So fed up with things here

LegacyUser

Tldr; my housemate is acting like a muppet, I'm stressed and overworked and afraid she will sink me.

I've been living in the UK for about 6 months now with someone, Sarah, who I didn't know before. Initially things were great. She has an angry demeanor but was in good spirits most of the time. We also work together

At around October, I got some bad news which just floored me. I retreated into my shell and after work went straight to bed for a week. I was barely in the communal areas. I told Sarah it wasn't something she'd done but she told me later that I had made things very uncomfortable for her in the house during the time (I did not tell her the reason why, it was a personal problem one that I wouldn't be discussing with someone I only knew 6 weeks!)

At around October she started seeing one of our coworkers, John. Well "seeing" as it was clearly only ever a booty call but I think she was more emotionally involved then he was. They never went out and he only called her to come around in between 9-10pm

The last time she was with him was the start of December. 2 weeks later at our Christmas party her really good friend Mary kissed John and then asked Sarah was it ok to get with him. Sarah got very angry and very upset and made a holy show of herself in front of all our work colleagues demanding to know why John had treated her so badly. He was absolutely horrible back, said that he'd been using her to get to Mary, told her she was terrible at her job, that no man would like her... That night she vowed not to talk to either of them, to be civil but not wanting anything to do with either and to not socialise with them

The next morning she met Mary who cried and apologised and said she'd never go near John again. And so Mary was forgiven. John took longer. She didn't talk to him for the week after but when we came back in January had completely made up again. Everything was back to normal. She's now best friends with everyone again, spends every weekend with them and so on.

Fast forward to last week. I was visiting my best friends and ended up having a breakdown. I was tired from work but everything from last October just came flooding back. I don't want to return there, it was an awful place I was in the previous October. But I returned quite down and went straight to bed. I saw her for 10 seconds as I was walking in.

My alarm normally goes off at 6 and I then sleep until 7, she gets up at 6:45. That morning I decided to get up and go straight to work because I'd missed out on a lot. I was very behind. I'd only decided at 6am and told her when she got up. She normally gets a lift with me (it's a 5 minute drive vs a 20 minute walk) and we are usually in 45 minutes early anyway. She would have still been 30 minutes early. The next day she sends me a message saying "A real friend would have told me that you weren't giving me a lift".

She now hasn't talked to me in a week. I believe she is actively trying to make things worse for me. She's acting so childish, she's slamming doors, got the tv turned up really loud, banging the dishes and said a total of 9 words to me in a week. And she's excluding me from things.

I don't know what to do. I feel the comparison between her reaction to her other friends and me is disproportionate. She's making things awkward at home and since it was my only safe place before, and now she's making it worse, I'm worried that I'll sink to where I was in October.

I would leave if I could but I've 7 months left on the lease.

Oh and John and Mary have been dating since the start of January!

ivytwine

All the John and Mary stuff is peripheral in my opinion, and it just highlights that Sarah is an immature person. I understand why you have posted it, but it's nothing to do with you in reality. Sarah's love life is her business, unless she's directly infringing you, I'd stay well out.

I think you need to take a step back here- is there anyway that you could use some holiday leave and maybe come back to Ireland or even get away for a weekend to Cornwall or somewhere- somewhere you'd be on your own and take some time to think.

Without knowing exactly what happened to you in October (and it's your right not to disclose it) it does seem that Sarah is quite immature and childish.

HOWEVER, I'm going to play devil's advocate here. Look at it from Sarah's perspective. You move in with a stranger. You are going through your own troubles (nobody has an angry demeanour unless they're unhappy in some way). Initially everything is fine. You get on. Then suddenly, they basically stop talking to you. Go to bed for a week. You wonder what you have done- or maybe it's something worse, but god knows you don't feel comfortable asking. After a week, they begin to come around. But something has changed. You have felt uncomfortable in the sudden change in atmosphere, and despite your housemate's assurances, it's hard to shake the feeling that it wasn't something to do with you.

I also can't blame Sarah for being mad about the lift situation. The least you could have done was text her. You live in the same house- why not knock on her bedroom door? In fairness when you had that arrangement in place it must have been quite annoying for her to have a disturbance in the routine with no notice.

I think Sarah might have become a little baffled by your behaviour since October and has decided you are not worth the effort. Not to excuse her stamping about and being passive aggressive, but the lack of communication is the root cause of this.

Basically I think you need to see someone as regards what happened in October (the language you use around it, breakdown, sinking, it's not good). There appears to be a certain determination to deal with all this on your own but there is no shame in admitting you can't cope with things. None AT ALL.

I also think you need to sit Sarah down and have a conversation with her. This sort of passive aggressive resentment is so common among housemates when generally it can be solved by sitting down together and talking. Apologise for not giving her a lift and explain that due to personal issues since October you have been out of sorts.

If it was me I would probably disclose what happened in October to her, but again I understand why you wouldn't. Personally I think the relationship with a housemate is such that it's fair to explain why you mightn't be full of sunshine and lollipops.

Hope this helps.

