Boyfriend likes female friend

LegacyUser

My boyfriend recently told me that he is attracted to a female friend of ours. He refuses to tell me who it is but assures me that he would never cheat on me. I can't help but feel uncomfortable and also slightly paranoid about this revelation. Should I just try and forget about the whole thing?

Thanks

Tokyo

Hi OP,

this is one of these situations where context is everything, and unfortunately you don't provide any. There's a big difference between you two having an open discussion about your friends and he saying that a particular friend of yours is attractive, and him blurting out of the blue that he fancies a friend of yours but refuses to say who, and from your post, it's impossible to tell which it is.

If it's the former then I wouldn't worry too much about it - despite what the movies say, we don't just switch off noticing that other people are attractive as soon as we enter a relationship, we choose to invest out time and energy in the one that we are with. But if it's leaning more towards the latter, then of course you're within your rights to ask questions.

It all depends on how this conversation occurred really...

LegacyUser

I'm hesitant about explaining how it came up, but it was out of the blue and I was quite taken aback by it.

StripedBoxers

Without more information on how it came up, whether he said he fancies her or that she is attractive etc it is hard to provide advice.

Could you speak to him about it again and explain how it has made/it making you feel?

You won't be able to forget about it in my opinion, if it's bothering you enough to post on the internet and ask strangers, it is only going to continue bothering you unless you speak to him.

freshpopcorn

Is there any man out there that you find attractive other than your boyfriend?
Lots of people are in committed relationships for years but they still can feel attracted to somebody/think somebody is good looking.

LegacyUser

Sorry OP but being honest I'd personally find it very very odd if my own bf told me he 'was attracted' to one of my friends out of the blue.

Yes of course just because you're in a relationship it doesn't mean you stop finding other people attractive, and of course my bf and myself have passed comment and joked about x or y being hot.

But why on earth would he just randomly bring it up out of the blue? The thing that would really really irk me though is the not saying who it is part. Why bother bringing it up if you're not going to say who it is? It just seems really juvenile and if I'm honest a bit 'game playing' and emotionally manipulative in the sense of trying to make you jealous and keep you on your toes so to speak.

Now without knowing your bf he could of course just be completely clueless when it comes to tact but on the face of it, if it were me I'd be questioning his motives, not because I'd fear him cheating but because of the childish 'oh I fancy one of your friends but I'm not saying who' head fu*kery of it all, it just seems needy and manipulative not to mention attention seeking. Qualities in a guy that would make me run a mile and fast. It would be a huge red flag for me OP. Suppose in the end it all boils down to how long you've been together but if it's a relatively new relationship I'd be very very wary, very loud alarm bells ringing. If it's a long term thing and it's unusual behaviour for him maybe he's in a very roundabout way seeking reassurance you still find him attractive or something by trying to wind you up. Either way it's something I'd definitely challenge him on.

MagicMarker

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tell him you find some of his friends to be smoking hot, see how he likes it.

Other than that, dump him for being an insensitive so and so.

blindside88

MagicMarker wrote: »

Other than that, dump him for being an insensitive prick.

Probably a bit harsh as we don't know her bf or the circumstances

hfallada

MagicMarker wrote: »

Give him a taste of his own medicine. Tell him you find some of his friends to be smoking hot, see how he likes it.

Other than that, dump him for being an insensitive prick.

That is so childish though. I have plenty of friend who have had girl friend and been open with gfs that they like other girls. We are human and we can have feelings for several people at the same time. As long as they are faithful to the person in the relationship, that's all that matters.

How is the op bf being insensitive. He is just being honest. I seriously thought there is many people that can honestly say they have never have had feeling for another person will in a relationship. OP if you don't trust your bf, you need to question why you are you so shocked by a trivial thing

MagicMarker

hfallada wrote: »

That is so childish though. I have plenty of friend who have had girl friend and been open with gfs that they like other girls. We are human and we can have feelings for several people at the same time. As long as they are faithful to the person in the relationship, that's all that matters.

How is the op bf being insensitive. He is just being honest. I seriously thought there is many people that can honestly say they have never have had feeling for another person will in a relationship. OP if you don't trust your bf, you need to question why you are you so shocked by a trivial thing

Being attracted to someone is fine. Telling your girlfriend out of the blue that you like one of her friends is not.

I've never told a gf that and no gf has ever said that about one of my friends. For a reason...

My girlfriend knows that I think that some of her friends are attractive, because they are. I also know that she finds some of my friends attractive - both came up somewhat out of the blue, but it doesn't bother either of us. Probably because neither of us are all that insecure about ourselves.

ShaShaBear

Deleted User wrote: »

My girlfriend knows that I think that some of her friends are attractive, because they are. I also know that she finds some of my friends attractive - both came up somewhat out of the blue, but it doesn't bother either of us. Probably because neither of us are all that insecure about ourselves.

