Relationship pressure

cotcat · 13-03-2014 8:07am #1

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 7 years and we recently moved in together (10 months ago). It was the first time i moved out it was a big change for both of us. I have been feeling a lot of pressure from people including my girlfriend regarding marriage and i cant shake this pressure. I'm not ready for it but I feel that every thing I do is being watched with expectation by everyone, her family are getting really pushy (jokingly) and are making really inappropriate comments about us and marriage and it creates an awful atmosphere which results in lots of fights! IT's to the point now where all i want to do it is hide away from it and I feel like i'm pulling away from my relationship. I'm afraid to do anything as I feel it being watched with judgement. What do i do?

strandroad · 13-03-2014 8:33am

cotcat wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 7 years and we recently moved in together (10 months ago). It was the first time i moved out it was a big change for both of us. I have been feeling a lot of pressure from people including my girlfriend regarding marriage and i cant shake this pressure. I'm not ready for it but I feel that every thing I do is being watched with expectation by everyone, her family are getting really pushy (jokingly) and are making really inappropriate comments about us and marriage and it creates an awful atmosphere which results in lots of fights! IT's to the point now where all i want to do it is hide away from it and I feel like i'm pulling away from my relationship. I'm afraid to do anything as I feel it being watched with judgement. What do i do?

It's been seven years though. Perhaps you should ask yourself what plans you have about her?

Merkin · 13-03-2014 8:57am

Why are you with her seven years if you don't actually see a future in it? If you've suddenly moved in, that is going to like a precursor to a proposal so why are you living with her if you have no intention of it going anywhere?

Emme · 13-03-2014 9:05am

cotcat wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 7 years and we recently moved in together (10 months ago). It was the first time i moved out it was a big change for both of us. I have been feeling a lot of pressure from people including my girlfriend regarding marriage and i cant shake this pressure. I'm not ready for it but I feel that every thing I do is being watched with expectation by everyone, her family are getting really pushy (jokingly) and are making really inappropriate comments about us and marriage and it creates an awful atmosphere which results in lots of fights! IT's to the point now where all i want to do it is hide away from it and I feel like i'm pulling away from my relationship. I'm afraid to do anything as I feel it being watched with judgement. What do i do?

You've been with your girlfriend for 7 years and you moved in together 10 months ago. If I knew a couple like this I would be very surprised that they didn't get engaged last Christmas (you'd have been living together 7 months then). Your girlfriend was probably expecting a proposal at Christmas. Have you two discussed marriage with her at any stage?

She may want to have children and if so she gave you 7 years of her life with the expectation that you might be the father of her children.

If you're not ready for marriage or commitment tell your girlfriend and don't waste any more of her time.

stargazer 68 · 13-03-2014 9:13am

Emme wrote: »

She may want to have children and if so she gave you 7 years of her life with the expectation that you might be the father of her children.

If you're not ready for marriage or commitment tell your girlfriend and don't waste any more of her time.

Op have you 2 sat down and discussed marriage and children ever? Think its time that conversation was had so you both know what the other one expects!

ongarboy · 13-03-2014 10:11am

Out of interest OP, what do you fear will be so different with marriage with this girl that you wouldn't have experienced in the 7 years of going with her? You already know her longer than most people who marry. Are you afraid you'll lose your "get out clause"? How would you feel if your girlfriend had the same feelings as you? Would you want to continue a relationship with her if you knew she didn't really want to commit to you long term in case there was something better out there? I'm guessing you wouldn't?

I do think you're right though that you're not ready for marriage. You seem to lack the ability to openly communicate difficult issues with your partner which I think should be a prerequisite for any serious relationship. You need to talk to her about your fears and concerns openly and honestly and check whether you are both on the same page. If you are not, then you need to make a decision about your futures. For women, there is an added element of a biological clock so bear in mind why they need to know if their partner is in for the long haul before they waste their finite opportunity.

Finally, please completely ignore and do not get upset by what anyone else around you says when they ask are you tying the knot. Would you tell others how to live their life? No? Then they are not entitled to tell you or question you as to how to live yours. Only you and your girlfriend have the right to jointly decide the future of your relationship.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2014 10:16am

cotcat wrote: »

I have been going out with my girlfriend for 7 years and we recently moved in together (10 months ago). It was the first time i moved out it was a big change for both of us. I have been feeling a lot of pressure from people including my girlfriend regarding marriage and i cant shake this pressure. I'm not ready for it but I feel that every thing I do is being watched with expectation by everyone, her family are getting really pushy (jokingly) and are making really inappropriate comments about us and marriage and it creates an awful atmosphere which results in lots of fights! IT's to the point now where all i want to do it is hide away from it and I feel like i'm pulling away from my relationship. I'm afraid to do anything as I feel it being watched with judgement. What do i do?

