prostitute or therapist? <Mod Warning Post #2>

LegacyUser

Hi, Im 32 , male and Ive a fear of sex. This bothers me alot as I dont usually allow any potential relationships to develop.

Its a fear built out of a combination of some bad experiences in my 20s, living with low self esteem , anxiety and depression in the past for many years (since I was a child actually), and now a complete avoidance as a result.

At the risk of sounding cocky, Im quite an attractive bloke, and despite my issues in the past, which Im now over, Im now very very comfortable and happy in my own skin, and the funny part is other than sex itself, Im quite good in bed in other ways.

But I really do think Ive a full blown fear of sex. Its not a thing where Im just a little nervous, or its a little awkward. It affects me to the point that my stomach sinks at the thought, and Im then simply not even physically able, and this is something I would find very very difficult to communicate with someone who I wasnt too serious with.

Theres one way I would get over this, if I was having lots of sex, simple as. I would then learn that its not a big deal. But despite knowing that now intellectually, its not how I react when theres an opportunity, just like a person with a fear of spiders knows spiders arent dangerous.

I was considering visiting prostitutes to get over this, and to be frank I probably would if I thought human trafficking was non existent. But I know I would always live with the fact that I did this. On the other hand I might look back and say to myself it wasnt that big a deal and it improved my sex life. You see, its not that Id be trying to learn how to have good sex, I just want the fear to diminish to a manageable level.

On the other hand I was considering a therapist, but I really dont know how they could help. Sure, I would probably feel great chatting to them about the issue, but theres so little they could do especially when I cant exactly put anything into practice on a regular basis.

Any advice?

Thanks!

Tokyo

OP, normally I would close a thread for asking advice on an illegal activity - soliciting a prostitute.

However, seeing as it's just one suggestion in a bigger thread, and your issue seems to be of genuine concern to you, I am leaving the thread open on condition that you do not refer to soliciting a prostitute again in this thread.

Posters are free to post any constructive advice they see fit regarding therapy or counseling etc, however any future references to illegal activity will be met with the usual infractions and bans.

Regards,
Mike

Czarcasm

prosttute wrote: »

On the other hand I was considering a therapist, but I really dont know how they could help. Sure, I would probably feel great chatting to them about the issue, but theres so little they could do especially when I cant exactly put anything into practice on a regular basis.

Any advice?

Thanks!

OP your issue clearly isn't physical, it's in your mind. You don't go wandering into the Amazon jungle to get over your fear of spiders, you go see a therapist who will help you to work through the underlying issue to get to the root of it rather than just deal with what you see yourself as the more immediate physical issue.

You should go to your GP and talk to them about being referred for counselling or therapy which will help you understand the issue and come up with a long term solution and coping strategy for a much deeper mental barrier, rather than a short term strategy which will do nothing more than just scratch the itch.

The problem isn't in your pants basically, it's in your mind.

Chucky the tree

You could try dating sites OP? Probably people on there looking for just sex.

Dravokivich

I used to have a lot of issues with a lack of sexual experience. One night stands never did it any good and the services of a prostitute aside from possible moral implications, is essentially goign to be no different to a one night stand. What I found I needed was support to develope it. You should consider what your needs are to develope your sexuality, more so than a quick fix to hopefully get to the outcome of the process.

Merkin

If you have psychological issues relating to sex, I would have thought said issues would merely be compounded by using the services of prostitutes. You don't want a situation whereby you go from being afraid of sex to suddenly seeing "paid for" sex as the norm and having a skewed version of what sex entails. I don't think it would help you in the long term.

Some counsellors deal specifically with psychosexual issues and if I were you, this is the route I would go down. Through CBT and PST and the help of a decent counsellor, you should be able to work through your issues and pave the way to leading a normal and fulfilling love life. Google "psychosexual therapy Ireland" and you will find a list of approved counsellors and indeed what this type of counselling entails.

I'd also avoid online dating as suggested above. While you have these issues, I don't think it fair to use unsuspecting people for "practice", you need to sort out your own issues first, by yourself, with the help of a professional, and then the world is your oyster.

LegacyUser

I've been that soldier.... and I would advise that you go see a therapist. You describe me in my early 30s.

Go see a relationship counsellor/sex therapist.

You will learn about yourself and what you can do to make things better for you in that department.

It is different with a prostitute and it won't benefit you in the long run as mentally you know that there is no emotional attachment there so it is different physically and mentally being with someone you like and someone who you fear is judging you and your ability.

Take the pressure off yourself... go talk to someone. They are professional and discrete.

I haven't looked back since.

Holsten

I would recommend a few sessions with a sex therapist, someone who specializes in this area.

Then you'll need to find someone who you are 100% comfortable with.

So try going on dates and not rushing things, put this area off the table for a few weeks/months if possible.

A Prostitute would be a waste of time and money, do not go that route.

skooterblue2

Holsten wrote: »

A Prostitute would be a waste of time and money, do not go that route.

A prostitute would be that and more. I dont know on how many levels that is wrong to visit a prostitute. Your first time should be with someone special. Someone who will returns your affections.

I think visiting a prostitute would be more damaging for your morale and emotional well being over the long term. Aside from all the health risks and the moral complications.

Time and money would be better invested in a proper sex therapist or counselor.

GardenMadness

Do see a therapist. It sounds like you're actually wondering how to progress relationships rather than how to just have sex - if you were interested in sex with prostitutes you'd be doing that.

Also, a lot of women may struggle with a partner who has a history of visiting prostitutes. That may be a consideration.