Girlfriend cries after sex.

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

I have a problem that has been really bothering me over the past month and I would appreciate some outside perspective on it.

I got together with my girlfriend back in December. I honestly had never met another person like her, she was just so funny and laid back, very intelligent too and very attractive to boot. It was strange because I had never felt the need to be in a relationship with someone but with her it was completely different.

It was two months before we had sex and after the first time, she cried. I asked her was she okay and she was adamant that she was fine. I did worry at this stage because I thought I had done something wrong but she wouldn't talk to me so I just said nothing more to her. The next day she was in high spirits again and back to joking around.

That was three weeks ago and she's cried every other time since. Even afterwards she pushes me away when I attempt to comfort her by giving her a hug. Sometimes she gets her things and leaves saying that she's not feeling well.

But every time I see her the next day she'll be herself again. I don't want people to think I'm pushing her into anything, I'm not. She's always up for whatever we're doing and completely fine during it but afterwards it's like she completely shuts down and won't even look at me.

She won't open up to me and I can't force her talk. It upsets me because I know that she's upset. On the surface she seems absolutely fine but she's not at all. I do really like her and I would have hoped that at this stage she would be comfortable enough to open up to me, I've known her since September and we've spent a lot of time together in that space of time but she just cuts me off.

On Sunday, she initiated it but I said that I couldn't do anything with her because I didn't want to see her become upset again. She looked really hurt and it broke my heart to do it but I thought maybe she would talk to me and let me understand but she left and I haven't heard from her since.

I have noticed small things, I know she has scars on her thighs I saw them before, I presume they're self-harm scars - maybe not, I don't know. I was flicking through a book on her beside table when she was in the kitchen last week too and the college councillor's appointment card fell out.

She's very kind, her friend's would all go to her for help or when they're in trouble but she doesn't seem to confide in them at all. Her best friend said that to me once too (when she had a few drinks on her). But I don't think any of them realise that she is maybe down over something because she puts up such a convincing front. I wouldn't have suspected anything when I knew her first. Even now sometimes she acts so cheery that she'll convince me everything's alright but I know it's not.

What do I do? I can't talk to my mates because I don't want this to get back to her and it's her private business. I don't know what to do. She's 20 and I'm 21 btw, both in college.

Talk to her, when you're not in an intimate situation. Over coffee on neutral territory maybe. Tell her you care about her and want to help, but you can't help if you don't know what the problem is. Tell her you don't want to feel like the cause of her upset, and that you want to work with her to get past it and make it all a happier experience for her. Then make sure you tell her that no matter what she tells you, you will not like her less. And mean it.

After that it's up to her to decide if she wants to talk or not. Don't pressure her because if its something traumatic she may not be ready and that is only her call.

You seem very caring and nice and I hope it all works out. It's sad to think of her suffering through something alone like that, but it's her choice to talk when she's ready when or if ever that is.

P. Breathnach

Clearly you suspect that she has a profound problem. I gather it is some sort of negative emotion that she is experiencing, because I suppose that you would not be concerned if it was clearly linked with the emotionality of sex itself.

Should she open up and discuss it with you? I don't know. That depends on a number of factors. One of those factors is how much you love one another. You are both at an age where you might consider yourselves to be in love, but where the prospect of its being an enduring relationship might not yet have come on to the agenda. If that's the page you are on, give her space. Let her be guided by her own feelings in deciding if and when she talks to you about such things.

If you start to believe that she is a person to whom you would commit in the long term, then her issues will need to be addressed. Not necessarily with you, but probably with your interest being acknowledged as relevant - maybe in as simple a way as her telling you that she is getting professional help.

Possibly the best thing you can do for now is accept her as she is. What happened on Sunday makes it clear that it is still a no-go area. It also looks as if when you don't go there, she can cope. It's not a great situation (especially for her) but trying to force the pace would probably make it worse.

macplato

It's not as rare as you'd think, OP. Sex is a source of great physical and emotional release, and for some people crying is a common occurrence. The tears or even sobbing are not signs of being upset, they are more cathartic in nature, and to many people this kind of release feels very satisfying.

