Is my fiance stingy? Should I expect more?

speedy2007

Where to start - feeling a bit down right now, really short on money...for the past few months it feels like Ive been living paycheque to paycheque. Every time I get paid, most of it is going on bills and things just keep cropping up, for example, had to get my car fixed, then car insurance due to the same time etc..
I live with my fiancee and we split everything (bills, our upcoming wedding, honeymoon etc.) straight down the middle. I am fine with this, it's how we have always done it. I want to work and I want to pay my own way.

Sometimes though when I see other guys treating their girlfriends, I just feel a little bit bad that I don't really experience that. I shrug it off, but tonight he is out with some friends to see a movie and grab some food after. I said no because I don't have the money...that's my problem I know, but if the shoe was on the other foot, I would never head out with friends and leave him sitting at home alone. I would treat him, it would be a nice thing to do.

Also, as we are planning our wedding, a couple of people when talking about it casually say things like "oh sure your boyf is probably paying for that part" and I say no, that we split everything, but I always feel I have to sort of cover for him by saying that it's how I want it. In truth, I will probably pay more for the wedding than him, as I have to buy the dress and bridesmaids things, whereas he already has a good suit he can use and his best man doesn't need one either. He is saving a few hundred on his half of the honeymoon cost, as he has airmiles card. Again, I think to myself that it's his money and good fortune that he does not have to pay for suits and gets a discount on flights, but if I told my family/friends that, they would probably raise eyebrows.

Another example was at a dinner for his parents. He and his siblings were paying for the dinner and I tried to give some cash to his brother who had the bill. He refused to take it, but my boyf took the money from me (so reduced his own share). His family seemed quite shocked at this but I shrugged it off. I really didn't mind contributing to their parents dinner, but little things like that make me wonder if he is stingy and if I should expect more from him. I worry about what will happen when we have kids. I mentioned before what would we do with money when I am on maternity leave, and he just said well you will be getting maternity money wont you? That kind of thing worries me - any maternity pay I get will be a lot less that what he earns and if we continue to split things down the middle with all the baby costs on top of it, I'm not sure what I'd have left.

I know how old fashioned and sexist what I am about to say will sound, but sometimes I really wish I had a man that I know would take care of me. I don't mean I don't want to work and expect him to pay for everything, but i guess I would just like to know that he is there for me financially if anything ever happens. I would be for him. I spend a lot on him for his birthdays. If he owed me money, I would never ask for it back and quite often I just let it go. He always asks for anything I owe him down to the cent...he can be quite uptight like that.

Apart from this, we get on great. In fact, he probably has no idea this is even an issue for me. I have never brought it up. I don't want him to think that I just expect him to give me money or spend money on me..I don't want that. I guess it's hard to explain ...it's more that I would like the offer to be there, which I can then refuse. But just sort of knowing he loves me enough to want to treat me or to have my back financially would be enough without him having to do it, if that makes sense.

Or maybe I'm just jealous of friends who get treated to little things more than me ...I don't know. Does this post make me sound like a money grabbing, demanding woman who is expecting to much?:(

P.S. - sorry for the length.

R.D. aka MR.D

speedy2007 wrote: »

Apart from this, we get on great. In fact, he probably has no idea this is even an issue for me. I have never brought it up.

You should talk to him about it. Make it clear that you would like if you could share things a bit more like money. Maybe he thinks this is how you want things. My OH is super obsessed with money and told me that right from the beginning. I obviously have my own job and money so it didn't bother me but slowly he bacame more giving and would treat me. He still sometimes makes a big deal about splitting a bill or something but i think it's a habit and he doesn't mean harm by it.

Talk to him! He can't read your mind!

desbrook

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

You should talk to him about it. Make it clear that you would like if you could share things a bit more like money. Maybe he thinks this is how you want things. My OH is super obsessed with money and told me that right from the beginning. I obviously have my own job and money so it didn't bother me but slowly he bacame more giving and would treat me. He still sometimes makes a big deal about splitting a bill or something but i think it's a habit and he doesn't mean harm by it.

Talk to him! He can't read your mind!

Exactly - he may think that the current arrangements are what you want. For marriage to work you have to share and typically that means one partner earning while the other runs the home to some degree.
Apart from that he should enjoy spoiling you more than spoiling himself. How is he at xmas, birthdays valentine's??

