Lacking empathy

LegacyUser

I've gone unreg for this.
I have an issue that's been bothering me for a while and I'd like your opinion on it.
I think I lack empathy.

Before I start, please note I don't have Asperger's or any illness whatsoever. I have a family I adore and good friends.

The issue is that I don't think I empathise with people going through hard situations.

For example, a woman I know very well lost her husband of fifty years.
She was devastated but all I could think was "Thank God it wasn't me".
A friend of mine lost a baby last year and I had no interest because it wasn't happening to me.

When 9/11 happened, I thought "I don't really care. It wasn't me or my family involved."
I've been thinking the same about the missing Malaysian plane, too.

I am really fed up hearing about the plane because, frankly, I don't care about it or what happened to it.
Once I'm ok and my family are ok, then I really don't care about anything else.
I KNOW this isn't normal and that this way of thinking can appear heartless and cruel but it is how I feel.

Is lacking empathy something you can understand or am I really not normal?

Challo

Well I don't know if it's possible to say what's normal or not. I mean the example of the missing flight, some people are not that interested but others can't find out enough about it. Empathy varies from person to person. It doesn't have to result in a diagnosis. Socially though, we know it's important to try empathize with others and imagine what it might be like in their shoes. It generally comes naturally. You say that you care about your family and friends which is great. At the same time, I think if most people had a friend who was experiencing some distress (e.g. husband or a baby dying), then they would be upset too.

To answer part of your question, I would probably think that someone who has little empathy is selfish & egocentric. That's all really. I'm not sure if empathy can be learned, I mean it sounds like you understand the other person's feelings alright but it has little impact on you.

Is there a reason you're thinking about this recently?

Merkin

EmpathyGone wrote: »

I've gone unreg for this.
I have an issue that's been bothering me for a while and I'd like your opinion on it.
I think I lack empathy.

Before I start, please note I don't have Asperger's or any illness whatsoever. I have a family I adore and good friends.

The issue is that I don't think I empathise with people going through hard situations.

For example, a woman I know very well lost her husband of fifty years.
She was devastated but all I could think was "Thank God it wasn't me".
A friend of mine lost a baby last year and I had no interest because it wasn't happening to me.

When 9/11 happened, I thought "I don't really care. It wasn't me or my family involved."
I've been thinking the same about the missing Malaysian plane, too.

I am really fed up hearing about the plane because, frankly, I don't care about it or what happened to it.
Once I'm ok and my family are ok, then I really don't care about anything else.
I KNOW this isn't normal and that this way of thinking can appear heartless and cruel but it is how I feel.

Is lacking empathy something you can understand or am I really not normal?

Try this http://personality-testing.info/tests/EQSQ.php

thefeatheredcat

If this has been bothering you a while, then have you always felt that you lack empathy? Or would specific events happening to others made you gush with emotions and now no longer does?

It is true that everyone is different. And I know myself in more difficult times, I have been a lot more empathetic and reacted in an overly emotional way to events because of what I was already feeling. And a long time before that, some things that should have affected me more than they did, didn't. It was the degree of empathy I felt was different because of my own personal situation. While I've never lacked empathy to the point of being described apathetic long term, sometimes my balance or perspective has been askew in either direction. That I would think quite normal, as often we can be distracted with other things or desensitised, or haven't had that particular issue happen to someone close to really grasp something about the emotional context.

If you are glad your family and friends aren't hurt or injured then you do experience some feeling or emotion towards something happening to them. So you're not feeling an indifference to an event, because it does make a difference in that it's not the people you care about. I would say too, with specific things like death, everyone would have a barrier, we can all sympathise, but we can never really reflect the same emotions even if we put ourselves in their shoes, as to what the person directly involved such as a parent or spouse if we are not directly connected to that person and not directly connected to the loss of the individual who has died.

December2012

I have kids. I've never lost a baby. I will never be able to understand what it's like to lose a baby. Although I will feel sorry for the family, I won't know what it's like.

My husband is alive. I don't know what it's like to be a widow,but I know it's sad.

I thought I knew how bereaved people felt when their folks died. I was around them and knew them - they were my friends. Then my father died. And THEN and only THEN did I know how other bereaved people feel. I noticed since then that people who have also lost a parent understand me, but those who haven't simply don't.

So don't place too high expectations on yourself (I also avoid the news because too much of it puts me in a negative mood).

IrishEyes19

this is a tough one to call, honest when I hear these stories about people who have lost someone or have been hurt, I always feel a little twinge, I think there is a problem if you outwardly go out of your way not care, as in I have never thought, god I really dont care...........but as I said, its a tough one to call

LegacyUser

OP here.

