Very long distance relationship - am i crazy?

hester360

hi all,

recently i met someone on online, we met through a chat site and after about a half hour on it, she wanted to add me on skype, i've known her about 3 weeks now which i know isn't long, but we seem to have a spark, something wonderful, when we see each other (usually at night time cause of the time difference) I just become so happy , i get this feeling that i don't get with any of my close friends whom i've known for years and would tell anything to (or anyone at all for that matter), at first i saw us a just friends but now i want to get to know her better and take it further, Im almost finished my first year of college and i've been planning to go on a J1 visa when i finish 2nd year, coincidentally where i plan to go is where she lives, i feel that when i finish my degree i'd be able to pack up and leave everything behind to be with her, i just want to know do you think Im foolish/crazy? what's your thoughts on the matter?

beks101

hester360 wrote: »

what's your thoughts on the matter?

I think you're young and smitten

And I don't mean that in a patronizing way, we've all been there! But three weeks is absolutely no time and the Atlantic ocean between you and her is quite expansive, particularly as your relationship so far has consisted of a bit of banter on a banter-y site and a few late-night skype chats.

I think you need to walk before you run first here. Why don't you float the idea of paying her a visit in a year or so, see how she reacts?

hester360

thanks for the reply,

i get what your saying! yeah im not going to dive straight in 3 weeks is nothing but as for the atlantic, the economy is in the toilet, we have a ****ty jobs market and the way things are in general atm i couldn't see myself living here anyway, emmigration was always going to be on the cards since i started college, besides I've always wanted to travel and see the world.

last weekend we talked a little about where we see ourselves, she's staying put, she will be going to college near to where she is living.

as for meating her i planned to anyway regardless of a relationship, and even if i never met her i'd still be on the J1.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

not to be cruel, but I picked out the salient points of your post below....

hester360 wrote: »

recently i met someone on online....

....i've known her about 3 weeks now which i know isn't long....

....now i want to get to know her better and take it further....

....i feel that when i finish my degree i'd be able to pack up and leave everything behind to be with her

You are skipping an AWFUL lot of the usual relationship steps there, regardless of the long distance aspect of the situation. Not to mention the inherent difficulties that goes with anything long distance. And planning for three years down the line after a few weeks is by any stretch, jumping the gun.

I'm not suggesting that you run in the opposite direction, but like any relationship, be it a friendship or something more, it has to happen at a reasonable pace - forcing it in your head only adds problems into the mix, trust me. And there has to be a gettign to know each other period - and that takes longer than three weeks. For now, you have skype - use it as best you can to get to know a bit more about each other first, and give the initial gloss a chance to wear off too. It's exciting now, but there will be problems to contend with - bad internet connections, time zone differences, real life for both of you has to take precedence, etc etc.

hester360

not at all, you honesty is appreciated,

yeah the time difference is already proving a hassle.

yeah i guess im taking huge steps rather than day by day.

it's just sometimes you'd hate to think that something so good might not be going anywhere

Tokyo

hester360 wrote: »

it's just sometimes you'd hate to think that something so good might not be going anywhere

If it's something so good, it will go somewhere at its own pace so there's no point in pushing it along faster. If it's not going anywhere, then you need to examine the relationship itself to see if it's as good as you think it is. That's the point....

hester360

i guess i just needed a reality check! thanks guys/gals

Novella

Hi OP. I actually met my boyfriend online and he lives on the west coast of America so probably similar to what you're dealing with - eight hour time difference, costly to see each other etc. We met in person for a few days when we had been talking online everyday for a number of months. I had a holiday planned to the US anyway and he came to meet me. I don't think either of us had any real expectations of 'us' going anywhere but about a few days after meeting in person, we decided to give it a try.

We've been in a relationship for a year now and in that time, I have made four trips (some quite lengthy) to America to see him and will be traveling there again next month. He is returning to Ireland with me for three weeks and it will be his first time. Americans do not get as much annual leave as we do!!

I'll pick out what struck me about your posts.

hester360 wrote: »

i've known her about 3 weeks now

Three weeks is absolutely nothing! It is so easy to have a spark with practically anyone for three weeks! It's all jokes and laughing. I don't think after three weeks you're at the point where you can really judge how well you'd get on with someone long-term. My advice here would be to chill out! Skype, get to know each other, enjoy it!

hester360 wrote: »

i feel that when i finish my degree i'd be able to pack up and leave everything behind to be with her, i just want to know do you think Im foolish/crazy? what's your thoughts on the matter?

I don't think you're foolish or crazy. Read what you're saying though: you have known a girl for three weeks and you are thinking, oh I'll move to the US to be with her! Deep down do you just think it would be exciting or fun to get out of Ireland for a while? Do you partially see her as an easy escape route? If not, then I think your thoughts at this early stage are a little premature and intense. If you met a girl in a night club for example, would you seriously be thinking, a few weeks later, about moving in together? Unlikely.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to pursue a relationship with this girl and if you think you truly like her, don't let the distance put you off because I would say that it is do-able but don't just see her as idyllic future. It doesn't work like that.

hester360 wrote: »

i get what your saying! yeah im not going to dive straight in 3 weeks is nothing but as for the atlantic, the economy is in the toilet, we have a ****ty jobs market and the way things are in general atm i couldn't see myself living here anyway, emmigration was always going to be on the cards since i started college, besides I've always wanted to travel and see the world.

This is exactly what I'm saying. You see this country as having no (or poor) job opportunities and have always wanted to immigrate or travel. I think, for those reasons, you are getting carried away by the fact that you are now in contact with a girl who is in another location.

She is not your ticket out of Ireland. I am hoping to relocate to the US in the next few months and let me tell you - it is anything but easy!

Overall my advice would be not to think so far into the future about a person you barely even know. If you want to, get to know her for who she is and not for where she is or where she can get you. It is nice that you would move so far away from home if it came down to it but the grass is always greener! Job prospects are not that fantastic on their side of the pond and life is still life no matter where you are so you want to make sure that you're with the right person for the right reasons.

iusedtoknow

I'll add to the echo here

take baby steps. 3 weeks is nothing. Long distance relationships also progress a lot lot slower than "normal" relationships. I was in one for over a year before I made the move to Spain, and that was with visiting as much as we could and talking/texting/skyping whenever we could (we were both studying).

You also have an added difficulty of eventually making "the move". The US is a difficult place to get into legally - a lot of paperwork and a lot of restrictions on fiancé visas etc. This is very much not a ticket out of Ireland, it could be - but best to view it as a relationship to get off the ground slowly than anything else

Take it slow, get to know her, and don't jump to any conclusions