Seeing as you said "it was the first time I moved out" I'm guessing you are still quite young?

If so, I can understand your reluctance in taking such a massive step. You are only living together 10 months and as such have only 10 months experience in the whole living together/really getting to know everything about each other stage (despite the 7 years dating, you really get to know someone best/ determine compatibility by living with them imo).

Have you and your girlfriend ever discussed marriage, or have you ever alluded to the fact that you would someday get married? Do you even see yourself someday get married/is it something you value or want?

I think you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend and tell her how you are feeling. It's time to be honest and tell her that her and her family's comments are making you feel pressurised into something you are not ready for.

It is very important to be honest here, because if marriage is something that your girlfriend really wants, she needs to know where she stands so that she has the option of what she wants to do about your decision.

She may choose to leave you, she may choose that it isn't that important to her and stay, she might decide to wait until you are ready if you tell her that you definitely do want to marry her in the future when circumstances are right - but if you say this you need to ABSOLUTELY mean it because it would be completely unfair to string somebody along if in your heart of hearts you knew you didn't really want to marry this person someday.

I really find it hard to understand other people's expectations of if or when a couple should be getting married (or having children). The whole "oh you are together x amount of years, when is the big day?", or "obviously the girl is waiting for a proposal" thing just seems really intrusive and irritating to me. It's nobodies business to be passing comment on what another couple is doing with their lives. I also don't think that any person man or woman is perfectly justified in expecting that one day their relationship will turn into a proposal/marriage and/or children, if none of these things have ever been discussed.

I know it's seen as the 'norm' by many so they see such people's expectations as justifiable and understandable, but this is where I feel it is really important to talk about these things relatively early in the relationship. I think people who don't want marriage or kids should discuss it but I also think people who Do want these things should discuss it too and not just assume they will definitely happen because it's 'the norm'.

I'm with with boyfriend since 17 and we will be 10 years together in a few months time. No marriage, no kids. Both of us have no real interest in either of these things right now. We're both mature students atm. I don't feel I will ever want to get married because I just see no point or value in it in a spiritual sense, it is meaningless to me.(I realise it is very important to some people and there's nothing wrong with that either.) We have discussed the possibility that in my early 30's I might change my mind about kids and he says he's more than happy to have kids with me if that's what I ever want, he's actually great with kids. If I ever did have kids I would consider marriage solely because I heard it gives the father some better basic rights regarding children.

But so far we are very happy with our life living together the way things are. The amount of comments you get get of some people though can sometimes be infuriating. Some couple together only about 1 year thinking that although we are together 10 years are not as "serious" a couple as them just because they accidentally got pregnant and have a child together. Or several couples who got married way too young, constant breakups, fighting, even separations etc. trying to encourage us to get married to be like them "a family" - Ha, no thanks!
(I know there are happily married people too just find it annoying when people in wrecks of marriages try to get you to join their misery)

OP I'm mentioning my own story to illustrate that sometimes it seems many people just don't take you as a serious couple if not married, but if you are both happy then don't give a fcuk about what others or her family says.

Key word there is BOTH (happy). You need to really speak with your girlfriend soon to find out how she really feels/what she wants, and remember to always be completely honest here with her about what you want too and don't leave her under any false allusions or string her along.
Best of luck.

sadie06 · 13-03-2014 10:19am

OP doesn't say how old they are. Being together 7 years and now aged 23 is very different from being together 7 years now aged 32!

ladygirl · 13-03-2014 10:23am

I agree - your age plays more of a part here than how long you are together. Until we know what age you are then it is impossible to know how to give correct advice.

strobe · 13-03-2014 10:26am

What are your gf's feelings on marriage and or children?

Myself and the girlfriend both want neither, it doesn't mean either of us don't see a future with the other, bit we knew each others feelings on the matter within the first year together.

If this is the first time you've moved out of your family home I'm presuming you're younger than we are and by the length of your relationship, you two got together when you were quite young? So it's natural enough that you wouldn't have had that discussion in the first year or two as the possibility would have seemes the distant future. But after seven years together this is something the two of you should know with a fairly big degree of certainty by now.

