OTT Boyfriend

LegacyUser

Hey,

I started going out with a guy from college just after Christmas, I had known him for about six months previous to this.

Firstly, I was very much attracted to him physically when I first met him but his personality didn't do much for me at all so I just saw him as a friend. He kind of wore me down over the six months, so much so I said I would give the relationship a try. He had the ability to be very funny and just a sound person in general so I said hey, why not.

Pretty quickly though I began to feel suffocated by him. Sorry if that sounds mean. He's kind of clingy, there's days when I get home from college and I just want to get into bed and listen to music...by myself but guaranteed, everyday he'll be around knocking on my door. I'm not one for OTT gestures either, for example for Valentine's Day he bought me a massive bouquet of flowers (which was way too expensive), a giant teddy, chocolates and an expensive necklace to boot. He then had a table booked at a posh restaurant in town and I just felt embarrassed and completely out of place. I had had tickets to a cheap gig in town for us which would have been a lot more informal and age appropriate I suppose but he threw a strop and we went to the restaurant. This isn't the first time he went into full on meltdown because I suggested we do something else. Plus we were only going out for a month and a bit by Valentine's...

Sometimes too he'll be really touchy feely towards me in front of our friends and that just makes everyone uncomfortable. If I don't reciprocate he'll sulk for the rest of the night and sometimes the next day. He even suggested I go inter-railing with him in the summer. When I said I had no money, he said he would pay my way but when I said I wouldn't be comfortable with that, he took it as the biggest slap in the face.

I did tell him after Valentine's Day that I appreciated everything he had done, but spending copious amounts of money on me wasn't necessary. I love simple things like him taking an interest in a new band that I love or even something like making me a cup of tea without me having to ask him! But it's like it just goes over his head.

My birthday is coming up soon and I'm dreading it, I don't know what he has planned but my friends keep dropping hints and I feel like it's going to be a giant spectacle. And I hate that. A few drinks in the student bar is fine by me but I know it's going to be something just over the top.

I know tbh we're not suited, I gave it a couple of months but it's not working at all. I'm annoyed at myself for getting myself into such a stupid situation. Attraction is one thing but our personalities seem to be polar opposites. He doesn't listen to me and likes drama whilst I do my best to avoid it. I'm considering breaking it off with him before my birthday but I dunno how to do it without him going bananas. The terrible thing is he said he loved me a couple of weeks back (already!) and that just makes me feel like a horrible person. How can I approach this situation best? Thanks.

Tokyo

Hi OP,

Unfortunately for you, it looks like you are learning the lesson of what can happen when you aren't upfront with a person from the get go. And while your boyfriend might very well be OTT as your thread title states, you have a certain amount of responsibility to take in this too, in that you didn't nip this whole thing in the bud a lot earlier, to the point where it has escalated to the situation now. And you should bear that in mind when you are letting him down.

You've pretty much answered your question as to what to do next when you say "I know tbh we're not suited, I gave it a couple of months but it's not working at all....our personalities seem to be polar opposites. He doesn't listen to me and likes drama whilst I do my best to avoid it."

The relationship is a non runner, and I think that you've known this for quite a while already, and have been putting it off as long as possible. You've let too much slide as it is by giving in to his strops so far, and he's become *way* too attached in my opinion - God knows you had enough red flags judging by your post alone. And you need to tell him that you don't share his feelings as soon as possible, before he gets even more attached.

He's going to be hurt for sure, and will probably throw the mother of all strops. But the alternative is what you have been doing thus far - stay with him till after your birthday and let him throw you a party, then there will be some other event that you'll want to wait until it's over, then it'll be Christmas, then it'll be Valentine's day again.....

Waiting is what got you into this situation, and it's time to break the cycle, for his sake as well as your own.

GreeBo

I think its also important to point out that your bf seems OTT for *you*.
Its not something that he is doing wrong, it just doesnt suit you and what you want in a partner.
Equally he might feel that you are not invested/attentive enough for him.

You need to talk about it, both decide if you can come to an agreement and go from there, no matter what the outcome may be.

gl.

Stavro Mueller

To me this is a no-brainer - he's got to go. The way you're describing him is putting me off the chap and I don't know him from Adam. Maybe that in itself tells its own story.

Personally, I think it'd be better to break things off with him as soon as possible. At this stage you sound like you're gone off him so much you'll not enjoy whatever present it is he has got you for your birthday. What will you do, for example, if his pressie for you is a fancy holiday break or something? Or if he gets you an expensive piece of jewellery will you ever wear it?

Mike's right about the timing. There's never a good time to break it off with someone. If it's not too near Christmas, it'll be too near Valentine's Day, his birthday, his granny's anniversary... If you do stay with him for now, please don't let this run on. Seeing as he's a student, it'd be better for his sake to have the break-up over and done with early in the year before exams come onto the horizon.

Czarcasm

OP this guy is completely disregarding your feelings and your opinion for what he thinks is love. He doesn't sound interested in you as a person at all, he just sounds more infatuated with the idea of what love means to him. Everything he's doing, he's doing it to make himself feel better, overcompensating and manipulating you, and when you don't 'appreciate' him going OTT, he sulks like a child.

You have to put yourself first when you ask yourself would it really be a bad thing if this guy fell out with you over you dumping him. It might just be the reality check he needs to learn he can't buy people's affections. As for his behaviour towards you with him being clingy and inappropriate around your friends, he sounds completely clueless, you're better off for your own sake just to call a halt to it. You'll only be hurting his ego, as I genuinely don't think he actually cares about anyone but himself.

