Do You Ever Get Over It?

LegacyUser

I started college in 2012, eighteen and fresh out of school. Long story short, I was raped by my housemate. I dropped out because even when I moved houses I still saw him around college. He never even acknowledged that he raped me, he just went on living his life. I never told anyone.

I went home that Christmas and became completely disillusioned with life. I was numb for awhile, just sleeping away the days, hoping that by some miracle I wouldn't wake up in the morning. On the June bank holiday I planned to commit suicide, my parents were going away that weekend, the only thing that stopped me was my brother coming home that weekend out of the blue.

I carried on and I went back to college that September. I still felt horrible inside. I had lost everything - my ambition, my positivity, even my interest in making friends went out the window. I wasn't even angry, just sad. I seemed to just soak up everyone else's sadness too (if that makes sense). I ended up going to the college counsellor and subsequently being put on anti-depressants by a GP. The counselling helps, the anti-depressants make life bearable but I want I really want to know, did anyone ever get over being raped? I don't want to just exist anymore, I want to enjoy life. At the minute, I live purely for my family so I don't put them through any unnecessary pain. But is that life? I don't think so. My counsellor is great but she doesn't seem to understand exactly and I know everyone is different. I know I can't let him ruin my life but it's so hard to overcome it, I've really tried. I'm still trying.

Amirani

Mod

The Ladies' Lounge isn't really conducive to this sort of thread so I'm going to move it to Personal Issue. Best of luck OP.

Penny Tration

You poor thing. I wish I could give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay.

I was raped at 17, just after starting college, but by a boyfriend rather than a housemate.

Like you, I ended up dropping out, and didn't tell anybody. It took me over a year to tell my mam, and longer to tell my sisters.

I think 'get over it' isn't a phrase I could use. I'll never 'get over' what happened to me.

That sounds quite onimous, but I'll try to explain.

I'm happy. I'm 24 now, have had a few years of therapy and anti depressants and I'm finished with both and like my life. I don't feel sad all of the time, I'm actually quite a happy person.

But I can't say I got over it, because it's not something you get over. It doesn't go away and it's not something you can forget, but you can learn to live a happy, fulfilled life in spite of it.

I was suicidal like you. I self harmed, i became dependent on a prescription drug, I hated sex, I jumped into bad relationships, I quit a job. My life was destroyed.

But yes, I got through it. It takes time and work, but I promise you, it is possible, if you want it.

The hard part is motovating yourself to do the right things, go to counselling, take your meds, exercise, eat well. You don't want to do any of that when you're depressed, do you? God knows I didn't. If you do it though, if you summon the strength to work your backside off in treatment, you WILL come through this.

It's not easy. I still think about what that person did to me. I look back on it with great sadness, because he took some of the best years of my life from me, and left me scarred, physically and emotionally.

But, and it's a big but - he didn't take my life. I ffought back and got better. And so will you.

It takes time lots of time. And tears, sadness, anger, heartache, frustration. But you can get through it.

You will never forget it, but there will come a time where you're not thinking about it every day, and when you do think about it, you'll feel a few moments of sadness, followed by immense pride that you got through it.

I wasn't intending to write such a long post. But please believe me, you can and will get through it.

midlandsmissus

Hi EllaJames.

Hi honey! You will get though it. You are stronger and braver than you know.

I was there four years ago, I did not want to live for a long time, I attempted suicide twice. I had zero self esteem. I feel at the time it ruins your sense of self and you just feel scared and sad all the time.

I went to general counsellors for a while, and then what really helped me was gong to a rape crisis counsellor in Dublin. You need to go to an expert, they know exactly how to help you. This woman helped me no end.

I also eventually contacted the guy and told him everything he made me feel at the time and after and he gave me a sort of an apology. This helped me to heal too.

Also I would really reccomend looking up books about loving yourself and about forgiveness. Forgiveness in this incidence is truly hard I know, and I am not 100 percent there, but when you work on forgiving the person even a small bit at a time, it really frees you as a person from what happened and gives you much happiness.

Four years on I barely think of it, and I have healed so much. And I was the lowest of the low, I was so unhappy and did not want to live.

You can do it pet, and you will have a great life ahead of you. xx

Obliq

ellajames wrote: »

I carried on and I went back to college that September. I still felt horrible inside. I had lost everything - my ambition, my positivity, even my interest in making friends went out the window. I wasn't even angry, just sad. I seemed to just soak up everyone else's sadness too (if that makes sense). I ended up going to the college counsellor and subsequently being put on anti-depressants by a GP. The counselling helps, the anti-depressants make life bearable but I want I really want to know, did anyone ever get over being raped? I don't want to just exist anymore, I want to enjoy life. At the minute, I live purely for my family so I don't put them through any unnecessary pain. But is that life? I don't think so. My counsellor is great but she doesn't seem to understand exactly and I know everyone is different. I know I can't let him ruin my life but it's so hard to overcome it, I've really tried. I'm still trying.

