Lying to my face

LegacyUser

It has recently come to my attention that my OH has been lying to me, right to my face and its only since sat that I realised just how much and now I feel so hurt, more so about being lied to that waht hes been lying about and hiding from me

Over the past few weeks I've noticed small little white lies, for example not admitting to eating things when clearly the packet is in the bin and Iv just washed the plate that had the remains all over it and theres only the two of us in the house. they've been small minor things that I havn't taken much notice of or brought him up over it because I assumed it was harmless.

To put things in context his days off are wed and sun so normally stays up a later than me on those nights as I'm either working the next day or as I'm generally not a huge night owl, however the last few weeks hes been getting later and later (3.30/4.30am). I often wake slightly when he would get into bed and groggily inquire what time it was, the last few times it was very late I commented and was told 'oh I fell asleep on the couch'. I thought nothing of it really and left it alone.

Now to put another point in context he gave up smoking over 6 months ago and has been using those e-cigarettes (Which I don't like, but thats another issue for another day) but part of me sometimes suspected he was still having the odd one because I'd get a whiff of it in the house (even though he never smoked in the house when he did smoke you would alway get the whiff when he had gone out for one) and there is always waaaayyy too many lighters around the house, We have a box of them in the spare room that I go to to get one to light the fire etc but I now find them in the bed room, in his pockets etc, and the other day saw found one of those ones that give out the strong jet of flame (definatly a new one) a bit suss.
So the odd time when I'm cleaning around I'd have a quick peek in his work bag, more to settle my own suspissions and all that was ever there was a spare tooth brush and tooth paste-nothing to raise too much suspision.
Until on sunday when I discovered a packet of rizla papers, a pipe for smoking weed and some balled up lenor tumble drier sheets. Now I know he used smoke weed before, and to be honest while I don't particularly like the idea of him doing it my main issue and whats got me so upset and annoyed is the lying and hiding it from me.
Hes off today so was up late last night and I was going to get up around 1ish and see if I could confront him, but I chickened out. I woke when he came to bed asked what time it was and he said half 2, even though I checked my phone and it was half 3 and when he got in he was cold as if he was most definatly outside. I casually commented on this and he just replied 'oh I dont feel cold at all'. This morn his bag contained an old empty vitamin box that was empty and reeked of weed.
Now I'm the one feeling cold and I start shaking whne I think of it, I'm even shaking typing this.
He's a private-ish person anyway and we've had fights before over him not talking to me over things (think normal guy not talking about things and multiply it by 100).

I need to confromt him over this, but I cant do it the way it is now because he'll freak for me going through his bag (which I know isnt the greatest thing to own up to doing) Should I wait till sat night and try catch him doing it again?
At the moment I feel like I can't trust anything he says now and am second guessing everything he does.
What am I to do?

If you've read to the end, thanks, I'm aware I can ramble on a bit

Tokyo

OP, you've answered your own question, and it's the same answer you're going to get from everybody here. Obviously his using weed is an issues for you, but you need to sit down and speak to him about this and confront him. At the moment you're quite capable of snooping through his things, or giving an itemised breakdown of events on the internet, and your plan is now to snoop until you catch him in the act again??!

You need to sit down and actually talk to your partner about the weed usage, and about the white lies before deciding what to do next. Not playing games, which is what you are doing now.

Paulie Gualtieri

You need to talk about it but not in a "I caught you" kind of way.

You're his partner/gf not his mother. If he feels like he's being grilled you'll probably make the situation worse. Confront him in a nice way and see his reaction. Don't talk down to him just voice your concerns. And go from there.

Maybe leave out the part where you went through his stuff. Say something along the lines of you don't seem yourself , your not back smoking weed or whatever.

You're going through your partners things behind his back. I don't think you can complain much about being lied to when you engage in underhanded behaviour yourself.

You can ask him about his lying about weed or having snacks or whatever, but make sure in the spirit of full disclosure you admit to going through his things in a effort to catch him out.

I personally think it's unreasonable to expect impeccable behaviour from other people when you don't hold yourself to the same standard.

username123

You live together so its reasonable to assume you both see the contents of each others bags/pockets/etc when doing washes/tidying up. I know I frequently upend or knock over bags cleaning and stuff drops out of trouser pockets in the laundry basket etc.

