teenage boys.

zoe 3619

UrHave two young teenage boys (both under 15) wondering what other people do about discipline.seems like my boys are running rings around me.they have pocket money every week.if they misbehave they get less.(they don't mind) can remove privileges,like friends coming round etc.(doesn't seem to bother them) sometimes they're great,loving and helpful.other times they'll swear at me,break things around the house,or even throw things at me.lovely lads.love them to bits.wonder what I'm doing wrong.never would have behaved like that myself as a child.mostly I suppose because I was scared of the consequences.we were smacked if we behaved badly.don't want to go down that road,but would like a bit more respect/help.if I ask them to do odd jobs they downright refuse.(sorry for lack of paragraphs etc-mobile phone)

margio

what ever you do, nip it in the bud right now. A good Smack(might be shot for saying this) might just be what they need. I think all Teen aged boys go through a phase where you can't even talk to them, so your boys are no different than the kids of the 80's and 90's but as you said the fear of a smack acted a a great deterrent for us, doesn't mean there were never any show downs with our Parents. Are you sure there is nothing you can take off them or ban them from that would be the end of the world in your eyes. Breaking things and throwing thing at you, is exactly why you need to nip things in the bud right now. Good luck.

SparkySpitfire

margio wrote: »

what ever you do, nip it in the bud right now. A good Smack(might be shot for saying this) might just be what they need. I think all Teen aged boys go through a phase where you can't even talk to them, so your boys are no different than the kids of the 80's and 90's but as you said the fear of a smack acted a a great deterrent for us, doesn't mean there were never any show downs with our Parents. Are you sure there is nothing you can take off them or ban them from that would be the end of the world in your eyes. Breaking things and throwing thing at you, is exactly why you need to nip things in the bud right now. Good luck.

Are you joking? Smacking a teenager is laughable. They're big enough to hit back if they feel a threat.

I can't help you OP but there's no sense in smacking a teenage boy on the backside. Even the thought makes me laugh and raise an eyebrow that this was even suggested.

Toots

SparkySpitfire wrote: »

Are you joking? Smacking a teenager is laughable. They're big enough to hit back if they feel a threat.

I can't help you OP but there's no sense in smacking a teenage boy on the backside. Even the thought makes me laugh and raise an eyebrow that this was even suggested.

I'd agree, if they're smashing stuff in the house and throwing things at you it doesn't seem to me that they'd see smacking you as a step too far. Especially if you start it first. If they're being violent towards you (and BTW throwing stuff around and at you is exactly what that is) something seriously needs to be done. What if something they throw at you causes serious injury?

Re the pocket money, I'd get rid of it altogether until their behaviour improves. Tell them that if they're polite, helpful, and well behaved for a full month, then you will consider re-instating the pocket money. Then going forward, that it has to be earned. It's not an entitlement, they can earn it by helping around the house, behaving, and showing you the respect you deserve. Tell them that if they act up, it won't mean a reduction in pocket money, it will mean NO pocket money. (as an aside, I'd make sure you don't leave your purse unattended during this time)

You say that when they act up, they're not allowed to have friends around. Are they allowed to go to other friends houses? If so I can see why they're not overly bothered by this. Also do they have things at home like game consoles/laptops/tablets? I'd be confiscating those until they cop themselves on. Don't leave them in the house where they can get them, lock the stuff in a room or a cupboard or bring it to a relative's house. (while they are at school so that they can't try to physically stop you from taking them) Do they have mobiles? If so do you buy them credit? No more of that until things improve either.

I know all that sounds a bit harsh, but honestly, this needs to be nipped in the bud now before it gets worse. Imagine they're 16 and 18, essentially grown men, and this carry on is still happening. I really feel for you OP, I can't imagine what it's like to be in the situation you're in. Not sure if it's something you'd consider, but I remember years ago my friends little brother was similar to your sons - really horrible to his parents, smashing stuff in the house, etc and nothing they did seemed to work. In the end the parents went and had a chat with the community Garda who came down and had a little 'chat' with him. Told him he'd be back calling back in the future to see how things were going. Things drastically improved after that. It wasn't overnight, but they definitely saw a huge improvement in his demeanor and there were no more outbursts in the house, swearing at the parents etc.

It would also be a good idea to pop around to your GP, they might be able to put you in touch with a group or something who could help you deal with this.

Best of luck OP.

sydthebeat

Who is the adult here?

You cannot be your teenage Kids parent AND their friend at the same time. You must enforce boundaries.
Remember you are mostly their transport for socialising, sports, school etc.

If they misbehave, remove their privileges.

CrazyRabbit

Remove everything. No pocket money, no games, no consoles, no phones, no TV etc. Just leave them with the bare basics...3 plain meals a day, a bed, blanket, pillow & a change of clothes. Everything else is a privilege and needs to be earned back.

Teenagers hitting their parents or damaging their parents' possessions is absolutely not acceptable for any reason.

Make them realise just how lucky they are and how much they really depend on you.

The Princess Bride

As a mother of a teenage boy, I wish I could advise you, but sadly I can't.
It can be bloody difficult and many is the time I've wanted to either pack his bags or mine.
The only thing I will say is to look after your mental health and take some time out to do something for yourself that doesn't involve being a parent.

Some books I've been recommended- John Sharry-Bringing up responsible teenagers
and Steve Biddulph- Raising Boys < which is an easy read and makes so much sense.

Take care.

beertons

Disable wifi. If they're not allowed have friends round, they shouldn't be allowed out either. Housework, give them more.