Jerrica

OP you say that you split things down the middle, but then you talk about how he makes "savings" on his half of things. Perhaps I'm being contrary but that doesn't sound like equal splitting to me! If he has airmiles or a voucher or whatever, my idea of fair would be to take that off the TOTAL cost and then ye split the remainder (not so much if you were bf and gf but you're getting married so I think it's reasonable to approach joint costs as a unit rather than two individuals). Wanting to be treated every so often is fine if you're willing to do the same, expecting to be treated without reciprocating isn't. I get the feeling you'd be willing to do the former though.

Money and spending is one of the number one things that causes fights in a marriage so you need to have a chat with him now - if you both have different spending patterns you may need to devise compromises to sort it out.

daisybelle2008

speedy2007 wrote: »

I guess it's hard to explain ...it's more that I would like the offer to be there, which I can then refuse. But just sort of knowing he loves me enough to want to treat me or to have my back financially would be enough without him having to do it, if that makes sense.

Or maybe I'm just jealous of friends who get treated to little things more than me ...I don't know.

OP I think you need to figure out what exactly you do want in more tangible terms before you speak to you boyfriend. It is a little hard to understand and you keep kind of saying you are fine and don't mind but clearly you are not.

It might help resolve things if you are clear on your expectations (and they are reasonable). First thing I'd ask is who earns more or are ye fifty fifty?

I'd suggest you do the following

- Re-adjust how ye split everything according to earnings (earn more pay more etc.) make it clear this will readjust accordingly for maternity leave etc.
- tell him he is contributing to total cost of wedding (I don't understand how you say you are splitting everything but its just you paying for the bridal dresses). I totally agree with the above poster on his air miles come off the total pot.
- don't pay for things for him if you are going to be weighing up later and resenting him, like his parents dinner. It is kind of passive aggressive.

Definitely have a chat with him about it, or show him the thread, are getting married communication is really important. It is unfair on him if you don't let him know. But firstly be a bit surer of things ye can do to improve the situation and get your needs met. Ye should be able to come to a fair compromise that makes you both happy.

MagicMarker

If my OH couldn't come on a night out with me and friends simply because she couldn't afford it then I would not leave her at home without offering to pay.

You are getting married, you are now a family. Any income coming into the house is the HOUSEHOLD income IMO.

He sounds like a stingy fecker tbh.

CaraMay

That's so mean to leave you sitting at home but I do agree that maybe he thinks this is the way you do things.

I think you need to talk to him.

lollsangel

Talk to him, if hes that tight now, how tight will he be when you have kids?

missjm

There's alarm bells ringing here for me, especially the part about taking the money off you at the family dinner. If everybody was contributing to the dinner then surely ye were paying as a couple (ie. 2 dinners) and that would have been paid in one single payment? I don't understand why you were going to his brother giving him money rather than one of you, you or your boyfriend handing over let's say 100 euro and saying 'There, that's for us'.
As for the wedding, if ye were splitting it down the middle - you would be adding up the cost of everything and dividing by 2. That way both of you gain from any savings and incur the cost of any particularly expensive things.

desbrook

Just read you post again. He isn't even sharing his airmiles?? Wow OP your partner isn't just miserable your marraige will be too .
He ISN'T acting like this because he earns more - that's an excuse. He acts like this because it gives him control .If you earned more the only thing different is that he'd tell you what to spend on and make you account for every penny . You'd be cutting the labels off your dresses and taking them into the house in Penneys bags. Big red flag I'm afraid.

Sarn

I agree with all of the above, I think it is important to treat each other from time to time and not penny pinch over everything. His actions do seem very tight, the family dinner, expecting every cent back. There should always be some give and take. When you are married he will have to understand that your finances will be shared.

I might have missed it, but are your earnings similar? Playing devils's advocate, if you both earn roughly the same amount but your budgeting skills are very different I could see where issues could arise. This does not negate the need for treating each other periodically, but is something else to consider. As pointed out above, a frank discussion on how your finances as a couple are handled is needed.

bee06

I think you really need to talk to him and see how he expects things to go when you're married but his comment about maternity benefit would worry me. Me and my fiance see all the money as our money. We split bills and other big purchases in half but for everything else like the weekly shopping I pay one week and he'll pay the next week and we wouldn't be looking to recover money back if one week is more expensive than the other.

