Dealing with a Depressed partner

Pinkmoon19

Hi,

I know I have already posted in this forum so I hope this is ok. My OH is very depressed at the moment and I was hoping that people who are suffering with depression could give me some advice about how to deal with him?

To cut a long story short he has an injury in his shoulder which has caused him a lot of pain for about the last year. As a result of this he hasn't been working for about 8 months now.

Recently his panic attacks are getting quite bad and simple chores seem to be becoming a problem, for example mis-placing things, forgetting to do something etc.

I am now really struggling to cope with it all. We live together and I am supporting us financially. It's becoming increasingly more difficult to come home and remain upbeat and try and cheer him up. I've tried suggesting walks in the evening etc.

What I am really looking for is some advice. What is the best way to deal with someone who is suffering with depression? Can I do anything to make it better?

Gremlinertia

wolfen wrote: »

Hi,

I know I have already posted in this forum so I hope this is ok. My OH is very depressed at the moment and I was hoping that people who are suffering with depression could give me some advice about how to deal with him?

To cut a long story short he has an injury in his shoulder which has caused him a lot of pain for about the last year. As a result of this he hasn't been working for about 8 months now.

Recently his panic attacks are getting quite bad and simple chores seem to be becoming a problem, for example mis-placing things, forgetting to do something etc.

I am now really struggling to cope with it all. We live together and I am supporting us financially. It's becoming increasingly more difficult to come home and remain upbeat and try and cheer him up. I've tried suggesting walks in the evening etc.

What I am really looking for is some advice. What is the best way to deal with someone who is suffering with depression? Can I do anything to make it better?

Difficult situation indeed.. First off, has he spoken to his gp about this?. Living with someone suffering from it needs patience, the fact that you are also breadwinner is pressure (for him too) He may feel ashamed to talk to you, this is why i'd push for him to go to gp..

Let me know how this goes and i'll try help if i can.

Pinkmoon19

Hi Grenlinertia, Yes he has spoken to his GP and he has started seeing a Counselor, he's had 2 sessions so far. He does talk a lot to me about his feelings etc but it's almost like he's analyzing every little twinge or pain and then winding himself up so much about it then he ends up in a total panic. I hope that makes sense?

Gremlinertia

wolfen wrote: »

Hi Grenlinertia, Yes he has spoken to his GP and he has started seeing a Counselor, he's had 2 sessions so far. He does talk a lot to me about his feelings etc but it's almost like he's analyzing every little twinge or pain and then winding himself up so much about it then he ends up in a total panic. I hope that makes sense?

Oh that does indeed, personally i'm convinced i'm having a heart attack quite frequently It's great that he talks and has started counselling, seems like you are doing the right things.. It can be hard to have patience, one thing that you might be overlooking is you though, do you have an outlet, be it a friend to rant to or a class to occupy you for an evening?

I know you want to be there for him, but that doesn't work so well when you have exhausted yourself..

Pinkmoon19

to be honest I don't really have an outlet, like I'll tell my friends and my sister certain things but I don't want them to worry so I tend to skim over the details, or not really tell them how bad it's gotten. They already feel that I am doing too much. My family and close friends are starting to get angry with him that he isn't working, it's been 8 months since his last job. I'm kind of caught between a rock and a hard place. We have recently started discussing him going back to work but his panic seems to have gotten worse since then.

Pawwed Rig

Try this link for information

http://www.aware.ie/help/information/supporting-others/

There is also support droups for relatives of those with mental health problems. He has to help himself which he sounds like he is doing. Medication can often make a huge difference and may be prescribed by his therapist is time.

Gremlinertia

I think people can overlook their own health and well-being. Maybe this thread will be the outlet you need to discuss the situation, or maybe you need to designate some me time for yourself, even simple things like going for a manicure or a long bath.. If the counsellor thinks his stress is an issue he can suggest he returns to the doctor to try a medical route (possibly). It is a pity that your friends/family has run out of patience, however it is a pretty common reaction after a period of time unfortunately, try not to let it effect you too much..