Your girlfriend is still very young and she probably doesn't understand what exactly is going on. She can't explain to you what she doesn't understand herself. The fact that she is all cheerful the next day suggests that she is just one of those people who cry after sex, and all you can do is to trust her that she is not upset, and get used to it.

Talk to her OP. Ask her how she is feeling when she is crying after sex, don't just assume that tears = upset. Ask her if she needs anything from you when she is crying, and don't take it personally if she doesn't want to be comforted by you. After all, why would she want to be comforted if she is not upset? Some people want space after sex, other people want cuddles and emotional intimacy - she might be the former.

As to her scars and counseling appointment card - why don't you gently ask her about these too? Be prepared that she might not want to talk to you about these things yet, as you don't know each other very well, and she is still learning to trust you. Don't put pressure on her, just tell her that it's ok if she doesn't want to talk now, and that she should feel free to talk to you about anything when she feels ready - she will appreciate that.

ceannbui

Don't take her lack of opening up to you personally. Whatever happened to her was obviously traumatic. You've only known her a 7 months (Sept. right?). Do you think she should open up to you when you think it's the right time or when she thinks it's the right time?

If you really like/love her and it's the only blip in an otherwise great relationship then just be there for her the day after. She's probably going through a painful healing process with you and needs you to be there but can't communicate it to you without opening a can of worms she isn't ready to deal with.
oust i then do it

Stench Blossoms

It might not be a traumatic thing at all. It might just be a release of endorphins that make her cry.

Ask her about it over coffee as someone else suggested. Don't ask her when it happens.

Tokyo

Your girlfriend is obviously going through something very personal and emotional, and for whatever reason it's coming to the surface during sex. Having said that though, as much as you want to be able to fix the problem for her, only she can do that, and by the sounds of things she is taking positive steps towards this if she is seeing a counsellor, as the appointment card would seem to indicate.

Your part in this is to be supportive, assuming that you want to continue a relationship with her. You have no idea what is making her feel like this, but either way, it's a BIG deal to her if she feels this way all the time. Stop trying to drag information out of her as to what the problem is, but do let her know that you are there for her, and if she ever does need to talk, then you are there to listen, and that regardless of what the problem is, it won't change how you feel about her. I understand your reluctance at having sex with her when she initiated it in that you didn't want her to be upset again, but I can also see how she might have felt hurt by that comment, especially if she's trying to take steps to get past this. Again, this comes back to the not prying, but letting her know that you are there with her to get past whatever she's dealing with.

Addle

mike_ie wrote: »

Your girlfriend is obviously going through something very personal and emotional, and for whatever reason it's coming to the surface during sex.

Not necessarily. It used to happen to me.
I had no issues. It was just a release. I couldn't control it at all.
Freaked my oh out. It stopped after a while.

Addle

Addle wrote: »

Not necessarily. It used to happen to me.
I had no issues. It was just a release. I couldn't control it at all.
Freaked my oh out. It stopped after a while.

I think it's her behaviour after it happens that suggests it might be more than being overwhelmed by endorphins or emotion. She becomes withdrawn and uncommunicative, pushes the OP away, sometimes even leaving after making an excuse.

It might not be anything traumatic, but I think he should tread carefully as it seems quite probable.

Addle

Maybe she's just embarrassed.
Maybe they're both making a bigger deal out of it than needs be.
Maybe it is a sign of something more serious.

Perhaps OP discuss it more about how you'd like to spend the whole night together rather than why are you crying. And go from there.

Legs.Eleven

Addle wrote: »

Not necessarily. It used to happen to me.
I had no issues. It was just a release. I couldn't control it at all.
Freaked my oh out. It stopped after a while.

Me too. Nothing was wrong at all but it was like a come down from drugs after I came and I was overwhelmed. Didn't openly cry but he was knew I was upset and I had to reassure him. Very strange. It's passed since though.


