Really sad at the thought of leaving home

LegacyUser

Hi.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe some advise on how not to feel so sad would be a great help.

Basically I'm 24 years of age and I've always lived at home with my family. Recently my boyfriend and I decided to move in together. We found a nice place close to our work and close to town and it's nice and I was really happy about it and about living together.

However in the last few days I've just got really sad about leaving home. Every time I think of it I start to cry and feel really upset. I know that I can't stay at home forever, but the thought of leaving make me so sad. I guess I'll just miss being around my family all the time. Not having the easy acess to hang out with my sister, or being able to chat with my mam over dinner. It feels like I'm losing them or something.

Is this just a normal feeling that will pass, or am I just not ready to move out yet? I know nobod can really tell me if I'm ready or not, and I think if I left now or in a year I'd still feel as sad, but its just hard knowing if I'm doing the right thing if I'm getting so upset over it.

Holsten

Yes its normal, especially if you have not lived away for any amount of time.

Life is always changing, you will go through bigger and more drastic changes throughout your life and you just have to deal with it.

It should be a very happy and exciting time for you as it's a natural progression.

Good luck with the move!

LegacyUser

It is entirely normal, don't worry. I had to do at 18 to go to college and I was very nervous/ upset. My advice is for you both to have time with your families, you can go home for dinner one evening a week and you can go on a Sunday if it suits everyone. I know a couple who own a house and they both go home to their parents for the night on a Friday. Their parents are widowed, but they like to just go home. It works for them, and everyone is happy. there is no need to sever ties completely or suddenly.

Everyone is different. My OH feels weird staying in his parents for two nights a year at Christmas while I love going home and staying there. It never feels weird, just lovely and normal. I should add we are both in our 30s. I live hours away from my parents, so I always stay when I visit. Just do what feels right. My friend (married and owns a home) always stays with her parents the weekend close to her birthday.

Remember, your home and family are still there. If you are feeling a bit sad, go and visit them.

ongarboy

I think many or most people instinctively fear change. What you're feeling is quite natural. Yes, you probably will feel homesick or unsettled for a little while but you will gradually adapt and look back and wonder what the fuss was. Just treat it like starting a new job, new school, new course etc with the added benefit of having your boyfriend there for you.

Focus on all the great perks - you're now going to be living with the guy you love (I hopefully presume you do) and get to have him to yourself for far more time then you would living apart. You will have relative independence (eg paying bills in your own name, rent, household considerations that your parents previously had), you'll be able to decide how the furniture will be arranged, when meals will be made, when the washing up can be done (or not!:)), who to invite or have over, parties, privacy, duvet days without having to explain why you're still in bed at 1pm or hiding a hangover - all the things you could not necessarily take for granted living with your family.

You didn't mention if you will be moving far away so there is no reason why you can't pop over to the family for Sunday dinner or a mid week meal, coffee or odd sleep over - it' will make those meetings more fun as they will be a treat element to them. Think of the new move as a new adventure.

ManOfMystery

I had the same feeling when packing up my stuff to leave home and move to a new job in a different city (when I was about 20), knowing that I probably wouldn't be back home permanently again as I'd end up with my own place or sharing. I remember with great clarity throwing the last thing into the car on a Sunday evening, and taking a few mins to look at the house I grew up in and feeling very sentimental about it all.

16yrs on and as I thought, I never moved back home at any point but I do see my parents fairly often and love staying up for a few nights so the sentimentality was probably a little dramatic - but what can I say, it the first big life change that a lot of adolescents/young adults go through so at the time it seems like a big thing.

What you're feeling is totally normal. Don't be sad however - I'm sure you can pop back home anytime to see your mum or sister. Moving out doesn't mean you have to stop spending time with them. And whilst you feel you may be 'losing' one thing, you're gaining another in that you're embarking on a totally new experience with your boyfriend. As good as it is living at home, it's also exciting getting your own place (just as your parents did all them years ago) and making it your own. Focus on the positives

K_P

This is completely normal. Happened to me when I was 18 and leaving for college. Once I found my college accommodation it suddently hit me that I was moving, even though I wasn't moving in for another month or so. I was homesick before I even left home! Once you actually move you might find that you're so busy with the move and being with your boyfriend that it's not half as bad as you expected.

iusedtoknow

completely normal. I fully left home at 22 and even now, 8 years later I sometimes pang to be sat around the kitchen table with my parents on a Sunday morning with the newspapers and a seemingly unending supply of tea. However it simply isn't possible anymore, they are currently off in Australia enjoying a well earned RTW trip, and I am in San Francisco. I look forward to my yearly visits just for that Sunday morning feeling.

