Don't know whether I should end my relationship

LegacyUser

I'm a 34 yo woman and I've been going out with a great guy for just over a year now. We started dating roughly a year after I got out of a ten year relationship that in hindsight was extremely unhealthy, with a man who was emotionally crippled, uncommunicative and controlling. While in this relationship I didn't see the woods for the trees but it is quite apparent to me now. That is in the past but I guess relevant to my current situation as I think it has somewhat warped my view of relationships. My current partner is the complete opposite; he's loving, caring, open, trusting, good at communicating, etc etc. He's absolutely fantastic but there's a but. I can't seem to engage myself in this relationship for some reason. I keep him at arms length, more than likely for fear of getting hurt. He knows I didn't want to rush into something serious and he's been more than patient about giving me space to myself even though I think he would like our lives to be more entwined than they are. We get together a couple of times a week, sometimes more, sometimes less. When I'm not with him he doesn't cross my mind a whole lot if I'm honest. Sometimes I call him when I haven't spoken to him in a couple of days, but rarely because I feel I want to be in touch and more because I start to feel guilty, like i'm neglecting him and being a crap girlfriend. I often feel like i'd rather be making plans with my friends for the weekend than with him, and when I start to feel like this I think 'this is ridiculous, i shouldn't be with him if i feel this way' but when i do hang out with him i have a good time and enjoy his company alot. There's a part of me that feels like i missed out on my young free and single days because of my LTR and I feel like catching up on that now, although I know that realistically its not as much fun as it might seem like it would be. I guess when it boils down to it i don't feel ready to be in another relationship just yet but at the same time i feel like i'd be an enormous fool to let this great guy slip through the net. I also feel guilty that i'm maybe stringing him along although he's pretty clear on my feelings. I thought that if we took things slowly that i would start to open up to him more but i haven't, we're still in that 'dating' phase after a year and i'm pretty sure he wants more and i'm pretty sure i'm happy with it still being somewhat distant. My feelings about him and our realtionship are completely erratic. i feel like I'm being a bitch, wasting his time and potentially hurting him but then when i feel i've made a decision to call things off between us i get this moment of realisation that i'm being an idiot. I see loads of threads here from women my age who can't meet a nice guy and here's me with this great guy who cares about me and i should be making sure to do everything in my power to keep him interested and show him i want him but something is holding me back. Any thoughts boardsies?

Tokyo

Hi OP,

For what it's worth, I don't envy your position, of being with someone you think is the 'perfect' guy but yet not really loving him and struggling with that guilt. And there's no doubt that being with an "emotionally crippled, uncommunicative and controlling" man for three years has affected how you view relationships, and is a factor in how you feel now - the question is though, how much of a factor it is.

You say that this guy is "absolutely fantastic but there's a but", and in my experience when a person places a big "BUT" into their question I think they already know the answer. The sentence that sticks out for me in all this is "I guess when it boils down to it i don't feel ready to be in another relationship just yet but at the same time i feel like i'd be an enormous fool to let this great guy slip through the net", and it seems to me that you already have an idea of what the true nature of the problem is.

The guy may be absolutely fantastic as you say, but regardless of past relationships, while he may be the perfect guy, he simply may not be the perfect guy for you right now. The fact is, sometimes the chemistry just isn't there, even though on paper everything should be great. But how much your optimism/pessimism about relationships is at play here, I think you need to figure out.

Honestly, considering what you have been through in your past relationship, I think that you should consider taking the time to see a counsellor about this. Your question seems to be twofold:

• Is my past relationship giving me trust issues over forming new relationships
• Should I stay with this guy even though I'm not sure what my feelings are for him.

...and I think that a counsellor may be able to help you to figure out whether the problem really is with you and your fear of really falling in love again or if it's just your inner reaction to a series of things that you're seeing that aren't quite right about the relationship.

Good luck OP.

LegacyUser

Thanks mike. I appreciate the feedback. Yes, basically that's what it comes down to. I don't know if there's something missing; chemistry, just not that compatible etc. or whether it's my relationship issues. I've attended a counsellor on an off since before I left my LTR (it was what gave me the strength to leave) and I attend for a few months here and there but then I often lapse due to finances. Perhaps I should start attending again.

