upset when someone doesnt change their mind.

I do think thinks have not gone the way you wanted and your looking to put the blame somewhere. I can understand that. But your wife is not to blame.

It'll start impacting your relationship unless you address your feelings.

Also the sucide thoughts, those needs to be looked at. Find help, talk to someone.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your concerns.

Unless therapy is available on the medical card, it won't be happening. Simply cannot afford it.

Regarding suicidal tendencies, don't have them anymore.

It really annoys me that she picks her family over me & our family's future. It's totally under my skin & I can't bring it up because they are good to us, they just seem to be in our lives a lot more than I'd like.

username123

WastedLife wrote: »

Thank you all for your concerns.

Unless therapy is available on the medical card, it won't be happening. Simply cannot afford it.

Regarding suicidal tendencies, don't have them anymore.

It really annoys me that she picks her family over me & our family's future. It's totally under my skin & I can't bring it up because they are good to us, they just seem to be in our lives a lot more than I'd like.

It may be - there is some free counselling services available through the normal route (GP referral) or some funded places, you would have to google it but I remember a friend of mine going to a free place in Crumlin years ago when she was suffering.

You and your wife seem to have different perspectives. She seems to see her family and your family as ONE family. You see her family as a separate entity.

I do think you need to take responsibility for your own actions here. You chose to stay in Ireland. You cant blame your wife for that.

In saying that, you must surely be able to talk to her about it - marriage needs communications. But to what end would you be distancing from her family - just because you think they are in your lives a lot? Are they doing anything wrong?

Obliq

WastedLife wrote: »

Unfortunately for me, although we've visited many times over the years, she's never wanted to move there as she feel she'd miss her family too much.

This is part of the thing that gets me. I'm her family now.

she's still not willing to consider anything because she'll "miss her family".

I love her deeply but I'm resenting this side of her & the attitude. I've stayed because I love her & our kids & the thought of being without them is not one I'd like to entertain.

I'm too old now to be considered for a visa, I feel like I've wasted my life & that my wife has contributed to it greatly.

WastedLife wrote: »

It really annoys me that she picks her family over me & our family's future. .

Totally agree with Mike above, but I've highlighted these sentences above to refer to when I say how on earth have you let yourself believe that the choices YOU made (to stay in Ireland and have kids with the woman you fell in love with) are somehow less important than "what might have been"? I'm also a bit worried for your relationship that you consider your dream to be so much more important than your wife's just as valid concerns that she would miss her family too much (something she told you straight out before you had kids, yes?).

When you say you are resenting your wife deeply for her attitude about upping and moving the entire family away from Ireland, but you can't entertain the thought of leaving them.....well, I hope that your ongoing resentment doesn't lead to your wife getting thoroughly sick of your attitude and entertaining some thoughts of her own. I'd suggest a counsellor too, in case you ruin your family relationships with this.

And btw, most people would give their right arm for your "Unfortunately for me, although we've visited many times over the years" opportunities for holidays that you've had.

LegacyUser

I have to be honest here your post is all me and I wanted.
When you met your wife she was honest with you and told you she did not want to live in the Us. You had several holidays to the US which many people he could just dream off.

If you were offered a job paying $150k a year why did you not chat to her about you moving to the Us when she stayed in Ireland with the children?
I know it is not ideal but I know couples who do this for a few years to clear off debit or to pay off the mortgage or for children's education.

In life we all make choices. Some times things don't work out the way you plan but you have to make the best off the situation that you are in.
If you are not getting any social welfare how are you paying the bills? Is she working to keep the bills paid when you sit at home moping like a child who is not getting there way?

I would agree with the previous post here that at this stage your wife could be getting sick of your attitude. It is time for you to grow up and move on with your life instead of thinking that far away hills are greener. Stop blaming your wife for the choice you made since you met her as she was always honest about living in Ireland.

Taltos

Your wife has been 100% straight with you from day 1 - Ireland and proximity to her immediate family are her top priority. That hasn't changed.

You chose to stay with her - maybe you thought you could convince her to change her mind but you deluded yourself.

You need to stop blaming her this instant. You chose to get with her, you chose to stay here.
Right now you have another choice.
1. Choose to accept your role in your life and get on with your life here.
2. Pack it all up and move over there and start afresh.
or
3. Choose to change nothing and let your ego continue to blame others until you've nothing left but regret and bitterness...

Clearly 3 is where you are - you need to move and change how you view things fast before you lose it all.

milli milli

OP I know it's very hard to be without a job. It's soul destroying and it affects your identity and esteem. But don't forget there are thousands of people in the same boat as you.

