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Long Distance Relationships and Kids

  • 12-03-2014 1:55pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    Hi I am in a long distance relationship and she has a 17 year old son. I have met her son a few times and her family.
    The problem is that we are planning to get married and live together.
    The orginal plan was for her son to come with us but now the son is staying in his country to finish his education and then plans to move here with us.
    I dont want this, as i feel it will cause too much heartache ... i am willing to move to her country for a year or two and get a contract job and then come back here with herself and her son.
    But she wants to leave son in her country and to come here to me

    Am i unreasonable or what as my head fried with this


Comments

  • #2
    Tokyo
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,656 ✭✭✭✭Tokyo


    OP, I'm not really sure why you are taking issue with this, or why you think that it will "cause too much heartache".

    Her original plan was for her and her son to move in with you. Now her plan is to move on her own and her son will follow after he's finished his education. How is this an inconvenience to you? Or how does it cause you any problem at all??

    Your partner has decided what is good for her - sticking to her plans and moving in with you and marrying you. Her son has decided to complete his education in his home country, which I understand seeing that he must be in his final year, or close to. So unless you can give me some good reason why this is such a problem then yes, you are being quite unreasonable in my opinion.


  • #3
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I dont have kids but if i did i know if i left them to move to another country and could only communicate with them via skype i would feel rotten ... I know when i was with her and i had to come home i felt sad .... and that sadness be nothing compared to the sadness to leaving one child behind while i go to another country.

    As i said i am willing to move to her country for a year or two and get contract work there and then when her son finishes his education to come back home.

    I just dont want her to miss her son or her son to miss her ... its different if she moved to another city where she could get a bus/train and visit him but the distance is over 3500 miles and if she misses him she can hardly go to him.


  • #4
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    I understand you think it might cause his mother heartache and make her unhappy living with you but he's 17, we are not talking about a 10 year old child. Her son is 17 he will be finishing school within the next year or so and then heading to college why would he want to move to another country at this stage of his life. If the plan is for you both to live with you in the end it seems silly to move to her country for such a short time and then you both move to your home. The son might opt to go to college near you and it would suit to move over with you and his mother then but he's of an age were he can make choices for himself and I'm sure him and his mum have discussed this and both are happy with what they've decided and you should respect that. Certainly ask to sit down with both of them (either in person or via skype) as your going to be a family and make sure everyone is happy but I think your making a mountain out of a mole hill here.


  • #5
    maria34
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 339 ✭✭maria34


    Can it be that she wants to move to ireland because its better place to live? Is she working? Whats her financial situation?

    Cant imagine to leave your child at this age myself but people are different.


  • #6
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    maria34 wrote: »
    Can it be that she wants to move to ireland because its better place to live? Is she working? Whats her financial situation?

    Cant imagine to leave your child at this age myself but people are different.

    Yes Ireland is a better place to work if you can find a job in the current environment, her financial position in her country is stable.

    The child is 17 so not quite young but still i couldnt leave my child behind if i decided to move to another country even for a year or two


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  • #7
    iusedtoknow
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,698 ✭✭✭iusedtoknow


    I really don't see what there is to be fried about. I assuming that the son has family backup (grandparents etc) or is in boarding school or something which allows his mother to do this calmly. TBH this is probably less disruptive than you moving there - even though he's nearly an adult, it would be a huge thing for you to move there AND complete his final exams etc.

    I think this is the best of both worlds tbh, as it means that you can get married and not disrupt any lives (yours or soon to be step-sons). The last year of school is important, as it signals the end or moving on of many friendships as well as finish up education.

    If the mother is ok with this, and this is what the son wants, i think you need to accept it and move on with this new phase of your life. They're probably used to this dynamic, and I think you ought to accept it.


  • #8
    Riskymove
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,900 ✭✭✭✭Riskymove


    mike_ie wrote: »
    OP, I'm not really sure why you are taking issue with this, or why you think that it will "cause too much heartache".

    Her original plan was for her and her son to move in with you. Now her plan is to move on her own and her son will follow after he's finished his education. How is this an inconvenience to you? Or how does it cause you any problem at all??

    .

    perhaps you are being a bit unfair there?

    My reading is that he is concerned that his wife would suffer heartache at being seperated from her son for the next couple of years


  • #9
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭LegacyUser


    hweracdcked wrote: »
    I just dont want her to miss her son or her son to miss her ... its different if she moved to another city where she could get a bus/train and visit him but the distance is over 3500 miles and if she misses him she can hardly go to him.

    OP I moved out of home at 17 to go to college in the states so not a distance were you could just jump on a bus and go home. Yes I missed my parents and family and they missed me but we talked on the phone once a week and my mum came to visit me and I went home at holidays. At least her son will be staying somewhere familiar with I assume family and friends around to support. Do talk to both of them but I think you have to accept they understand the choice for her to move and him to stay and the impact that will have. Yes it will be difficult as it would be for any parent but again he's 17 not 10.


  • #10
    thefeatheredcat
    Closed Accounts Posts: 1,282 ✭✭✭thefeatheredcat


    I think talking to both your partner and her son that they are happy with the arrangement would reassure you and help you feel less worried/concerned about it. I would see the alternative as being your suggestion of contract work, which may or may not work out for all I would know, and lead to the 3 of you becoming 1 really being left behind in worse circumstances or leading to a rocky start to the marriage with uncertainty on work or having to divide the family unit in only you moving back for some work a while here and them following at some other time.

    Having open communication with your partner is essential.... both ways. If it does happen that they miss eachother or something happens, then the distance can bring them closer together and let eachother appreciate eachother more and maybe even strengthen the relationship between mother and son. I would see the time as an opportunity for her son to gain some independence with the security of perhaps friends and other family members and to take on the responsibilities of an adult like paying bills for example or not having a parent on hand to leave that sort of stuff up to, or to bail them out instantly.

    Are you worried that your partner is going to be worried after their son, unnecessarily? The best approach is probably in your partner feeling that they can talk about missing them and perhaps plan trips back over the couple of years so they both have something to look forward to.


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