Definitely get it sorted before the wedding. Have ye done a pre marriage course? Differences in attitude to money is one of the things they cover.

LegacyUser

You are engaged now. It's often a stressful time, figuring out shared expenses for the first time, going from "each of us" to "ours".

We set up a new account during that time. It was our Bills/Daily Sundries account. We each have a standing order set up from our personal accounts into it each week. We adjust it proportionally. At the moment I earn less - so I put in slightly less each week. That will hopefully change next year when I qualify, and I will be earning a lot more than him. So I will be putting in a good bit more than him then.

Out of this account comes all household bills, all car stuff, groceries and all dinners/nights out. In other words anything "we". Out of my personal account I take clothes and hair, and anything from amazon. Stuff that doesn't benefit him or us as a couple. (We each don't have much in our personal accounts for that reason, our main outgoings come out of the Bill/Daily account for obvious reasons).

If we go to dinner with friends and have to chip in with cash, one of us drops it on the table and then reimburses themselves from the account later electronically.

The airmiles thing should not be HIS, they should belong to BOTH. You are a family now. He should be paying for half your dress, it is a legitimate wedding expense, no different from the band or the photographer. My fella saw all wedding bills as just that, wedding bills, with no distinction. We were doing it together.

Taking money off you at dinner to pay for "his" half?? That makes me shudder a bit. He may be a bit tight, yes. But it's ok to be tight in certain areas as long as you learn that it's not ok to be tight at the expense of the one you love the most.

You have to have a chat. But don't do it without having suggestions, cos he sounds clueless. Suggest restructuring your finances as I suggested above, and suggest sharing all wedding bills.

These are the most pressing things. You can address the smaller things, like not paying for your cinema tickets later.

Oh and OP, be careful of being too passive. It's only a short hop from there to "passive agressive martyr". You don't win any prizes for silently watching him go out the door to the cinema, and sitting there miserable all night.

P. Breathnach

It might be that he is thoughtless, but I am more inclined towards the view that he is being selfish in his dealings with you. I put it that way, because he does not seem to mind spending money for his own enjoyment on a night out, and does not think to bring his broke fiancée along and cover her costs (or, as an alternative, stay home with her).

I have a strong view that marriage involves, even necessitates, sharing. Spouses support one another emotionally, practically, financially - it's an across-the-board deal, both parties in it together and functioning as a unit.

OP, I can understand why you don't want to ask him to help meet your financial needs, but I wonder also if you if you help him to be blind to things. Do you try too hard to seem independent? Did you tell him that you couldn't go out with the crowd last night because you were broke? Or is it you believe that he should have figured it out? [He probably should have figured it out, but some people need help in seeing the obvious - we all have blind spots.]

I'll lay down a hard-line view: you should not marry somebody who is so selfish that he leaves you short when he has money to spend on his own fun. Now the softer line: he should be given every opportunity to show that he is not like that; that involves having a frank discussion of financial arrangements, especially the arrangements that would apply after marriage.

December2012

Money is one issue that couples should discuss before getting married.

appleb

To be honest, I am quite shocked at this! Unless you are going out spending money on frivolous things and as a result, you tend to be broke- then I think as a couple, you should help each other out. If my other half went out with friends and I ended up staying in because I could not afford it, then I think that would be game over for me. For goodness sake, if a friend of mine could not afford to go out, I most certainly would pay for them!
As for future Maternity issues, this would be a big red flag for me.
Me thinks it is time to sit down and have a frank conversation.:eek:

Katgurl

The biggest problem is that you're pretending to him, yourself and everyone else that this is how you want things.

So you need to sit down and talk to the man. You need to first have a bigger picture convo about how you're going to be a family and money will need to be more of a shared resource. Then get down to the specifics as other posters have made suggestions around.

He is waaaayyy off on the maternity pay thing. I felt most upset reading that (All the other examplea are bad too though). You'll be at home with his child. You're his wife. Of course you shouldn't be scrimping while he is enjoying a full salary.

Personally if this didn't resolve itself I would hear alarm not wedding bells ringing. It will most likely take a few conversations but don't give up.

