Relationship issue

LegacyUser

Hi guys need a bit of advice and just some outsiders opinions here

Ok long story short my mom and dad have done a lot for my girlfriend. im currently staying with my parents until i finish college. Last week I had an argument with my mom as my girlfriend made a comment to me which she picked up wrong. As a result she told me that my girlfriend was not welcome in the house again. My mother is very hot headed and we dont get on at all really, she says a lot of things out of temper. So as my girlfriend was due to come over later that evening i told her what happened. She got very offended and made a point that she wouldnt come to this house again ( which i respect).

I am going through a hard time with college and illnesses and injuries atm and with my final exams approaching ive asked my girlfriend not to make this any worse. after my mom found out I repeated what she said (which she told me to do) she went back on her word saying she only said this out of temper (which I know is truth).

Now ive told my girlfriend this and she is still very angry and Ive told her that she does not have to socialze with my mom or come to the house but just to be civil and respectful and we wouldnt speak about it again. I feel she'd really be in a bad place right now if it wasnt for my mom and dad. She said ok but the same night she went off on a big rant how wrong my mother was etc how she treats me etc and I just told her to stop.

Now tonight my mom left a compliment under one of her FB pictures which i thought was nice of her. My girlfriend acknowledged every comment except my mothers on purpose. I texted her and said I wish you wouldnt ignore my mothers message and she went off at me again. i told her it would be only manners to reply but she sees it differently ( and she also know ill have to listen to my moms questioning about why shes ignoring her).

The issue is this, I think she's being very unfair to my mother. Without all the help shes given her over the last few months she's probably be broke without a cent for her and her child (not mine), she got her through xmas, helped her with various other things and basically made it so she had a good chance at life (unlike her previous position which was genuinley hell on earth) i feel shes forgotten all the good things in favour of one bad thing. Every time I bring it up she just gets angry and stops texting me

Im also the one stuck in the middle of this. I love my parents very much and they really have done everything for me, Despite the fact that I dont get on with my mother I hate to see anyone be mean to her.

Can anyone shed some light or advice here? Im awfully confused as to how to handle this?

Typer Monkey

I'd suggest that you stop trying to mediate between them and leave them at it. They're two adults and you can't force them to get along. If I were you I'd refuse to discuss your mother with your girlfriend and vice versa and just refuse to engage with their squabbles.

You can't force your girlfriend to be grateful and you can't force your mother to be reasonable. If they are going to make up they'll have to act like adults so I'd stop relaying messages and stressing out about it

dixiefly

Guest89 wrote: »

Hi guys need a bit of advice and just some outsiders opinions here

Ok long story short my mom and dad have done a lot for my girlfriend. im currently staying with my parents until i finish college. Last week I had an argument with my mom as my girlfriend made a comment to me which she picked up wrong. As a result she told me that my girlfriend was not welcome in the house again. My mother is very hot headed and we dont get on at all really, she says a lot of things out of temper. So as my girlfriend was due to come over later that evening i told her what happened. She got very offended and made a point that she wouldnt come to this house again ( which i respect).

I am going through a hard time with college and illnesses and injuries atm and with my final exams approaching ive asked my girlfriend not to make this any worse. after my mom found out I repeated what she said (which she told me to do) she went back on her word saying she only said this out of temper (which I know is truth).

Now ive told my girlfriend this and she is still very angry and Ive told her that she does not have to socialze with my mom or come to the house but just to be civil and respectful and we wouldnt speak about it again. I feel she'd really be in a bad place right now if it wasnt for my mom and dad. She said ok but the same night she went off on a big rant how wrong my mother was etc how she treats me etc and I just told her to stop.

Now tonight my mom left a compliment under one of her FB pictures which i thought was nice of her. My girlfriend acknowledged every comment except my mothers on purpose. I texted her and said I wish you wouldnt ignore my mothers message and she went off at me again. i told her it would be only manners to reply but she sees it differently ( and she also know ill have to listen to my moms questioning about why shes ignoring her).