However, you need to also look forward to your new life with your bf, creating a new home with him. Your parents will still welcome you home whenever you want to go. I would recommend however to spend some time getting used to being away from your parents place and enjoy creating your new place. A friend of mine still lives in Cork. His wife spends more time at her childhood home than she does at her own home.

LegacyUser

At 24 years of age you should want to leave home and to move on with your own life.
The reason your sad is that you lack the maturity to move on with your own life.
Yes it is easier and cheaper to live at home but long term you have to move on with your own life.

Does your boyfriend have any idea how immature you really are?
If you tell him you want to stay at home he will tell you it is over.

Once you move in with your boyfriend I would not be ringing your mother to much or start calling over to her house every day. From the time you move in ask your family and friends to ring you before calling to your new home.
When you move in together as a couple it is important that neither families are always calling around. I would also remember that your mother does not need to know about every aspect of both your lives.

I would say to your boyfriend that you want to set up a joint account in both names that you will pay your rent and bills from. You both need to put in x amount a week or month once you get paid into this account. Also remember that you need to put extra money into this from now to pay for heating next winter or to cover the higher bills you will have in winter.

Also with living in your own home you can make your own decisions re what your can do or where you can go without having your parents involved.
Go shopping as a couple for new things for your house and don't have you mother to involved in this. Remember that your boyfriend wanted to move in with you not your mother and the rest of the family.

Paddy Cow

What you are feeling op is completely normal and it shows that you have a loving, healthy relationship with your family. I would be more worried if you were desperate to leave and didn't feel sad at all. From my own experiences, I moved out when I was 18 to go to college. I missed my family and friends and looked forward to going home at weekends, which I did up until Christmas. After that it made more sense for me financially to stay in Galway, as I had a job that wanted me to work weekends. The first weekend was the hardest. I was working late and all I could think about that Saturday night was what I would normally be doing at home. It was hard but I got through it and each weekend after that was easier. Now I don't even think about it and Galway has become "home", something I thought would never happen.

It sounds like you will be living closer to your family, which will help. Do you have any younger siblings who will want to take "your room"? This is often a bone of contention because it can feel like you are being erased, even before you have left. It happened to me and both my younger sisters but we got over it.

Moving out is a big deal as to some extent, you are cutting emotional ties with your parents. You no longer have the security of coming home to a stable environment with a familiar routine. Trust me, it does get better. You will be moving from having a child-parent relationship with your parents to having and adult-adult relationship with them. Keep up communication with your family. There is nothing wrong with talking to your mother everyday. As someone else said, it might be a good idea to go around to your parent's house one night a week for dinner.

Think of it like an adventure. You are off on a new journey and will discover things about yourself that you never knew. You will also see your partner in a new light and this might present a few teething issues. Communication and compromise is the way to go.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I think lady 2013's comments are quite extreme. Just because you're 24 doesn't mean you have to be of a certain maturity. Life experiences makes us who we are. I think it's perfectly normal to be sad that you are leaving home. In a way, it means you are truly being a responsible independent adult. Being an independent adult is tough, particularly for people in their mid 20s out there, where the job market doesn't tend to work in our favour experience wise.

Luckily, you have a boyfriend to support you in your decisions and new life experiences, which makes the transition easier. There's nothing to stop you popping down a couple of times a week to have a chat or dinner. Regardless of how independent we feel we need to be, there's nothing wrong with needing emotional support from your parents. There's nothing wrong with that.

Merkin

Aww don't worry. Leaving home is a very normal right of passage for any young person, you're just coming to it a lot later than most people so you're probably a bit more lodged in the nest than most!

I went to boarding school at thirteen years of age, two hundred miles from home, and I remember I nearly died with homesickness for the first couple of weeks. It soon passes though and just because you don't live with your parents, you can still maintain a very close and loving relationship with them, I certainly do.

It's normal to feel some pangs of upset but you're undertaking a perfectly normal move and when you're loved up with your boyfriend and making your new place homely etc then the feelings will soon pass.

