End of 5-year relationship

RoisinDove

Just writing this is as I'm totally devastated...I've been with my boyfriend for 5 years and we mutually decided to end it this weekend. It has been a really long time coming if I'm honest...the spark has been gone for at least a couple of years, and started to fade even longer ago. The thing is that every time we talked about ending it, we ended up staying together because we really did get on amazingly most of the time and anyone I consulted for advice told me that quiet patches sex-wise and the odd fight were normal in such a long-term relationship. Anyone who met my boyfriend told me how wonderful he was, which made me think that any doubts I had were me being silly and that I should just be grateful to have met such a great guy. All my single friends have been having an awful time trying to meet decent guys here in London and always told me how lucky I was to have met my partner already.

Another reason we ended up staying together so long is that our lives are so entwined now - we live together and we also work together. Looking back, this seems like such a stupid reason to stay together, but he also admitted that he felt like breaking up would just be such a hassle when it so much easier to stay together. Things finally ended for good when he admitted that he just doesn't fancy me anymore and has no interest in sex with me at all. We are basically just best friends at this point, and it isn't fair on either of us to carry on.

So..the decision has been made...I'm moving out as soon as I find a new place, changing job as soon as I find a new one and we've basically broken up. While it's a relief in some ways, it's also devastating to have finished such a long relationship with someone who means so much to me. We still love each other so much and we've both commented that it's bizarre to end a relationship with someone you still love (but are not IN love with, I guess). We had planned to get married, have kids, travel the world and now none of that will happen.

I'm also crushed that we did procrastinate so long - I'm almost 29 now and I had been hoping to start a family soon. I've gone from a secure relationship where the next stage would be an engagement to being single and having to start all over again. I'm really worried that I won't meet someone else in time to have a family etc. I am absolutely kicking myself that I didn't have the guts to end it 2 years ago and I let things go on for this long. I'm just so crushed and so upset. I feel like the last 2 years literally fastforwarded by and now this is where I am. That's it, I guess. Any comments from people who have been in the same boat or have advice would be appreciated.

LegacyUser

I know that you are going through a hard time at the moment. You have been with someone for the past 5 years and long term you saw marriage and children as part of both your futures.

It is far better that you both decided to end things rather than get married/have children in a relationship that was not stable or where you were both unhappy in.
Some times things happen for a reason and it is only apparent a few months or years later why it happened.

At this stage I would look for another job and see if you can go on holidays later in the year with some friends so you have something to look forward to. Don't worry about what people think or say re the end of your relationship. Be honest with a close friend/friends who you can chat to as you need friends around you now even if they are only there to make you go out at night or spend time together at weekends.

RoisinDove

lady 213 wrote: »

I know that you are going through a hard time at the moment. You have been with someone for the past 5 years and long term you saw marriage and children as part of both your futures.

It is far better that you both decided to end things rather than get married/have children in a relationship that was not stable or where you were both unhappy in.
Some times things happen for a reason and it is only apparent a few months or years later why it happened.

At this stage I would look for another job and see if you can go on holidays later in the year with some friends so you have something to look forward to. Don't worry about what people think or say re the end of your relationship. Be honest with a close friend/friends who you can chat to as you need friends around you now even if they are only there to make you go out at night or spend time together at weekends.

I know it is for the best. I just wish and wish that we'd had the courage to do it a couple of years ago. I see now that the things I worried about (working together, living together, friends in common) were really silly and could easily have been resolved, as if will have to be now.

Friends are an issue as I don't have many friends of my own here. I followed my partner to London and most of our friends are mutual, especially as we work together. I didn't do too many activities without my partner as I liked spending time with him. I do go to the gym a lot, but don't really meet people there.

My biggest worry now is my age...I know 29 is not old by any means, but I have had a few gynaecological 'issues' and always wanted to start a family around the age of 30 just in case I ended up needing help/interventions. It's crept up on me as the last couple of years have flown by, which was bad enough as a couple (we don't have much money and jobs aren't very stable) but now it just feels like a disaster.