Regardless of my reasons for not investing in this relationship (which I can't figure out!). Is it selfish of me to stay in it in the interim? I'm worried that I'll hurt / damage this guy or potentially cause him issues in future realtionships.

Tokyo

Whether it's selfish or not to stay in the relationship, I think that's a decision that you will both have to make together - but I do think that the right thing to do would be to tell your partner the doubts that you are having - after all, he has a stake in this too. You have been together for a year, so there is obviously something there between you two - and I think that it's worth the effort to find out what has kept you with him.

You seem to be treating this as something you have to act alone on, but rather than excluding him from all of this, you may find that by making him a part of confronting all of this, you may be able to move forward together. He is an integral part of this situation after all, and if you have been distant from him all this time, you may find that he has issues with the relationship himself, and may be relieved to at least know the reasoning behind it.

strobe

It seems pretty clear that you don't love him and aren't really into him. Perhaps you like being in a relationship and having someone mad about you, which is why you've stayed with him for as long as you have? It's a really nice feeling short term. Best for both of you if you part ways. At the minute it sounds like the relationship is just an obstacle in the way of the both of you meeting someone else.

Merkin

I wouldn't bother with more counselling. It's quite clear that you're not feeling it but probably feel like you SHOULD be feeling it because the guy is the antithesis of your ex.

I dated a guy a few years ago who I had great sex with, who was an all round lovely guy who was absolutely smitten with me and I just wasn't feeling it. So strange too considering I'd dated a few absolute dick wads before him but you can't force something either. I'm all for giving people a chance but after a year you really should be smitten with this guy and given you're so distinctly meh about it all I'd be cutting him loose and leave you both free to meet the real deal.

ManOfMystery

I had a really, really shi*ty job once, when I was 19 or so. So I left it and moved into a new job, which was the complete opposite of the old one - nice people, fun environment, decent money, and so on. Over time however, I still found myself longing to do something different and not getting up in the morning full of the joy I should have been.

I eventually realised I had spent months trying to convince myself I should be over the moon about the new job because it was such a nicer place than the old, but I had neglected to actually question whether the new job was what I really wanted at all. So I upped and left and moved into a field I wanted to be in, and am still doing that 10 yrs on.

When I read your post, I immediately thought of that. You can probably guess where I'm going with this!

BraziliaNZ

What's the sex like? It's a good indicator usually. But yeah, you're wasting your time here, 100% sure of that I am. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than with someone I'm not sure about.

Emme

OP, are you afraid to be single and is this why you're hanging onto him?

The guy you're with deserves someone who cares for him as much as he cares for you. He deserves someone who's genuinely into him and is serious about the relationship. Do you realise how many women in their 30s would kill for a man who is mad about them and would stick around for a year?

If you don't love him let him go and find somebody who does. If you let him go don't get crushed by the mob of possible replacements for you on the way out!

LegacyUser

Emme- you're being harsh there a bit. I'm sure hearing there'll be a "mob" waiting to replace her will really help her decision.

LegacyUser

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

What's the sex like? It's a good indicator usually. But yeah, you're wasting your time here, 100% sure of that I am. I'd rather be single for the rest of my life than with someone I'm not sure about.

It started off bad but it has got an awful lot better since the start!! Overall I'd say it's a lot of fun. It's comfortable and relaxed and enjoyable. There isn't fireworks.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

OP, are you afraid to be single and is this why you're hanging onto him?

The guy you're with deserves someone who cares for him as much as he cares for you. He deserves someone who's genuinely into him and is serious about the relationship. Do you realise how many women in their 30s would kill for a man who is mad about them and would stick around for a year?

If you don't love him let him go and find somebody who does. If you let him go don't get crushed by the mob of possible replacements for you on the way out!

