Long distance relationship - end it now before it happens?

LegacyUser

I've been seeing my girlfriend for about 6 months now and we're getting on great. But I see a problem in our future. She is currently working for a company that has asked her to transfer to an office in the UK. It will mean a promotion and a great boost to her career. It's not for another few months, but it is going to happen.

I don't know how to treat this. On the one hand I am thinking I should enjoy it while it lasts up until she moves away and then end the relationship. On the other, I was thinking that if I end it now, it will be much less difficult than a few months down the road when we are further emotionally attached.

You may be surprised that I am considering ending the relationship because she is going abroad, but I really can't imagine a long distance relationship working. I am in a steady job that I am very happy with and I can't see myself sacrificing what I have here to try and find a job in the UK. Plus, it would be a big step to move countries after only dating for 6 months.

Is there any logic in what I'm thinking? I really don't know what to do.

Tokyo

Seems like you don't see this relationship having a future one way or another, and are basically putting forward two options - end it now or end it later.

Why would you drag out the inevitable when you already have your mind made up?

Eeden

Maybe talk to her NOW and tell her how you feel about long distance relationships and the fact that you can't see yourself leaving your job. Then she can decide whether she wants to spend the next few months having fun with you, or whether she would rather cut ties and start moving on now.

macplato

She is not that special to you OP, is she? If she was, you'd be putting your energy into figuring out how to be with her, not into thinking how and when to break up with her. Did you tell your girlfriend how you feel about her move? Does she know her transfer means the end of your relationship? Why don't you talk to her about all this, and try to decide together when you're going to end the relationship?

Merkin

Well you've painted the break up as an inevitability so I don't see any benefits to dragging the arse out of it. Why would you continue with something you see no future in?

Break up with her and be totally honest as to why you are doing so.

CaraMay

I agree with merkin. Do it now for sure after all you are just 'getting on great' and not madly in love. Chances are she knows there is no future in the relationship and that's why she is putting her career first.

Emme

You don't seem to be that keen on her so let her go. Depending on where she goes in the UK, she will probably have a better chance of meeting somebody else than here.

You're already wasted 6 months of her time.

LegacyUser

I am/went through the same thing with my current girlfriend. Both of us were adamant we wouldn't do long distance, knew she planned on moving to London at the start and were planning on ending it when she was going (January just gone). I am the same as you with work having got a good job as a QS that I got out of a lot of hard work, 1.5 years between Waterford and Dublin for 3 days college and 2 days work for €100 (5days for the €100 for 4/5 months), so I had no intention of giving it up.

Relationship developed and we decided in December we both wanted to give it a go, its only 2 months in so is still relatively early, but this week my company is after opening up a position in London that I'm trying to get and if succesful I'm looking at a move in August to live with her, never thought I would do this especially since we are only 11 months together, plus I'd be a bit of a home bird very close with my family.

So I'd advise that you shouldn't break up if the Long distance is the only reason that you don't see a future with her (I'm not talking marriage etc because it is early), just keep talking about it even if it is that neither of you want to do it because it can change.

token56

I think its clear that you've made your decision that once she moves the relationship wont be for you any more, and I don't think anyone should be resentful of that. Long distance doesn't appeal to you and you don't see yourself moving to the UK, fair enough I say.

However I do think you should be honest with her now with regards this, out of respect at a minimum. You are being assertive in you're own desires in making this decision, and that can be respected, but continuing a relationship you know you are going to end in a fixed time frame is selfish in my opinion and I wouldn't encourage it.

LegacyUser

I found myself in a similar spot there a few months ago. We were going out for two years but she took a job on the West coast of America for at least two years. We discussed it for a bout a year before it happened that we would break up amicably at the point she goes away. Couldn't disagree more with a previous poster who said its obvious you have no time for the girl or the other who said you have wasted 6 months of her time. In my case when she left on the plane I was in love with the girl and still am. If she meets someone in America , that's the way life goes but I am better for having spent time with her and vice versa. I still talk to her on the phone although less and less and have just started going out on dates again. We are still great friends and the open communication really worked well for us. I think you could have a similar discussion and who knows where life will take you in a few years and you both could end up back together.

Agent J

I think people are being harsh on the OP especially claiming they have already wasted their GF time for 6 months.

The OP is possibly just being too fatalistic and seeing the end before it comes. Whether that is a self defence mechanism or a sign that they just aren't that into the relationship only the OP can answer that for sure.

The UK really isn't "Long distance". Depending where they and you are located travel on a regular basis is quick and cheap. Tie that in with the vast amount of communications tech available. It can be done with a little planning.

But you have to want to. (Both of you)

Have a think about it and most importantly talk with your GF about it.

LegacyUser

I am actually taken aback by a lot of the comments towards me.

Those of you saying that I musn't be that into her if I am giving up on the relationship, you are most certainly wrong. Of course I am mad about her, but seeing as we are only in the early stages of a relationship, I think career must take priority over us being a couple at the present time. That's obviously why she has chosen to go to the UK. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but I'm not going to stand in the way of the future she wants.