Mark Tapley

I was proscribed an antidepressant that also helps with anxiety.I was avoiding going out and was barely able to function. The pills helped a lot and made it possible rejoin the world. It is difficult to explain to people what is like and the fact that people think you are useless only confirms what you think about yourself. Your boyfriend's situation is aggravated by a physical problem as well.

You are good to stick with him but I think the person has to sort it out for themselves with either medication or counseling. You being there is added incentive for him to actively try to get better. As others have said you need to look after yourself as well or you will also end up ill. Good luck with everything.

Pinkmoon19

Thanks everyone for your comments and your advice. It's all very much appreciated. He is using an antidepressant at the moment @mark tapley and it has helped him before.
The thing is that before this all happened we were living abroad and I had some savings that have helped to float us, but they are almost gone now. I don't want to put pressure on him to go back to work if he doesn't feel ready, I would feel so guilty if the anxiety got worse with the added stress of work etc. However physically he has been given the all clear to return to work by his specialist, this is in term of his shoulder injury.

The dilemna I am faced with is that I can't really cope financially anymore so the way I see it is we have 2 options. A) Return to work, continue with counselling and anti-d's. He would have to move back to his parents so that I could take in someone to rent the spare room.

Is this too much of a decision for someone coping with depression? Is it fair for me to put him in this position where he has to make a decision? I've never suffered with depression myself, this is my first time to really deal with someone suffering so I just don't know how I should be handling this.

Gremlinertia

As frightened as he is, he should probably try work, can he set up a meeting with them?. Also he can get medications which can help with the anxiety, on the short term at least.

Pinkmoon19

Gremlinertia wrote: »

As frightened as he is, he should probably try work, can he set up a meeting with them?. Also he can get medications which can help with the anxiety, on the short term at least.

He doesn't have any current employers so going back to work would be starting something new, interviews etc.

I guess what I am wondering is, Is it unfair for me to expect someone suffering from depression to go back to work? Or would it beneficial to be doing something useful and to conquer the fear of starting something new?

Or would it be better for his health to move to a place where he doesn't have to go back to work or to contribute to a household, i.e. his parents house.

Gremlinertia

That's down to him i guess. Don't be afraid to bring it up in conversation though, it's a reality unfortunately so must be faced. Thing is, despite how 'switched off' depression can make people (i include myself in that) the world keeps going on.. Leaving this conversation to the last minute could end up in arguments. My fingers are crossed that this resolves itself for you two.

Mark Tapley

There are many different levels of depression some more debilitating than others. Does he go out or socialise? If he finds it difficult to leave the house then job hunting would be a nightmare. If the anti depressants aren't helping much he could try another type. Sometimes you have to try a few to get it right.
You couldnt rent out the spare room with him still there? I just think moving back to his parents could be depressing in itself. I realise that needs must and you have to find a financial solution. You shouldn't feel guilty if that is what you need to do.

Pinkmoon19

@Mark Tapley. Yes he regularly goes out and socializes. He would meet a couple of friends during the week while I'm at work for coffee and then would meet his friends at least once over the weekend, sometimes for football and sometimes for a night out. We would fairly regularly have friends over for dinner or drinks as well.

Our apartment is pretty small so it really does only fit 2 people. I completely understand thought that it would be depressing to have to move home, I'm trying to take that into my consideration as well.

We're going to talk it all through tonight. I will definitely suggest trying a different type of anti-d.

Does anyone have any tips for how to overcome anxiety attacks. If he is having one is there anything I can do to help him through it?

Apalaxe

Hi Wolfen, i would like to suggest that you try to research and understand as much as you can about clinical depression and that armed with that knowledge try to understand what your oh is feeling or experiencing.

If you can do that you should be able to think by yourself of the best way to deal with and improve both the individuals and relationship current situation.

Best wishes.

thomas anderson.

