Confusing situation..

LegacyUser

I was seeing this guy for a few months, all seemed to be going very well and he showed great interest...making an effort to call nearly every night (we live about 2 hours away from eachother) and also came home most weekends to see me and initiate meet ups. I also visited him in Limerick a few times.

I noticed contact was dwindling (but not cutting out completely) over a few days and then realised that I was initiating more than he was but he always picked up the phone/replied to texts when I did contact him. He is a busy guy and I appreciate that but we went a few days without talking and I decided to step back and just see would he reach out by himself.

So I hadn't heard from him since last Tuesday when we spoke on the phone and I was beginning to accept the fact that things were fizzling out as we hadn't met up for 2 weeks (distance is not helping situation). Then I got a text this morning from him saying 'best of luck with your exams, hope your hard work pays off'. So I replied later in the day when I finished work....kept it brief and said 'thanks, hope your gig went well last night'. To which I got no further reply.

Perhaps I'm overthinking this but to be honest I would have nearly preferred if he hadn't done that as I was starting to get things together about the situation and now I'm feeling down about it again. Would it be odd if I were to contact him during the week if he doesn't get back to me in the meantime and just ask where we are at the moment and hopefully get closure or should I just continue and presume we've been 'friendzoned' and leave it at that? I don't know if he lost interest and saw me as a friend, or the distance was getting to him or if he was afraid of commitment as we were approaching that stage but he doesn't want to give me up altogether but keep me around by sporadic contact?

Sorry if this post is a bit disjointed....I'm just confused right now, I've been let down by guys in the past and I really liked this one

Holsten

No it would not be odd at all.

You need to ask these questions directly to get the answers you want. Ask him what his idea of this 'relationship' is and does he see it going anywhere.

I mean if you can't even talk about this to each other that's a problem right there.

Tokyo

I think it's a problem easily solved by an honest phone call. Next time you are talking to him, tell him that you noticed that he's been more unavailable lately, and should you take it as a sign that he just wants to remain friends? Or is he interested in this relationship going somewhere? It doesn't have to be an aggressive call, just a checking the playing field one, and is perfectly acceptable I think, given both of your situations.

phone2000

whattothink wrote: »

Then I got a text this morning from him saying 'best of luck with your exams, hope your hard work pays off'. So I replied later in the day when I finished work....kept it brief and said 'thanks, hope your gig went well last night'. To which I got no further reply.

I just picked up on the above, do you think it's possible that because you were sitting exams he cut back on contact so as not to disturb you?

Especially if you were working hard on the exams he may have felt it best to leave you to your work and let you contact him when you were free?

Merkin

mike_ie wrote: »

I think it's a problem easily solved by an honest phone call. Next time you are talking to him, tell him that you noticed that he's been more unavailable lately, and should you take it as a sign that he just wants to remain friends? Or is he interested in this relationship going somewhere? It doesn't have to be an aggressive call, just a checking the playing field one, and is perfectly acceptable I think, given both of your situations.

I think this is a good idea. Your perfectly within your rights to do this OP and it is not aggressive or needy or anything like that - simply establishing what is going on. He may just not have the balls to say he sees no future in it and it's better for yourself to get a definitive answer one way or another.

Glowla

Thanks everyone, I was afraid it might come off as needy/not taking a hint after this amount of time. It feels like things are just hanging at the moment but not closed fully. My stubbornness (for want of a better word) gets the better of me sometimes and I may have lost out on situations before because of it....initially I thought he was avoiding me but to make contact of his own accord (however insignificant he meant it as) makes me think otherwise!

I know a phone call would prob be best but would a text suffice to even broach the question? I'm gutted if this is his way of ending things...it's the first time I have let my guard down in so long!!

Holsten

Glowla wrote: »

I know a phone call would prob be best but would a text suffice to even broach the question? I'm gutted if this is his way of ending things...it's the first time I have let my guard down in so long!!

Text? What? No!

Call the man, what have you really got to lose? Just do it!

LegacyUser

Holsten wrote: »

Text? What? No!

Call the man, what have you really got to lose? Just do it!

I know you're right Holsten! I think I'm afraid he might not answer his phone and I'll be feeling very crap then....although that in itself would be an answer I suppose..

retro:electro

The fact that he wished you luck in your exams makes me think that maybe he thought the lack of contact from you in the last week was to do with study? And therefore he decided you let you at it and not bother you. He sent a good luck message so he obviously was thinking about you and it was nice of him to remember.
I contact him if I were you. Sounds like a lot of miscommunication and presumptions to me.

LegacyUser

One minute I'm all set to contact him and find out where I stand but then I remember that he's the one that wasn't initiating contact at all apart from that text the other night. I don't think it's to do with exams really....if he had wanted to bring contact around why did he stop replying after that? I'll never know if I don't ask though....time to ditch the fear of rejection ha!!

Merkin

Tbh it does sound like it's fizzling out but that really is only conjecture and until you actually find out for definite you're going to be hanging around wondering. The word "closure" is overrated but in this instance, you deserve some kind of Swan song. I know his text was nice but I'd view it as a friendly one and nothing more given that you haven't now actually seen one another in a few weeks. Are you going to phone or text him?