Typer Monkey

Hi OP, you have my sympathies. The breakup of a significant relationship can be rough to deal with. I broke up with a long term boyfriend who I owned a house with when I was 31. It was the right thing for both of us but, like you, I should have finished it long before I did. We were just friends really but I kept worrying about the house, starting again and meeting someone new etc. While he was devastated at the time he's since gone on to meet someone who was a better fit and have two children and is very happy.

I then met someone who I thought was 'the one' but he turned out to be a lying, cheating arse who I broke up with at 34! Starting all over yet again at 34 was certainly daunting but definitely better than putting up with a cheat.

However my story does have a happy ending as I met my now fiancé shortly afterwards. He's an amazing man and we're really suited and very happy. We have a daughter and are getting married this year.

The reason I'm telling you all this is that you never know what the future holds. At the moment you are catastrophising the future and seeing it as all negative. Yes the unknown is scary but it's also full of possibility. You're not even 30 yet. You have time to make your life what you want of it and to meet someone who you will be really happy with and satisfied by. Isn't the potential of that happening preferable to settling for mediocrity and unhappiness?

Don't panic. Grieve the end of your relationship but you can be certain that it was the right thing to do. You gave it every chance and spent a longtime thinking about ending it. Trust the decision you made and don't waste even more of your precious time worrying about what might or might not happen. The world is your oyster now.

Tokyo

OP, my condolences on your break-up, and after five years it's never going to be easy. Though to be honest, by reading your post, you argue a pretty good case for it being over for a long time now, and you know that it's best in the long run. Which is a good place to be starting from IMHO.

One thing that I have to ask though, is why the biggest changes are occurring in your life, and not his?? You are moving out of the home that you created together. You are the one who has to change jobs fro the workplace that you worked at together. I'm not saying that he is having an easy time of it in this breakup, but considering the current job market and such, it seems a little one-sided to me.

Merkin

I've been in your shoes. I was with the same guy from when I was 22 until I was 28 and when he got down on bended knee when I was 26 and proposed in a really romantic setting I said no. That should have told me something :rolleyes: I shouldn't have let it drag on for those extra two years I did but hey ho, I eventually found the courage to break up with him and he was absolutely devastated. I think I had grieved for the relationship while still in it if that makes sense. Like you our lives were intertwined and I actually still loved him when I broke up with him, it wasn't an easy decision but it was absolutely the right thing to do.

Roll on the years following, I dated a veritable rogue's gallery of absolutely fcuktards and numpties but I also had great fun a long the way. Travelled the world, got up to more than my fair share of mischief and basically had a ball. I was then fortunate enough to get together with my beloved Mr. Merkin, we were married within a year (when you know, you KNOW - don't let anyone tell you different ) and we have a little bubba on the way.

I remember unleashing myself on the general populous at 28, and not doing anything by halves, I changed jobs, house, relationship, hairstyle - all within the space of a month. It was scary but hey, life needs a good shake up sometimes. Breaking up with that guy was one of the best things I ever did and left the way clear for my true love.

You'll be absolutely fine. See this as an exciting new chapter, roll with the punches and then when you do meet someone totally fantastic you'll be glad you had the courage to end it. I've seen people who don't even fancy each other getting married and that's really really sad, be glad you're not that person.

Carriexx

HI. You are gonna be fine, its just gonna take some time. To re-vamp my things last year I started in a cross-fit gym which is like a community and made loads of new friends while keeping fit, go about 4 times a week now, and love it. xx

ShaShaBear

As with Merkin, I was with the same guy for almost 5 years. We fell out of love about two years in but we were so invested in each other's lives (or rather, I was very invested in his - he managed to keep to himself!) we stayed together for convenience. I was so, so, so delighted when we finally came to the decision to break it off! I was, like you, worried about how I would EVER find someone else after all the time I had wasted.