Life is tough but to say that you've wasted your life when you have a lovely wife and kids makes me really sad. I would absolutely kill to have what you have. As I get older the less I see that I'll be able to have kids. Anyway I've stopped dwelling on this aspect of my life, but it just angers me, that someone else can take what they have for granted.

Nobody has it all. Even the happiest people are hiding losses and hurts. What I've learnt is to be grateful for what I have and count my blessings. It's not always easy to do and some days it kind of goes out the window, but if you carry on as you are, you will lose your family.
It might be a good idea to have some counselling. It's not fair to blame your wife. I know you think she is not making a sacrifice for you, but moving to another country is a massive decision.
The way you feel about leaving is probably the same way she feels about staying so imagine how she must feel?

Anyway OP I hope you get things sorted and find happiness. Best of luck

LegacyUser

To be honest OP you have no one to blame but yourself. If you really loved the USA so much why did you chose to stay here and marry the person who never wanted to move there in the first place?

You had an offer of a job last year and didn't take it? You made that decision based on the fact you have a wife and kids, however if you really wanted it you could have taken it. Your wife has been upfront from day one about not wanting to live there and you still hoped that you might change her mind.

I remember seeing a programme on extreme commuters a while ago, which looked at some Irish people working in the UK and some parts of Europe during the week and coming home at the weekends to see their family. A guy I know with with three kids is doing this at the moment.
Since the downturn there are a lot of people who have had to make huge sacrifices in order to get the bills paid and this has meant one side of the couple doesn't get to see their kids everyday.

LegacyUser

I must admit I do feel some sympathy for you. The 'what could have been' feeling is a horrible one even if it is caused by decisions you willingly made at the time. Anybody can live to regret a decision they once thought was a good idea.
I also have great sympathy for your wife and kids and the fact that you say you feel your life with them has been a waste but I'm not going to focus on that, because I know that underneath the regrets you must really love them as you are still here with them and sacrificed your dreams to be with them and you wouldn't have done that if you didn't love your family.
The only mistake you are making is blaming them for your own regrets. This has to stop.

Is there any chance of work still available with the company who made you the last offer or even a different company?
Could you do the long distance thing for a while if there is work? It could help clear your families debts and at the same time you would be getting the experience of living where you want for some time.

Does your wife have work here? If not would she be willing to move temporarily to America for a few years so that you could both find work, clear debts and have a change of lifestyle for awhile?

Neither of these are permanent options as your wife has already told you that she wouldn't live there permanently, but maybe a temporary residence there where one or both of you is earning might be a compromise?

I can kinda see your frustration that your family is in "crippling debt" at the minute and that the thing and place that you know could solve it is not something your wife is willing to entertain. I know everybody is saying that you knew from the start that your wife wouldn't move, but circumstances change and sometimes you may need to do something that's not ideal if even for just a few years if it helps your family. You have made a sacrifice maybe she would be willing to make a non permanent one too until finances improve? This man used to have his own business but now doesn't, can't get work here and his family are in crippling debt. Has an opportunity for a great job and income that could help them out of this stress but doesn't seem to be getting much support in doing so - that is unless your wife is happy for you to go alone to work? Does she support that? Even if so I can guess how that would be an extremely difficult decision leaving your kids and wife behind, it would be nicer if they joined you but that all depends on circumstances such as if your wife already has a job here or not.

If you going alone, or your family joining for a short time over there are completely off the table, is there any chance you could find work in a different field here where your skills might be useful? Could you retrain in something else that would offer better hope of a job in this country? I know that going back studying might seem like you will be losing out on too much money, but you could do part time work and part time studying and maybe it would pay off if you got a new job in a few years. It is a long way about doing things though for sure, but it might be worth it. You would probably need your wife to be working for this to work but seeing as she doesn't want you all to move to where you have guaranteed work maybe she would support this?

I would ask for a compromise though, ie that one or both of you work there for a few years until your debts are cleared. I don't really think that is selfish to ask. Your kids may love it or might not but either way you would be providing a more stable financial home for them.

You would have to stick to some sort of time frame though and not suddenly try to get her to stay there permanently after a few years. If you make a promise of a rough time period living there then stick to it.

Again, the above only really applies if your wife is unemployed too. If she has a very good job here I cold see why she wouldn't want to move.

