addiction and the hell it has brought me

daithiot

The emotional nadir of coming out of active addiction is like a mental rollercoaster. The road into addiction went largely unnoticed to me, but every day of recovery is proving to be a heady haze of gloom, self loathing and self pity. Recovery is a great word to describe the process of coming out of addiction, not because I have recovered, but rather am battling to recover life as it used to be. Any sign of self respect has been sadly missing for a while, and I have constant cravings for gambling and alcohol, the two things that have caused me so much pain in the first place.

The alcohol stemmed its head first. It wouldn’t have been the stereotypical non stop drinking, but rather an incessant need to binge on alcohol, and the desire for the next binge. I could happily sail through a week of work, knowing that I would be out of my mind at the weekend. Indeed, such an attitude has had me in a job I feel is really uninspiring and uninteresting. Yet, it funded my party lifestyle, and if I could burn brightly as a weekend warrior, I was happy to drudge heavily through the working week. Butthe booze blues began to get worse, and with retrospect, I can see the decline in my mental health correlated with the increase in dependency on alcohol I now had. I had, by this stage, been on regular medication for my depression and anxiety, and yet it never seemed to work. When I was told I would be on a dual diagnosis programme in treatment, which I arrived at due to suicidal thoughts and general despair, I baulked at the idea that I could be an alcoholic. “I can go for long stretches without alcohol” “ I never drink in the morning”.

Yet, over the course of a few weeks, I came to realise the effect that alcohol was having on my mental wellbeing as a whole, and came to know that I would be better off without alcohol in my life, for the time being at least. I was advised to go to support group meetings and share my experiences with other addicts, yet, in truth, I felt that I could do it my way. I wouldn’t drink. Simple as. And so began my quest for recovery. Things began to fall into place as time without alcohol went by, and yet I bore a deep grudge about how my life was turning out. I was in my mid twenties, after all, and life should be a rollercoaster in your twenties. However, I was now a non drinker, and I just needed to find activities that non drinkers do. After spending quite a few years with a hectic social life revolved around alcohol and pubs, this didn’t come easy to me especially in a small town. I moved to work in Dublin, and would, I felt, benefit from the social opportunities in town. Now that I wasn’t drinking, I had money to spare, and yet my anxieties kept me from creating a new social life.

I had always enjoyed betting in small amounts on football and sports in general. I would bet affordable amounts on big matches, and would get a kick from the anticipation/ planning etc. However, the day I set foot in a Casino, with a few extra quid in my pocket, to pass a few hours, condemned me to a replacement addiction, without my knowing it, for my alcoholism. I remember putting small amounts into the slot machine and I won big money. This was easy, it seemed, the more money you put in, the more you got it. What a feeling it was leaving with 10 times the amount I went in with. This could be a beneficial pastime I thought.

But I wanted more, from the start. And big wins came on occasion. Yet, over time, it seemed to get harder to walk out with these wins, as the desire for more grew. I can look now and see that I would never win enough to walk away, but at the time, I felt I was on to a winner. As it became harder for me to leave with money up, I began to get more desperate, remembering those rosy days and weeks when Id win big and leave. Now it seemed all money I could get my hands on would be put to good use making “more money” in the slot machines. Yet, I seemed to be losing a lot more than I was winning. Desperately chasing my now increasing losses, I began to despise the very machines I so longed for not long before.
Yet, it persisted in my head. The next time will be different. The next time is always going to be different. Indeed, if I throw my mind back to my drinking days, the exact same thought brought me back time and again to excessive binges. The next time will be different. And so it continued, until I could no longer take living on lifes terms, and was admitted to psychiatric care. Time is a great healer, and a few weeks respite had me believing my problem with gambling was behind me. But the thought just came back. The next time will be different.

As I had done before with alcohol, I thought I could control my betting now, I had a fresh perspective. Yet addiction is a progressive illness, and within weeks my addiction was now all consuming, and all my time was spent battling the urge to gamble. Things came to a head rather quickly this time around, due to the progressive nature of the illness, I was gambling more than ever, and in a rare moment of clarity, I felt that I should do a more intense course of treatment for both of my addictions. This treatment was all encompassing, and would lead me to realise that wholesale lifestyle changes were required, and that this could not be done alone. My positivity and optimism after a few weeks had me feeling confident that I had this thing under control, the incessant longing for more was quelled. Yet, I was taking an A la carte approach to recovery, thinking I could do it on my own terms. The next time will be different, I thought once again. Within weeks I was back to my painful worst, and the lies/secrecy were now second nature to me. I was lying to myself, most of all, that I was alright again, cured, so to speak, and this complacency had me back to square one. I have realised, through the error of my own complacency, that addiction has me gripped. I need to put more into recovery than I ever put into my addiction. I know that this will come back to bite me on the arse if I am not prepared with the armoury of communication, through the medium of support groups. Recovery, I hear in support groups, is an action based process, and cannot be learned. In the height of my active addiction, I was all consumed by it. I see more and more, that I need to be all consumed by recovery. Every day I get that old nagging thought “the next time will be different”. Yet, for myself and many thousands out there, yes the next time is different, it is worse. By not having that first drink, that first bet, I can stay away from it. So maybe the next time WILL be different this time. Maybe.

I wrote the above, while quite confident in my recovery, last week. Yesterday, I went in to a casino again, and lost everything, the betting is indeed progressively worse. I am in a worse financial situation than I have ever been in, and my head is wrecked beyond comprehension.

daithiot

I have written the above in a blog
http://depressedaddicted.blogspot.ie/ is the address

jimmer123

A sad story well written, very sorry for your troubles pal. Keep searching and you will find the right support group or person to help you overcome these terrible afflictions. Don't ever give up the fight.

daithiot

Thanks Jimmer, I have to be honest, I have been quite suicidal of late, but I havent given up the fight yet

sopretty

Relapse unfortunately, is a common occurrence. Don't beat yourself up about it. Get back on that horse. Just one more day. Avail of whatever after-care support is there for you.

jimmer123

I done this course a good few years ago http://www.nosp.ie/html/training.html but I feel a little rusty. I would encourage you to talk to someone and not to keep these suicidal thoughts to yourself.

markesmith

daithiot, I have heard that 'The Power of Now' is a good read in a situation like the one you're in. Don't keep it bottled up, talk to someone about it.

Good luck.

souls

You have my deepest sympathies Daithi.. Don't be too hard on yourself friend,remember the night is darkest just before the dawn.. everybody is different in there own approach to recovery..dont give up. have a look through old posts and threads on here and indeed other sites and links people suggest.. something might catch your eye that resonates with you! human beings are natural survivors and that instinct to survive is in you as it is in all of us.