Struggling to like myself

LegacyUser

I have had low self esteem for years- was bullied throughout childhood and teens and had friends who loved to put me down at every opportunity to make themselves feel better.
Im now a first year in college and have started seeing my college Councillor to deal with this. Ive cut out the toxic friends from secondary school and have a good gang of friends now who like me for me.
My problem is accepting myself. My counselor emphasis's the need to love yourself and see yourself as worthy but I find this hard to do. I know im a good person in that Im kind etc. but I hate how quiet I am. I cant force myself to be outgoing as it just feels like im lying to everyone about who I am and I feel like a fraud, but I cant accept myself as being quiet as I always feel so boring and unworthy of talking to others, like I have nothing of note or interesting to say. Has anyone overcome this? I really wanna learn to accept myself and hopefully get into a relationship at some point but i feel like this is impossible as no one would want to be with me in that way when im so boring, not funny etc...

loalae

You sound quite similar to me. I've had self-esteem problems in the past due to bullying and because I thought I was a weirdo for not being outgoing. I've only recently realised that being quiet isn't a character flaw (there's a book called Quiet by Susan Cain and, I feel like a sap saying this, but it really changed how I feel about myself being introverted).

First thing first - stop calling yourself boring, unworthy, a fraud, not funny etc. If that's what you say to yourself that's what you'll believe.

Try to retrain your thought pattern so that you aren't constantly telling yourself negative things about yourself. Changing your thought pattern is really difficult and it's a matter of having gentle discipline - so try to do it without being harsh on yourself. Catch yourself thinking the negative thought, then gently put it aside. You could also replace it with a reality check e.g. "Actually, I'm really good at making people feel at ease."

There are plenty of good qualities that go hand in hand with being quiet. For example, would you consider yourself to be thoughtful? Or observant? A good listener? You say yourself that you're kind - in what way? I'm not expecting you to answer that here but it may be worth thinking about.

Not everyone is outgoing, loud, or bubbly. FWIW as much as I enjoy being around bubbly people, I sometimes find them exhausting. Many of my friends are quite introverted and they are fantastic fun in the right setting.

You have good qualities, of course you do. Figure them out and be proud of them.

Also, figure out what type of situation is comfortable for you. For example, I HATE sitting at a lunch table or the pub with over 10 people - I just don't open my mouth - I much prefer sitting with 3 or 4 other people where I can actually get a word in.

Don't try to force yourself to be someone you're not - it's exhausting and pointless. It also comes off as false. People who are worth it will love you for who you are.

1. Change negative thought pattern
2. Figure out what makes YOU great
3. Play to those strengths.

Also, being loud isn't better than being quiet. It's just a different way of being. Both are deadly in different ways.