K_P

lady 2013 wrote: »

At 24 years of age you should want to leave home and to move on with your own life.
The reason your sad is that you lack the maturity to move on with your own life.
Yes it is easier and cheaper to live at home but long term you have to move on with your own life.

Does your boyfriend have any idea how immature you really are?
If you tell him you want to stay at home he will tell you it is over.

Not trying to be rude here, but this is utter nonsense. It's great that you're moving in with your boyfriend OP. But feeling a little sad and nostalgic about leaving home for the first time is completely normal. If anything, it's a sign that you're lucky enough to have come from a loving and happy home. You also have the maturity to be in an adult grown-up committed relationship at the age of 24. I know plenty of people 10 years older who haven't managed that yet!

Stavro Mueller

For your own good it's better to be moving out at this stage. Making the break with home can be very tough, especially if you're close to your family and something of a homebird. You're right when you say you'd feel equally as sad if you did it next year. I don't think there's always a "ready" to move out time in a person's life. Maybe you've become too comfortable at home for your own good?

Allow yourself to feel sad about moving out -you'd be surprised at how many adults living away from home still feel an attachment to their old bedrooms. Home will always have a special place in most people's hearts and there's nothing wrong with that. What's in your favour is that a certain amount of your everyday life will still be same old same old. You'll still be going into the familiar surroundings of work every day. I assume you're living reasonably near home so you'll still be able to see your friends and socialise in the same places. Moving out doesn't mean you've completely shut the door on your old life.

I don't know what I can add to the advice of the others to make you feel less sad. It is going to be tough for a few days but you will be fine at the end of it all. Perhaps you should banish ideas like "I'm not ready to move out" from your mind and be pragmatic about this. Look at the advantages. You'll get to see your boyfriend a lot more and hopefully enjoy living with him. You'll get to do whatever you want without having to consider your parents. You'll be able to cook what you want when you want etc.

Legs.Eleven

K_P wrote: »

Not trying to be rude here, but this is utter nonsense. It's great that you're moving in with your boyfriend OP. But feeling a little sad and nostalgic about leaving home for the first time is completely normal. If anything, it's a sign that you're lucky enough to have come from a loving and happy home. You also have the maturity to be in an adult grown-up committed relationship at the age of 24. I know plenty of people 10 years older who haven't managed that yet!

This. You love your family and love being with them and I can totally empathise as I'm the same and miss them terribly (I'm not living in Ireland though).

Don't worry, OP. You can visit them as often as you like and they'll always be your family. That's the beauty of family: you're always linked and they'll always be the closest people to you and will always care about you and love you. You're not losing them. In fact, you might even find yourself getting closer to them with that bit of space between you as I found.


Good luck, OP. You'll be fine and I think you're going to love your independence.

Daffodil.d

Hi. From your post it appears that you are extremely close to your family. I was you 12 years ago so I totally get how you're feeling.
Moving out will not change tha,t it will enhance it. You'll establish you're own post with your own colour scheme and they'll all call so often you'll actually be surprised.
Your family home will become the matriarchal base and you'll spend most of nous time there chatting with the gang but you'll eventually establish your own realm.
It's not about maturity or anything like that it's completely normal and a sign that you've had a lovely home. Get yourself distracted with the dulux colour book and ask your gang for opinions.
Enjoy having your own space. It'll feel weird in the beginning but you'll love it. Set up a few projects.
I now have two kids and this is completely my home and my old bedroom which I loved doesn't seem the same to me anymore, but not in a bad way. In a moving forward way.best of luck

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

It's the original poster here. Thanks for all your messages. It makes me feel better knowing that a lot of people have felt like I have. I thought I was strange or the only one. Nobody ever mentions the harder sides of moving out.

I'll try to focus on the positives. I am really looking forward to moving in with my boyfriend who I do love very much. I guess it's just the change and the finality that's scaring me. However you're all right in that our closeness doesn't have to change just cause I move out. And I'll definitely take the going home at least once a week for dinner advice on board. I was planning on doing that anyway.

I told my boyfriend when we started looking for places that I was feeling slightly sad about leaving home, even though I wanted to live with him, and he was very supportive and understanding and said that he felt the same way when he originally moved out. So at least I have his support as well. We got a place and will be moving in there next week. So I'll try to banish the sadness and focus on the excitement.

Thanks for all the help again, I feel a bit better.