You say you're not ready? Is it the case that you don't want marriage or children now but are sure you will in the future? How long in the future roughly do you think? If that's the case are you certain your gf is the girl you want to marry? Are you certain she's the girl you want to be the mother of your children if you two do want children? Is it the case that you don't know if you'll ever want marriage and or children?
Is it the case that you are sure you'll never want children and or marriage? If that's the case, is that just in terms of with your gf or with anyone?

After seven years you really need to ask yourself and answer all these questions as best you can and have your gf do the same to see if you are on the same page at all.

If your gf feels the same as you, that she's not ready for marriage and or kids, then ask her to tell her family to cut out the joking about marriage and stuff as neither of you appreciate it.

If it turns out your and her thoughts on where the relationship goes from here, and when, are diametrically opposed then you've got a couple of serious conversations to have together.

You've got to find out if the two of you are on the same page in relation to all this stuff, then move forward from there. Its ok if one or both of you just don't know the answer to some or all of those questions but you have to let the other one know you don't know of that's the case so you are moving forward with the relationship with both of you with your eyes open to the realities.

Tasden · 13-03-2014 10:46am

Merkin wrote: »

Why are you with her seven years if you don't actually see a future in it? If you've suddenly moved in, that is going to like a precursor to a proposal so why are you living with her if you have no intention of it going anywhere?

Not seeing a marriage in the future (or near future at least) does not equate to not seeing a future together as an item. Not intending to get married does not mean he has no intention of it going anywhere either. People can feel that its too early for marriage even if they do see the relationship lasting. Some people don't see any point in marriage at all. Sure even the stress of a wedding can put people off, not even anything to do with marriage itself. OP why is it that you don't feel ready for marriage?

If you're feeling pressure from your girlfriend re marriage then you do need to decide if its something you do want in the future, not necessarily now but eventually, because obviously she does and if you don't see it happening then you need to decide together if the relationship has a future with both of you wanting different things.

If its just a case of feeling its too soon- all relationships are different and you've only been living together a short while, I don't think I'd see any need to rush into marriage either tbh- then you need to discuss this with her and assure her that it is your intention eventually but that you feel the pressure for it to happen soon is a bit too much and that you want things to remain as they are for now.

I find the whole idea surrounding a set time-frame or expectation of marriage to be a bit strange sometimes. If ye are happy in your relationship overall I don't see why people view not proposing or not wanting marriage as such a red flag or as a commitment issue. You moved in with the girl, I think that indicates that you plan to remain in the relationship, so people questioning your commitment to her and the relationship based on your lack of desire to sign some paper is a bit baffling.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2014 10:50am

Merkin wrote: »

Why are you with her seven years if you don't actually see a future in it? If you've suddenly moved in, that is going to like a precursor to a proposal so why are you living with her if you have no intention of it going anywhere?

No future? Not 'going anywhere'? Don't have to get married to see yourself having a future together. Can be completely happy as you are without the need to go somewhere else as in getting married.

Emme:She may want to have children and if so she gave you 7 years of her life with the expectation that you might be the father of her children.

If so it might have been an idea to mention this earlier instead of waiting 7 years and just assuming things. They both should have spoke.

These are the types of comments from others I was on about OP. You may need to get used to them if you and your girlfriend decide to stay together without marriage. Don't let that put you off though if you both decide that as a couple you are not yet ready for or don't ever want marriage.

cotcat · 13-03-2014 11:10am

I have just turned 28 and she has just turned 27. We have been through alot together prob more than some couples go through in there lives but I cant give details other than to say health issues that lasted a few years and were very tough. We seem to have only gotten on our feet the last year financially and otherwise and thought we'd have time to live a little, do the things we'd put on hold, have the things you think about having when you've a good job one day. And now we could be back to worrying about financial stability. We have talked and I do see a very solid future with her, she's great, very supportive and loving and I do want a family one day with her. Her family marryed very young and so feel its a pre-requisit for us. Aslo, I have seen the other side of a happy marriage for many years and it has made be hesitant, I think I think things over too much too and put alot of pressure on myself. regarding the expectation of the perfect proposal, marriage day me as a husband and father. I don't feel that I can live up to the expectations on me sometimes.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2014 11:19am

cotcat wrote: »

I have just turned 28 and she has just turned 27. We have been through alot together prob more than some couples go through in there lives but I cant give details other than to say health issues that lasted a few years and were very tough. We seem to have only gotten on our feet the last year financially and otherwise and thought we'd have time to live a little, do the things we'd put on hold, have the things you think about having when you've a good job one day. And now we could be back to worrying about financial stability. We have talked and I do see a very solid future with her, she's great, very supportive and loving and I do want a family one day with her. Her family marryed very young and so feel its a pre-requisit for us. Aslo, I have seen the other side of a happy marriage for many years and it has made be hesitant, I think I think things over too much too and put alot of pressure on myself. regarding the expectation of the perfect proposal, marriage day me as a husband and father. I don't feel that I can live up to the expectations on me sometimes.

