I develop crushes all the time. Help!

dazey

I develop crushes all of the time. Like I become slightly madly infatuated. None of these actually come to anything. I have had ongoing issues with my parents, them not giving me enough affection and stuff. As a result I think I look for it elsewhere. I'm not too confident in myself. I kind of know none of the people I fancy would go near me. Any time anyone has I've been overwhelmed by it and predict when it is going to end. Always thinking the worst. I can't seem to see what I have to offer when I am with someone and get so worried that they will leave and eventually they do.

These crushes get in the way of daily things like work or a club i go to on weekends (trying to avoid specifics here). It's like I put all my hopes into an unrealistic prospect. I once made the mistake of sharing my crush with some workmates and I know they were all laughing at me, meanwhile the guy had no idea I was interested and wasn't too keen on me

LegacyUser

Although I have no real advice, I just want to say you're not alone in this. This happened to me all the time. I felt like I'm looking for affection elsewhere too. For a few days I would (and sometimes still do) become totally infatuated to the point where I feel like the crushee could potentially be the one, but then after sleeping on it or after a few days, the feelings are worn.

A lot of stuff happened to me so I don't know how I basically stopped this happening, but I'm sure somebody else may be able to help with that. One thing I will say though is that a year ago when I hit my lowest, I felt like nobody loved me at all. Since I came back from that I can see people do and it barely happens to me anymore. I now have proper crushes where I like the person for a longer time, and don't become so totally infatuated (although I do kind of miss that), and I enjoy it more. Maybe a counsellor could help you work through any issues you may have.

LegacyUser

dazey wrote: »

I develop crushes all of the time. Like I become slightly madly infatuated. None of these actually come to anything. I have had ongoing issues with my parents, them not giving me enough affection and stuff. As a result I think I look for it elsewhere. I'm not too confident in myself. I kind of know none of the people I fancy would go near me. Any time anyone has I've been overwhelmed by it and predict when it is going to end. Always thinking the worst. I can't seem to see what I have to offer when I am with someone and get so worried that they will leave and eventually they do.

"Many psychoanalysts think that lovesickness is a form of regression, that in longing for intense closeness, we are like infants craving our mother's embrace. This is why we are most at risk when we are lonely and isolated- it is not uncommon to fall in love during the first term of university, for example. But are these feelings really love?

These crushes get in the way of daily things like work or a club i go to on weekends (trying to avoid specifics here). It's like I put all my hopes into an unrealistic prospect. I once made the mistake of sharing my crush with some workmates and I know they were all laughing at me, meanwhile the guy had no idea I was interested and wasn't too keen on me

'I sometimes say - but not entirely seriously - that infatuation is the exciting bit at the beginning; real love is the boring bit that comes later,' the poet Wendy Cope once told me. 'People who are lovesick put off testing their fantasies against reality.' But given the anguish that lovesickness can cause - the loss of mental freedom, the dissatisfaction with one's self, and the awful ache - why do some of us put off facing reality for so long? Often it's because facing reality means accepting loneliness. And while loneliness can be useful - motivating us to meet someone new, for example - a fear of loneliness can work like a trap, ensnaring us in heartsick feelings for a very long time.' Psychonalyst Stephen Grosz (The Examined Life)

No wonder you feel intimidated when your crushes respond you've created an idealistic image of them that would be destroyed if you find out what they are really like. Your fantasies are keeping you from real relationships, from your friends at the club and your plans at the weekend. You have to invest in the real relationships that you have and force yourself to reserve judgement on anybody you like until you have spoken to them at length and know who they really are. Also your workmates don't need to know about your romantic thoughts and feelings, it's none of their business.

jellyboy

Hi op

Instead of looking at this as a problem or an issue or growing it to be bigger than it should be ..

Maybe you heart and mind are saying "this is what i would like a partner to be in terms of looks/style etc"

Are you getting ready to have a relationship in your heart?

Don't see it as a bad thing,try to see it in the positive if possible ..
Co workers are co workers and will always gossip and joke,try to put in place boundaries,maybe keep the crush inside and share with a friend

if you feel that its all linked into together with childhood ,maybe counseling or cbt may help?

i hope this helps

Rainbow Kitty

dazey wrote: »

I develop crushes all of the time. Like I become slightly madly infatuated. None of these actually come to anything. I have had ongoing issues with my parents, them not giving me enough affection and stuff. As a result I think I look for it elsewhere. I'm not too confident in myself. I kind of know none of the people I fancy would go near me. Any time anyone has I've been overwhelmed by it and predict when it is going to end. Always thinking the worst. I can't seem to see what I have to offer when I am with someone and get so worried that they will leave and eventually they do.

These crushes get in the way of daily things like work or a club i go to on weekends (trying to avoid specifics here). It's like I put all my hopes into an unrealistic prospect. I once made the mistake of sharing my crush with some workmates and I know they were all laughing at me, meanwhile the guy had no idea I was interested and wasn't too keen on me

Hi OP, i could have written this entire piece. I am exactly the same, i get crushes all the time. There was a guy i work with, and i told him i had a crush on him, he took it well and it seemed like a good idea at the time to tell him but when i look back now i see it for what it was, just a crush, the feelings went after a while but at the time i couldn't stop thinking about him, i thought he was the one and only. Just wanted to let you know you're not the only one