Friend won't take a hint

Penny Tration

I feel like a right cow posting this. I hope I'm not slated too much, but here goes.

I've been friends with a woman (late 20s) for several years (I'm female, mid 20s).

Thing is, I feel we've completely grown apart, and have been ttrying to distance myself, but it's not working too well!

She became jealous of me a few years back, because I lost weight, and would call me fat on nights out. So, i stopped going on nights out with her.

She spread some very nasty rumours about my younger sister a year ago, and things haven't been the same since. I called her out on it, but she defended herself.

As bad as it sounds, i don't enjoy seeing her. It's always me meeting her in her area, because she refuses to come out to where I live. She always wants to do the same thing, we have the same conversations, it's boring and tbh quite draining, as all she does is complain about a mutual friend and tries to convince me to sit him down and have a go at him! She honestly acts like a teenager and is very dependent on me (can't even buy a pair of shoes without my approval).

I've cut down on seeing and texting her. I used to talk to her every day and see her a few times a week. I now text her once every two weeks and see her once or twice a month, all initiated by her.

Thing is, she knows I'm being distant, and is clinging to me.

She is fundamentally a good person, despite my bitching. I don't dislike her. I just find it too draining to be her friend because she's quite childish and demanding (going so far as to demand i book days off work to see her!). I don't want to just tell her I'm done with it. I know that'd hurt her and I don't want that.

I just feel I've outgrown the friendship tbh. But how can I make her see that? I never initiate texts, I never suggest meeting up and when I do agree to meet, it's only for an hour to get coffee. Things haven't been the same since th rumours a year ago.

Any suggestions other than telling her I don't want to talk to her anymore?

skooterblue2

Hmmm Sounds like a dead duck relationship with you doing all the giving and with ... well .... her doing all the taking.

Read the balance sheet. Sounds like the life went out of this a long time ago

Tokyo

green_screen wrote: »

As bad as it sounds, i don't enjoy seeing her....

....It's always me meeting her in her area, because she refuses to come out to where I live.

This is the part I don't get. I know that you say that you don't initiate things, but in a lot of ways it seems like you are feeding the monster here. You might see each other less, sure, but at the same time when she calls, you come running.

The obvious solution to me here is - stop acquiescing to her constant demands. You already know that you have " outgrown the friendship", so why are you still putting in effort where she is not?? If you stop calling round to her when she beckons, and just tell her that you are busy or whatever, and chances are things will fizzle out by themselves. If she does call you out on it, which I doubt she will, be honest and tell her that her constant complaining and demanding is something you need to take a break from. It may be the kick in the arse that she needs, maybe too late for your friendship, but for others.

Penny Tration

Thanks, mike. I hadn't thought of it like that, but you're right. It's good to get an outside perspective that I haven't noticed myself.

I've refused and said I'm busy numerous times, that's when the demand to take a day off from work or cancel plans with my bf come out. I refuse each time.

I suppose part of me feels obliged to see her occasionally, but I'll have to just stop it!

Tokyo

No worries - we all need a little outside perspective from time to time. Friendship is a two way street, and it's easy to be friends with someone if they come running to you to listen to you complain all day long. If she's in any way as invested in the friendship as she claims to be, she'd have put in the effort long ago. Otherwise you're just an easy sounding board for her complaints.

Czarcasm

green_screen wrote: »

Any suggestions other than telling her I don't want to talk to her anymore?

green_screen wrote: »

I suppose part of me feels obliged to see her occasionally, but I'll have to just stop it!

It sounds to me like this woman knows well already where she stands with you, but she's manipulating your good nature to give you a guilty conscience and make you feel like you owe 'the friendship' something. Quite frankly, she wants you to remain as miserable as she is when she sees you getting on with your life.

The fact is really that you've grown up, while this other woman is still stuck in a time warp. She's controlling you knowing full well that she still can, and you're worse to be letting her because you're ending up miserable and drained from it while she's thriving on seeing you as miserable as she is.

There really is no nice way of saying to her "I don't want to talk to you any more". It won't come as a surprise to her, but she'll still think you'll be back, and that's when you have to remind yourself that you've moved on with your life, and every time you meet up with her she's dragging you back to a point you'd moved on from.

Big Bag of Chips

If you say you are too busy to go to meet her, she tells you to take a day off work? Seriously??

Just stop answering her calls.

Merkin

green_screen wrote: »

I suppose part of me feels obliged to see her occasionally, but I'll have to just stop it!

It's actually very easy to cut someone out of your life if you put your mind to it. Just pretend she doesn't exist, so by that I mean don't ever respond to any future communication from her, don't engage on any level. She will eventually grow tired of contacting you.

Penny Tration

Thanks for the advice. Tbh it was the kick up the arse I needed! :pac:

Guess I need to stop indulging all of the crap (obviously I have never taken a day off no matterhow often she tells me!) and just ztop replying.

Thanks again

jane82

Is it a new boyfriend? Is the friend suddenly taxing because you want to spend all your time with the new boyfriend?
This could be a mile off the mark but if its the case always make sure to find time for your friends even if its just a little bit when you start a relationship.
Your friends will always be there relationships come and go and all that.
It happens the world over people ditch their friends during the honeymoon period and then after a few years or months or whatever they want a bit of space from said partner and all the friends are saying "feck her she peed off and wouldnt answer the phone when she got with yer man now theyve had a row and she expects us to all come running".

CaraMay

green_screen wrote: »

Thanks for the advice. Tbh it was the kick up the arse I needed! :pac:

Guess I need to stop indulging all of the crap (obviously I have never taken a day off no matterhow often she tells me!) and just ztop replying.

Thanks again

How does phrase it exactly? If she is saying 'let's take a day off work and do something nice' well that's fine.

Dunno but you seem to enjoy the whole drama or it on some level or otherwise you would have finished the friendship long ago.

Penny Tration

CaraMay wrote: »

How does phrase it exactly? If she is saying 'let's take a day off work and do something nice' well that's fine.

Dunno but you seem to enjoy the whole drama or it on some level or otherwise you would have finished the friendship long ago.

I don't like the drama of it at all, which is why I don't text her and avoid seeing her.. Obviously I've gone about it the wrong way, due to feeling extremely guilty about the prospect of cutting her out. It's not phrased in a nice way, it's 'that's a joke that you're working 5/6 days a week, just book a day off and come out, it's not fair that you're working so much.'

I don't thrive on the drama surrounding it, which is why I actively avoid her.

Jane82, no, it's not a new boyfriend. I've been trying to cut down on seeing her since long before I started going out with him, too.

CaraMay

But you don't see that not being honest with her is creating a drama. Like why in the name of god would you stay friends with someone who calls you fat and does the other things you mentioned.

Did you post about her ages ago on here?

Penny Tration

CaraMay wrote: »

But you don't see that not being honest with her is creating a drama. Like why in the name of god round you stay friends with someone who calls you day and does the other things you mentioned.

Did you post about her ages ago on here?

I did, and started gradually cutting her out afterwards, after calling her out on her behaviour first.

Like I said, I don't like the drama but I completely see where you're coming from, too, and appreciate your opinion.

I've deleted her number and removed her from my fb now, so this thread can be locked.

Thanks everyone.