On the other hand make sure you listen to his pov too. He could well be posting saying he loves his fiancée but it frustrates him how she can't manage heR finances (just an example).

Do not bury your head in the ground as this problem won't go away. If he won't budge and thinks leaving his fiancee sitting at home is a reasonable way to treat her then i would be having a long hard think about things.

m'lady

Yes you need to have a long chat with him, as I really think marrying him with all this agreed ( by not saying anything you are ultimately agreeing to his way).

There are two sides to every story in most cases, but reading your post I would say you are dealing with a very mean, stingey person, and it's something I detest in a person.
I can honestly say if my other half went out with friends ( I'm assuming they are your friends too?), and left me at home as I couldn't afford it, I'd be thinking long and hard about the relationship. I think the way the wedding is being paid for is unusual, normally both save together into one account and then pay for things accordingly, or am I wrong?

Tramps Like Us

OP it ses to me that he is still in the early relationship mindset of each person paying their own way. Why has this not changed? Because you keep telling him that you are happy with the arrangement. Simple as.

As for the meal thing, he took some of his money out because otherwise there would be too much and then everyone would have to take some back, you are reading too much into that IMO.

jane82

This is absolutely bizarre to me but I see it here alot in this forum. Splitting bills and keeping your own disposable income all for yourself. It strikes me as so mean and untrusting.
You are in a partnership now should all the money not just be thrown in a pot. What happens if you are out of work minding a baby? Does that mean you get a wage from him for it or just stay in until you can get back working. Does he make a note of the bills you didnt go half on while out of work so you can pay him back?
Id be having it out with my other half if this was the case but in honesty in all my life Ive only ever heard of this arrangement here.

m'lady

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

OP it ses to me that he is still in the early relationship mindset of each person paying their own way. Why has this not changed? Because you keep telling him that you are happy with the arrangement. Simple as.

As for the meal thing, he took some of his money out because otherwise there would be too much and then everyone would have to take some back, you are reading too much into that IMO.

He took the money that OP was trying to give to his brother off her after his brother wouldn't take it?

ShaShaBear

You need to nip this in the bud BEFORE the wedding OP.

Seriously, is he going to expect you to fund the baby off your maternity benefits because you are the one looking after it?
A wedding is meant to be a joint decision, not a "oh, he wears the suit so he should pay for that". Utter nonsense. You know why? Because if he only paid for what was relevant to him, and you did not pay for the rest, there wouldn't be a complete wedding. The total cost of the entire affair, for which you both jointly agreed to participate in, should be split equally between you both.
Pregnancy is a funny thing, it can completely change a woman, physically and emotionally. You might not want to go back to work straight away, you also might not be able. He should be there for you financially in a situation like that.

Taking money off you to pay for his half of the meal was downright petty and disgusting. Not offering to treat you on a night out so he could take you with him is even worse. My partner, before we were even an official couple, would offer to pay for my lunch because he wanted to go, and wanted me there with him. He paid for my drinks if I was broke, because he wanted to go for drinks and he wanted me there with him. Now we are engaged, and an outing for us both is simply budgeted out of the household earnings. We have a joint account, X amount is in it in total every week, and once bills come out, we can do whatever the fudge we want with the rest. I don't have to ask him for a loan out of his wages to buy clothes for our baby, he doesn't have to check with me if it's okay to buy a few cans for the match at the weekend out of my wage because his all went on taxing the car.

Write down what you EXPECT financially from him, and then write underneath it what you would LIKE financially from him. You need to get this clear before you end up in a broken marriage where you have to beg him for money just to feed yourself.

Katgurl

Tramps Like Us wrote: »

OP it ses to me that he is still in the early relationship mindset of each person paying their own way. Why has this not changed? Because you keep telling him that you are happy with the arrangement. Simple as.

As for the meal thing, he took some of his money out because otherwise there would be too much and then everyone would have to take some back, you are reading too much into that IMO.

I think OP tried to give her dinner cost to the brother who was holding the bill but he said "no, myself and siblings are treating everyone". Then her boyfriend took her money, he paid less than his siblings as a result.

baby and crumble

jane82 wrote: »

This is absolutely bizarre to me but I see it here alot in this forum. Splitting bills and keeping your own disposable income all for yourself. It strikes me as so mean and untrusting.
You are in a partnership now should all the money not just be thrown in a pot. What happens if you are out of work minding a baby? Does that mean you get a wage from him for it or just stay in until you can get back working. Does he make a note of the bills you didnt go half on while out of work so you can pay him back?
Id be having it out with my other half if this was the case but in honesty in all my life Ive only ever heard of this arrangement here.

