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Do I tell him?

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  • 17-03-2014 8:48pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Long story short I used to have some fun with a guy (Mr A)a few years ago. Then I started going out with a mutual mate (Mr B) of ours for about 3 years. My relationship ended during the summer and in September me and Mr A hooked up for some fun again.

    We have been together about 6 or 7 times since then but have been very discreet coz its no one else's business and I still really care about Mr B who is one of my best buddies and I wouldn't want him to think that I was being a bitch and shaggin his mates.

    Last night we were all in the pub, all very drunk, and another really good friend who is best friends with Mr B and really good mates with Mr A saw us kiss. I confessed to Mr C that Mr A and I have been having fun.

    Mr C text me later saying he is really annoyed and doesn't want to be a part of this. He thinks I should tell Mr B so that he doesn't hear it somewhere else and get extra hurt.

    So basically what do I do? Tell him and risk losing a really lovely friend, not tell him and risk losing another lovely friend and making it worse if Mr B ever finds out from someone else.

    In tatters all day over this.


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    #2
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    I feel sorry for Mr B. He seems to have a mate and an ex who don't don't seem to give a shít about him. Let's be honest, you're being "very discreet" so Mr. B doesn't find out.

    You should tell him, because his best mate Mr C eventually will if you don't.


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    #3
    Butterface
    Registered Users Posts: 731 ✭✭✭Butterface


    Tell Mr B, even if it's going nowhere/not serious with Mr A. I was in an almost identical situation a few years ago, and we kept it secret because we didn't think it would go anywhere and didn't want to upset our Ms B.

    Eventually everybody found out about it, and Ms B was the last to know. It really hurt her, and is still causing a problem in our group of friends to this day.


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    #4
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    There's 3 billion other fellas in the world to have fun with. On the one hand, you're both free agents so do what you want. On the other, if that's all it is between you and 'Mr A', a bit of fun, then you and him have to ask yourselves, is your fun more important than the feelings of, to paraphrase yourself, 'one of your best friends that you really care about'? Maybe 'Mr B' wouldn't give a sh1t tbh. Although reading between the lines you seem pretty sure that it'd hurt him. If that's the case then both you and 'Mr. A' should probably both go find someone else to have fun with other than each other, plenty out there.


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    #5
    Ham Sambo
    Closed Accounts Posts: 515 ✭✭✭Ham Sambo


    Quote "I wouldn't want him to think that I was being a bitch and shaggin his mates." Unquote.

    You answered your own question before you asked it. What you are doing is nasty and unfair, as somebody has already there is plenty of other blokes to choose from.


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    #6
    CaraMay
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 4,652 ✭✭✭CaraMay


    Kissing your fling in the pub isn't being discreet.


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    #7
    desbrook
    Registered Users Posts: 1,847 ✭✭✭desbrook


    Truth liberates. You made this mess you sort it. Tell the truth and accept the consequences of your previous actions .


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    #8
    Lollipops23
    Registered Users Posts: 5,420 ✭✭✭Lollipops23


    I agree with Sunflower.

    As long as you're confident that you and Mr A aren't going anywhere, I see no reason to be announcing it to the world that you're hooking up. If you were having fun with anyone else would you feel the need to tell your ex? No, it's none of his business.

    Maybe be a bit smarter about where you and Mr A are kissy feely from now on though, you could have been caught by Mr B instead of your other mate.


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    #9
    rcarroll
    Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭rcarroll


    this is why staying friends with ex's don't work out. Did you do something wrong? depends on who's point of view you take - your ex will be hurt, some friends will side with him and say that out of all the guys in the world, did you have to go after A..they'll also start to wonder considering your history with A, was he the reason ye two split up....

    Then there's sunflowers side...and tbh, I think she makes a great point. He's your ex - it's not his business who you fool around with, neither is it his mates business.

    That said - rarely do people see the logic in a situation, instead, feelings get hurt regardless if you're right/wrong...you'll possibly lose your friends over this if it comes out...which do you prefer?


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    #10
    Potatoeman
    Registered Users Posts: 4,267 ✭✭✭Potatoeman


    Lollipops23 wrote: »
    I agree with Sunflower.

    As long as you're confident that you and Mr A aren't going anywhere, I see no reason to be announcing it to the world that you're hooking up. If you were having fun with anyone else would you feel the need to tell your ex? No, it's none of his business.

    Maybe be a bit smarter about where you and Mr A are kissy feely from now on though, you could have been caught by Mr B instead of your other mate.

    She does not have to tell him but that is not something a good friend would do.


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    #11
    bee06
    Registered Users Posts: 4,514 ✭✭✭bee06


    Your relationship with Mr B ended last summer which is quite a while ago now and I would assume that he knows you will move on eventually as will he. Obviously one of his friends maybe wasn't the best choice but as someone else said you did have history with Mr A from before as well. Tell him what's going on because he will find out and it will be better coming from you.


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    #12
    MagicMarker
    Banned (with Prison Access) Posts: 32,865 ✭✭✭✭MagicMarker


    People are not being harsh on the OP, how she and Mr A. are conducting themselves is underhanded and not what good friends would do.

    First of all, if you want to get into a RELATIONSHIP with a close friend's ex then I think it's a common courtesy to at least be upfront with him about it. I would never dare get into a relationship with a friends ex and try and keep it a secret. No good friend would do that, let alone make his ex a fúck buddy, as in this situation.

    Likewise, if you consider your ex as "one of your best friends that you really care about" then you don't start shagging his mates behind his back.

    The OP and Mr A can to whatever they want, they're both single. But as friends of Mr B they have a duty to keep in mind his feelings as well, and from the fact they've tried to keep it from him shows that they know what they're doing is wrong.


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    #13
    stargazer 68
    Registered Users Posts: 5,094 ✭✭✭stargazer 68


    MessySituation wrote: »
    Long story short I used to have some fun with a guy (Mr A)a few years ago. Then I started going out with a mutual mate (Mr B) of ours for about 3 years.
    .

    In fairness folks Mr B didn't seem to mind what Mr A thought when he was doing it!


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    #14
    strobe
    Closed Accounts Posts: 7,872 ✭✭✭strobe


    Dovies wrote: »
    In fairness folks Mr B didn't seem to mind what Mr A thought when he was doing it!

    There's quite a bit of difference between having some fun/messing around/riding each other with no intention of it going anywhere and a three year long relationship.

    The two situations simply aren't analogous and different rules (with a small r) apply.


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    #15
    Maguined
    Registered Users Posts: 8,247 ✭✭✭Maguined


    sunflower27 wrote: »
    As for telling Mr B? He is your ex, you do not owe him an explanation as to who you are fooling around with just as he does not owe you an explanation who he is with.

    The OP does not owe her ex any sort of explanation which is true, however she clearly wants to keep this person as a friend. Friends don't sleep with their friends mates and purposefully conceal it from them.


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