Merkin, I scored 49 on that personality test.

In reply to some other posters' questions; nothing in my life at present has made me realise I may lack empathy. It hasn't come on suddenly, it is something I think I've always felt, but it's only kind of hitting home with me lately, as I realise my patience with people is waning.

The ironic thing is, if you asked people close to me what kind of person I was, they'd say I was kind, caring, sympathetic and a good listener.
I feel I'm probably too much of a good listener; people seem to find me easy to talk to and I would consider myself very friendly and warm.

But, although I listen to people, inside I'm thinking "I wish you'd shut up, you're boring me and I want to stop listening to you."

Of course I care about my family and friends and what happens them is of huge concern to me, but when it comes to other people, their predicaments don't affect me emotionally.

When I read the news about that woman who was shot dead in Killinardan at the weekend, and the photos of her daughters was on a news-site, the images of them crying just made me think "God they look rough". I never thought "The poor things".

I know this makes me sound awful but I'm really not an awful person; I am kind and caring, but strangers' problems just don't interest me and I don't expect my problems to interest anyone else.

December2012

To me it sounds like you're being perfectly rational. And possibly realising that listening to people's problems or negative stories is affecting your want to be around those people?

jane82

Op im in the same boat. I hate nothing more than being burdened with other peoples problems and having to pretend im sad. I found 9-11 and malaysian plane nothing more than news. I think alot of people feel this way and fein how upset they are. Maybe Im a mile off but thats what I reckon.
I wouldnt worry about it too much.

LegacyUser

December2012 wrote: »

To me it sounds like you're being perfectly rational. And possibly realising that listening to people's problems or negative stories is affecting your want to be around those people?

You've hit the nail on the head there.

Listening to people's problems and negative stories is absolutely affecting my wanting to be around them.
I visit an woman once a week who talks non stop. She talks and talks and talks about her life and listening to her physically drains me.
I leave her home feeling I need to sleep.
I try to find excuses not to see her, making up lies as to why I can't visit.

Another person who visits me talks about her job all the time and I find it tiring listening to her.
I think when someone talks about one subject all the time, it makes me want to avoid them and I also find myself thinking "Hurry up and finish talking", especially if they're dragging the conversation out.

I hate people who make a meal out of a conversation, pausing and taking a long time to finish talking. I can feel myself on edge just wanting to scream "Hurry up and finish talking!"

LegacyUser

jane82 wrote: »

Op im in the same boat. I hate nothing more than being burdened with other peoples problems and having to pretend im sad. I found 9-11 and malaysian plane nothing more than news. I think alot of people feel this way and fein how upset they are. Maybe Im a mile off but thats what I reckon.
I wouldnt worry about it too much.

I don't think I'd worry about it too much if I knew there were more people out there like me.
I think admitting you didn't care would ostracise you from social situations so I keep a lid on my true feelings.

Holsten

You sound pretty normal to me.

More logical thinking rather than emotional.

Perhaps talk to a psychiatrist about your fears, they would diagnose you with anything if it was there.

oscar_mike

Nothing particularly alarming in your description of yourself..... Unless you had a partner who died after years of marriage, or knew someone in 9/11 or lost a child, what would you know about empathy? At most, its an "out of sight out of mind" attitude just like most people. We are all selfish in our own way.

Rest assured you are unremarkably ordinary.

Hannibal Smith

I'm very much the same OP. I lack empathy, I always found it very hard to empathise with people because I thought just get up and get on with it. But I met a person a few years ago who has huge health problems and they're always so kind and generous to people, even though they have major issues of their own. In a conversation with him one day he said to me, it doesn't matter whether you can identify with what some one else is experiencing, or if it seems irrelevant or trivial to you, what matters is they're a person who is upset and a kind word might be all they need.

So now when some one is upset about something I kind of listen, sympathise and kind of show them that some one is on their side.

Emme

EmpathyGone wrote: »

Is lacking empathy something you can understand or am I really not normal?

A surprising number of people lack empathy. I find that more of these people tend to be male.

Trauma can harden some people and make them less likely to have empathy towards others.