I think though each couple has to come up with their own arrangement. I don't think it's fair for all money to go into a joint account and everything come out of that. Myself and my gf/ fiancée have an arrangement where we each have our own account and then we put money into the household for rent, food, bills, and some meals out etc. otherwise we keep our own money for clothes etc. I'd feel terrible buying stuff like video games out of joint money when my gf is never in her life going to play them, nor would she buy her makeup for example out of the joint account.

Likewise in planing the wedding I'll probably pay for my outfit myself simply because I want something that will end up way more expensive than her dress- why should she have to pay for my clothes, especially since I'll get to wear them again afterwards?

As for the op, I reckon one of two things are ahppening. Firstly, he might just be a stingy fecker, in which case he won't change. Or he could simply be at a slightly differing point to the op. He doesn't know it bugs her, because they never spoke about it. If I've learned nothing else from my 10 year relationship, it's that you have to talk about everything, and find it what works for you as a couple. Forget what anyone else thinks, or what X would say. Find out what works for you guys. But you can only do that if you talk.

meeeeh

Everyone makes different arrangements. In generally I think in a stable relationship the person earning more should contribute a bit more, it doesn't have to be with spread sheet precision but maybe paying for a dinner while the other person pays for the drinks etc. But that is just my preference. Once you have children it is a lot harder to divide how much one partner contributes because more likely than not one of the partners would sacrifice more professionaly than the other.

Your bf strikes me as someone who wants to live as a unit but keep his financial arrangements as a single man. I think that sooner or later something like that leads to resentment and I would want to resolve it asap.

But if you earn a lot more than your bf then your expectations are unreasonable.

gugleguy

OP, have you considered discussing a Pre - Nuptial Agreement in light of developments here? If this sounds unpalatable, what sort of outlook is likely this marriage to have?

When one partner reaps all of the benefits of sharing finances but bears none of the downsides when things are tight, it's time to have a chat about expectations.

I think he sounds very uncaring in that he'd happily leave you at home alone rather than treat you on a night out, and will take money off you to subsidise his meal. If you found yourself unemployed or on maternity leave, would you be happy and secure if he was the main earner? Or would be feel that you'd be expected to take a fall in living standards that he wouldn't consider his problem? If he takes your money is it about equality, but if you take his it's about being a financial leech?

Relationships are about sharing, he doesn't seem like a sharer.

Tramps Like Us

Katgurl wrote: »

I think OP tried to give her dinner cost to the brother who was holding the bill but he said "no, myself and siblings are treating everyone". Then her boyfriend took her money, he paid less than his siblings as a result.

I read it wrong, that is a bit strange alright

hardCopy

desbrook wrote: »

Just read you post again. He isn't even sharing his airmiles?? Wow OP your partner isn't just miserable your marraige will be too .
He ISN'T acting like this because he earns more - that's an excuse. He acts like this because it gives him control .If you earned more the only thing different is that he'd tell you what to spend on and make you account for every penny . You'd be cutting the labels off your dresses and taking them into the house in Penneys bags. Big red flag I'm afraid.

The airmiles bit is the really bizarre thing for me. He won't even share free money!

Chara1001

Op, your need for a frank and difficult discussion is really quite urgent.

I made the same mistake myself, my son's father and I were together for years and I always knew he was pretty tight, or to use his phrase 'careful with money' but it didn't bother me toooo much. We paid 50 50 as I was working, but when I had the baby my maternity allowance wasn't any way near my salary. When we discussed the future, we made up a lists of costs like childcare, rent, bills and divided it 50 50.
He didn't include my car costs as he couldn't drive but that meant i would have to bring and collect the child to and from the creche and as it was, my commute to work was an hour and a half because he wanted to be able to cycle to his job. My 50% pretty much came to my salary. I asked him to consider paying more as he was in an extremely high paying job and as it was i earned a fraction of what he did. He said no to my request, but I told him that meant if i needed to buy personal sanitary items for example, i would have to ask him for the money. His reply was that he would buy them in bulk from the pound shop.