Agreed, my partner knows that I find one of his friends attractive. And it did come up out of the blue. I met him for the first time (he studies down the other end of the country) and I told him after we left that he was smoking hot. My partner roared and laughed, agreed that he was a rather irresistible piece of manliness and that was that. He knows I wouldn't cheat. I explained before. I know his friend is sexy as hell. I do not know if he treats women with respect. I do not know if he is generous with money. I do not know if he wants kids. Why on earth would I cheat on my partner with someone who only meets one of my criteria for a partner?
Incidentally, my OH doesn't find any of my female friends attractive. But he did see a pic of one of them before they put on a lot of weight and he did comment that she looked absolutely smashing back then. When she lost a bit a while back again, he told her to her face she looked great with the weight off, and the poor girl was on cloud nine for weeks! I took great pride in that - again, he knows this friend could be gorgeous, but he also knows she is a seriously clingy whinge, and I am not.

Nothing wrong with saying you find someone attractive to your other half. Assuming you and your other half have mutual respect for one another and complete trust and no insecurities.

HalloweenJack

I find your BF is being insensitive by not telling you who it is. That'd be a red flag for me.

meeeeh

The only way I would consider it a problem is if you are insecure about your looks or if you don't trust your bf. But otherwise I really don't see the problem.

retro:electro

It all depends on how it happened really, but what I don't like is how he told you he liked one of them but won't tell you who? Why would he bother saying anything in the first place? Unless you were plaguing him about it and then he said that to shut you up?
My bf is always commenting on how hot other women are, mostly celebs, but I couldn't care less cos he's with me so he obviously thinks I'm hot too!!
If they're gonna cheat they're gonna cheat, no point worrying about it,

Catphish

His admission to being attracted to a friend and then to not say who it is is insensitive and head-wrecking, what did he say that for?? The basic assumption is that male or female we find other people attractive, NOT acting upon is what matters. I think discussions like that are best left avoided altogether, it's not likely to end well.

Well we don't really know what happened - something tells me that the OP reacted quite badly when it was said. If this was the case, I probably wouldn't want to say who either.

P. Breathnach

Deleted User wrote: »

Well we don't really know what happened - something tells me that the OP reacted quite badly when it was said. If this was the case, I probably wouldn't want to say who either.

That possibility crossed my mind, too. He said a bit, saw a reaction that worried him, and thought: Uh-oh; I'm not going another step along this path.

Another possibility is that he is indulging an a very juvenile form of teasing.

OP, I think you need to be open to the possibility that this is a matter of making something out of nothing.

SterlingArcher

1937_ wrote: »

My boyfriend recently told me that he is attracted to a female friend of ours. He refuses to tell me who it is but assures me that he would never cheat on me. I can't help but feel uncomfortable and also slightly paranoid about this revelation. Should I just try and forget about the whole thing?

Thanks

Seriously beware they guy who pretends he does not find at least one of your friends attractive. Girls ha ,you want an honest guy when it suits
I
He probably only didn't tell you who because he realised you didn't take kindly.

If you that bothered Dump him. If you like him then let it go.

fungun

Its not 100% clear what you mean by 'Boyfriend likes female friend'. Id be fine with my partner finding a friend physically attractive, but Im not sure whether your bf meant he actually really likes her personality too, which could be more difficult. Also, having said that, he should really let you know who he is referring to, otherwise its just messing with your head.

tinkerbell

1937_ wrote: »

My boyfriend recently told me that he is attracted to a female friend of ours. He refuses to tell me who it is but assures me that he would never cheat on me. I can't help but feel uncomfortable and also slightly paranoid about this revelation. Should I just try and forget about the whole thing?

Thanks

To me, there's a difference between "hey your friend X is hot" and "hey your friend is hot, but I won't tell you it is, but I won't cheat on you".

That to me is a bit weird. There's nothing wrong with commenting on other people, but that's just it - it's a comment. I think it gets a bit weird when the partner commenting also then brings the topic of cheating into it. To me that sounds a little less innocent than he makes it out to be. ..

tinkerbell

tinkerbell wrote: »

To me, there's a difference between "hey your friend X is hot" and "hey your friend is hot, but I won't tell you it is, but I won't cheat on you".

That to me is a bit weird. There's nothing wrong with commenting on other people, but that's just it - it's a comment. I think it gets a bit weird when the partner commenting also then brings the topic of cheating into it. To me that sounds a little less innocent than he makes it out to be. ..

We're not sure how the actual exchange went. If he had brought it up that he found someone attractive, she freaked out, demanding to know who it is, then I would be a bit put off revealing who it was as well. It would also explain his saying, "but I wouldn't cheat".

It's all context.

RDM_83 again

fungun wrote: »

Its not 100% clear what you mean by 'Boyfriend likes female friend'. Id be fine with my partner finding a friend physically attractive, but Im not sure whether your bf meant he actually really likes her personality too, which could be more difficult. Also, having said that, he should really let you know who he is referring to, otherwise its just messing with your head.

Agree 100% I know girls that I find attractive, but if I was single would still never ever consider doing anything with them because I'm not "attracted" to them. Also as a serial mouth in foot guy I wouldn't automatically presume it was meant in a serious way but then as.previous posters have said.its about.context.