He hit me like a ton of bricks :P He'd been a close friend for 6 years. We lived quite a bit apart and never got to see each other, so once I had split I invited him to my new place for a takeaway and a catch-up. One bottle of vodka later, and the funny business happened. One week later we were exclusive (and head over heels so many times over that we could have ran a bus service ). Within three months he had proposed, and now - almost two years together - we are living in our own place and have three more months to wait until we meet our daughter.
Like Merkin said, when you know - you KNOW. You won't need 5 years to sit and think about it. Your heart will tell you. Don't think you'll have to invest another 5 years in someone just to find out where it is going, because you never know what is around the corner, except that it is better than what you left behind :P

RoisinDove

Thanks for the replies. I know it's for the best, it's just so daunting. I've started looking at new places to live and it's so depressing. Expensive, crappy rooms living with strangers, trying to find a place with a lock on the bedroom door so I don't have to worry about my belongings...I never thought I'd end up back in this position. I wouldn't mind at all living on my own in a studio but they are totally unaffordable in London. To be honest, I think this is a large part of why my partner and I stayed together so long - convenience.

As for why I'm making the changes...well he's now a manager at work, so not going anywhere. Plus, he worked there first and got me a job there, so it would be unfair to expect him to leave. We are living in a one-bed flat together and are going to try to break the lease early. He earns more than me so has agreed to pay all the rent until he manages to get rid of it. I couldn't afford it on my own. It would be more convenient for me to just stay until the lease is up, but that just means even more wasted time without moving on and neither of us thinks that's for the best.

mike_ie wrote: »

OP, my condolences on your break-up, and after five years it's never going to be easy. Though to be honest, by reading your post, you argue a pretty good case for it being over for a long time now, and you know that it's best in the long run. Which is a good place to be starting from IMHO.

One thing that I have to ask though, is why the biggest changes are occurring in your life, and not his?? You are moving out of the home that you created together. You are the one who has to change jobs fro the workplace that you worked at together. I'm not saying that he is having an easy time of it in this breakup, but considering the current job market and such, it seems a little one-sided to me.

Stavro Mueller

Would you consider trying to get a job back in Ireland and moving home? That way you'd have a better chance of having somewhere nicer to live, you could reconnect with old friends and make a fresh start? Or failing that, would you try moving to another city? Does it have to be London?

RoisinDove

cymbaline wrote: »

Would you consider trying to get a job back in Ireland and moving home? That way you'd have a better chance of having somewhere nicer to live, you could reconnect with old friends and make a fresh start? Or failing that, would you try moving to another city? Does it have to be London?

I don't really want to live in Ireland. I only partially grew up there (we moved a lot because of dad's job), don't have any friends left there really - most have moved abroad and/or we've drifted apart and/or have nothing in common anymore. I was actually born in London although I left at an early age, and my siblings live here, so this is home for me really. I wouldn't be averse to moving abroad, but am aware of the fact that I have a tendency to 'run away' - I went abroad when my last relationship ended - and I don't want to up and leave once again just because of the break up. I don't have a lot for me here but I do have some friends, my gym, familiar areas etc...I think it might be healthier to stay here and work through it than 'run away' only for the same problems to be facing me when I come back...I don't know.

maroon

Is there any family members you could stay with while looking around?

Shelga

Hi Rosin,

I'm really sorry this has happened. I'm going through a breakup now too and facing similar issues- starting all over again, worrying about work etc. I'm almost 27 and wasn't with the guy as long as you, but still feels like sh**! I was supposed to be moving in with him and then he ended it suddenly. Now I find I have to confront all the other issues in my life (mainly apathy towards job and current location), as before I could always take solace in my relationship at least.

I would advise you to use this time to really figure out what you want- personally, I was placing too much emphasis on one person making me happy. Is there a company you've always wanted to work for or sideways career move you've wanted to make? Now is the time to make these decisions, with no one else to hold you back. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done, but being happier in other areas of your life will make you a more positive person and thus more likely to meet someone.

I may move to London and feel you on the living with strangers thing- eek! Another thing that has helped me is realising how many people go through the same thing. Seems to be a period in life before settling down where we constantly question why we're doing what we're doing and wonder if we'll ever meet someone. The fact that you've had a longterm relationship already puts you in a much better situation that someone who has difficulty forming meaningful connections to other people.

I know it's really hard and now is when the loneliness is at its most acute- plenty of us out here are going through the exact same emotions and we will all survive and thrive- so will you

RoisinDove

maroon wrote: »

Is there any family members you could stay with while looking around?