Merkin

I agree with Ivytwine on all points raised, the stuff with John and Mary is quite incidental, as is her reaction. If anything you sound a little judgmental about her dynamic with John, Sarah's lovelife really isn't any of your business.

I also agree that while Sarah sounds a little immature, it sounds like you are too. I am sorry about whatever happened to you in October, but when living in such close proximity to someone, you need to still engage with them to some degree. That's even just to acknowledge that things are not good and to make a disclaimer regarding your withdrawn and unusual behavior.

When I started working where I work, my own office was directly opposite to and within close proximity of another manager. She is UNBELIEVABLY moody with a wealth of personal issues but she'd come in some days and barely speak. So I took her to task one day and asked her out straight had I done something and she was very apologetic and said no, she had stuff going on at home and was being consumed by that. It meant I cut her some slack then for her rudeness.

Sarah didn't know you were undergoing a very hard time personally so you just must have gone from a sociable and friendly housemate to one who stayed in her room, barely acknowledged her and was probably quite rude.

If I were you I'd have a sit down with Sarah and flesh out all of these issues before your living situation becomes intolerable. You may not need to fully disclose what happened to you in October, but I do think you owe her some kind of explanation.

MagicMarker

I have to agree with the others. While Sarah sounds like a bit of a pain, if you look at it from her point of view it's somewhat understandable.

You've been ignoring her as far as she's concerned, she probably thought you had an issue with her and that in her mind would have been confirmed once you decided you weren't giving her a lift that morning.

She's probably acting like a child now in an effort to get you to leave.

R.D. aka MR.D

Can you not see that what you did was really inconsiderate?

I know that her reaction is childish but i would also be annoyed if some one did that to me even if they had been having emotional problems that i knew about.

I agree with others that are saying that your actions probably seem rude in her eyes because you haven't shared your problems.

The Princess Bride

ivytwine wrote: »

...explain that due to personal issues since October you have been out of sorts.

If it was me I would probably disclose what happened in October to her, but again I understand why you wouldn't. Personally I think the relationship with a housemate is such that it's fair to explain why you mightn't be full of sunshine and lollipops.

Hope this helps.

I agree with most of what ivytwine said.

I don't,however,feel you need to go into details about what happened in October.
It should be enough to sit Sarah down,and explain briefly,that you had personal issues which made you withdraw,that you're a private person who didn't/doesn't want to share your problems and this is why you've been inclined towards staying alone in your room.

To be fair,Sarah probably had you labelled as "odd".You might have done the same had you been in her shoes.
Explaining briefly-without disclosing everything - might salvage the house sharing arrangement,and you both might learn to tolerate each other.
If that doesn't work, I guess you'll have to put up until the lease has expired.

Best of luck,and perhaps talk to a counsellor to help you move on from the personal trauma.

ivytwine

The Princess Bride wrote: »

I agree with most of what ivytwine said.

I don't,however,feel you need to go onto details about what happened in October.
It should be enough to sit Sarah down,and explain briefly,that you had personal issues which made you withdraw,that you're a private person who didn't/doesn't want to share your problems and this is why you've been inclined towards staying alone in your room.

To be fair,Sarah probably had you labelled as "odd".You might have done the same had you been in her shoes.
Explaining briefly-without disclosing everything - might salvage the house sharing arrangement,and you both might learn to tolerate each other.
If that doesn't work, I guess you'll have to put up until the lease has expired.

Best of luck,and perhaps talk to a counsellor to help you move on from the personal trauma.

Totally agree, it's up to OP herself to explain however little or much she wants to. Personally I would disclose it, but I can totally can understand why the OP wouldn't.

seb65

I disagree. I think that Sarah, who is prone to anger, feels a real lack of control in her own personal life - i.e. her "relationship" with John and friendship with Mary. Therefore, she is taking out her frustration on you. I would bet she senses some sort of vulnerability in you right now and sees you as a punching bag.

Being friends with someone who used you as a booty call. Not normal behavior. Not speaking to someone for a week b/c they didn't give you a lift one day. Not normal behavior. Sarah sounds a bit unhinged frankly.

You have a right for your home to be a safe space. You have enough to deal with at the moment and don't need the mother load of passive aggressiveness banging on your doors.

You tell Mary that.

ahnow

Hey op, im sorry for you troubles.
Id sit your roommate down and just explain where you're coming from, that you're not in a great place at the moment and it's nothing personal. Ive been in your roommates position before, and I can see where she might be coming from, it's not nice living with someone that shuts down on you like that, especially if they weren't like that before, you would automatically think you did something wrong. She's probably feeling insecure about it. It would be a different story if you both weren't living together, but when you are it just means everything is amplified. And just in relation to you leaving early and not giving her a lift, when you normally would travel together, it doesn't look good from your end, and looks like you're being off with her, it doesn't cost anything to communicate something as small as that.
I'd sit her down and have a chat, and try to resolve things. When you're living with someone, especially one other person, it's important to keep communication open. Try and understand where she's coming from in this and how you'd feel if she all of a sudden started behaving like that without any explanation.
Best of luck.