The reason I don't think a long distance relationship will work? Well, because they never do. Travelling back and forth every weekend is a big sacrifice in terms of time and money. Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to see her every week, but honestly, life will inevitably get in the way.

Maybe I am coming across as a pessimist, but that's the way I see things unfortunately. I hope someone can disuade me.

Agent J

longdistance wrote: »

I am actually taken aback by a lot of the comments towards me.

Those of you saying that I musn't be that into her if I am giving up on the relationship, you are most certainly wrong. Of course I am mad about her, but seeing as we are only in the early stages of a relationship, I think career must take priority over us being a couple at the present time. That's obviously why she has chosen to go to the UK. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but I'm not going to stand in the way of the future she wants.

The reason I don't think a long distance relationship will work? Well, because they never do. Travelling back and forth every weekend is a big sacrifice in terms of time and money. Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to see her every week, but honestly, life will inevitably get in the way.

Maybe I am coming across as a pessimist, but that's the way I see things unfortunately. I hope someone can disuade me.

I've known people who had and are still having LDRs. I know people who progressed from LDR to moving into together. I've known people who've tried LDR and it didn't work out.

Like everyone else who has ever been in a relationship there are differences. Some will work out and some won't. The fact it will transition to an LDR shouldn't be a dealbreaker in and of itself If you don't want it to be.

LDR are more work though. There is no doubt about that. They require more planning & thought but it is possible.

Princess Peach

I was probably about 6 months into a relationship when I got accepted to a a masters program in Canada. Either the idea of breaking up never happened or it was pushed away very fast, because I can't remember thinking it at all! We just talked a lot about how would deal with the distance.

Long distance isn't something people choose to do because it's great. Sometimes circumstances arise that make the only options do it long distance or break up. And I really think how your thoughts swing tell a lot about how deep down you feel about what kind of a future you want with this person.

You say the travel between Ireland and the UK is too much of a sacrifice for you, which is a perfectly valid opinion but if you feel the relationship isn't worth that sacrifice then I think you have your answer.

My advice is to tell her now you don't want to do long distance and let her decide if you should break up now or later, but do have the conversation early.

CaraMay

longdistance wrote: »

I am actually taken aback by a lot of the comments towards me.

People are responding based on the content of your post!!!

You want someone to dissuade you? No one is going to do that because you seem so negative / half hearted about it. It comes across that it's all just a bit of hassle for you. Of all the places to get to London is the easiest yet you see it has a deal breaker. It would never last given you are starting off with such a negative opinion of long distance relationships so better to break up now and let everyone move on with their lives.

Blured

longdistance wrote: »

The reason I don't think a long distance relationship will work? Well, because they never do. .

All that is missing from this part is you saying FACT!

I am currently in a LDR relationship that sounds very like yours. I am in London, have been for almost two years. I started seeing my GF a few months before I was due to move over. You can make it work - we see each other every other weekend (she will fly here once a month and Im back once a month). With things like Skype, whatsapp, Viber, etc it makes things easier.

It is a lot of work, but they can work - you just need to be committed to it. From the sound of your posts, you have completely written it off as an option - all I am saying is that LDR can work, Ireland-UK is probably the easiest version of it - so dont be so quick to dismiss it as an option

Faith

longdistance wrote: »

I am actually taken aback by a lot of the comments towards me.

Those of you saying that I musn't be that into her if I am giving up on the relationship, you are most certainly wrong. Of course I am mad about her, but seeing as we are only in the early stages of a relationship, I think career must take priority over us being a couple at the present time. That's obviously why she has chosen to go to the UK. I wish it didn't have to be that way, but I'm not going to stand in the way of the future she wants.

The reason I don't think a long distance relationship will work? Well, because they never do. Travelling back and forth every weekend is a big sacrifice in terms of time and money. Now, don't get me wrong, I would love to be able to see her every week, but honestly, life will inevitably get in the way.

Maybe I am coming across as a pessimist, but that's the way I see things unfortunately. I hope someone can disuade me.

At 21, I met someone over the summer. We went out for 3 months before I returned to college in Edinburgh and he moved to Kerry. For a year, broke as we could be, we did an LDR, seeing each other maybe once a month. Then I moved back to Cork and we spent the next 3 years living 80 miles apart, travelling 4 hours every weekend to see each other. Nearly 6 years on from meeting, we've been living together for 2 years, we're engaged and we're getting married next year.

I'd never, ever have believed that the relationship would work out, but we put a lot of effort into it because we love each other and we made it through. It was hard, and we did break up for a period, but ultimately if you love someone, you can make it work in my experience.

LegacyUser

After reading your comments about me not being 100% committed to the relationship working or being half hearted, I decided to step back and think about it. I realised there are some underlying problems in our relationship that I have just been avoiding and I may be using this long distance thing as an excuse to end it.

I really want it to work, but we have to address the problems first. I am going to have to sit down and have a deep discussion with my girlfriend and try to iron out our issues.

Thanks for the advice.