I dont really see the big deal re you looking in his bag then again my bag sits wide open at home and if my OH looked in it I wouldnt care less.

People who get over morally outraged about seeing inside a bag in a shared living space do so because they have something to hide imo. If there was nothing to hide why would you care?

I dont know why you didnt just produce the contents of what you found there and then and question it.

Why all the sneaking around? Just say what you think and what you found. Any outrage about looking in his bag falls a bit flat in the face of the extent of lying to you! Candies excellent point above holds both ways, he can hardly give out about you looking in his bag when he is engaging in lying and hidden behaviours now can he?

Life isnt a game, if youve something to say to your partner - say it! Stop sneaking around it.

Czarcasm

OP I'm actually wondering about the behaviour of both of you tbh. You don't give any context as to what ages you both are or how long you're living together, how long you've been going out, but your household sounds like the War of the Roses the way the pair of you are going on. It doesn't sound like either of you are happy in your relationship.

I'm sure there's times when everything is lovely of course but the way you're acting, it really does sound like you're trying to control your boyfriends behaviour, and he's rallying against you at every turn, and in turn you're spending your time 'catching him out' when he lies to you, again, and again, aaaand again.

I'm just wondering would the two of you not be better off splitting up as it doesn't sound like either of you know how to communicate with each other, and it doesn't sound like either of you are willing to even try, because you're both getting your kicks out of getting one up on each other almost.

As username123 points out, it sounds like you're just playing silly games with each other, and I honestly don't see the makings of a happy relationship. Fine, the guy is entitled to be a private person and maybe that's just his form, but in a relationship he HAS to communicate with you, and by that same token, you shouldn't need to spend all your time pointing out his faults. That's not the best way to communicate either.

But both of you avoiding each other and avoiding these issues is what's letting them spiral out of control, and both of you need to sit down in a room and thrash it out as Candie says in the interests of full disclosure, because right now it's not just the weed is making the atmosphere toxic in your relationship.

Obliq

Hurt2014 wrote: »

my OH has been lying to me, right to my face and its only since sat that I realised just how much and now I feel so hurt, more so about being lied to that waht hes been lying about and hiding from me

Over the past few weeks I've noticed small little white lies,


Now to put another point in context he gave up smoking over 6 months ago and has been using those e-cigarettes (Which I don't like, but thats another issue for another day) but part of me sometimes suspected he was still having the odd one because I'd get a whiff of it in the house (even though he never smoked in the house when he did smoke you would alway get the whiff when he had gone out for one)

So the odd time when I'm cleaning around I'd have a quick peek in his work bag, more to settle my own suspissions

Now I know he used smoke weed before, and to be honest while I don't particularly like the idea of him doing it my main issue and whats got me so upset and annoyed is the lying and hiding it from me.

see if I could confront him, but I chickened out.

Now I'm the one feeling cold and I start shaking whne I think of it, I'm even shaking typing this.

He's a private-ish person anyway and we've had fights before over him not talking to me over things (think normal guy not talking about things and multiply it by 100).

I need to confromt him over this, but I cant do it the way it is now because he'll freak for me going through his bag (which I know isnt the greatest thing to own up to doing) Should I wait till sat night and try catch him doing it again?

At the moment I feel like I can't trust anything he says now and am second guessing everything he does.

I've left in the parts of your post that are ringing every alarm bell I have OP. Tbh, I don't even come that heavy with my nearly 16 yr old, because I know that it is much more important to keep open the line of communication between us than to be in charge of everything he does.

I honestly thought from your first sentence that he was having an affair, from your extreme panic over the "lies". Ok, so it's not ideal that he has clearly caved in and taken up smoking again (whether tobacco, weed or both), but really - it a) doesn't sound like he's caning it, and b) is not exactly uncommon. Tobacco is one of the most addictive substances on earth.

About the lying. Any chance at all that your potential level of disapproval corresponds in ANY way, shape or form to the way he is trying to hide it from you? Perhaps he hates to disappoint you, and you certainly do seem particularly disappointed in him about his habits........

What am I to do?

