performance anxiety

Foolscap

Hi all,

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. He is undoubtedly 'the one'.

When we first got together it became apparent that he wasn't comfortable with sex and have issues around performance etc. This was not an issue in his previous relationship. I was the first relationship he had since that one broke up. His ex dumped him and left him devestated.

After a year of me trying my best to understand, I bought books, gave him massages etc, he agreed to come with me to see a psychosexual counsellor. A year of therapy later, things are much better although he still needs to take medication in order to have an erection. We are both early 20s

In the meantime, I've started to hate sexual contact. I feel ugly, disgusting, awkward. I feel like I don't match up to his ex and sometimes wonder if he was still in love with her and thats why he couldn't have sex with me. As I said, it was never an issue in his previous relationship and I felt incredibly rejected for a long time, whilst also trying to be patient, understanding and doing all of our therapy excercises.

So basically, I am now the one with sex issues. I've never felt this way about sex before in my life, but even the thought of it makes me cry. As such, my partners own issue is not getting the attention it needs. Advice?

Tokyo

Considering that you are both seeing a psychosexual counsellor together, then surely you should be discussing this aspect of your sex life - your doubts and feelings about sex - with the counsellor too? The counsellor is there to help you both as a couple, and needs to hear your side of things too in order to help you both find a way through.

Foolscap

We are finished seeing her now. There is a specific program for these issues and we completed it.

I did tell her how I felt. But her response was that it wouldn't do my partners problem any good to be thinking like that and to get it out of my head. She didn't put it so harshly mind

Penny Tration

She should have focused on your emotional needs, too.

Have you discussed it with your partner?

Of course it's going to be hard on you, especially if it's methodical in that if ye want sex, you have to wait til he takes a pill first. Has he tried taking it without you knowing, and 'surprising' you with sex? Spontaneity for you might be good to make you feel he actually desires you.

Ask for reassurance if you need it. His issues aren't his fault, but nor are they yours, and it sounds like you really need to know that he finds you attractive.

StripedBoxers

Foolscap wrote: »

In the meantime, I've started to hate sexual contact. I feel ugly, disgusting, awkward. I feel like I don't match up to his ex and sometimes wonder if he was still in love with her and thats why he couldn't have sex with me. As I said, it was never an issue in his previous relationship and I felt incredibly rejected for a long time, whilst also trying to be patient, understanding and doing all of our therapy excercises.

So basically, I am now the one with sex issues. I've never felt this way about sex before in my life, but even the thought of it makes me cry. As such, my partners own issue is not getting the attention it needs. Advice?

Have you spoken to him about this? If not, would/could you?

Would you consider seeing a therapist on your own, to discuss these issues and see what may be causing them?

The Princess Bride

The fact that you both are so young, and were very young getting together- I have to wonder.
Are you putting yourselves under a lot of pressure, seeing you say he is undoubtedly "the one"?

A sexual relationship should be the most beautiful natural spontaneous aspect of every couple's life together.
Whereas it sounds as if you have had issues from the beginning.
And yes, I can understand why-given your post.

Perhaps you need to consider starting at the beginning again, dating without physical contact and see how things go for you both.
I really don't think it should ever be this difficult-particularly at such a young age when you'd like to think you'd have decades together.


Best of luck.

SterlingArcher

Foolscap wrote: »

Hi all,

I've been with my partner for 2.5 years. He is undoubtedly 'the one'.

When we first got together it became apparent that he wasn't comfortable with sex and have issues around performance etc. This was not an issue in his previous relationship. I was the first relationship he had since that one broke up. His ex dumped him and left him devestated.

After a year of me trying my best to understand, I bought books, gave him massages etc, he agreed to come with me to see a psychosexual counsellor. A year of therapy later, things are much better although he still needs to take medication in order to have an erection. We are both early 20s

In the meantime, I've started to hate sexual contact. I feel ugly, disgusting, awkward. I feel like I don't match up to his ex and sometimes wonder if he was still in love with her and thats why he couldn't have sex with me. As I said, it was never an issue in his previous relationship and I felt incredibly rejected for a long time, whilst also trying to be patient, understanding and doing all of our therapy excercises.

So basically, I am now the one with sex issues. I've never felt this way about sex before in my life, but even the thought of it makes me cry. As such, my partners own issue is not getting the attention it needs. Advice?

Ha so he has these problems and you are making it about you.
No offense ment humans are strange like this, sometimes our over analyses of a situation can engulf one to the point of reflecting it onto themselves.
You failed to find a solution so are creating a problem as the only possible answer. Manifesting itself in what has now become your own lack of self confidence.

The phrase Him being the one , is you feeling like you are the only one. This is not the case.

beks101

I'm not surprised you're having these issues. 2.5 years of sex being anything between difficult-to-impossible and nowhere near natural, spontaneous and exciting as it should be, especially at your young age, is going to take its toll.

People often forget how emotionally taxing and mentally difficult ED issues can be for the partners involved. Imagine climbing into bed with someone you're crazy about, deeply in love with and wildly attracted to night after night and not being able to be physical because their body doesn't respond to you. Imagine sex turning into "homework" and something you actively dread because you never know which way it's going to go and all throughout that you have to disguise your own feelings and be the supportive, understanding one.

Personally, and especially if I were your young age, I probably would've walked long ago as sex is such an important bind in my relationships and not something I'd be prepared to risk my mental health for.

OP, you sound like a very - perhaps exceptionally - understanding, caring and loyal partner and it sounds like your feelings have been swept under the carpet for so long that it's impacting you negatively.

I think it's time you take the spotlight off your OH, who seems to have had an improvement with his issues to have reached some sort of a workable sexual relationship with you, and deal with all the knock-on effects that years of feeling insecure and rejected have had on you. I think the low confidence and the self-doubt and insecurities you're experiencing just show that you're human and nothing more.

I'd second the idea that you find your own counsellor, separate to the one you and your OH met with, and work through these feelings with her/him.