Parents Separated

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this.

I'm not sure if I'm looking for advise or if I just need to write this down.

I'm in my late 20's,single, I've one brother who's married and my parents separated a few months ago.

About two weeks prior to my parents separating I met my mother (I live away from home) and she was what I'd describe as giddy. She basically blurted out that she had met someone and she had strong feelings for him. She went on to say she had met this man while on holidays with my father just weeks before.
To say I was shocked and upset is putting it mildly. Firstly I was hurt that she said she had feelings for another man and she felt it was ok to tell me this, secondly I felt like I was betraying my father for even hearing this.
I told her that if she wanted to leave my father to do it with some dignity and to not get involved with anyone before doing it. I explained that I felt really upset and as I'm her daughter it's very unfair that she told me what she did. (My mother has many close friends)

It's very difficult to explain how hearing this made me feel but the underlying feeling was sadness. She later apologiesed for telling me all she told me.
At this point my brother knew nothing, so I felt like I couldn't really talk to him. I was holding this big secret inside and every time I spoke to my father I was literally doing all I could not to get upset.

Fast forward 2 weeks and she leaves my father, she had accommodation sorted out (she later told me she spent considerable time planning all of this). My father was distraught and I was very worried for him, like most men of his age he wouldn't be overly open about his feelings but to see him so sad was really distressing.

I now know that my mother is in a relationship with this other man (I am the only person in my family that knows) and it's really getting to me.
I don't want to tell my brother because I know it will upset him and he has his own family and needs to put all his energy into that. I just feel so upset and alone and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this.
My father still thinks there may be hope for him and my mum and has recently asked her to come home, it's really heartbreaking.

My mother has obviously moved on, she has been thinking and planning this separation for a long time, so she has had more time to deal with all the emotions surrounding it.

I'm not trying to apportion blame here, I love both my parents but I feel like I can't discuss these things with anyone. I'm not very open with my feelings and feel awkward discussing personal family matters.

Has anyone been through similar and how did you deal with it?

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe your mam was hoping by telling you, you'd do the hard part and tell your brother and dad.

Talk to your mam. Tell her she needs to tell your dad and brother, before they hear it from somewhere else.

Eeden

Hi OP.

That was very, very unfair of your mother to involve you in this. Obviously, she's in her own little world at the moment, though. If you can, you should tell her that you can't be her confidante: it's not fair to your father and brother, but most of all, it's not fair to you - she's trying to make you take sides and you just can't.

Maybe you should consider counselling of some sort, because your parents' splitting up is going to have an effect on you no matter what age you are - I'm inclined to think that if you are older, your parents might think you can understand everything better because you are more mature. They might not realise how much it can still hurt you, and make your whole life seem like a lie.

Tramps Like Us

Tell you mam she has to tell your dad and your brother - you need to demand that she does this really. If she refuses you have to tell your brother at least so you can discuss it etc


Down the road this could end up damaging your relationship with your dad and brother when they eventually find out about it and that you've known all along.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies so far.

I guess the angle I'm coming at, without wanting to sound selfish is how do I deal with this. I'm usually a happy, content person however now I'm sad, I'd even go as far as saying depressed at times and I feel isolated. I feel like I'm the person holding everything together. I'm going home to clean the house to do things for my dad, to make things look ok but things aren't ok. It's so sad walking into my home house and my dad is the only person there, it doesn't feel like home any more yet I'm trying so hard to make it feel that way.
I don't think my father will be able to handle hearing that my mother is with someone else, it's all so raw, we're talking about a few months here.
I feel like my relationship with my mother is deteriorating because even though I'm trying my best not to feel angry about her actions, I am hurt by them. I don't see why she couldn't have waited some time, considering she's married to my father 30 years before getting involved with someone (I have major concerns over this man as well because he met my father yet still pursued my mother)

I know in the grand scale of things, a separation is not the worst thing that can happen but it's all relative and right now this is what's relative to me. I guess that's another reason why I don't talk about the stress this is putting me under, I don't want to come across as if I'm complaining.

sadie06

It is a very sad and confusing situation you find yourself in.

I strongly feel that you need to share this burden with your brother, and then you can decide together what to do about telling your dad. You feel a need to shelter your brother, but I see things differently. You are single and a private person, so are mulling this over all alone, whereas your brother will at least have his wife to talk things through with. Having a sibling is a big advantage when you are worried about something you would rather not discuss with friends, and you are denying yourself this support.

Tell your brother, and do it soon, as your mental health is starting to suffer.

Good luck.

jaykay74

DLKB wrote: »

I don't think my father will be able to handle hearing that my mother is with someone else, it's all so raw, we're talking about a few months here.

Protecting someone from the truth is a tricky business and when the truth eventually comes out can lead to feelings that everything was going on behind your back (dad), betrayal etc. It may impact your fathers relationship with you in future. I can't judge this, I'm only putting it out there as a possible result of a "you knew all along" type of reaction...

I think all parties should know the facts as soon as practicable and for you and your brother to support your dad as best you can.

Paddy Cow

OP your mother has put you in a very difficult and unfair situation. She needs to come clean to your father and brother and the sooner, the better. If they find out that you knew and didn't say anything, they could be angry with you, which is unfair on you. Talk to your mother and try to get her to speak with your father. He is still thinking there is hope they might get back together which is only going to prolong his agony. He will find out eventually and it would be better if it comes from her.