It's called La Petitie Mort in French.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/La_petite_mort

Then again, it could be more serious. As others have said, approach it outside of the bed in a neutral environment. Don't take it personally though, OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

Just in relation to the link Legs.Eleven put up, I never knew anything about that tbh. It could be the reason, but I've a hunch that there's something more to it. She can't even look at me afterwards.

I do think the coffee suggestion is a good idea but she won't text me back.

Ham Sambo

Relax man, this has happened to me a few times too, there is nothing wrong with your gf, actually most guys would be chuffed if they made their girlfriend cry after sex!! but seriously you have nothing to worry about. keep doing what you are doing.

ivytwine

alex_m wrote: »

Thanks everyone, appreciate the replies.

Just in relation to the link Legs.Eleven put up, I never knew anything about that tbh. It could be the reason, but I've a hunch that there's something more to it. She can't even look at me afterwards.

I do think the coffee suggestion is a good idea but she won't text me back.

I think text isn't going to do this, you're going to need to call her or write her a long email or - if you have a romantic streak- a letter.

Just tell her you like her and want to talk, and if she wants to talk you're here to listen.

I think there is something deeper than mere endorphins here- not speaking to you or looking at you, the scars on her thighs, it sounds that this girl is suffering from some kind of trauma.

I hope she responds to you, you seem like a lovely guy.

Tasden

I think I would try to bring it up as casually as possible if she tends to leave when you've tried discussing it previously. She obviously doesn't want to talk about it so making a huge deal about it is doing exactly what she has been trying to avoid by leaving whenever it has happened before.

I remember reading something before that if you ever want to discuss serious things with a man but know that they will be defensive if you sit them down for a chat then you could try bringing it up casually while doing something like folding clothes in the same room as him or whatever, it just seems less "we need to talk" and more like the thought just occurred to you and there's less pressure to go deep into it. I can't find the link but it made sense, something my mam always did with me too, just while we were doing dinner she'd bring up stuff so that there was no pressure/eye contact/interrogation style, just easy going and we can focus our attention on the cooking if one of us feels embarrassed.
So maybe its worth taking that approach if you feel that its an embarrassment issue.

I'd be more inclined to just say something along the lines of "listen I know you don't really want to talk about it but I care about your feelings so I'd like to talk. I know that for some girls its natural to cry after sex for no reason but if that's not the case here and you're actually upset afterwards then I'd like to do the right thing to help you when it does happen, so when you're ready to talk I'm ready" or something like that- obviously you need to word it correctly and actually think through how you want to say it. Then leave it at that til she comes to you.

I wouldn't worry too much about her not getting in contact yet she's probably just nervous as she knows that it will be an issue. She's probably hoping if she leaves it then she can text you in a few days being light and breezy again. So I'd let that happen and not pressure her about talking and then when she's comfortable again just mention that you want to talk about it when she's ready.

I wouldn't bring up the counselling tbh, that's pretty personal and she may feel awkward about you finding out before she was ready to tell you. It could be for any reason at all that she was there so I wouldn't put two and two together.

EMTFlynn

I could be wrong here, but to me, it sounds like she may have being sexually abused at some point in her life. Might explain the self harming.

Maybe she has sex to try and be normal and over come her fear, but afterwards it all comes back again and she shuts down and wants to be alone.

She probably doesn't trust you enough yet to tell you, she's afraid of people knowing and would rather talk to a councillor about it because it's one to one and confidential.

Just give her time.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks again for all the advice everyone.

She text me yesterday evening asking to meet up tonight (whether that's a good thing or bad thing, I don't know). I took ivytwine's advice and wrote her a letter, although I might not need to give it to her and Tasden the casual approach to broaching the subject seems like a good idea if she's not comfortable with sitting down and talking to me face to face. I'm not going to make her discuss anything she doesn't want to discuss, I'm not expecting her to tell me everything.