Not really. My siblings are in flatshares and don't really have the space.

Shelga wrote: »

Hi Rosin,

I'm really sorry this has happened. I'm going through a breakup now too and facing similar issues- starting all over again, worrying about work etc. I'm almost 27 and wasn't with the guy as long as you, but still feels like sh**! I was supposed to be moving in with him and then he ended it suddenly. Now I find I have to confront all the other issues in my life (mainly apathy towards job and current location), as before I could always take solace in my relationship at least.

I would advise you to use this time to really figure out what you want- personally, I was placing too much emphasis on one person making me happy. Is there a company you've always wanted to work for or sideways career move you've wanted to make? Now is the time to make these decisions, with no one else to hold you back. Trust me, I know it's easier said than done, but being happier in other areas of your life will make you a more positive person and thus more likely to meet someone.

I may move to London and feel you on the living with strangers thing- eek! Another thing that has helped me is realising how many people go through the same thing. Seems to be a period in life before settling down where we constantly question why we're doing what we're doing and wonder if we'll ever meet someone. The fact that you've had a longterm relationship already puts you in a much better situation that someone who has difficulty forming meaningful connections to other people.

I know it's really hard and now is when the loneliness is at its most acute- plenty of us out here are going through the exact same emotions and we will all survive and thrive- so will you

It's funny how it's pretty much the same story for lots of people. It must be terribly common to stay in relationships just for convenience or because you don't want to 'waste' the time you've put in.

I was having similar feelings of doubt over 2 years ago but it was easier just to ignore them and hope things changed, especially with all the personal and health issues I had going on back then. I didn't treat my partner the way I should have due to being so self-absorbed with all my bad news and I guess he ended up getting low and depressed himself. I feel so awful about this as he was always a happy, positive, upbeat person and I dragged him down. I hope he's able to go back to his old self.

Yes, I am looking at career moves and all that and I had been even before the break up. Unfortunately my self esteem is taking a knock in that area too, as all I've had are rejections (some of them quite brutal) but I will keep going.

I feel positive overall about all this and think I badly need some time to myself to just be me...just so so badly wish I'd done this a couple of years ago so around now could be the time to look for someone else. I think I need at least a year to figure out who I am and what I want and I'll be 30 by then.

Shelga

Well, in my case, I didn't hang around out of habit- I loved him and then he dumped me Same end result- relationship over.

Listen, there is nothing more futile than saying what you should or shouldn't have done. You cannot change the past! You did what you thought was best at the time. Make your focus what you can do now to improve your future. Think of another 2 years from now, and how you don't want to have any regrets in that time.

And you're 30, not 60!

livemusic4life

Going through something similar myself at the moment. 5.5 years with a guy. We had promised that if we ever split up that we would not date anyone else in the same circle. Fast forward to just over two weeks ago when i find out he's seeing someone else, And not just someone else but someone in our circle which everyone else knows but don't tell me!!!

I found myself, rather unladylike if i'm honest, and wanted him to admit how much he hurt me. I didn't want him back. Needless to say, that was a pointless exercise.

I've removed myself from the scene, deleted all contact info for him, boxed up all his stuff and returned it. Changed my hair and i'm moving on. At 32, the thought of starting over and wasting 5 years of my life on a dickhead makes me so sad. BUT i know i'll survive and every day will get better. If i find someone else - great, but if not, I'm content to be single and not used

BumblebeeGirl

Going through same as you OP. Broke up with my bf of nearly 5 years last April.

Towards the end we just saw each other as friends living together (me more so than him) and after months of unhappiness, he got the courage to end it.

We talk all the time because we might have lost sexual chemistry, but we still see each other as best friends. Weird situation I know, but it seems to be working ok for both of us (for the moment anyway).

My only advice is to take time out from relationships and be alone for a while. You will go through many emotions in the next few months so it's best to figure yourself out before you find the one!

Best of luck, it's a really sad situation to be in x

RoisinDove

I think it's starting to sink in now how final this all is and I'm starting to majorly regret the decision - is this normal?