You never know, if your family ever does move there you might find that there is a big difference between holidaying there for a few months and actually working everyday for years, the novelty might wear of the place a bit.
Or the opposite could happen and your wife could end up loving the place and wanting to stay. Never know unless ye try I guess.

Your local health service should be able to provide you with the information about therapists, I'm 90% sure that you can get free therapy with a medical card so might be an idea checking it out if you feel you need to.

Maybe have another talk with your wife and see how the idea of a compromise goes down.

Nelson Muntz

WastedLife wrote: »

This is part of the thing that gets me. I'm her family now. Me & our kids, it's been over ten years we're together & she know how much it would mean to me. I even had an opportunity to go with a company last year with a great salary on the table ($150k + benefits) she said she didn't think she could do it... eventually it never came off & we're back to square one.

I agree with the other posters that initially she was straight with you & you made a choice to stay.

Having said that, you both have the kids together & you both have a responsibility to do what is best for them. If you had the choice of a 150k job in the states or unemployment in Ireland & your wife still wasn't prepared to at least go for a while, even a year, that is pretty poor on her part in my book.

username123

Nelson Muntz wrote: »

I agree with the other posters that initially she was straight with you & you made a choice to stay.

Having said that, you both have the kids together & you both have a responsibility to do what is best for them. If you had the choice of a 150k job in the states or unemployment in Ireland & your wife still wasn't prepared to at least go for a while, even a year, that is pretty poor on her part in my book.

Sure couldnt the OP have gone himself? Even if it was only for 6 months he would have made $75k.

I know more than one husband/father who has gone as far as Australia and just had skype/short visits for a year or two just to keep the money flow coming in.

Nelson Muntz

username123 wrote: »

Sure couldnt the OP have gone himself? Even if it was only for 6 months he would have made $75k.

I know more than one husband/father who has gone as far as Australia and just had skype/short visits for a year or two just to keep the money flow coming in.

Yeah, that's a good point.

MouseTail

Nelson Muntz wrote: »

I agree with the other posters that initially she was straight with you & you made a choice to stay.

Having said that, you both have the kids together & you both have a responsibility to do what is best for them. If you had the choice of a 150k job in the states or unemployment in Ireland & your wife still wasn't prepared to at least go for a while, even a year, that is pretty poor on her part in my book.

I don't think you are being fair on the wife there. Presumingly if OP is not getting any assistance, its because his wife is working. It would be irresponsible of her to jack in a job and move children across the world for something that might work out. i agree with previous posters he should have taken the job for a year, pay off some debts, and get it out of his system. I know so many families temporarily split like this, Canada, US, Oz, Middle East.

MRledzepo

you only live once , when you're on your death bed what will you want

Soft Falling Rain

WastedLife wrote: »

It really annoys me that she picks her family over me & our family's future. It's totally under my skin & I can't bring it up because they are good to us, they just seem to be in our lives a lot more than I'd like.

I'd be curious to know how you got on with your own family OP?

I grew up in a busy household with plenty of siblings and regardless of who I meet down the line, I would find it extremely difficult to move to the other side of the world and so far away from them. Maybe your wife is the same in the sense she grew up in a loving household and is extremely close to her family. Surely you can see it from her point of view?

Sam Jam

WastedLife wrote: »

Regular poster, going anon etc...

OK, so I feel like I've wasted my life. I'm stuck in Ireland with overwhelming debt, & no real future.

I've always had a love for America, the history, the country, the people... there's a lot wrong with it but a lot right as well.

I wanted to see what it would be like to live there in my 20s so I moved there for a summer. Totally loved it. Everything about it was great for me. I decided I wanted to live there for a lot longer, so I decided to not outstay my visitor visa & come home & do it properly.

A couple of months after coming home, I was saving like mad & waiting for the visa applications to open & I met this girl. I fell totally, hopelessly & fully in love with her.


My plans were still there but it would be months, possibly a year before I'd be going back so we started hanging out. I decided to defer any decisions about moving abroad to see how it would go with her & put things off for a year, hoping I'd talk her into coming with me.

Unfortunately for me, although we've visited many times over the years, she's never wanted to move there as she feel she'd miss her family too much.

This is part of the thing that gets me. I'm her family now. Me & our kids, it's been over ten years we're together & she know how much it would mean to me. I even had an opportunity to go with a company last year with a great salary on the table ($150k + benefits) she said she didn't think she could do it... eventually it never came off & we're back to square one.