I used to get pretty down, not sure if I was depressed or just sad.

But anyway what I did was I started running (on my OH's suggestion), lots of running. Now I havent really been down for about 2 years, can handle social situations much better and looking to do my second marathon.

It really did turn things around.

The One Doctor

Hi OP,

I know exactly where you're coming from and I hope the counselling helps him soon. Do you have children? Being in that situation is difficult without children, but with children it's nearly impossible. Does he know the real situation with regards to the finances?if not, you need to tell him. I understand his situation, but his burden is rapidly becoming your burden as well. People often don't appreciate the strain that the affected person's partner is under.

I'll give you a real life example. My dad has had schizophrenia for many years - since well before I was born in fact (I'm 35). Myself, my brother and my mum were under incredible strain for a long time trying to deal with his condition. Eventually myself and my brother moved out as we have partners of our own and a hopefully increasing number of children - it wasn't feasible to live with my parents any more. Now my mum is there and my dad's mental health is continuing to decline - he never learned to take his tablets with any regularity, lost his job because f his illness, and even though I'm a counsellor, sadly all the qualifications and experience don't count when it's my own family.

But now now my mum is my main concern. She deals with his tantrums and moods, his paranoia and everything else. Frankly, I have recommended to her to get a separation because of the strain she's under. I do my best to help her, I've offered to pay her rent and bills if she moves out, but she refuses, and every year she gets more and more tired and weak. The worst part is that she won't tell me when things get really bad. One day I visited at random to find her in tears, and she stayed with us (in a one bed apartment) for a week after that.

This is probably not going to be a popular opinion, but when it comes down to it you've got to put a time limit on your patience. Believe me, I understand that you love and support your partner, do you'd anything for him and want the best for him, but he must realise that personal responsibility is a large part of a relationship, and when that is breached, things get much more difficult. You have been responsible for him, and he must restore the balance by making a concerted effort to improve his lot. It's certainly possible because I've seen lots of people do it as a counsellor.

Here's a checklist for him:

- Make sure your medication is correct (i.e, is your mood steadily improving? If not, go back to your GP and discuss the matter)
- Act on all the advice your counsellor gives you - it's given for very good reasons
- Get out of the house regularly
- Get yourself to your local Aware.ie support group and engage
- Start the above today!

I have useful techniques for improving mood here:

Mind Yourself

Follow these to the letter and you will feel better.

Pinkmoon19

@the one doctor. Thank you so much for your message. We don't have children, thank god I couldn't imagine being in this situation with children to care for as well. I absolutely do agree that his burden is my burden. We are in regular touch during the day and often his emails are about how is day is going and if he's having a bad day the emails are pretty hard, so even in work I'm worrying about him. I think that's what I find the hardest, to have to come home and deal with someone who is down all the time. It's really hard, I'm pretty tired when I get in from work and it takes a lot of energy to not get irritated and remain patient.

That checklist is really helpful. I think the next step is do go back to the GP and have a chat about the medication he's on. He's been on it now about 6 weeks, it did seems at the start that he was a little more in control of his moods but the past couple of weeks have been really bad. He has been going to a local aware support group, albeit sporadically but he had planned to go tomorrow.
Thanks for all that.

The One Doctor

wolfen wrote: »

@the one doctor. Thank you so much for your message. We don't have children, thank god I couldn't imagine being in this situation with children to care for as well. I absolutely do agree that his burden is my burden. We are in regular touch during the day and often his emails are about how is day is going and if he's having a bad day the emails are pretty hard, so even in work I'm worrying about him. I think that's what I find the hardest, to have to come home and deal with someone who is down all the time. It's really hard, I'm pretty tired when I get in from work and it takes a lot of energy to not get irritated and remain patient.

That checklist is really helpful. I think the next step is do go back to the GP and have a chat about the medication he's on. He's been on it now about 6 weeks, it did seems at the start that he was a little more in control of his moods but the past couple of weeks have been really bad. He has been going to a local aware support group, albeit sporadically but he had planned to go tomorrow.
Thanks for all that.

