Dazed and confused

Clint212

Hi,

Any advice welcome on the following situation.

I had been going out with an absolutely wonderful woman for the past year, up until just after Christmas 2013. We had gone out together for just over a year, but we had been friends for four years previous. We had originally met through work and had developed a strong friendship very quickly. As I was quite a shy person at that time, and due to the fact that we had built a strong friendship, my feelings for her had become much stronger and I was afraid to ask her out, to destroy our friendship. It took me the bones of three years to get up enough courage to ask her, but then in the days before I would ask her, she told me that an event had happened her (which I don't want to go into here) which had basically torn her world apart. I then decided to hold back and support her through this very difficult time.

Fast forward two years, I was going out with someone else for a few months, but it fizzled out. The weekend it ended, my friend text me and asked me to come on a night out with her. Two weeks later we decided to get together. She introduced me to her parents about 2 months after we started dating, who , she said, really liked me. This was the case until they found out that I was born with a very very mild case of spina bifida. I am fully able bodied and it has never affect me in any aspect of my life. Her parents put serious pressure on her to break up with me, however she continued to see me without them knowing. Im 30 and she's in her mid twenties. Just after Christmas of this year she said the pressure of it all was getting to her. Add to that her friends telling her she had changed since we got together. We broke up at the beginning of January this year, and since then I have been so confused as to what to do. I could understand if I had been nasty to her or hurt her in any way but I didn't. She still is a very important part of my life and I would love to give things another go.

What do ye think?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

I think that it's great that you want to give things another go considering how she acted, but unfortunately that's not your decision right now. The fact of the matter is that this girl decided that she doesn't want to be with you anymore, and you make no mention of her changing her mind in your post, which would indicate that she hasn't changed her mind since January.

Rightly or wrongly, some people just are not able to deal with a person who has an illness or disorder, and rather than be objective about it, they assume the worst case scenario and need to walk away. And unfortunately is sounds like this girl's parent's are such people, and have forced their opinion upon their daughter. I'm also curious to know why her friends think she changed since you started seeing each other? I can only assume that having to hide the relationship from her parents was showing on the surface??

The reality is, the fact that you were born with spina bifida isn't going to change. And unfortunately the opinions of this girl and her parents may not change either. It's hard to tell from your post where you both stand with each other now, if the friendship is still intact, but while you may be able to win her round to give things another go, do you really want to have to live a life of constantly convincing her that you are healthy and okay, or her friends and parents? She hasn't come back to you to say that she's sorry and that she made a mistake, so do you really want to chase after her??

ElleEm

If she allows others to be that involved in her relationship, then she is not worth it. "My mammy says", "my friends say"... Either she wasn't brave enough to break up with you for her own reasons, or she isn't mature enough to be in a romantic adult relationship. You should try to break away and find someone who values you and is less influenced by others.

Clint212

Hi Mike_ie

Thanks for your reply. About a month after we broke up, I asked her out for dinner and she accepted. We went for a few drinks after and we spoke about where we both stood now. She said that even though she wanted to be just friends, we both new that we were both more than friends, and that we should just continue on being ourselves around each other.

I can understand people having reservations about people who have an illness or disorder as you say, and everyone is entitled to their opinion. The fact of the matter was they went about finding out about my condition from sources which were unreliable and came up with absolutely crazy facts. I went to my own doctor to find out the full truth about my condition and told her exactly what he had said to me. She was delighted when I told her what he had said, but her parents didn't want to know anything about it. This is the part that I find unreasonable, but at the same time I still respect them for who they are.

Her friends told her she had changed, ie. that she didn't want to go out every Saturday night with them as she had done previously. I have never or never would say to anyone that they cant do this or that, so it was totally her own choice to do that. I would go so far as to tell her to go out wither friends and have a good time.

Thanks again Mike_ie

Clint212

Hi ElleEm,

Thanks for your reply. I understand where youre coming from here and it would seem the obvious thing to do. It is just quite hard to get back up on the horse, for want of a better phrase, when I risked a really good friendship for this relationship.

LegacyUser

hi clint,

I was in a similar situation. I am HIV positive the last 10 years but in great health which is ironic.

I was friends with a woman for 2 years and she knew my condition, last year she wanted to see me as more than a friend, everything seemed to be going great, then one day she just said no. She was afraid of catching it and dying and said I would probably die soon too and all other "facts" she had read

That was it, unfortunately people finish with people for many different reasons, be it reasonable or not. Once they make that decision you just have to accept, unfortunately

we now dont speak, which is a pity as we were very close. such is life

LegacyUser

Clint212 wrote: »

Hi Mike_ie

her parents didn't want to know anything about it. This is the part that I find unreasonable, but at the same time I still respect them for who they are.

Her friends told her she had changed

1. I wouldn't respect someone with an opinion like that.

2. Seems like she is not ready to have an adult relationship if her parents have that type of infuence over her.

3. Everyone changes to some extent when they start seeing someone new. I've seen friends disappear for months, I stoppped heading out with certain friends as I was more content going out for dinner/cinema/whatever than a night out in a club getting wasted.

Clint212

Just a follow up on this thread, since my last post I have asked her to meet up and just talk things out so I can at least have some closure, she didn't want to meet up. Since then I have cut contact. Now to move on with my own life and hopefully find someone who will love me for who I am :-)

Merkin

Clint212 wrote: »

Just a follow up on this thread, since my last post I have asked her to meet up and just talk things out so I can at least have some closure, she didn't want to meet up. Since then I have cut contact. Now to move on with my own life and hopefully find someone who will love me for who I am :-)

You've done the right thing by cutting contact. Be strict with yourself and make sure you keep that distance. For someone who would defer to Mummy and Daddy (and indeed their gross ignorance) in their mid 20s like this does not bode well. This relationship would never flourish given these people's ill-informed prejudice and there is no point in trying to change their minds either.

Onwards and upwards.

imitation

Sounds like a bizzare thing for her parents to get wound up over, but people can be over protective. Its a pity she didnt make up her own mind, its easy to get led along when your young, only to regret choices others made for you.

maria34

Hey OP,

Theres plenty of nice girls in the sea. And im sure theres parents who dont care about your condition and just want their daughter to find a nice fella.
I know because my parents wouldnt care less. Altho i wouldnt ask their permission either.

She was immature. Really annoying too with her "my parents said" and " my friends said. Like she has no brain herself. Unattractive.