I'm just looking back at the many times I was snappy and moany and didn't consider my partner's feelings at all. Something he really didn't like was that he felt like I took advantage of his good nature and expected him to do too much (cooking, cleaning etc). We seemed to have got into an unhealthy pattern when I was ill and he took charge of everything and a weird dynamic developed which was really difficult to get out of. I wish so much that I'd just made a bigger effort to fix things and realise how unhappy he was.

It will be so, so hard to tell other people and so awkward. I've actually been putting it off because I don't know how to say it. I'm dreading telling my mum because she was so awful when my last relationship ended and she's doing the same to my sister now. She basically assumes that it's 100% our decision when a relationship ends and asks 'are you sure? over and over again. I dumped my last boyfriend after he cheated on me with a mutual friend and she kept going on and on for the next year about how I'd 'decided' to break up with him even though he had lots of money and good prospects. I actually can't face that happening again.

Obliq

RoisinDove wrote: »

I think it's starting to sink in now how final this all is and I'm starting to majorly regret the decision - is this normal?

I'm just looking back at the many times I was snappy and moany and didn't consider my partner's feelings at all. Something he really didn't like was that he felt like I took advantage of his good nature and expected him to do too much (cooking, cleaning etc). We seemed to have got into an unhealthy pattern when I was ill and he took charge of everything and a weird dynamic developed which was really difficult to get out of. I wish so much that I'd just made a bigger effort to fix things and realise how unhappy he was.

It will be so, so hard to tell other people and so awkward. I've actually been putting it off because I don't know how to say it. I'm dreading telling my mum because she was so awful when my last relationship ended and she's doing the same to my sister now. She basically assumes that it's 100% our decision when a relationship ends and asks 'are you sure? over and over again. I dumped my last boyfriend after he cheated on me with a mutual friend and she kept going on and on for the next year about how I'd 'decided' to break up with him even though he had lots of money and good prospects. I actually can't face that happening again.

Sounds like you're already doing to yourself what you expect your Mum to lay on you OP! She doesn't even need to open her mouth, as you're already busy regretting the finality of ending a relationship that died, and beating yourself up about the "good prospects" that might have been, if only you hadn't done x, y or z.

You have two issues here. One is that you seem to have genuine regrets about how it all panned out, and your behaviour in the relationship isn't sitting well with you now. I guess that's the kind of thing that takes time to reconcile with yourself, and it might do no harm to talk over with your ex sometime ( if you're still quite close), or indeed a counsellor. Even if you have no intention of getting back with him, sometimes apologising for what you feel you got wrong can be healing, but counselling could really help for sure.

The other issue is that you are putting off your mother, but pre-empting the the attack of the accusatory "you don't know your own mind" mother. I'd suggest you get it really straight in your head that you don't have to entertain this, and stop entertaining it from yourself too. Handling your mum sounds like an art form in itself, so perhaps setting some ground rules for what you don't want her to bang on about endlessly, should be brought up at the same time as your relationship break down.

BTW, you're normal. Totally normal. But try and be ok with yourself, eh? Nobody has died, and you can all move on with lessons learned and new horizons, hard though it is.

Merkin

You know Roisin you can analyse the relationship and your respective behavior to the 'nth degree and fundamentally this is what it boils down to:

RoisinDove wrote: »

Things finally ended for good when he admitted that he just doesn't fancy me anymore and has no interest in sex with me at all. We are basically just best friends at this point, and it isn't fair on either of us to carry on.

It sounds like you both had really grown apart and the relationship had truly run its course. If you were over dependent on him for household duties and he had had an issue with this but yet still loved you, he would have addressed it and you could have worked through it together. But it sounds like this was petering out anyway and issues like this become almost incidental. I don't think you could have done things differently in the hope of getting a different result so don't go down that route, it's futile and unhelpful.

As far as your mother is concerned, I'd tell her as little as possible. And in your own time. It is absolutely none of her business whom you choose to share your life with and if she loves you then she should support your decisions. Tell her in your own time and then tell her you absolutely will not entertain any conversations about the topic again.

dellas1979

Hi OP,
First of all, I dont really understand your obsession/fixation with this "30" business.