I find the examples you give ugly, petty and grounds for some serious concern. I would never make that mistake again and i am now of the opinion that a lack of generosity points more towards an unpleasant character flaw than being just about money. Please talk to him soon

Fudge You

Chara1001 wrote: »

Op, your need for a frank and difficult discussion is really quite urgent.

Why hasn't the op had the discussion with her boyfriend??? A conversation will sort this.


Like many couples, who are engaged, money can be tight.
But if both people are working, I just don't understand why its not a case of - I spoil you, you spoil me, I treat you to this, you treat me to that.
Share the bills, share the food bills, share share share.

Communication is key.

seb65

Marriage is just as much an investment in your financial future as it is about founding a family. The two are intertwined. In order to fulfill the dreams you have for your family, you will need to work together to come up with the finances necessary. There is a reason why money is one of the most common issues couples fight about.

It is particularly true for women who, even today, statistically make about 20% less over the course of their lifetime than men. Obviously, one of the major contributing factors to this is the time women take off to raise children. My advice, when asked by my own friends, is to make sure the person you want to marry is both generous with a good work ethic. As a note, all my friends posses those characteristics as well - so it's not a case of me saying, find someone who will financially support you.

Here's why. Say you have a child and then you find out, God forbid, your child has special needs or some long-term illness. Most of the time, it's mammy who quits her job/reduces to part-time hours, to take care of the child. Say you, yourself, suffers from some sort of illness or disability that prevents you from working.

Do you really want to become financially dependent on someone who is willing to leave you, the person he is about to pledge his life's devotion, to sit at home while he's goes out to have a good time simply because you can't pay your share?

LegacyUser

I would agree with what the other posts have said here. From what you have told us your boyfriend is mean/tight.
I think that you have seen this side to him over a period of time. Along with this you have noticed that he leaves you sitting at home when he goes out despite knowing are short of money. You see that your friends have boyfriends/husbands whom seem to be far more willing to part with there cash than your boyfriend.
You have told people you are happy to pay half the cost of things but the reality is that you are covering up the fact that your boyfriend is to tight to pay his share.
Perhaps your friends/family have already seen this side to him and are saying about him paying for x,y for the wedding to see what you say.

The reality is that he has the money to go out, pay for meals ect but he is quite happy to let you pay his way. Your letting him away with paying for less of the wedding costs when you should both be paying 50/50 of these costs.

At this stage you need to have a serious chat with him and let him know he is paying for half the cost of the wedding. I would also have a serious chat about how you will manage your money once you get married. I would set up an account where both of you pay x amount of money into each week/month for rent/bills ect. I would also advise you to keep a bank account in your own name with your own money.

If he is not willing to chat to you about money I would think long and hard before marrying him. Money can cause a lot of fights in relationship.

At the moment you are working but what happens when you have a baby and go on maternity leave. Will he expect you to pay half the bills and for all the baby expenses when this happens? If you give up work will you have to use the children's allowance to pay towards the bills when he still has money to go out at night?

I would say to you is that a wedding is more than a big day out but it is about the rest of your life.
You need to be having serious chats about what you both want in the future, how you will deal with money, what will happen if you have children ect.
If you are unhappy or unsure about things now in regards to the above it is far easier to cancel a wedding rather then ending up in an unhappy marriage.

LegacyUser

jane82 wrote: »

This is absolutely bizarre to me but I see it here alot in this forum. Splitting bills and keeping your own disposable income all for yourself. It strikes me as so mean and untrusting.
You are in a partnership now should all the money not just be thrown in a pot. What happens if you are out of work minding a baby? Does that mean you get a wage from him for it or just stay in until you can get back working. Does he make a note of the bills you didnt go half on while out of work so you can pay him back?
Id be having it out with my other half if this was the case but in honesty in all my life Ive only ever heard of this arrangement here.

One big pot doesn't work for every couple and it's nothing to do with trust just being practical about what works for you. My parents had a joint account when they got married with both wages going into it but then my mother discovered my father was utterly useless at managing money and the account was regularly empty with bills left unpaid. After taking about it they agreed to go back to having their own accounts and a joint account for expenses - they weighted the amount they each paid into this account based on who was earning more as this changed several times through out their marraige. If one was short for something they'd no issue covering each other, like wanting to go away together on holiday etc. They found something that worked for them and that's what each couple needs to do, its got nothing to do with trusting or not trusting your partner, it's finding the best arrangement for your needs as a couple.