I'm exactly the same OP. Pretty much everything you have said sounds like me! For years I thought when other people show empathy they were just faking it because they felt like it was something they had to do (like I do)..but no.

suzi2

Surely you all have to be having a laugh???? U seriously trying to tell me that you guys didnt feel anything for the people that lost their lives during 9/11, and their families? Or that you felt it was just 'news' to hear that a flight went down or is lost with over 200 passengers on board??
'Empathy Gone'- no that doesnt even begin to cover it. That title suggests that at one point you might have had the capacity to feel empathy- I dont think so! You blatantly admit that you feel no compassion, pity, or pain for anyone unless they are part of your family! Infact you feel the total opposite, you feel 'put upon', and almost an attitude of 'how dare they burden me with their mundane crap'.
For those that agree and support your sickening post, shame on them!
Not only do you all lack empathy, you are typically the mothers and fathers that breed the violent, unfeeling, young people of today. No wonder they have no value for life. How are they expected to have compassion for anyone when they have the likes of you for role models. Jesus, its not the empathetic loss you should be worried about, its the humanistic loss. My God, whats more worrying is that you actually have people supporting you. I give up!

Taltos

suzi2 - I know you are new here and I can see from your other post that you have read the charter but please read it again.
PI is meant to be a safe place to come and get advice. It is not a place to come and be insulted - if you carry on like the above we will no choice but to ban you. Remember if you have no constructive advice or cannot post in a civil manner then please don't post at all.

Thanks
Taltos

Meauldsegosha

suzi2 wrote: »

For those that agree and support your sickening post, shame on them!
Not only do you all lack empathy, you are typically the mothers and fathers that breed the violent, unfeeling, young people of today. No wonder they have no value for life. How are they expected to have compassion for anyone when they have the likes of you for role models. Jesus, its not the empathetic loss you should be worried about, its the humanistic loss. My God, whats more worrying is that you actually have people supporting you. I give up!

I would be like the OP. When I listen to the news and hear about the Malaysian airplane it's just facts. There is no emotion involved. Does that make me a monster? No, no it doesn't.

Yesterday it was four years since I lost my dad. I took the day off work and spent it with my mam, brought her to lunch, to visit the grave and last night we have a drink in my dad's honour. My family and friends are the people who are important to me not strangers in a news report.

Posts like the one above are an overreaction and sensationalist and frankly insulting.

ivytwine

I would consider myself a fairly empathetic person. When I heard about the Malaysian plane a little shiver ran through me to think of myself being in the situation. But then again, I've flown with that airline, so has my mother and a good few of my very close friends. Would it have made such an impact if I hadn't? Probably not.

We view the world through the prism of our own experience. We must do. For example, if you have never suffered a real bereavement, it's hard to know how you would feel. We Irish are great at funerals and mourning. We say "we can only imagine what they're going through" about the parents who have lost their beautiful child through a crash or suicide. It's true. We can only imagine.

A hard truth is that as human beings only have a certain amount of empathy going around. For self preservation, we must harden our hearts to a certain degree to prevent ourselves going mad. Every life has value, every person is equal but if you mourned and reflected on them all equally you would go nuts. How many people die daily around the world? It simply isn't possible to be as empathetic as you think you should be.

Do some things affect you more than others? Anything with animals gets me. To be honest, I would cry at the thought of a dog or a cat being hurt, whereas I would hear the news of a gangland shooting with a shrug. Does that make me a horrible person? Maybe. It makes me a human being with flaws, like you are too.

Finally, it sounds like the people you're talking about are very draining. Being tired out by people who go on and on about themselves is perfectly normal!

beks101

I agree with the above. You can't feel everyone's pain, it's simply not practical, otherwise you'd be walking around in the deepest, darkest depression all the time.

I'd consider myself a pretty empathetic, emotional person. I have no problem relating to other humans' experiences, feeling sympathy or hurt or anger when I hear about others' suffering or injustices.

But I work in a newsroom, where every story that filters through is "bad news" reflective of some great pain or loss or suffering that someone/a group of people are experiencing. And I simply can't stop to acknowledge it on a human level because I'd be out of a job in no time. So it becomes facts. Logistics. Statistics. Information for the masses.

I think that's a healthy way of processing very many things in an age of bad news and media bombardment and Daily Mail culture that we live in. There's tragedy and devastation every day of the week and we have no choice in hearing about it. It's not possible to shed a tear for one and all.

However, I think empathy matters in the sense that it keeps us connected, as human beings, and it encourages understanding, trust, charity, kindness.

What fosters it in me is reading and researching particular events I've heard about - that due to my job may rub right off of me - and hearing the human stories behind the facts. The mother who will never hear her son's voice again, or the newly wed couple who had one final phone call before the plane hit, or the sister who tried in vain to rescue her sibling. Imagining myself in those positions - if it were my mother, my boyfriend, my sister. That hurts to even imagine. That makes just-another-news-story seem real, seem unfair, seem tragic beyond measure.