Tell your girlfriend exactly what you just wrote here, to me it is a very good explanation and I suggest you ask her family to please keep their comments to themselves or ask if she would prefer to say it to them.

Snatchy · 13-03-2014 12:29pm

Agree entirely with the last poseter. Your explanation has (or at least SHOULD) mute everyone elses responses in this thread. Perfectly rational and reasonable and you should definitely say it just live you've said it here, to your girlfriend. Good luck

Chucky the tree · 13-03-2014 12:32pm

In situations like this I think a big problem isn't getting married, it's the big event of getting married. Chances are her family don't really give a **** if you get married, they just want to enjoy all the trappings of a big wedding. Don't allow yourself to get pressured into it.

CaraMay · 13-03-2014 12:35pm

You need to talk to her ASAP and tell her what you can reasonably offer her in her future. It's not fair to keep all of this from her. She may decide she can't wait for you to provide her with the future she wants.

LegacyUser · 13-03-2014 1:05pm

Chucky the tree wrote: »

In situations like this I think a big problem isn't getting married, it's the big event of getting married. Chances are her family don't really give a **** if you get married, they just want to enjoy all the trappings of a big wedding. Don't allow yourself to get pressured into it.

+ 1 Often times when people start pushing couples to marry it's actually a wedding they are pushing for and that can be quite off putting for many people. When I told my family and the OH's family we'd get married but it would be in registrars office with just a meal in a nice restaurant after as neither of us cared about the whole 'wedding' event, after telling them that they all shut up pushing for us to get married. My now husbands family did give him a little grief as they assumed they whole thing was my idea and I was just doing it to annoy them (why I would do that still confuses me) because 'what girl doesn't dream of her big wedding day?' He told them it was most definitely a mutual choice and they let it drop.

DukeOfTheSharp · 15-03-2014 1:54pm

Seeing a future with her and wanting a family doesn't necessarily mean you have to get married. I mean, I never plan to get married, or have children, because of my health not being fantastic. I'd expect anyone to understand that, but people seem shocked when I say it. You shouldn't feel pressured into marriage, that's what leads to divorce. Your insecurities in your financial situation, as well as your belief that you won't be able to be a husband worthy of your girlfriend, are things you should be talking to her about. If you both feel that the pressure of marriage is too much, then don't get married. Just live together, have your future the way you want it and tell everyone else where to go. It's a fallacy that you need to get married to have a happy family. Just do whatever makes you feel right, and if your girlfriend is as supportive as you believe, she won't have a problem with it. Of course, there will be compromises, that's understandable, but it shouldn't be a big ask.

Hannibal Smith · 16-03-2014 11:35am

It never stops op...you meet someone they ask when you'll get engaged. .then its when will you set a date. ..then its when will you have a baby and then its when will you give the baby a brother/sister and god help you if you have more than one kid of a kind because you'll be told to keep going till you even it out.

Relax. ..enjoy your relationship and block out all the noise. ..it is never ending and some can't help but poke their nose in

bee06 · 16-03-2014 2:35pm

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

It never stops op...you meet someone they ask when you'll get engaged. .then its when will you set a date. ..then its when will you have a baby and then its when will you give the baby a brother/sister and god help you if you have more than one kid of a kind because you'll be told to keep going till you even it out.

Relax. ..enjoy your relationship and block out all the noise. ..it is never ending and some can't help but poke their nose in

Totally agree, as long as you and your girlfriend are on the same page about your future then that's all that matters. However if she is expecting a proposal soon which you're not really for the that's something ye need to discuss and get out in the open.

Big Bag of Chips · 16-03-2014 2:54pm

Hannibal Smith wrote: »

.... god help you if you have more than one kid of a kind because you'll be told to keep going till you even it out.

And if you have 1 of each, you'll be told "That's grand, you can stop now".

Everyone has an opinion. The only thing that matters is that you and your gf are happy with what is going on in your lives.

If SHE wants to get married, and you think you should wait a while, then you both sit down and discuss it. What her family want or think is largely irrelevant, as others mentioned, they're just looking for a party!

There are 2 people in your relationship, and they are the only 2 people who get to decide when you get married, start a family, buy a house etc.

That won't stop everyone else "offering advice" though!

Relationship pressure

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