Male winning custody of child?

mozattack

Q:

A friend of a friend etc.

He has access to a child via a court order from years ago in which he could have the child for certain days. Since then he has the child on those days (no problem) plus additional days (it is now one day during the week, all weekends including bank holidays) and 2 weeks during the summer for holidays.

There has been no problem with that arrangement and it is being going that way for nearly 5 years. The child is 10.

The father is being married this August and has two other children, aged 1 and 4, whom are “half-sisters” to the 10 year old. The father works full-time and the step mother works part-time. The 10 year-old is treated no different to the other kids at all. The father pays maintenance and pays for everything else, school uniform, books, Xmas, birthdays, holidays, events like swimming, soccer etc. The mother has no involvement in any such things.

The problem is that the child’s mother has an obvious drink problem, so much so that she had a serious liver problem in which she was hospitalised for a few weeks. She has been warned that she must stop drinking or she will essentially die and she basically hasn’t. This week she was speaking foul to the child and basically letting him down by losing his uniform which he needed to walk in the parade yesterday.

It is come to a head now where the father believes he has to seek full custody as she is no frame of mind to look after the child. He was there on Sunday night and could smell the drink from her but it is obvious she is drinking from her erratic and weird behaviour. The child is starting to notice too in recent weeks saying that it is frustrating dealing with his mother because she forgets everything.

The friend is meeting a solicitor on Friday and while they will know more does anyone have any insight into what lies ahead? Will this come down to the alcoholism and how can that be proven etc? The child does go to school, is fed and has a home with his mother so is the alcohol abuse enough of an issue for custody to be granted to the father?

Mr. Incognito

he friend is meeting a solicitor on Friday and while they will know more does anyone have any insight into what lies ahead?

I think you should leave it to the solicitor. No one can comment here in absence of the full facts

John Mason

you need to speak to a GOOD family law solicitor.
this is a very complicated situation - no-one here is in a position to give you advice

mozattack

Noted, thanks.

username123

Just to let you know, it CAN happen that custody is awarded to the father but generally speaking its a long and arduous process to get there.

It happened to a guy I know, the mother of his second child became a heroin addict. He did get custody but only after a long and provable series of incidents of neglect, the guards being involved, the childs health at risk etc...

In this particular case the child was very young, only 4 or so and not old enough to say where he wanted to live. There was also some resistance from the parents of the heroin addict (the grandparents).

In the OPs case it might be more useful that the child is old enough to say for himself where he wants to live, if the alcoholics parents are also on board in the best interests of the child that would be a good thing too.

Can only add to what has been advised here, a good family law solicitor is needed.

The father should be documenting all and any events where the childs welfare is being put at risk due to the mothers alcoholism, plus any visitation upsets as a result of same.

mozattack

It seems the barometer of being an unsuitable parent is remarkably low in this country so (re the above)

username123

mozattack wrote: »

It seems the barometer of being an unsuitable parent is remarkably low in this country so (re the above)

Yes, its probably more a case of social services simply not having the funding/staff/resources to follow up on bad situations. Added to that that a somewhat functioning addicted parent (of drugs or alcohol) is probably a better situation for a child than institutional or foster care and you end up with kids being left in all sorts of situations. Plus, alcohol is a legal drug, so saying someone drinks is not a criminal offence.

My own father was an alcoholic and we all suffered as a result, but his alcoholism did not become totally damaging to those around him until we were older (teenagers) and my mother largely protected us when we were younger than that also.

What I would say about the situation outlined in the OP - is there any point in trying to get help for the mother? No one wants to be an alcoholic, she is hurting. Would she be interested in getting herself sorted out? I think approaching the woman with compassion might be a best first step before courts are involved.

mozattack

username123 wrote: »

Yes, its probably more a case of social services simply not having the funding/staff/resources to follow up on bad situations. Added to that that a somewhat functioning addicted parent (of drugs or alcohol) is probably a better situation for a child than institutional or foster care and you end up with kids being left in all sorts of situations. Plus, alcohol is a legal drug, so saying someone drinks is not a criminal offence.

My own father was an alcoholic and we all suffered as a result, but his alcoholism did not become totally damaging to those around him until we were older (teenagers) and my mother largely protected us when we were younger than that also.

What I would say about the situation outlined in the OP - is there any point in trying to get help for the mother? No one wants to be an alcoholic, she is hurting. Would she be interested in getting herself sorted out? I think approaching the woman with compassion might be a best first step before courts are involved.

Very good post.

It is a difficult one...

One might say the guy should do something as dropping is child back to an alcholic mother is crazy given the child has a ready made home with the father.

The next person might say what is the big deal, the child is being looked after.

My fear is that the guy will cause more harm than good via courts but what choice does he have? Cant be worried about how the kid is getting on while under her care.

username123

mozattack wrote: »

Very good post.

It is a difficult one...

One might say the guy should do something as dropping is child back to an alcholic mother is crazy given the child has a ready made home with the father.

The next person might say what is the big deal, the child is being looked after.

My fear is that the guy will cause more harm than good via courts but what choice does he have? Cant be worried about how the kid is getting on while under her care.

Yes, its a very difficult situation for everyone. I can totally see it from your friends point of view.

But I can also see it from the other side. The alcoholic is probably deep in denial, does not accept or even realise that her behaviour is having any bad effect on herself or her child and almost certainly unaware that its become obvious to anyone else.

The child probably just wants his mam to be ok, because no child wants a big life upheaval and because he no doubt loves his mam and naturally only wants whats best for her.

How bad is the alcoholism? As its a progressive condition there is a good chance that what seems bad today will seem mild some years down the line, unless she gets help.

How is your friends relationship with the mother? Could he suggest to her, amicably, that he takes on custody of the child? Does she work? Is she functioning and at what level?

As far as the mother is concerned, does your friend have any contact with the grandparents (her parents) or her siblings or other significant people, can he express his concerns about her behaviour to them? It is quite likely he is not the only person worried about this situation.

I would be endeavouring to try and help this woman get herself together before racing in with solicitors and courts. Of course, if that is not possible then definitely go with the court option. But I think the least damaging solution for everyone would be for this woman to get control of herself.