Boyfriend sending mixed messages

LegacyUser

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for 8 months and I thought everything was going great, up until about 3 weeks ago.

We normally meet up 2 or 3 times a week, maybe go to dinner or a movie, but lately we haven't been doing anything. He says he is really busy at work and just very tired, but I find it hard to believe that he doesn't have even an hour to see me even at the weekends.

Another problem is that I would text him and he might not text back until a couple of hours later, or maybe not at all. Now, he does admit he doesn't like texting, but he was never like this before. And I know he has seen my texts because we use whatsapp and it tells you if a message has been seen or when the person was last online. It's really upsetting that he reads my text and doesn't bother to text back.

The worst thing is when he instigates the conversation, I reply pretty much straight away and then he might not say anything for hours! I don't want to seem like one of these girlfriends that needs constant attention, but responding to texts isn't asking for too much, is it?

I have asked him if our relationship is okay, and he keeps telling me everything is fine and he was sorry, but this behaviour is still going on. I don't want to pester him and keep asking if we are okay, because I know he will say we are but I know we aren't.

Could I be missing something obvious here, maybe like some personal issue in his life that he's not sharing? I really don't want to probe too much in case I end up screwing up our relationship entirely, if it's not over as it is. Or could it be that he wants to end the relationship, but is forcing me to do it?

I really don't know what to do.

December2012

If you're going out 8 months you can simply ask him about other things in his life that could be stressing him out, like work / family issues.

If you need an immediate response, call him, don't text.

CaraMay

You either accept what he is saying or you don't and tbh I wouldn't. What's the point going out with someone who doesn't really care if he sees or is in contact with you?

You've already asked him and had no luck so now the only thing you can do is back off totally. Don't be so available and see if he comes after you and wants to start spending time together again. He is a big boy so if he has other stresses he can tell you.

It doesn't look great tbh

Stavro Mueller

Have the delays in texting back only started recently or was he always slow to reply?

To be honest this looks ominous. Being tired and/or really busy in work are the oldest excuses in the book. This looks like a relationship that's fizzling out and your boyfriend isn't the one with the stomach to pull the plug.

Merkin

textback wrote: »

Could I be missing something obvious here, maybe like some personal issue in his life that he's not sharing? I really don't want to probe too much in case I end up screwing up our relationship entirely, if it's not over as it is.

I can understand the need for self protection and the desire to put off having any difficult conversation BUT, while the status quo remains as is, you are effectively in limbo.

He has stopped meeting up with you and correspondence is sparse at best. This really doesn't bode well and while I know it's hard you do deserve to know where you stand. You'll drive yourself mad otherwise.

I'd phone him and ask him to meet with you this weekend and ask him face to face if he sees a future for you both.

GreeBo

CaraMay wrote: »

You've already asked him and had no luck so now the only thing you can do is back off totally. Don't be so available and see if he comes after you and wants to start spending time together again. He is a big boy so if he has other stresses he can tell you.

Op don't play games, just talk to him.
Playing hard to get to encourage him is just childish imo.

If he is a big boy then treat him like one, not like a circus animal.

CaraMay

It's not playing games or hard to get. It's making life so busy you are not always available to him.

Catphish

GreeBo wrote: »

Op don't play games, just talk to him.
Playing hard to get to encourage him is just childish imo.

I think you've misunderstood Caramay. For any of the posts of hers I've seen, she has never advised anyone to play hard to get. In fact, it would be very out of character for her. It's possible that while the op is steady on course for a LTR, perhaps it's the case that he is not just yet. If the op takes a step back,as I think Cara was trying to say, then it will give him time to think about things and where he'd like it to go from here.

Sometimes people are green lights ready to go for something serious. Others carry emotional baggage, family problems, or commitment issues with them. I think the op's concerns are valid enough if things have faded out a bit during a time that is supposed to be so exciting and happy for them.

Op, I think maybe you should just say to him that you don't feel things are right at the moment and offer him time to have a think about things. Put a time frame in your own mind for this, and if he doesn't get in touch or talk to you about this, well I think it might be time to move on.

Glowla

Hi OP,

I really feel for you as I could have written that post a few weeks ago myself. I was seeing a guy for a decent amount of time and everything seemed to be going great, he was putting in lots of effort, making plans and talking into the future. However, things changed so suddenly (literally over a day or two) and I sensed things were not right in that contact slipped and he seemed aloof and I had been in similar circumstances before in the past. We had never had 'the chat' and so maybe we had began to coast along as such and it got to a point where I didn't know how he saw things and thought maybe he was trying to get his head around things so I backed off and gave him some space.

Contact ceased from then on, it turned out that I was initiating our conversations and we went a while without seeing eachother. In the end, my head was melted as I over-analysed the previous few months trying to figure out what had went so wrong putting myself at fault sometimes. My days were preoccupied with such thoughts and it was impacting on my outlook in general so I decided to contact him and ask him what stands....he got back to me and said he doesn't want to be tied down right now and couldn't bring himself to tell me in case I got hurt....needless to say by not knowing for so long what he was thinking hurt a hell of a lot more and by the time he told me this I was already in the acceptance stage of knowing things were over.

Sorry, a long-winded post but a lesson learnt is that you can drag it out till the end of time (particularly if you're afraid of hearing he doesn't want a relationship and would prefer to continue in blissful ignorance) but it will ground you down and it will still be the same outcome if the guy is not willing to step up.

I would ask him where he thinks its going, not in a nagging way just a matter of clarity as such and at least you will know because going by my story even if you think its going so great some guys will just continue seeing a girl with no intention of settling down. Trust me, you will feel better if you ask him...I've been in that situation before and its horrible...best to find out before you become too invested and you can look to the future with someone who is on the same relationship wavelength as you.

Hope it all works out for you....I was you two weeks ago, we have since went our separare ways because I found out when I called him up on his 'fading' but still on ok terms because we didn't let it run to the stage of resentment...there's a huge weight lifted from my shoulders. Look after yourself x