StripedBoxers

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP this guy is completely disregarding your feelings and your opinion for what he thinks is love. He doesn't sound interested in you as a person at all, he just sounds more infatuated with the idea of what love means to him. Everything he's doing, he's doing it to make himself feel better, overcompensating and manipulating you, and when you don't 'appreciate' him going OTT, he sulks like a child.

You have to put yourself first when you ask yourself would it really be a bad thing if this guy fell out with you over you dumping him. It might just be the reality check he needs to learn he can't buy people's affections. As for his behaviour towards you with him being clingy and inappropriate around your friends, he sounds completely clueless, you're better off for your own sake just to call a halt to it. You'll only be hurting his ego, as I genuinely don't think he actually cares about anyone but himself.

I have to agree with this.

I don't know the guy but what you wrote OP has put me off him massively.

He buys expensive things and throws big gestures etc when you've asked him not too. He isn't listening to you and what you'd like and that alone is off-putting.

The best thing you can do is break it off with him as soon as possible, and preferably before your birthday, otherwise you will have a miserable day worrying and thinking about it all.

It won't be easy, or nice, but it really is the best thing you can do, for both of you.

Stavro Mueller

Just to through another thought into the mix: A while ago there was a thread where the issue of breaking it off with someone before or after a holiday came up. Someone posted about how she and her boyfriend went on a lovely romantic holiday abroad. Very shortly after they got home he broke up with her. When she asked him how long he had been thinking about dumping her, he said he had for a while. It ruined all her memories of the holiday, knowing that her boyfriend had only been going through the motions. Maybe for your boyfriend's sake it's better to break up with him now before he's too much out of pocket? He might be able to get a refund on whatever it is he has bought/booked.

Another thing you might consider is where to break it off with him. Perhaps it would be better to do the deed in a public place to avoid a scene. From what you've described of this guy so far, I can't see him going quietly into the night.

Katgurl

OP, break it off with him immediately and be firm. Even if he was the coolest guy in the world (and from what you've written he sounds the opposite) you are not into him. You shouldn't be in a relationship because he wore you down. You shouldn't feel anything but thrilled hearing a declaration of love.

Finish it. You are not obliged to continue on as his girlfriend.

Apart from all of the above he sounds a nightmare. I've had a slightly different scenario in college over last year or so where a bloke simply would not hear what I had to say and seemed blinded by his own wants. Do not underestimate like I did how much this can stress you out. You need to assert yourself. He may be upset but the reality is; we all suffer disappointment, you can't go out with him as a 'favour'.

Again - cut it off. There is no reason to stay in a relationship you don't want to be in.

LegacyUser

Hey,

After writing that opening post I actually went over to his place and broke up with him, I think writing everything down and seeing it on paper clarified what I should do. I dunno whether I fully explained myself in the OP because a lot of posters seemed to have wrongly picked up what I said (possibly because I stupidly said I was *considering* breaking up with him, so apologies for that). I *was* going to break up with him before the birthday occurred, I just didn't know what to say to him/ how to broach the topic. As I said he never listens to me.

I realised I don't owe him anything anyway, I gave him a chance that's all. He was OTT in my view, I know some posters think I dragged it out but I wasn't going out with him that long - two months is nothing really. Thanks everyone for the advice though.

When I told him he firstly thought I was joking, then it dawned on him that I wasn't and he got angry. He actually threw a book at me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Well that's done and dusted anyway. Thanks again.

StripedBoxers

RachT wrote: »

When I told him he firstly thought I was joking, then it dawned on him that I wasn't and he got angry. He actually threw a book at me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Sounds like you dodged a bullet there OP.

Throwing a book at someone because they break up with you? Unacceptable. And if you stayed with him, its possible he could have shown this behaviour further down the line if you had disagreements etc.

Good luck OP, hopefully that is the last you'll hear from him.

CaraMay

Omg he threw a book at you? You had such a lucky escape. Just cut all contact now as this guy won't go away easily. If he asks you why explain because he threw the book at you and that you probably won't press charges if he just leaves you alone.

Stavro Mueller

RachT wrote: »

Hey,

After writing that opening post I actually went over to his place and broke up with him, I think writing everything down and seeing it on paper clarified what I should do. I dunno whether I fully explained myself in the OP because a lot of posters seemed to have wrongly picked up what I said (possibly because I stupidly said I was *considering* breaking up with him, so apologies for that). I *was* going to break up with him before the birthday occurred, I just didn't know what to say to him/ how to broach the topic. As I said he never listens to me.

I realised I don't owe him anything anyway, I gave him a chance that's all. He was OTT in my view, I know some posters think I dragged it out but I wasn't going out with him that long - two months is nothing really. Thanks everyone for the advice though.

When I told him he firstly thought I was joking, then it dawned on him that I wasn't and he got angry. He actually threw a book at me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Well that's done and dusted anyway. Thanks again.

Well, that's the internet for you. It's easier to misinterpret what people are typing and to take things out of context Anyway good for you. I had a feeling he'd not take it well so I'm not surprised to see he threw a book at you. It's over and done with now. Enjoy the peace and quiet :cool:

retro:electro

Can't believe he threw a book at you! Boy did you have a lucky escape!

Katgurl

What a complete d!ck.

I'm glad you're out of that OP.

Sephiroth_dude

RachT wrote: »

He actually threw a book at me..

:eek:

OP I'm glad this is resolved and you're out of there.

Please feel free to PM a mod to reopen the thread if you need any further advice if this isn't the end from him, hopefully not