We're overwhelmed in debt living here (my business went under), I've suffered from depression & contemplated suicide for three years because of it & she's still not willing to consider anything because she'll "miss her family". I haven't worked in three years & don't qualify for any assistance because I was self employed (despite paying tens of thousands in taxes, but that's another story).

I love her deeply but I'm resenting this side of her & the attitude. I've stayed because I love her & our kids & the thought of being without them is not one I'd like to entertain.

I'm too old now to be considered for a visa, I feel like I've wasted my life & that my wife has contributed to it greatly. I also feel like we're denying our kids of many great opportunities, both now growing up & in the future.

I've a pain in my chest from the hurt of this, I feel like I have a loss (the only way I can explain it), of a life unfulfilled.

You have so much to be grateful for. Thank God that you can lie beside someone you love at night to squeeze her and tell her how much you love her and for her to love you back. Do you realise how many people will never have that?
Despite your disappointment at not ever getting to live in the states(who knows yet)once you and your family are safe and healthy that's all that matters. I really hope things work out for you.


P.S.

I came onto the "Personnal Issues" forum tearful with my own life and seen your thread title and thought that's it to myself, same as me. Then I start giving you advice. I'm well and truly fcked.

dissed doc

mike_ie wrote: »

I'm not sure what I can tell you regarding wasting your life, but I do think that you have shifted the balance of blame quite unfairly on your wife's shoulders in all this, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is negatively affecting your relationship. The fact is that YOU made the choice to stay in Ireland because of her when you first met. She didn't twist your arm into staying, and told you that she had no interest in moving there. However you decided to play the odds in thinking that you could "talk her into coming with you", and you're resentful and bent out of shape because she stuck with her convictions.

Quite honestly, your post comes across as selfish. You claim a "life unfulfilled" - I wonder how your wife, and your children would feel to fall under that description. And while you say that you feel that you are "denying our kids of many great opportunities", another way of looking at it is that you are willing to uproot your wife and kids from their friends, their schools, their extended family, and move them thousands of miles away in order to fulfil your teenage dreams.

You're not 20 anymore - you have a wife and children now, and as such you don't get to make those decisions just for you anymore. These decisions need to be for the good of your family, not just you, and your wife has made it clear from the day that you met her that moving to the USA is not something that she's interested in. I don't see how she could have been any clearer. You haven't wasted your life OP - you have two wonderful children as a result of your marriage with someone you love dearly.

You seem to have been through quite a lot in the past few years OP, and it's taken its toll - have you considered seeing a counsellor regarding your depression, and your resentment towards your partner over all this? I know this gets said a lot here, but talking out your issues with someone else may give you a sense of perspective on your life that you may not have considered. Your wife may also be more than happy to attend counselling with you and discussing her feelings too, as from the sounds of it, your thoughts on this is very much negatively affecting your marriage.

I disagree with a lot of your post. The fact is, he has passed up on a major opportunity due to his wife's reluctance to moving. I imagine the same situation would occur if he was living in Dublin and had a 200k/year job offer in Cork. She probably still wouldn't move and he would be expected to commute.

It's not being selfish. A human being is entitled to have an objective for what drives them. Has his wife made these sacrifices? My opinion is that this matriarchal control over society and families is what prevents people being flexible enough to seize opportunities that only come up rarely.

I think he is completely right in saying that he and the kids are her family now and should be a priority, but she is unable to let go of the apron strings, so to speak.

LegacyUser

I've been lurking away watching the thread, mostly everyone is right in their opinion, there's a huge sense of "what could have been" going on. However, Dissed Doc hit the nail on the head (as far as I'm concerned anyway".

Funny thing. We've had an argument this week & I've always held it back but this time I told her what my huge issue is. Ironically it concerned a major purchase we were making for our family, only she went and made arrangements with her mother to go view the item & then told me about it later. Now her parents are very good to us & I really do appreciate it, but this was the catalyst for the argument.

They've gone off now to see the thing. I asked her to call her mother & tell her I was going instead & she hesitated & kept saying "do you really want me to? That's such a dick move" Over & over again, stalling for time really until her mother knocked at the door & off they went...

And the minute they walked out the door, it's like a lightbulb went on over my head. I haven't wasted my life. She has.

kiffer

WastedLife wrote: »

I've been lurking away watching the thread, mostly everyone is right in their opinion, there's a huge sense of "what could have been" going on. However, Dissed Doc hit the nail on the head (as far as I'm concerned anyway".