I don't think I'm afraid of being single. I agree with all that you've said. You've basically just echoed my original post but with a tone of aggression and without any advice. Thanks for your time anyway.

miamee

OP, from reading your first post it sounds Luke you think this guy is a 'great catch' and therefore you shouldn't let him go but you seem a bit bored and underwhelmed by the whole thing.

Catphish

goinganon2020 wrote: »

I don't think I'm afraid of being single. I agree with all that you've said. You've basically just echoed my original post but with a tone of aggression and without any advice. Thanks for your time anyway.

I'm not sure Emme meant their post to sound aggressive op. You'll get varied responses with some very straight shooters mixed in.

As it happens, I'm in agreement with Emme in that you need to pee or get off the pot. If your feelings for this man are luke warm with him on the other side itching to move forward you have to admit it isn't a fair balance, and you're holding him back - but you're doing the same thing to yourself. You can't hold onto a guy because the whole package is what is what your your side of the relationship is based on.

You say when you're not with him that he goes completely out of your mind, that is not normal. I'm with someone four years now and I miss my partner when we're apart for long periods of time, and it's mutual. You've had a year, and you've been holding all the cards up to now. All the while he's still hopeful you'll come around and commit to a serious relationship with him. He has literally no say in this until you're straight up with him. Personally speaking, I think your previous relationship may have had an effect on you, and you need to talk to someone about that. I think it's time for honesty with your partner, give him a choice in all of this.

CaraMay

I don't know op. Please just take this as genuine curiosity rather than a dig but were you addicted to the drama of your ex? Do you like a 'bad boy'?

lmos

Hi OP, it really sounds like you are treading water with this guy...its understandable after LTR, it takes time to be in the single world again post LTR. If your are having doubts after a year, like others have said already, it really doesn't seem meant to be. Do you love him? Does he love you? The answers to these questions are so important....both he and you deserve to have that...if its not there....why are ye 'there'...in the relationship....talk to each other, be brave and be true....good luck with it all

moneyspills

If you wish to have a second chance at your relationship, you need to put yourself in your ex's shoes. You need to understand how they are feeling at present and invoke feelings of curiosity and attraction towards you once more. In other words... If you are trying to get your ex back, you must understand that desperation will only push your ex further away from you.

Watch this video here: <Mod note: youtube / videos are a bannable offense - please read the charter>

Goldenlady

Hi OP.


I can understand exactly how you feel. I am exact same age as you, was in a LTR for 8 years & when we broke up I went out with a guy that would have offered me the world, been loyal, dependable, everything I needed. BUT it just wasnt right. He was what people on here would describe as a great catch - good looking, financially stable etc but it just wasnt right. I stayed for a few months but had to be true to myself & let him go. Im not afraid of being single, & believe me being single in your 30s is soooooo different to being single in your 20's but I certianly wouldnt just stick it out for the sake of it. This guy obviously cares a lot about you, & I think the fact you are on here means you know its not right. Its so hard when you have been in a LTR so maybe you need more time to yourself & just live it up for a bit :-) Best of luck OP x

beks101

Sounds like the guy is "good on paper" but the chemistry just isn't there.

After a year you should be thinking about him a lot more and eager to include him a lot more in your life. As opposed to feeling like he's a nuisance and you'd rather hang out with your friends.

It sounds to me like you're clinging onto this one because you're afraid of being single, perhaps in an age-related sense. tbh you wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last to do this, but ask yourself some serious questions here: can you see yourself with this guy in ten years time? Going on holiday together, becoming a part of each others' families, living together, making dinner for each other, getting married, maybe having a few kids yada yada

I get the sense that if you can hardly bring yourself to think about him when he's not right in front of you, the answer to all of these things is a resounding NO.

My advice would be to do the decent thing and end it. It would be selfish not to

spurs1947

Hey I think just coz hes nice doesnt mean he is for you right now,I was in a relationship for 17 years of which I left with 1 year old twin sons I went into therapy for a year and didnt date,it was great I did meet someone else who i am with for 3 years but thats a different story (he suffers from depression) ...but you are right to the enjoy the relationship you have with yourself and your friends and when you are ready to share that with someone you will know...its okay to be happy on your own enjoy it