LegacyUser

alex_m wrote: »

That was three weeks ago and she's cried every other time since. Even afterwards she pushes me away when I attempt to comfort her by giving her a hug. Sometimes she gets her things and leaves saying that she's not feeling well.
...
She won't open up to me and I can't force her talk. It upsets me because I know that she's upset. On the surface she seems absolutely fine but she's not at all.
...
I have noticed small things, I know she has scars on her thighs I saw them before, I presume they're self-harm scars - maybe not, I don't know. I was flicking through a book on her beside table when she was in the kitchen last week too and the college councillor's appointment card fell out.

OP, as somebody who had to go through the aftermaths of sexual and emotional abuse in childhood I can confirm that I cried several times after consensual sex. Don't take it personal and don't force her to open up. Let it happen and accept what is going on for her. This will help her to accept her own emotions. It is a release from pain and also caused by strength-sapping fights against flashbacks and not to drift off and she is very vulnerable at this stage. I would say that she trusts you a lot. Just stay with her in these situations and give her time. It will change when her body and mind get the information again and again that nothing terrible happens to her when having sex with you. Most important in my opinion is that you don't judge her and please don't press her to talk about it.

ivytwine

alex_m wrote: »

OP here, thanks again for all the advice everyone.

She text me yesterday evening asking to meet up tonight (whether that's a good thing or bad thing, I don't know). I took ivytwine's advice and wrote her a letter, although I might not need to give it to her and Tasden the casual approach to broaching the subject seems like a good idea if she's not comfortable with sitting down and talking to me face to face. I'm not going to make her discuss anything she doesn't want to discuss, I'm not expecting her to tell me everything.

Good luck OP, as the above poster says don't pressurise her, but I think you are handling this very well. I hope it goes well for you, you seem like a really great guy and she's lucky to have a kind and decent man in her life.

kiffer

Ham Sambo wrote: »

Relax man, this has happened to me a few times too, there is nothing wrong with your gf, actually most guys would be chuffed if they made their girlfriend cry after sex!! but seriously you have nothing to worry about. keep doing what you are doing.

Chuffed!?!?!

Anyway there's so many things this could be...
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postcoital_tristesse
prior trauma... all kinds of issues...
Just misplaced guilt. "Good girls don't like that kind of thing" I believe is what the nuns had told one of my exGFs... she laughed at that but it sticks in the back of ones mind, I'm sure.

I hope for her sake that it's just a hormone rush thing.

LegacyUser

She broke up with me, gutted tbh. She didn't really go into detail on much (which was fine) but she did touch on the fact that she's seeing a counsellor to work through some issues she has. Still going to remain friends though which is all good, hopefully she will get better.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone, appreciated it all.

alex_m

alex_m wrote: »

She broke up with me, gutted tbh. She didn't really go into detail on much (which was fine) but she did touch on the fact that she's seeing a counsellor to work through some issues she has. Still going to remain friends though which is all good, hopefully she will get better.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone, appreciated it all.

Ah sorry.

You did your best and you're a nice guy, that's the main thing.

borabora

Really sorry to hear that. It sounds like you were very good to and for her, even if she's not ready for it yet. Be her friend, it seems like she needs a friend.

ivytwine

alex_m wrote: »

She broke up with me, gutted tbh. She didn't really go into detail on much (which was fine) but she did touch on the fact that she's seeing a counsellor to work through some issues she has. Still going to remain friends though which is all good, hopefully she will get better.

Thanks again for all the advice everyone, appreciated it all.

Sorry to hear that OP, it really does sound like one of those genuine 'it's not you, it's me' cases. I don't think this girl is ready to date for whatever reason and unfortunately you were the guy that got the brunt of it.

Do try to be there for her but don't put your own life on hold either. Take care of yourself too *sending you both a virtual hug, I think ye both need one*

December2012

Aw that's a shame, my sympathies to both of you. It really sounds like she's going through some serious stuff right now.