Been done a million times I know....but?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Have seen tonnes of threads about single people and how hard it is to meet someone etc hence the title. my story I am early 40s, female and single! Never thought that's how things would be but life does not turn out how we think. While I am a confident outgoing person with lots of friends, I was never great with men. A lot of trust issues, which I think caused me to be unavailable for a lot of years. I have worked on these issues and feel I would really like to meet someone which I have been trying to do for a while. That's another story and we all know how hard that can be at any age. I have been single probably more than I have been in relationships and have always been ok with that.

In the last few years however I am finding my single status more and more difficult and my life more and more isolated. Friends are almost all settled down and have kids. While I am still in contact with them, they are never free to out or go away and I spend a lot of time hanging out with their kids- going to their birthdays etc. While this is all nice in its own way, I do often come away feeling a bit empty. My work colleagues are all a little younger and mostly in relaltionships and I am starting to feel like I don't fit in anywhere really. I really miss having a group of friends to go away with on bh weekend. I often spend weekends alone when no-one is free to meet up. While it can be nice to have a quiet weekend at times, I don't like that feeling of having no choice in the matter and when I do have plans they always have to be made well in advance. I go to the gym, read and do stuff but a weekend without being around people feels very lonely. Am just wondering how other people deal with this loneliness? I did join a few clubs and made some friends who I presumed were in their 30s. turns out they are late 20s and tbh feel like a bit of a saddo hanging around with them!

I can now fully understand why people settle in relationships rather than be alone. It just seems so much easier. You don't have to plan your social life life a military operation. You have someone to do things with, travel, go out to dinner, cinema etc. People don't judge you and eye you suspiciously and keep asking have you met anyone? People don't presume you have children by asking "how many do you have". There are times when I am positive about my life but if I am being honest I think being single as you are older is very hard and not the easiest life. I often see threads on here from people in their 20s worring that they are never going to meet anyone and that makes me so depressed. Try 40s!!

Does anyone agree with me and does anyone have any advice on how to deal with this state?

simonsays1

Hi,
I'm in my 30's and understand where you're coming from.
I've always been single and sometimes I've considered moving abroad because people look at me here with such suspicion, it's crazy!
Luckily, I live in a big city so it's grand (for now) in comparison to home/home

I find meetups.com an excellent website and I use it weekly to meet people. I don't know if you have this where you're living but if you're living in a city, check it out. It has saved my social life.
Yes it can be lonely at times but when I'm low-I think of all the people who are trapped in abusive relationships living a really sh%%$y life and I appreciate that at-least I don't have that.
Not the best advise ever but it's all I've got at the moment!

LegacyUser

Hey - I'm early 40s too.

I was away with a club at the weekend and we were all in our 30s and early 40s . We have members in their 60s.

I am single and have friends who are married with kids etc... so I went out and tried to find new friends which I did.

Age doesn't really come into it when we're out and you're as likely to chat to a 20 year old as someone older than you. Some are married but most of us are like you.

We want to get more out of our free time with like minded people. There were 30 of us away at the weekend and I think that 90% were single.

I never feel judged. my married friends are at times envious of me and my freedom. I sometimes am envious of their lives.

MEet ups is meant to be good.

I never feel like a saddo if I'm doing what I want to do....

LegacyUser

Ha ha, this could have been me in my mid-thirties. Everything you say sounds so familiar!

One thing I worked on a lot (to try and alleviate the bad feeling of 'eternal singledom') is trying to like myself for who I was. I don't know if you do this but I used to always think 'I will like myself when I meet my life partner'. So I tried really hard to appreciate myself as single me, a fun person to be with for both single and married friends and family, and a support when people were having a tough time. I made a big effort to hang out with those single friends (a lot of whom I met through hobbies) and really cultivated those relationships. I was beginning to start thinking I was okay... when I met my current partner... the first man I have ever had a long term relationship with. It did change my life for the better, but I haven't forgotten those single friends who were great company when I didn't have him in my life.

Funny, a friend of mine used to always say that you can meet your soul mate at any age. And I used to look at her with her perfect 'married with 3 kids' life and say 'what would you know'! But she was right.

Appreciate yourself. Have a long hard look at how you spend your life and tweak things here and there to alleviate the loneliness you feel. Try things that you never tried before! You never know who you might meet (and I don't just mean a potential partner, maybe somebody who will be a long term friend. I made some really good friends in my thirties.)