Funny thing. We've had an argument this week & I've always held it back but this time I told her what my huge issue is. Ironically it concerned a major purchase we were making for our family, only she went and made arrangements with her mother to go view the item & then told me about it later. Now her parents are very good to us & I really do appreciate it, but this was the catalyst for the argument.

They've gone off now to see the thing. I asked her to call her mother & tell her I was going instead & she hesitated & kept saying "do you really want me to? That's such a dick move" Over & over again, stalling for time really until her mother knocked at the door & off they went...

And the minute they walked out the door, it's like a lightbulb went on over my head. I haven't wasted my life. She has.

If it's a big purchase for the family then you probably should also view it...
Sounds very odd to not want you to see it.
Surely the dick move was making plans without your input?

Tokyo

WastedLife wrote: »

We've had an argument this week & I've always held it back but this time I told her what my huge issue is. Ironically it concerned a major purchase we were making for our family, only she went and made arrangements with her mother to go view the item & then told me about it later. Now her parents are very good to us & I really do appreciate it, but this was the catalyst for the argument.

They've gone off now to see the thing. I asked her to call her mother & tell her I was going instead & she hesitated & kept saying "do you really want me to? That's such a dick move" Over & over again, stalling for time really until her mother knocked at the door & off they went...

She decided to go view an item with her mother that you were thinking about buying for your family. How is this even an issue? Was she supposed to ask your permission first??! It seems pretty normal that if this is as big a purchase as you indicate, that she might want to share it with her family. I'm not sure if there is a bigger picture here that you aren't mentioning, but asking her to call her mother to say that you are going instead sounds like an extremely controlling action (or as your wife put it, "a dick move") on your part. If you wanted to go along and see it too then why not go together, instead of insisting that her mother be told that she wasn't coming. Her parents, by your own admission, have been very good to you.

And the minute they walked out the door, it's like a lightbulb went on over my head. I haven't wasted my life. She has.

Honestly, the way things are going, I don't see you still having a wife to worry about a couple of years down the line if you don't change your tune. I try to remain objective about posts here, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I felt extremely sorry for your wife right now.

YOU were young and single and had the option of moving to America. YOU chose to stay because of a girl, because at the time you loved the idea of her more than the idea of moving to America. She told you from day one that she wasn't interested in moving abroad, but YOU hoped that you'd change her mind and played those odds by staying with her. and YOU have become more and more resentful of her rather than accepting any responsibility for these choices yourself.

dissed doc

mike_ie wrote: »

She decided to go view an item with her mother that you were thinking about buying for your family. How is this even an issue? Was she supposed to ask your permission first??! It seems pretty normal that if this is as big a purchase as you indicate, that she might want to share it with her family. I'm not sure if there is a bigger picture here that you aren't mentioning, but asking her to call her mother to say that you are going instead sounds like an extremely controlling action (or as your wife put it, "a dick move") on your part. If you wanted to go along and see it too then why not go together, instead of insisting that her mother be told that she wasn't coming. Her parents, by your own admission, have been very good to you.

Honestly, the way things are going, I don't see you still having a wife to worry about a couple of years down the line if you don't change your tune. I try to remain objective about posts here, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that I felt extremely sorry for your wife right now.

YOU were young and single and had the option of moving to America. YOU chose to stay because of a girl, because at the time you loved the idea of her more than the idea of moving to America. She told you from day one that she wasn't interested in moving abroad, but YOU hoped that you'd change her mind and played those odds by staying with her. and YOU have become more and more resentful of her rather than accepting any responsibility for these choices yourself.

I think a major family purchase is between the parents to be discussed. It's clear IMHO that she is primarily in her mother's family and not one of two decision makers in the new family.

Unfortunately, you start out these things the way they will play out. It's very difficult to change a type of interaction style that has been years in the making. She has already passively controlled what has happened to the extent that he has now no job and is emasculated from family decisions and they are relying on her grandparents for financial support thus further alienating him as a role as a parent.

he has given up his personal goals for hers, and she has sacrificed nothing for this relationship from what I can see, that maintains both parents in equal roles in the family. There is no compromise with her, and likely to stay with her (most likely out of naivety) he "chose" to forgo his ideas on what would be good for the family.

Saying HE did this and HE chose that is really insulting to any adult. They were a couple, she won on the decisions and the result is him being emasculated as a father and parent, disenfranchised from family decision making and being unemployed. She should be conscious of his needs as a man, father, adult as much as her own. THat's about as likely as pigs flying in Ireland, IMO.

kiffer

OP, is there a reason all 3 of you couldn't have viewed the thing? Did that even come up?
If not why not?