Sam Mac

margio wrote: »

what ever you do, nip it in the bud right now. A good Smack(might be shot for saying this) might just be what they need. I think all Teen aged boys go through a phase where you can't even talk to them, so your boys are no different than the kids of the 80's and 90's but as you said the fear of a smack acted a a great deterrent for us, doesn't mean there were never any show downs with our Parents. Are you sure there is nothing you can take off them or ban them from that would be the end of the world in your eyes. Breaking things and throwing thing at you, is exactly why you need to nip things in the bud right now. Good luck.

Smacking a teen is just plain stupid. They can hit back - harder, more than likely. Not to mention the fact that its illegal.

zoe 3619

Thanks for the input.removing stuff doesn't seem to work.(that's mine.take it and I'll take something of yours).if I went with slapping them,would they not think that physical strength is a fair means to get your own way?(could he slapping me back in a couple of years)when they're grounded-no friends over,no visiting friends.doesn't seem to have much input.great boys,but when the lose their tempers(usually when arguing with each other)seems like anything goes.as for talking to g.p,can't really see how that might help.

margio

Sam Mac wrote: »

Smacking a teen is just plain stupid. They can hit back - harder, more than likely. Not to mention the fact that its illegal.

It's not illegal, but agree that a woman doing it is probably useless especially if they are being aggressive towards her already , and possibly dangerous for her aswell, Agree with the person about only giving them the basics, 3 meals a day and blankets etc. And I was not on about a smack on the bottom, as one poster suggests.

Toots

Your GP could put you in touch with a social worker or some sort of similar service that could help you. Honestly, it couldn't hurt to try.

Toots

Also have you tried calling Parentline? It might be useful too. http://www.parentline.ie

margio

Toots* wrote: »

I'd agree, if they're smashing stuff in the house and throwing things at you it doesn't seem to me that they'd see smacking you as a step too far. Especially if you start it first. If they're being violent towards you (and BTW throwing stuff around and at you is exactly what that is) something seriously needs to be done. What if something they throw at you causes serious injury?

Re the pocket money, I'd get rid of it altogether until their behaviour improves. Tell them that if they're polite, helpful, and well behaved for a full month, then you will consider re-instating the pocket money. Then going forward, that it has to be earned. It's not an entitlement, they can earn it by helping around the house, behaving, and showing you the respect you deserve. Tell them that if they act up, it won't mean a reduction in pocket money, it will mean NO pocket money. (as an aside, I'd make sure you don't leave your purse unattended during this time)

You say that when they act up, they're not allowed to have friends around. Are they allowed to go to other friends houses? If so I can see why they're not overly bothered by this. Also do they have things at home like game consoles/laptops/tablets? I'd be confiscating those until they cop themselves on. Don't leave them in the house where they can get them, lock the stuff in a room or a cupboard or bring it to a relative's house. (while they are at school so that they can't try to physically stop you from taking them) Do they have mobiles? If so do you buy them credit? No more of that until things improve either.

I know all that sounds a bit harsh, but honestly, this needs to be nipped in the bud now before it gets worse. Imagine they're 16 and 18, essentially grown men, and this carry on is still happening. I really feel for you OP, I can't imagine what it's like to be in the situation you're in. Not sure if it's something you'd consider, but I remember years ago my friends little brother was similar to your sons - really horrible to his parents, smashing stuff in the house, etc and nothing they did seemed to work. In the end the parents went and had a chat with the community Garda who came down and had a little 'chat' with him. Told him he'd be back calling back in the future to see how things were going. Things drastically improved after that. It wasn't overnight, but they definitely saw a huge improvement in his demeanor and there were no more outbursts in the house, swearing at the parents etc.

It would also be a good idea to pop around to your GP, they might be able to put you in touch with a group or something who could help you deal with this.

Best of luck OP.

why don't she just ask the Parish Priest to come and have a word with them while she's at it

LadyMayBelle

I am suspecting smacking is being thrown in as a stirring point; seriously OP, smacking is unacceptable and you are right that it teaches them 'physical strength is fair means to getting your own way'. It's not going to work. You said yourself that when you were a teen you were fearful of the consequences of doing wrong so you didnt.

As others have suggested, you are the adult, and you need to take a tougher line discipline wise. Id suggest even going along to a Parenting course or something that will give you the tools and encouragement to deal with problem behaviours.

PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE the for the behaviours you want to see more of (the helpfulness round the house, the little things they might do for you, the way they treat each other). Teens will respond to that well.

TEACH them the right way to behave by your own actions if there are things you can do. TELL them what you expect from them, and maybe have a family conference to look at some issues?

You must lay down the lawa, and be consistent with it, to see change. Get support to help you stick to your guns, be a parents course (usually free) or support of a Family Support Worker.

I always recommend reading 'How to talk so teens will listen and listen so teens will talk' as it's flipping excellent and so useful for communicating with stroppy teens.

toughapple

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

Remove everything. No pocket money, no games, no consoles, no phones, no TV etc. Just leave them with the bare basics...3 plain meals a day, a bed, blanket, pillow & a change of clothes. Everything else is a privilege and needs to be earned back.

Teenagers hitting their parents or damaging their parents' possessions is absolutely not acceptable for any reason.

Make them realise just how lucky they are and how much they really depend on you.

Why should they be getting 3 plain meals a day? They should not be allowed make a skivvy of their mother. The ingredients should be made available and they should be made prepare their own food and clean up after themselves. The o/p will have to woman up and stop allowing herself to be trodden on. It will only get worse as they get older. Smacking won't help.