OP as many have said on this thread already you need to talk to your OH as in your opening post you come across as very unsure about your own view on this and I wouldn't be surprised if your OH wasn't aware this was an issue. You keep saying how you think you should pay your share etc and maybe he's just trying to do what you want. You won't know without taking to him. When he went out with friend without you did you tell him the reason you weren't going was because you'd no money? The flights for the honeymoon I do find odd as most couples would subtract the airmiles and then split the cost. Your dress vs his suit for the wedding honestly I think that comes down to each couple and the type of wedding they want. Myself and my OH had a budget for the wedding that was a 50/50 split and everything came out of that so we paid for the venue/food/band etc and what was left was how much we could spend on clothes. He told me how much he needed for his suit and what was left was how much I spent on the dress...worked for us but we had a very simple service with not bridesmaids or grooms etc and I wanted a dress I could actually wear again.

Emme

speedy2007 wrote: »

Another example was at a dinner for his parents. He and his siblings were paying for the dinner and I tried to give some cash to his brother who had the bill. He refused to take it, but my boyf took the money from me (so reduced his own share). His family seemed quite shocked at this but I shrugged it off.

I thought that you two would be able to talk things out until I came to this part. This would be a big red flag for me.

Write down all your concerns and have a rational chat with your boyfriend about it. Ask him how you plan to manage your money once you're married. If you feel that he's being tight tell him now.

A friend is married to a man who travels a lot for work and picks up airmiles. As soon as he has enough airmiles for two flights to somewhere nice they plan a trip away. He supplies the flights and they go halves on the accommodation and everything else. They did this while they were dating as well.

I think going out without you knowing you couldn't afford it is really bad form. However, it's only bad form if you told him you couldn't join them because you hadn't the money. If he knew that and still went out it doesn't say much for him. If he didn't know then you should both communicate more about money.

I think people should still have separate bank accounts when they get married. Have one shared bank account for bills etc. and your own bank accounts as well.

dipdip

Meanness with money is such a revolting characteristic. Stingy people really make my blood boil. I have one friend who always leaves us a few quid short when out for dinner, despite being the best paid of us all, and I swear, it is a barrier to even just being friends. I find it so miserable and joyless.

Meanness from one spouse to another is just plain unacceptable. I could not tolerate it. My partner is as generous as they come. Right now I earn 66% of our income but that just doesn't matter. We're a team! The thought of him home while I'm out enjoying myself fills me with shame!

OP talk to him. Ask him to be generous to you. Not just fair...but generous! If he says no, leave. Seriously. There are men out there who'd give their right arm to care for a wife and child.

Merkin

I totally agree Dipdip. I find meanness and stinginess quite possibly the biggest turn off in another person. I think it shows meanness of spirit as well and I find it extends to other facets of their personality too - meanness with time, meanness with joy etc.

I find what the OP's fiancé did at the family meal out unforgivable. It shows an unwillingness to treat his own partner to a meal and an inherent desire to put himself and his own greasy wallet first.

If he's like this now OP, things are not going to suddenly improve unless you speak up and speak up fast. He might not suddenly change a deeply ingrained characteristic but if he loves you then he will want to change, it may not be something he even realizes upsets you so if you are planning on marrying this man then you need to be really upfront about this.

speedy2007

OP here.
Thanks to everyone for the replies...although I was kind of hoping at the time people would tell me everything was normal lol

In answer to a few who asked, he does earn more than me, but not too much more...maybe an extra 10,000 a year.

Before I came back to read the majority of the threads, I spoke with him a bit the night he came home as I was still upset. I did not specifically call him mean, but I had bought some groceries that night, so I told him it was unfair that he was out having a good time, while I was buying groceries with what little money I had. He was understanding, he gave me money straight away for the groceries, and he took me out to dinner the next day. He also suggested a joint account set up that we can pool our money for household costs.