LegacyUser

Merkin I'm not sure what to do...I'm not sure if I feel comfortable just ringing now after this amount of time, I have a feeling he may not pick up or it might not work out as I envisage it....but would a text look like a bit of a cop out although might have more chance of a reply if he's not caught on the hop with it, it won't change anything but gives more scope to get an answer and close the book per say? What do you think?

strobe

You've just got to text or ring him. And just be straight and up front. No silly games not saying what you mean and then trying to discern abstract meaning from anything he says.

You 'decided to take a step back', which going by your OP means you stopped texting or calling him. The guy probably thinks either you're the one that lost interest in him or that you're playing silly buggers (which you kind of are a bit).

Text him, or ring him, but be honest and say what you mean. Apologise that the two of you haven't been keeping in contact as much the last couple of weeks and ask him if he'd like to do something at the weekend. Then ask him how he sees things between you, if the distance is too much etc.

If you want him to be straight with you, be straight with him.

Merkin

I'd text him. Say that you're sorry contact between the two of you seems to have waned so much and you'd like to know why. Tell him you want to know if he'd like to see you again or if he would just prefer to leave it. See what he says. If this has fizzled out and he hasn't been brave enough to say anything then you may have a better chance of him being straight with you by text rather than an awkward phone call.

LegacyUser

Some good advice there. Yes at this stage a text is probably the best method of getting an answer...if I even get one at that! I was unsure how I would word such a message but good wording by you two, thanks

I know he's got an event on tonight so may hold off and send the text tomorrow or Thursday instead...I know that its got to be done now though, its been playing on my mind for the past week or so but some posts on here have made me realise I deserve some sort of explanation instead of sitting around allowing it to dissolve and tear my head apart wondering what happened, its not as if we went on one date and he didn't get back to me, that would be a different story.

Obliq

whattothink wrote: »

Some good advice there. Yes at this stage a text is probably the best method of getting an answer...if I even get one at that! I was unsure how I would word such a message but good wording by you two, thanks

I know he's got an event on tonight so may hold off and send the text tomorrow or Thursday instead...I know that its got to be done now though, its been playing on my mind for the past week or so but some posts on here have made me realise I deserve some sort of explanation instead of sitting around allowing it to dissolve and tear my head apart wondering what happened, its not as if we went on one date and he didn't get back to me, that would be a different story.

I remember feeling similar about not wanting to appear in any way needy and trying to play the text game in a kind of lofty "whateva dude" way when my fella and myself were first starting out. When it came to asking him if we were going to make a go of this or not, and if so, I want more contact because a relationship by text is not going to work, at least I was in a position to take the answer if it was a NO.

I remember approaching him about it by saying that texting is a ridiculously inadequate way of communicating - I got mixed messages from nearly all of his and spend quality time trying to second guess and analyse what he meant by the delay in answering, and the answer itself. I told him this, matter of factly, suggesting that it was hard to know if I should invest any more in hoping this would become a relationship from a series of over analysed texts Worked out for me - good luck OP!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the advice guys...I sent a message to him yesterday to which I got no response as of yet anyway, silence is as effective as any reply at this stage I suppose unfortunately. I wasn't expecting him to come running back but would have appreciated some form of explanation.

Chalk it down to experience and on to the next adventure I guess!!

retro:electro

whattothink wrote: »

Thanks for all the advice guys...I sent a message to him yesterday to which I got no response as of yet anyway, silence is as effective as any reply at this stage I suppose unfortunately. I wasn't expecting him to come running back but would have appreciated some form of explanation.

Chalk it down to experience and on to the next adventure I guess!!

Aww that sucks OP.. At least you made some effort so you can't say you didn't try. Sometimes things just don't work out, but I know how frustrating it can be when you have no answers or explanations.

LegacyUser

That was partly my reason behind reaching out one final time Anna080....even if he didn't respond I can now rest in knowing that I did my part to at least acknowledge things had changed and was up for discussing it as opposed to letting it slip away as if we never knew eachother so he can't throw that back at me.

It does suck though to not know what happened, I really liked this one.

retro:electro

whattothink wrote: »

That was partly my reason behind reaching out one final time Anna080....even if he didn't respond I can now rest in knowing that I did my part to at least acknowledge things had changed and was up for discussing it as opposed to letting it slip away as if we never knew eachother so he can't throw that back at me.

It does suck though to not know what happened, I really liked this one.

If he does what most guys usually do and picks up contact in a week or two and pretends like nothing happened I wouldn't be too quick to forgive and forget. You've got a good indication of what kind of flaky character he is and it's not very nice..
I wouldn't waste my time sitting around worrying about him anyways, his loss!!

CaraMay

Definitely and you are well rid of the emotionally stunted wimp.

Merkin

whattothink wrote: »

That was partly my reason behind reaching out one final time Anna080....even if he didn't respond I can now rest in knowing that I did my part to at least acknowledge things had changed and was up for discussing it as opposed to letting it slip away as if we never knew eachother so he can't throw that back at me.

It does suck though to not know what happened, I really liked this one.

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. It sucks when you're seeing someone you like and then they just go AWOL without explanation. I firmly believe that in some parallel universe there must be a concealed warehouse full of the "Disappeared and Flaky"

In my own VAST experience, I'd put money on it that you will hear from him again in a few weeks. That's the way these things go. He may be seeing a couple of people and want to hedge his bets or there are any number of reasons why he's cooled off. The fact of the matter is that you probably won't ever know so for that reason I'd delete his number and then just ignore any future contact.

At least you haven't wasted any more time on him, keep the chin up x