Yes hon, you WILL get over it and you WILL enjoy life again. You want to, and that's the main thing....

I'm 42 now, and was raped when 22. Your paragraph above could have been written for me, and like you (like the other posters) I dropped out, had counselling and anti-depressants. I don't want to go into too much detail, but I can tell you the short version of my route to actual recovery. It was when I stopped blaming myself.

It's so easy for other people to say "Oh, don't blame yourself, you can't do that", and you do your best to believe them and please them. I spent many, many years telling other people that no, I knew I wasn't to be blamed, but inside I'd be so hard on myself. "If only I hadn't done x,y and z - if only I had less to drink - if only I'd have kept my head down and he wouldn't have picked me - if only I ......"

After years of this, one counsellor hit the nail on the head for me when she said "so you're blaming yourself for being drunk enough for him to rape you. HOW DO YOU KNOW he wouldn't have done it anyway?". Good point. Then there was the "but I never would have been there if I wasn't drunk", and she with the "HOW DO YOU KNOW?".

I swear, I came away from that session angrier at the rapist than with myself, and THAT was a win. Until then, I spent more time and energy being angry at myself and feeling SO, SO sad that "I" had ****ed up. Not that "he" had, I had been angry at ME.

Hon, please be angry as hell at that *insert bannable string of curse words suitable to call a rapist here*. Please stay angry AT HIM. You will love yourself again, I promise. I am having the best 5 yrs of my life this last while, and there were a few great ones since my 30's as well (admit to crappy marriage due to crappy self-esteem - all better now). Lots of love OP - take care Xxx

Obliq

midlandsmissus wrote: »

Also I would really reccomend looking up books about loving yourself and about forgiveness. Forgiveness in this incidence is truly hard I know, and I am not 100 percent there, but when you work on forgiving the person even a small bit at a time, it really frees you as a person from what happened and gives you much happiness.

I know in this forum we're not really supposed to discuss, just advise, but I'd like to address this above. I don't want to put down midlandsmissus experience of forgiveness AT ALL, because clearly different methods will work for different people. This isn't sitting well with me though, and it's for the reason that I actually had people saying to me down the years that I should try to forgive him. At the time, I was having SUCH a hard time forgiving myself that if they could have seen into my heart, they never would have said that.

I'm sorry to directly contradict this post, but NOBODY has to forgive their rapist. It's quite ok, completely acceptable and possibly very healthy (rather than hating yourself) to HATE him forever and a day. Of course, this too will pass, but working on forgiving such a pitiful excuse for a person can be put safely on the long finger, in my opinion. X

Penny Tration

I have to agree with Obliq.

I never have, and never will, forgive my rapist. He took my virginity and he took years from my life that I can never get back.

Forgiveness is a wonderful, powerful thing. But never feel as though you need to work on forgiving somebody.

Whether you forgive or not, you need to work to make sure that bitterness doesn't consume you. As long as you can overcome the bitterness, forgiveness is not necessary for recovery.

Obliq

green_screen wrote: »

Whether you forgive or not, you need to work to make sure that bitterness doesn't consume you. As long as you can overcome the bitterness, forgiveness is not necessary for recovery.

Yes, the bitterness. I have even managed to forgive myself now about how bitter I felt towards myself.....any stick I could take up to beat myself with, I did it. Sure, I beat myself up over beating myself up. What the OP mentioned about living for her family now rang so true with me.....I remember not trusting me to be good to me, and so living through other people's eyes is what kept me going.

You said it green_screen, about continuing to take your meds, go to counselling....plod on, in other words, and do the necessary physical things for yourself. Soon, you won't just be on automatic, you will feel it's good for you to be helping you and you'll be doing it for yourself, not just for your family. One day at a time hon. We're still here, and life can be good again X

ElleEm

I have nothing to add to the above advice, as I don't think it will add anything, but I just want to thank the posters who shared their own personal stories.

Green Screen, Midland Missus and Obliq, I admire your strength and bravery x

midlandsmissus

Obliq wrote: »

I know in this forum we're not really supposed to discuss, just advise, but I'd like to address this above. I don't want to put down midlandsmissus experience of forgiveness AT ALL, because clearly different methods will work for different people. This isn't sitting well with me though, and it's for the reason that I actually had people saying to me down the years that I should try to forgive him. At the time, I was having SUCH a hard time forgiving myself that if they could have seen into my heart, they never would have said that.