The issue is this, I think she's being very unfair to my mother. Without all the help shes given her over the last few months she's probably be broke without a cent for her and her child (not mine), she got her through xmas, helped her with various other things and basically made it so she had a good chance at life (unlike her previous position which was genuinley hell on earth) i feel shes forgotten all the good things in favour of one bad thing. Every time I bring it up she just gets angry and stops texting me

Im also the one stuck in the middle of this. I love my parents very much and they really have done everything for me, Despite the fact that I dont get on with my mother I hate to see anyone be mean to her.

Can anyone shed some light or advice here? Im awfully confused as to how to handle this?

Sorry to be blunt but you are responsible for making a smallish issue into a much bigger one.

If you knew in the first instance that your mum did not really mean what she said and that it was really a temporary anger why on earth did you tell your girlfriend?? And then you tell your mum back what your girlfriend said??

There is an old saying, less said easiest mended.

I am usure how you can help the situation and unsure if there is much that you can do as you seem to have handled it so badly. Perhaps try explaining to your girlfriend that this is the way your mum is and that she really didn't mean what she said. Perhaps your dad could speak to your girlfriend and reassure her.

Obliq

Oh boy, you surely are between a rock and a hard-place! For what it's worth, your mother is now (not, because you're doing it for her) dealing with the consequences of her temper outbursts, and your girlfriend is now (not, because you're telling her how she should respond) dealing with having a proper row with your mother. Back off. Sit with your Da. He's probably well on the fence on this one, and that's where you should be too.

Explain yourself to them both - you can't be the go between, they're two adults, sort it out. But for god's sake, put your foot down. It sounds like either of them could make you listen to endless griping about the other one.

desbrook

I'll get shot for saying this but no man has ever sorted out an argument between
two ladies. As suggested don't get involved. Take some consolation - I don't get the feeling anywhere that your mam is bad mouthing your gf or encouraging you to finish or anything. Also you are getting a chance to see how your gf reacts in such situations. Many of us only found out after we were married and it was too late!

Big Bag of Chips

Sorry to say, OP, but I have to agree with the others in that you are poking the fire on this one and making a pretty small problem into all out war.

You should never have repeated what your mother said. You should never have gone back to your mother with what your gf said. But that's done now.

The one thing I will say, though is... You seem to think that your gf is more wrong in this than your mother. And because your mother has helped her out in the past that she should be grateful and put up with your mother saying what she likes about her. I don't think that's healthy. Your mother offered her help, presumably because she wanted to help? Not to use as some hold over your gf. Your gf can be grateful for the help, without having to put up with your mother's mood swings and nastiness towards her.

Your mother was wrong. You admit your mother was wrong, yet you expect your gf to just accept it and get on with it. Your mother should apologise to your gf for whatever she said. Your gf should accept the apology, and apologise for any part she might have played. And you should learn to not go running between the two, telling tales.

LegacyUser

What (roughly speaking) was the comment your girlfriend made to you that your mother got so angry about? You say she just picked a comment up wrong but if even after you told your mum that she had picked something up wrong and explained what was really meant, how did it still end up in a huge argument and her saying your girlfriend was no longer welcome? Was your mum just being protective of you and really didn't like whatever it is she heard said or saw it as your girlfriend treating you badly?

What exactly did you say to your girlfriend to explain the situation? Did you just say that your mum took something up wrong and was angry etc, or did you mention any other possible insults that your mum may have said that your girlfriend is just finding too hard to forgive?

If it's the case that you only explained that your mum took up a comment wrong and flew of the handle then I think your girlfriend might be overreacting a little. It's impossible to know for sure without further context but on the surface at least I feel a bit bad for your mum here. My own mother was very hotheaded too but like yours was also very kind and would always help anybody in any way she could. She seems to have tried to break the ice again by leaving nice comment on facebook etc.
I would agree with your view that your girlfriend seems to be forgetting all the good sides of your mum and focussing just on this one relatively minor incident. Not saying she "owes" your mum anything but I think in your girlfriends shoes I would forgive somebody over this incident if I knew they were a good person who I normally got on well with. That's just my opinion though.

I think you should refuse to listen to your girlfriend bitching about your mother tell her you don't want to hear it, and the same if your mother bitches although atm it sounds like your mum is upset and wants to be back on good terms.

Maybe if you get them to sit down together and chat they could work things out relatively quickly hopefully?