Having read all the replies at this stage, I feel I probably need to have another specific chat about how things should work after we are married and have kids etc...but his response to the initial one makes me feel a lot more hopeful that things can be better. I will probably not mention things that I did on here such as the family dinner etc..as perhaps this should be a fresh start for us rather than me rehashing things that happened before.
Is this a good plan?

December2012

I think that more chats are good, but you have to bear in mind that you had not expressed yourself about this so he was in the dark.

speedy2007

speedy2007 wrote: »

OP here.
Thanks to everyone for the replies...although I was kind of hoping at the time people would tell me everything was normal lol

In answer to a few who asked, he does earn more than me, but not too much more...maybe an extra 10,000 a year.

Before I came back to read the majority of the threads, I spoke with him a bit the night he came home as I was still upset. I did not specifically call him mean, but I had bought some groceries that night, so I told him it was unfair that he was out having a good time, while I was buying groceries with what little money I had. He was understanding, he gave me money straight away for the groceries, and he took me out to dinner the next day. He also suggested a joint account set up that we can pool our money for household costs.

Having read all the replies at this stage, I feel I probably need to have another specific chat about how things should work after we are married and have kids etc...but his response to the initial one makes me feel a lot more hopeful that things can be better. I will probably not mention things that I did on here such as the family dinner etc..as perhaps this should be a fresh start for us rather than me rehashing things that happened before.
Is this a good plan?

I think you have to give it time to make sure it's a change of habit, not just a way of smoothing over the cracks temporarily and keeping the peace in the short term.

I would bring up how I felt at that dinner if I were you, so that you can impress on him that this is the sort of thing that the vast majority of people would find unacceptably mean, both in spirit and literally. He has to know that you won't tolerate that kind of thing again, because it really was unacceptable. You're a unit, he shouldn't be out for himself and that goes for wedding expenses, living expenses, going out, holidays, all the things you do as a couple should be shared as a couple. 10k more is still a substantial raise over what you're paid, don't let him talk that too far down .

His behaviour with the joint account will be indicative of how he would probably be going forward. If he's putting in less and taking out more, or still leaving you with the everyday expenses while he has his nights out, than it's probably not going to change. Watch out if he questions you over every withdrawal you make, or if you find yourself held to account in a way he isn't.

I agree it's a hopeful sign that he's willing, and I really hope he takes notice and changes his ways.

P. Breathnach

speedy2007 wrote: »

...
Is this a good plan?

I'd call it a good start. You have more to do to get things firmed up.

Neyite

It's a good start op, but probably more needs to be done. It's a good sign that he took on board what you suggested so far and even offered solutions of his own. Build on that.

To give you an example, I got statutory maternity benefit of €262 per week for 26 weeks and took another 16 weeks unpaid. During this time we had to live off a much reduced income but as our money was already pooled there was no issue.

Crèche fees when I returned to work are huge- between 800 and 1000 depending on the crèche. I know that if we have a second child it won't pay me to work so we will need to look at that as a family when that happens. Contributions to the family are not always monetary.

So chat about that- see what his view is. Ask how purchases would work if you were not earning, would you use a debit card from a joint account, would you get a cash amount rack week/ month etc.

Similarly, if either of you were unemployed or got ill these things also apply so it is very worthwhile to both be clear on what is expected from the other and mutually agree your financials as a family from here on in.

Merkin

speedy2007 wrote: »

Before I came back to read the majority of the threads, I spoke with him a bit the night he came home as I was still upset. I did not specifically call him mean, but I had bought some groceries that night, so I told him it was unfair that he was out having a good time, while I was buying groceries with what little money I had. He was understanding, he gave me money straight away for the groceries, and he took me out to dinner the next day. He also suggested a joint account set up that we can pool our money for household costs.

Having read all the replies at this stage, I feel I probably need to have another specific chat about how things should work after we are married and have kids etc...but his response to the initial one makes me feel a lot more hopeful that things can be better.

I'd be hopeful too OP but the fact that you had to bring it up suggests that a. he is blissfully unaware of it and b. it's probably quite deeply engrained.

As such, I'd really encourage quite a serious sit down on what is expected from both of you when it comes to the financial aspect of your relationship. A general chat like you had is a good start but unless you're both very clear on what you are both happy with then you're just going to encounter more and problems which in turn will lead to resentment. Flesh it out now and you'll avoid a lot of potential problems in the future.