Not crazy about sex

LegacyUser

This is probably gonna sound really stupid, and might make me sound a lot younger than I actually am. I'm in my late 20s and have only recently been physically capable of having sex. What happened for years was that I would tense up too much and so it would hurt way too much, which needless to say just made me tense up even more! I still always had boyfriends and they didn't seem to mind since I always liked everything else.
So I've finally worked up to being able to have sex, great right? Well, no, actually. I still don't really enjoy it, it always hurts to begin with and the high point seems to be when it's hurting less. I don't know if there's something really wrong with me, because I feel like this can't be right, isnt it supposed to feel good? But it just doesn't, I don't mind it, but I really feel like "Is that it?"

December2012

You could go talk to a sexual therapist to develop your relaxation techniques.

You could also see a gynaecologist to investigate any physical concerns.

It's not supposed to hurt.

Tokyo

OP, you really need to make an appointment with your gynecologist to make sure that there are no physical causes of your pain, just for your own peace of mind, if nothing else. It's something that you should be doing anyways if you have recently started being sexually active. Only after that can you address the possible psychological causes. Your gynecologist will have seen and heard similar stories many times before, and I imagine would be able to point you in the right direction towards somebody that can help you, if it's not something immediately apparent to him or her.

Jenneke87

You're not alone, I'm the same. If I never had sex again I'd be okay with it. It just hurts, and I've no medical issues and I derive little pleasure or joy from it, it's really just for whomever I'm with.

Sex is made out to be this great wonderful thing that everybody is suppose to want and crave every second of the day, making those who feel less enthousiastic about this like there's something wrong with them when in fact, there are people who don't like/enjoy sex, have a low libido or are completely asexual(not saying you are).

In addition to the above, could it be that you're partner is thrusting too hard and makes it uncomfortable for you? Do you have problems maintaining aroused during sex?

ElleEm

Are you using lube during sex?

Merkin

This is really a medical issue. You were physically incapable of having sex for years and now that you have worked up to it, it is causing you pain. This really shouldn't be happening you poor girl so I think it is vital you address this with a trained medical professional sooner rather than later and get the help you need. Your first port of call should be your GP or women's health clinic and then get a referral.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies everyone, really helpful! Especially Jenneke87, coz I think that really might be me. I went to a gyno about it almost a year ago and she recommended psychosexual counselling to me at that time, but I'm not able to afford it. But she said there wasn't any physical cause for it. I just assumed that the stuff I've done by myself and how much I've improved meant that I'd sorted any psychological cause but that maybe it's just never going to be great for me. It's just really annoying coz I feel like if there's a phychological issue about it then f*ck if I know what the hell it is.

Stavro Mueller

I don't want to go down the road of medical diagnosis but there's are psychological conditions out there such as vaginismus. The only people who can help you properly are trained professionals. So please see if you can access affordable help.

Jenneke87

Just remember also that penetrative sex isn't what makes all women have a good time between the sheets. Women's bodies do work differently and you might not have discovered the things that get you going, so to speak. But I understand that not enjoying penetration can cause issues in a relationship because it might make yourself and your partner feel inadequate or like there's something wrong with you physically when -and that's my personal believe-not everybody enjoys sex as much as the media would like us to believe. And in an ideal world we should be able to acknowlegde that without thinking that there's something wrong with us and being able to discuss that with our partner without fearing we might lose them or that we'll never be able to have one in the first place because........we don't enjoy sex as much as we "should" I find that sad, to be honest. Best of luck and please don't feel abnormal in any way, you're not.

LegacyUser

OP again, have to say I really appreciate the responses, didn't really know what people might say, and is actually vagismus alright, I just thought it was gone by now. I do think I probably need to get help from a trained professional, but I think Jennek87's responses were really helpful coz to be honest I don't think I'm all that crazy about sex in any case and it's nice to hear someone else say the same.

Tasden

bitofadowner wrote: »

OP again, have to say I really appreciate the responses, didn't really know what people might say, and is actually vagismus alright, I just thought it was gone by now. I do think I probably need to get help from a trained professional, but I think Jennek87's responses were really helpful coz to be honest I don't think I'm all that crazy about sex in any case and it's nice to hear someone else say the same.

While I think that jennek87 did give helpful advice, and is right in saying that some people just don't like sex all that much, I don't think you personally can say that just yet because in reality what you've experienced to date may not actually be "sex" as such, I mean its the physical act of intercourse but if its painful and uncomfortable for you then its not the sex that everybody else appears to be enjoying.

Basically, what I mean is that if you were to overcome any medical issues and have gentle and enjoyable sex then you may find that it is something you enjoy and look forward to/want. Of course you're not all that mad about it if you're being hurt during it so I think try the gp again.

It could just be the positions you're trying, or your partner is not being gentle enough or giving you time to relax beforehand, or a number of other factors that have set you back so to speak.

If you do think that it is just not for you then there is also nothing shameful or wrong in feeling that way, but I would advise you to really explore all options first in order to experience sex without pain/discomfort before reaching that conclusion tbh.

LegacyUser

Ha, fair point, I totally agree Tasden, I just meant I was really happy with the balanced kind of responses I got no matter what the outcome of it all is.

Ah_Yeah

The key thing that stood out for me in your post was "I always still enjoyed everything else". That speaks volumes to me. You clearly are a sexual person as you enjoy foreplay, it is the physical act of sex and the pain that goes with it that makes you dislike intercourse. I would echo what other posters said and seek help as I do believe you would enjoy sex if you experienced it the way it should be experienced.

I had a severe case of thrush which made sex painful,and I couldn't have sex for close to 2 months - but I still wanted to do everything despite not being able to. However, now that I am healed, my past pain is making me panic when it comes to intercourse (despite being sufficiently turned on etc), so I know it is psychological. It's a slow process but my partner is patient and we will get there.

Things you can try are plenty of lubrication (there's loads out there so them all!), lots of foreplay, take things slow. Try getting your partner to use his hands/fingers on you first to guage how it feels for you. Going on top will allow you to control the pace etc so try that too.

Good luck OP.