I'm sorry to directly contradict this post, but NOBODY has to forgive their rapist. It's quite ok, completely acceptable and possibly very healthy (rather than hating yourself) to HATE him forever and a day. Of course, this too will pass, but working on forgiving such a pitiful excuse for a person can be put safely on the long finger, in my opinion. X

Hi Obliq and green_screen oh of course nobody has to forgive their rapist at all.

I am human and my heart still rages with anger and venom at him at times, but definitely not as much as I used to, and I have alot more freedom and peace of mind now.

At the time and years after, I was absolutely eaten up with anger and hatred at what he did to me, and what he took from me.
I started looking up stories of other people that had gone through it, and I found stories of women who had managed to forgive their attackers.

And I tried to do it just a little bit, I thought of him as a human, and I thought of what bad experiences had led him to do that, and it enabled me to get power back, and to realise who he was had nothing to do with how I was, and to try and let him go and forgive him and what had occurred.

And it gave me alot of strength, and it gave me huge peace of mind, and it enabled me to see myself as a great person again, and to pity him that he had to act like that.

So I think in this instance forgiveness isn't about saying what that person did was okay, it's about setting yourself free.

I found it was the number one thing I did for myself to move on along with going to the right counsellor.(The rape crisis centre in Dublin OP, I'd truly reccommend that you go to them)

And of course I all agree we all need to do what is best for ourselves, but it is useful to share experiences, and I truly share this with love and compassion and kindness for other women on here. You are stronger than you know.

I hope everybody achieves healing, peace and kindness in their lives. You are all very strong.xx And to the OP, please keep coming back to this thread if you need to talk, huge love and kindness to you, this is a point in your life that you will get through, and there is much more good things ahead of you x.

Penny Tration

I 100% respect your experience and views, mislandsmissus. I may have chosen a different way of dealing with it (for example, I had a very bad experience with the RCC so went to a different place), but different things work for different people, and I'm glad the path you went helped you to recover.

Merkin

Oh you poor girl, I want to just hug you, you have been through so much.

I think you have to bear in mind that what happened to you is still relatively recent and consequently quite raw. You are essentially going through a grieving process and with that, you are going to encounter a whole host of emotions and ups and downs that you have to work through before you can learn to live with what happened.

I think you are doing very well by the sounds of things. You can't expect to get better overnight but you certainly seem to be pursuing all the help available to you and you are very brave to do that.

I do think from reading your post that if you feel your counsellor doesn't really understand your situation you should maybe look at finding another counsellor. Some counsellors deal specifically with sexual abuse and rape and someone who has specialist training and experience in such matters may be better equipped to helping you and your case specifically. You would not be disloyal to your current counsellor, maybe she has taken you as far as she can and you now need someone else to help you with the next stage of the healing process? Please look into this.

I find the women on this thread who have encountered the horrors of rape first hand and shared their stories so inspirational and possess such generosity of spirit, you have all been through so much xx

LegacyUser

God, you all don't know how much I appreciate these replies. When I wrote that OP I didn't expect anyone to be so open and honest about their personal experience so thank you all for that, definitely has given me hope that things will get better in the future.

I have built up a good relationship with my counsellor, she really does help with the depression but I will look into the RCC.

As for the forgiveness part, I don't think I'll be ever able to forgive him for what he did to me, midlandsmissus I completely understand where you're coming from though. I never included it in the OP but I found out I was pregnant after he raped me. I had money saved up from a part-time job I had had and had to go to England by myself for an abortion - something which I wish I never had to do. I'm not a religious person but it came close to being one of the worst experiences of my life. I have never felt loneliness like it, crippling. It was the best option, I know that, but I can't help but dwell on it. If anything I can't really feel anger or bitterness anymore, just sadness because I was put in a position I never wanted to be in. It shouldn't affect me as much as it does but seeing babies with their mother's on public transport or in shops is like a stab in the heart. I can't help but feel guilty for what I did. I sometimes feel like it places me in the same category as him. I realise that even if I had kept the baby I would never have loved it, I don't think I would have been capable of it which probably makes me a horrible person.

The worst part of all this is that there's no let up from it, you would think when you're asleep you'll escape it but in any given week I'll have the same reoccurring nightmare of that night at least twice. I don't sleep much anymore because of it.

Green_screen, midlandsmissus and Obliq - you all make me hopeful things will get better so thank you for that. And I'm also very sorry to hear that you all went through similar, no one should have to experience that.

Obliq

Hi Midlandmissus, I'm sorry if what I said implied any kind of criticism and I think you're spot on in your post above. I do remember that when my own feelings of self-worth returned, that the hatred I felt for the rapist did begin to take on a different light, and I started to see him as more of a pathetic and immensely sad individual who also would have to live with the knowledge of what he'd done. We're all winners here, and OP, you'll feel that about yourself too in time...

