Friend won't move on

LegacyUser

I'm in my last semester of college and between trying to finish up my final year project and training for two different clubs, I'm wrecked. I don't have the patience anymore for trivial matters and to be honest one of old mates from school falls into this category. Now, don't get me wrong he's a sound lad most of the time but he's really testing me of late. And it's not just me - all of my friends back home feel the same way.

He graduated last year, moved back home and got a part-time job to tide him over. I think other than that he has a good bit of time on his hands so maybe the problem lies there. I don't mind talking to him but it's the fact that he's been banging on about the same girl for the past six years now that's grating on me. If he had gone out with her and they had broken up I would understand his need to talk about her...but they never did. This girl moved into our school in 5th year and 6th year, we were in a few of her classes and instantly he was hooked. I've know him since playschool and I had never seen him show as much interest in any girl ever. It was two years of him saying to us, will I talk to her? Will I go over? Will I ask her to the debs? Yes, we would say go on. But nope, he never made any move. I think he might have spoken two words to her in the two years we were there. Yep, that's about it.

We all went to different colleges and thought he would move on. I thought he did for awhile, but in first year on our Christmas break he spent the entire New Years Eve searching around for her. I should mention he's always gotten a good amount of female attention but for some reason he's put this girl (who he actually doesn't know the first thing about) on a pedestal, never to be knocked down. He had a girlfriend for awhile in second year (actually kind of looked like her), but then at the end of third year the girl he liked from school got into a relationship and he broke up with his gf and ever since has gone on and on and on about her. Worse than ever before. I swear he's seen her in person about three times since school, that's all.

We all meet up of a Saturday, after training for a couple of pints and you can be guaranteed he'll wear the ear off of one of us about her. He's draining at this stage of the game. I can't believe I've even spent time writing this up but anyway how can I tell him to move on without insulting him? We said it to him as a group a few times before but it never seemed to register with him. He'll stop for awhile and then he'll start all over again but I think maybe if I say it to him by myself he'll get the point. Advise? Thanks.

ManOfMystery

My god, that sounds exhausting. Not to mention obsessive. I'd worry about someone like that being a borderline stalker.

I think some tough love is called for, he needs to be told flat out that you guys are sick of hearing about a fantasy relationship in his head which never really happened and that he's wasting his life away pining after some girl who he doesn't really know at all. He needs to shut up and move on.

December2012

Be blunt. Just tell him you don't care about it, he has talked about the same thing for years and done nothing.

And walk away from the conversation if it comes up again.

macplato

Set a boundary, OP, that's all you can do. You can't make him move on, clearly he is getting something out of pining for this girl. By dragging you and your mates into his fantasy, he gets the sense that the drama is real, which is quite sad really. If you stop paying attention to his stories, you will actually do him a great service.

Tell him, gently, that you are no longer available to listen about this girl, tell him why (it's futile, he never acts on your advice, hearing the same thing over and over again is exhausting, etc), and tell him what you're going to do if he starts talking about her again - and then do that. If you tell him you will walk away, make sure to get up and walk away, every time - that will learn him

Holsten

Tell him very bluntly to shut up about her, you don't want to listen to that crap anymore.

He seems to be obsessed with this women which is not healthy at all, for him and potentially for her.

Tell him to cop on to himself.

Katgurl

good GOD, i have a friend who drives me mad obsessing over every detail after she has a flirtation / snog / date with a guy but what you're describing there sounds completely demented. what could he even be saying about her? I mean, he knows nothing about her, he can't dwell on details of their interactions because there have been none.

LIsten, you need to tell him straight to cop the f**K on. depending on how you think he'll take it, maybe tell him as a group.

freshpopcorn

You just have to be blunt with him. You can just say get over her/what ever you want to call her man.
I had a similar experience and this worked for me. She is mentioned the odd time now but in more of jokenly wy.