You're welcome. I would recommend not reading the emails he sends you during the day as it affects your mood too. Let him write them, but just have them fired into an unused email folder or something. Some might see this as unfair, but what he doesn't know won't hurt him and he still has the outlet of writing them.

Alternatively, tell him not to send them, and explain your reasons why they make your day harder. He's got to realise that his actions affect you too.

spurs1947

I am new to this,but I am so lonely,my partner of 3 years has sunk into the worst depressive episode ever,the intimacy is gone and was always there and he is not working at the moment and I dont know if he is just staying because he has no where else to go,he keeps saying only for you I would be homeless ..I cant talk to friends anymore and I work inthe mental health profession..I love him but I am worn out and alone .I just dont know if he is here for all the right reasons..all sorts of other stuff going on but just looking for support from other partners supporting their partners with depression

nesf

I think what mostly saves my marriage is that my wife mostly ignores me when I'm depressed or manic. She keeps an eye out for signs that I'm suicidal, watches to see if I'm not eating at all or failing to sleep for long periods but if any of these are the case she doesn't try and deal with it, she can't, she instead gets me to contact my GP/Psychiatrist/whatever. I try and lessen the load too, using various outlets both in the real world and online ("support networks") to spread the load of my negative/manic thinking so she doesn't have to deal with all of it. One person cannot possibly deal with all the crap someone with a serious mental illness can put out. Not for long anyway.

spurs1947

Hey nesf
thanks for the reply,things have come to a head and this morning he has left for space and for my self respect I had to do it,he says he is addicted to lonliness and his counsellor confirmed this.Right now I couldnt be in a home where the person was absent...Ive always just got on with things my life but this last month he just came off the anti-depressants suddenly its hard when there is still love but no huge reason to take a break...so who knows what the future holds

Pawwed Rig

Spurs - sorry to hear it. Just remember it is a sickness. It is not about you. As you work in the field you will know that depressed people can seem like the most self obsessed people. This is part of the sickness.

Best wishes to you and him.

nesf

spurs1947 wrote: »

Hey nesf
thanks for the reply,things have come to a head and this morning he has left for space and for my self respect I had to do it,he says he is addicted to lonliness and his counsellor confirmed this.Right now I couldnt be in a home where the person was absent...Ive always just got on with things my life but this last month he just came off the anti-depressants suddenly its hard when there is still love but no huge reason to take a break...so who knows what the future holds

When people are very ill mentally they can be very irrational. When I say my wife ignores me when I'm ill I mean she ignores the "crazier" things that go through my head. Sometimes you can ignore the stuff that they're saying that makes no sense, sometimes you can't. If he's not playing ball with his treatment then you don't want to be around this.

spurs1947

thanks I know,and he knows as he is also a mental health professional he has walked away with a note to say "look sorry for who I am truely...love" I accepted him for who he is and I hoped that he would accept depression was part of him but he feels there is no hope and so many people have tried to fix him,that there is no hope he is not for this life.The hardest part for me will be not to allow him back in out home unless he helps himself,so right now I have had to ask the man I love leave with no money as he is on sick pay to maybe one of his facebook admires or maybe 2 friends,but the one thing I know is I cant do more this is a pause who knows thanks for your supportive words

spurs1947

thank you pawwed rig for reminding me its not me,its nothing I did and for the first time I have given my self permission to have space that I cant fix his absence,I cant fix his work I cant fix he has no place to live. He had a partner ,he had a home he had a counsellor he had a network he has left them

Gremlinertia

Depression can be a very selfish illness. I know i have very often rejected everything and everyone for no good reason.. It's not easy admit it, but it's the truth, the selfish aspect can blind a person and cloud their judgement, if he has chosen to quit medication, counselling etc, well it's him that has done that, not you. Don't blame yourself, ill he may be, but still responsible for himself.