How to get over it?

StripedBoxers

Hi,

A few years ago I found out I have two half siblings from my dad's side of the family. I am my mothers only child.

I spent years building a relationship with my half siblings and last year my sister turned around and decided she didn't know how to cope with having a sister (we'd known each other only a few years) and lately its been playing on my mind a lot, so this morning I had a look at her Twitter and saw that she'd booked some stuff for her wedding, it made my heart sink a little, knowing she's my sister, but doesn't want a relationship with me, and that I won't be a part of her wedding. I don't mean play a part, but even in the planning, be a guest etc. It's incredibly painful. I don't mean that to be selfish, its absolutely her decision and I would never, ever hold it against her, its not her fault how she feels etc.

I grew up as an only child and was over the moon when I found out about my siblings and got to know them and build a relationship with them and stuff, and it hurts like hell knowing I'll probably never have a relationship with my only sister ever again.

It's like a physical pain in my chest when I think of it. It hurts so much.

I'd really appreciate any advice, tips etc on how to get over it because it is making me so utterly depressed when I think of them and how things have changed and any time I think of it I just want to cry.

Thanks.

Merkin

I remember your previous threads on this. I know you must feel incredibly hurt but she has made it very clear that she doesn't want a relationship with you and you have to respect her decision in that regard. Who knows, if you give her the space she has asked for then she may, in time, decide that she does want to get to know you better.

For now, I would hide her on Twitter and Facebook etc as having a look through her posts, however well intentioned, is only going to exacerbate the pain you feel. I'd also avoid asking mutual acquaintances or anyone else for snippets of news, any updates will just make you feel all the more distant.

StripedBoxers

I don't have any previous threads on this issue, so you must be confusing me with another person. I've never posted about issues with my sister, until I started this thread.

Thanks for your reply, I don't ask anyone for information, she's not on my Facebook and I don't check her Twitter that often.

Merkin

My apologies, your circumstances are identical to someone else who has posted here before so sorry about that.

That's good if you're not keeping an eye on her through social networks etc, it just makes extricating yourself from someone that little bit more difficult.

December2012

I wonder is part of it that she already has a sibling, and you bring an only child, don't.

And for that reason you may have placed more importance on the relationship than she did? Also shock, disbelief and guilt (if there was infidelity involved) may play a part.

Like any break up you have to just accept her wish that she does not want you in her life right now. Or at least she does not want you to the level you would like her to want you.

Maybe a parent or relative is on her ear - and she does know and love them longer than she knows you.

If you are still in touch with the other siblings then it is hard. Having said that, you must remember that family dynamics are difficult sometimes with adult children not speaking to each other.

Don't take it personally OP.

StripedBoxers

December2012 wrote: »

And for that reason you may have placed more importance on the relationship than she did? Also shock, disbelief and guilt (if there was infidelity involved) may play a part.

Infidelity didn't play a part, thankfully. My dad has mentioned before that she was used to being an only daughter and when I came on the scene (she was an adult) and she felt threatened and she told me herself not long ago that she had decided she 'couldn't cope' with having a sister.

December2012 wrote: »

Maybe a parent or relative is on her ear - and she does know and love them longer than she knows you.

I would imagine this is part of it, her mother can't stand me, that's a fact and she caused hell with my siblings on a number of occasions over me visiting them, my dad etc.

December2012 wrote: »

If you are still in touch with the other siblings then it is hard. Having said that, you must remember that family dynamics are difficult sometimes with adult children not speaking to each other.

I am in contact with my brother, who is caught in the middle. He has my sister in one ear, dad in the other and his mother and my dad's family too. I haven't said anything to him, there's no need for me to be on his case either.

My dad told me tonight that his entire family, my siblings etc are all going to visit him for a week next month. I will be the only member of his family who won't be there, this is the third time this has happened.

No one has ever thought to even extend the invitation, I mean, I couldn't afford to go anyway, but it would be nice to be invited, but its always at the last minute dad tells me they're all off to see him, and that's it.

I must point out, that I don't have a relationship with my dad's parents/family, I've met them twice, and no contact since I last saw them.

I know my sisters in-laws dislike the idea of a broke home and as I came from one, I can only imagine what they may have said about me to her fiancé and he would have told her what they says/said.

I'm starting to regret ever having gotten involved with them all to be honest. I'm beginning to wish I hadn't. And it pains me greatly to say that. It really, really hurts.

It's hard not to take it personally, petty and selfish as that may seem.

LegacyUser

Had to respond to you.
Something slightly different but very similar is going on for me at the mo. It must be the most painful thing I've ever gone through in my whole life. Its hurtful when someone distances themselves like that. Ive felt used worthless hurt etc.
I'm still finding it extremely hard.
Sometimes, in life, there are no choices. If someone doesn't want you in your life there isn't a thing you can do about it.
Hopefully as time passes things will get easier. I know you feel like you wish you never got involved but as you start to feel better you'll be so happy with yourself that you gave it a shot. I think it says a lot about the person you are that you wanted to be involved.
It is such a shame that she finds it difficult having a sister. I feel for her too. Broken families can bring pain to all involved.
Carry on with your life, like she has. Look after yourself but always remain hopeful. That's all you can do really. People change all the time. She may change her mind.