You have to have it all figured out by 30? Says who? You? Why? Its a state of mind. Ill tell you, Ive never had so much fun, done so much travelling and enjoying myself, all over the age of 30. At 30ish, all of a sudden I realised I didnt really give a **** about what I thought I was supposed to "have" in life. Or what people thought I was supposed to have. I was just going to enjoy myself. I just came back (today) from a skiing trip

And usually by 30, we've build up knowledge/scenarios along the way, so there is a little bit more confidence....life is what you make it whether youre 20/30/40/50 etc.

Yes, it is scary because you are loosing what feels like your right arm because you depended on him for so long. But come on.....do you want your life to be "Im staying with him because Im scared" or "hell yeah Im going to have an adventure and see what happens along the way".

LegacyUser

Hi Rosin,
I know that you are going through a hard time at the moment. After ending a 5 year relationship you do look back and think if I did x & y would it have lasted.
I know it is easy to stay in a relationship for any number of reasons but it takes courage to end one that is going no where.
Is it far better that you ended things now rather then being in a bad marriage where you could have children. I know couples who got married knowing things were not right before this and long term it did not end well.

In regards to your mother I would tell her that you both decided to end your relationship by telephone. I would then say to her that if she keeps mentioning this to you like what happened when you broke up with //// who cheated on you you will cut her off. I would keep doing this any time she starts on about your relationships and tell your sister to do the same.

RoisinDove

dellas1979 wrote: »

Hi OP,
First of all, I dont really understand your obsession/fixation with this "30" business.

You have to have it all figured out by 30? Says who? You? Why? Its a state of mind. Ill tell you, Ive never had so much fun, done so much travelling and enjoying myself, all over the age of 30. At 30ish, all of a sudden I realised I didnt really give a **** about what I thought I was supposed to "have" in life. Or what people thought I was supposed to have. I was just going to enjoy myself. I just came back (today) from a skiing trip

And usually by 30, we've build up knowledge/scenarios along the way, so there is a little bit more confidence....life is what you make it whether youre 20/30/40/50 etc.

Yes, it is scary because you are loosing what feels like your right arm because you depended on him for so long. But come on.....do you want your life to be "Im staying with him because Im scared" or "hell yeah Im going to have an adventure and see what happens along the way".

It's not about figuring it out by 30. It's about the very real body clock issue. I have lots of gynae issues and was told to ideally start trying for a baby in my late 20s which is where I am now. I've gone from cohabiting and being (so I thought) a year or two away from marriage to being single and having to start again. I know most women wouldn't be worrying about fertility at my age but unfortunately I am. I know there are no issues as regards travelling and enjoying life but I really would like to have kids.

kittycati

I think its a natural thing for a lot of women around age of thirty to start worrying about kids etc..I came out of even longer relationship and few years older than you..i truly believe that whats meant for us wont pass us..everything happens for a reason..as people we constantly change and lives change accordingly..least for next relationships you know what you want and wont waste time on people..better be single now get to know yourself and look after yourself. Theres plenty of time..everything will come together in its own time

dellas1979

RoisinDove wrote: »

It's not about figuring it out by 30. It's about the very real body clock issue. I have lots of gynae issues and was told to ideally start trying for a baby in my late 20s which is where I am now. I've gone from cohabiting and being (so I thought) a year or two away from marriage to being single and having to start again. I know most women wouldn't be worrying about fertility at my age but unfortunately I am. I know there are no issues as regards travelling and enjoying life but I really would like to have kids.

Ok - but saying all this doesnt really change anything about the situation right now. Youre off living in the future already and its a pessimistic place.

You were in a relationship where you (both) werent happy. Its done now, and yes its only natural to feel sad about that. But you have an opportunity now to make yourself happy, presently, and stop worrying about what might/mightnt happen in the next few years. Youll end up worrying your socks off over something you have no control over.

If you are happy and confident in yourself, youll be more open to attracting the right man, so that you can, hopefully, fulfill your dream of having kids.

And BTW, making yourself happy and working on yourself may include acknowledging that you mightnt have children and how to deal with these possibilities and worries that you have.