If you feel like your lack of empathy is holding you back or preventing you from responding in a socially acceptable manner to tragedies around you, just close your eyes for a second and try imagining it were happening to you and the people you love.

But I think it's a facet of evolution and self-preservation to be selective about what we care and expend our emotions on.

Faith

I had a big post typed out, but I've deleted it. Suffice to say, I'm similar. But it's not a fundamental lack of empathy. We're capable of feeling empathy no problem, but we ration it to protect ourselves. It's an adaptive, protective way of managing our lives so that we don't drown under the volume of pain and misery we're exposed to on a regular basis.

animum

Hi op...look up Buddhism idiot compassion, interesting reading online on the subject.

I always feel like I have a cold heart, or else that people are fake and I am not...glad to see I am not alone.

Thank you

IrishEyes19

suzi2 wrote: »

Surely you all have to be having a laugh???? U seriously trying to tell me that you guys didnt feel anything for the people that lost their lives during 9/11, and their families? Or that you felt it was just 'news' to hear that a flight went down or is lost with over 200 passengers on board??
'Empathy Gone'- no that doesnt even begin to cover it. That title suggests that at one point you might have had the capacity to feel empathy- I dont think so! You blatantly admit that you feel no compassion, pity, or pain for anyone unless they are part of your family! Infact you feel the total opposite, you feel 'put upon', and almost an attitude of 'how dare they burden me with their mundane crap'.
For those that agree and support your sickening post, shame on them!
Not only do you all lack empathy, you are typically the mothers and fathers that breed the violent, unfeeling, young people of today. No wonder they have no value for life. How are they expected to have compassion for anyone when they have the likes of you for role models. Jesus, its not the empathetic loss you should be worried about, its the humanistic loss. My God, whats more worrying is that you actually have people supporting you. I give up!

god, I think you are way of the mark here, people were simply saying whilst the tragedies do hit a nerve, its only fleeting, if you are going to be honest, how many road crashes/murders on the news do you remember and even more telling what about their names?

I certainly feel very sorry for the people suffering due to this missing plane and 9/11 is horrific to watch anytime they show clips, but the fear of god that goes through me tends to result on stormy nights if I know my family are out driving or thinking of my gran who lives in a different county. To suggest sociopath behaviour is incredibly insulting and degrading to a poster who came on here to question how they feel about things. Very out of order.

OP, I'll stand by what I said before. It's a tough call, you certainly are not unfeeling as you display much love for your family and close friends. Dont be so tough on yourself.

suzi2

Ok, firstly I would like to apologise to anybody/everybody that I offended with my post. After looking back on it I can see why it came across as insulting. The OP hit a nerve with me on many levels and I responded with a knee jerk reaction. I am not a judgemental person but I do say it how I see it (one of my downfalls). I certainly didnt mean to cause offense or upset anyone. I think I responded without really pausing to understand what the OP was really trying to get across. It was over the top and out of order, so once again I apologise for that.
If its ok to add to this, that in my defense I think I was reacting more to how things were being phrased rather then the point being made. For example, the way in which the remark was made about that lady in Kilnarden who was shot at the weekend. The OP remarked on the kids 'looking rough'. I found that very offensive and insulting, but maybe thats just me. We are all individuals and react differently to things. So because I am different and happen to find the OP quite shocking, surely that doesnt make me a monster either? I dont expect anybody to react to, lets say, a road accident involving strangers, in the same way they would if their loved ones were involved, but surely there has to be a shred of compassion in there somewhere. I agree that my post wasnt properly thought through, and I could have worded it in such a way as to not offend anyone. But perhaps the OP could have worded things differently too. There are alot of people who have gone through alot of tragedy in their lives, and would find the wording on that post very offensive and disrespectful.
I hope this post isnt taken in the wrong way. I have just started using boards and Im finding it very helpful to me. I do not want to be banned, so please dont take my post up wrong. Again Im just trying to share my opinion.
Thanks

LegacyUser

OP here.
I would like to thank each and every one of you for taking the time out to reply to my post.
I very much appreciate the effort you've all gone to.

Suzi, I understand how my post came across, but I was being honest and that's why I posted in Personal Issues; what's the point of pretending I'm someone I'm not?
Did you want me to sugarcoat my honest feelings incase someone affected by a tragedy reads it?
Sorry, but that's not how PI works and I was being honest with myself and my feelings.
I KNOW the remark I made about those two girls (whose mother was shot) looking rough, was callous..but that's what I felt at the time.
If that's abnormal or normal, the feelings at the time remains the same.