I also went to the RCC, but I found the counsellor there to be pretty unsatisfactory - using fairly confrontational techniques like speaking out loud to "myself" who I was meant to place on the chair opposite me. Confusing. It's always luck of the draw with counsellors, but over the years I've found some amazing people with incredible listening and communication skills.

Also, thanks to the posters who have called us brave. I appreciate that, and I'd like to say to the OP that you ARE brave, so brave to talk about this. So brave to ask questions like Do you ever get over it? So brave to do as much as you're able to do to try and make sure your family aren't worrying about you (although I'm sure they'd much rather know the depth of your feelings than be kept in the dark when you need them, and their help, and their love).
You might not feel very brave right now, but when you come through this, you will know exactly how brave you are. People don't usually find that out until they've been through a massive personal crisis.

Wish you all the best and a huge virtual hug as well Xxx

Ps. Totally what Merkin said above here. Forgot to say that....spot on about how raw this is right now and about your counsellor IMO

Obliq

Ah Elle, your post wasn't up when I posted mine above (something about guest posts having to be approved, and then they pop up at the time they were posted, not when they were approved I think....)

Good to hear back from you, but so sorry to hear you have had the additional trauma of going alone for an abortion and that you have all those feelings to deal with now as well. That is the measure of appalling control that the rapist took over your life, forcing you to now experience ALL this (it's not just the act itself, is it?).

For what it's worth, I think you have done that tiny unsentient life a favour. I know that is a controversial thing to say, but you are quite right to wait until you have decided to become pregnant in my book....you will love a child that you want and when you choose to have a baby. I do. I have two wonderful sons now of 12 and 15, who are my world. If I had become pregnant through the rape, I know I wouldn't have hesitated, and done the very same as you. And I'm sure I'd have felt the very same when looking at parents with babies, and while I understand that having been forced to abort this pregnancy leaves you sometimes feeling "as bad" as the rapist, I can't and would NEVER agree. You took action towards your life continuing to be controlled by that *again, insert swear words*, and it is not a selfish or horrible act, it is an act of self preservation.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you strength to leave feelings of guilt behind you. All the best Elle Xx

Sgt Pepper 64

Elle, and other brave souls

Although not raped, I did experience extreme physical violence and psychological torture at the hands of my father.
My mother killed herself when I was 8 and my brother was 2 months old, and we were split up.
Obviously this affected me for years and I eventually got counselling which has helped.
Today at 50, I am still affected by it, but the affects have been minimised enormously and I have learnt to manage a lot myself and become my own councillor by recognising trigger points and choosing to follow a different path than the usual cycle. 9/10 times I can do this successfully
I have a successful career and a family, (2 beautiful young daughters) something I never thought possible, even at 25.

Many many dark moments along the way, but the message I want to send is that it IS possible to recover somewhat from a major life trauma.
I'm certainly not saying its easy but it is possible.

counselling and meditation and an inner drive to not let some sad little bastard beat me were more the answer (medication was a very smaller percentage, mainly through fear of never getting off them!)

I also recommend acupuncture, learning about CBT and Mindfulness and I have heard great things about this place which also does rape counselling.

http://www.oscailt.com/

I wish you well, and happiness, you CAN do it, you can find a way, you really can.
Never give up, never stop searching for peace and don't accept some of the so called "fixers" because you will meet some unhelpful ones.
Like banks, don't stick with one councillor if they aren't working for you, change!

LegacyUser

green_screen wrote: »

I 100% respect your experience and views, mislandsmissus. I may have chosen a different way of dealing with it (for example, I had a very bad experience with the RCC so went to a different place), but different things work for different people, and I'm glad the path you went helped you to recover.

Same here with the RCC issue, two years later I finally had the strength to lodge a complaint about it to them also. It re-traumatised me at the time.

As for the idea of forgiveness - that makes me want to punch a brick wall - repeatedly. And that's okay, because they don't deserve it.

Ham Sambo

Please please please confide in somebody you can trust, tell them what happened and get this scum bag off the streets before he does it to somebody else. Best of luck.

YumCha

I don't really have a lot to add, but I found a psychologist called Nina Burrowes who uses cartoons to help survivors of sexual abuse make sense of what happened to them... her work (which is based on her research) helped me understand a lot about why you're more likely to freeze than fight, which was a big part of forgiving myself.

Be good to yourself, and put yourself first xx

deseil

You ll get through this op dont let this animal ruin your life, you have a strength and drive that you haven't yet realised youve survived and you will overcome. Grab your future with both hands and make it your mission to not let this alter your life forever be happy and healthy and talk when you need to.