IvyTwine: I do feel more strongly towards the notion of animals being treated cruelly and I've often seen horses or donkeys in a field and find myself worrying about them, thinking about them later that day, hoping they're warm and well looked after.

IrishEyes: Thank you for those kind words. You hit the nail on the head when you said although your thoughts went out to the victims of 9/11, your heart's really only in your mouth when you know a family member might be driving on a stormy night.
I would only really be worried about my family coming to harm.

If people call that selfish, that's totally OK, but I've realised from reading all your replies that I am normal.

Please don't think I lack total compassion and I never act upon my inward feelings.
I am there for people who need me; I would do anything for anyone, but it's only because it's the done thing to do.
Deep down, I can't relate to what they're going through.
If anyone met me they would say I was very warm and loving. I've shared with you all my innermost thoughts and I've come to realise that really, we're all a bit non-empathetic at times, and I guess that's OK too.

Thanks once again for all your replies

listen_lady

Maybe you're just a bit detached from the more emotional side of your brain?

Like some of the the previous posters, I think an indifference to suffering is something of a hallmark of our generation, but I find it more common in my own gender (female) than in the opposite one.

If it's something that causes you distress, maybe you should see a specialist about it.

I'd like to add, though, that empathy is usually an acquired trait in most people and can take years to develop fully.

dellas1979

Well, the first thing I have to say is that your reaction is honest/true to yourself. So, essentially, there cant be anything wrong.

You do have empathy, but you react to what you feel - not the OTT coo-ey fake stuff.

Would be worse to feel no empathy, but fake it (which so many people are good at doing).

My sister in law once told me that she'd suffered a mis-carriage. And I just sat there blinking (never having being pregnant or mis-carry myself). And I didnt feel a thing. And I felt false to do the over-reacting cooing thing. My line was a generic one, something like "sorry to hear that".

Last night then I watched a bit of the sport relief on TV and felt so bad/bawled for the little ones in Africa (and still think about them).

I have more of a strong association and empathy with starving/sick people Ive never met than my own SIL who had a miscarriage. Doesnt make me any lesser a human being or a bad person. I just place my empathy values on certain things that are important to me (and not everyone else).

LegacyUser

You don't lack empathy, you just have perspective.

Think about when you stub your toe. All the suffering in the world means nothing to you for those few seconds of pain. Why? because its immediate, personal and intense.
Take the missing plane happened a week ago to people you don't know of families you don't know and thousands of miles away. When I heard it I thought it was a terrible thing to happen and thought no more about it.

People also fake it, a lot.I will also give you an example from my life. There is my aunt (who people would think is full of empathy), my cousin (daughter of my aunt), me and my wife.
My wife had three miscarriages for all of them people were sympathetic and full of empathy and my aunt of course was one of the main cheerleaders and oh so glad to be seen doing so.
Roll on a few years and my cousin has a miscarriage. My aunt later said to me she had no idea the suffering my wife had suffered until see saw it happen to her own daughter.
My point is people can try empathise with other peoples suffering but they cant do it.

People fake it you are just a bit more honest.

sashafierce

This post has been deleted.

LegacyUser

EmpathyGone wrote: »

OP here.

Merkin, I scored 49 on that personality test.

In reply to some other posters' questions; nothing in my life at present has made me realise I may lack empathy. It hasn't come on suddenly, it is something I think I've always felt, but it's only kind of hitting home with me lately, as I realise my patience with people is waning.

The ironic thing is, if you asked people close to me what kind of person I was, they'd say I was kind, caring, sympathetic and a good listener.
I feel I'm probably too much of a good listener; people seem to find me easy to talk to and I would consider myself very friendly and warm.

But, although I listen to people, inside I'm thinking "I wish you'd shut up, you're boring me and I want to stop listening to you."

Of course I care about my family and friends and what happens them is of huge concern to me, but when it comes to other people, their predicaments don't affect me emotionally.

When I read the news about that woman who was shot dead in Killinardan at the weekend, and the photos of her daughters was on a news-site, the images of them crying just made me think "God they look rough". I never thought "The poor things".

I know this makes me sound awful but I'm really not an awful person; I am kind and caring, but strangers' problems just don't interest me and I don't expect my problems to interest anyone else.

I don't really have much to add as everyone seems to have hit the nail on the head with previous posts. However, I scored 21 in the empathising test so I wouldn't be overly worried if I were you about you're apparent lack of empathy as I seem to be a lot worse and I've actually gotten softer in my old age.