Read yourself back and just have a recheck that he's not 10 and you're not his mammy. Don't want to offend you, but seriously - you're shaking while typing that?? Mate, you seem to have a control issue. Perhaps that's part of why he is so insistent about privacy?

strobe

Lying is never good and you really shouldn't do it in a relationship, there's always a better option.

But... honestly, your post gives the impression that you are an over the top control freak and major drama queen that treats her partner like a child or an employee. I wouldn't go so far as to call it abusive but then we only have your side of things. If this is the stuff you admit to when you think your partner is the one in the wrong, what are you leaving out?

People ideally shouldn't lie to there partners, even only over relatively small things, as it chips away at the trust that needs to exist in a relationship.

But Jesus Christ... you don't come across well at all in your OP. I genuinely think you should talk to your partner about whether or not he is happy in the relationship... and I'd be a little surprised if he didn't express serious dissatisfaction with things and hadn't been thinking about ending things for at least a time. That's if he isn't too afraid of your reaction and that you might go off on one.

Chara1001

God Op, I'd probably lie too if i were him...
Actually I did- to an ex who used to check up on me. I lied because of his over the top reactions op, maybe like your boyfriend?

Merkin

Hurt2014 wrote: »

Hes off today so was up late last night and I was going to get up around 1ish and see if I could confront him, but I chickened out.

I agree with Czarcasm above, there seems to be a very strange relationship dynamic with a total breakdown of communication (combined with a generous dose of mutual suspicion and mistrust) between the pair of you.

The lying about smoking, the rooting through bags all seem symptomatic of much bigger issues to be honest. Have you ever actually sat down together and addressed head on whether you are both happy in your relationship?

zoobizoo

why not try the humorous route and say with a smile "here buddy, I know you're smoking the dube".....

"will you ever stop trying to kid me - you can't you know"

Done in this way, he's more likely to open up. . .

Sounds like he's lying to you as he doesn't want to upset your or make you feel disappointed in him.

Idle Passerby

Personally I dont really see what there is to be so upset about.

He lied about whether or not he ate some food that was already in the house - why is that an issue?

He lied about the time he came to bed - so what, it was late maybe he was guessing the time

He has apparently lapsed in his attempt to quit smoking. I can see what that would disappoint you but as others have said, quitting isn't easy, give him some support rather than trying to catch him out and shame him over it.

These appear to be the entirety of the issues you mention. Asides from being slightly annoying that he wont just come out and tell you the truth about the smoking, 'lieing' about his snacking habits and bed time is a ridiculous thing to find fault with.

LegacyUser

I think you're all being really unfair to the OP.

If the boyfriend wasn't lying to her about stupid stuff in the first place she wouldn't be so suspicious. Sounds more like her boyfriend is a pathological liar. What grown man lies about eating food?

I really hate when people get sh** for checking partners email, bags, phones or whatever when their partner is clearly lying to them but they don't have the means to prove it.

OP, my ex lied about the most insane, nonsense, incomprehensible stuff. Stuff that I could never get my head around. I'd say "So where did you and the lads go Saturday?" and he'd answer "Murphy's pub", then I'd be out in the town, bump into his friend and say "How was Murphy's?" and he'd say "We went to Kellys, not Murphys". I'd ask my ex why he'd lie over something so stupid and he'd shrug his shoulders and say "I dunno".

3 years of this and I wouldn't have believed him if he told me his own name so he was dumped.

I don't know why he's lying to you OP, and the fact that you're going through his stuff is a sure sign you've lost trust in him. But the other posters need to stop focusing on that and instead focus on the fact that his stupid lies have made you mistrust him in the first place.

LegacyUser

OP - Maybe you should take a step back here and look at your own behaviour.

I am giving this advice purely on your first post. You could post here again and give us more info that may change the advice but as it stands - I think you are the issue here!

My OH went through a "little white lies" phase and it drove me mad. Until one day I asked him outstraight what the deal was - turns out, it was because of my reaction why he wouldnt tell me things. I had a bit of a temper and I used to see red over stupid little lies he told, or stupid little things he did.

I was actually so embarrassed when he told me, I was really ashamed at myself for making him feel that way. Seriously though, it's like walking on eggshells and that's not a fun way for your OH to feel about you.

I think you are even coming across as a bit dramatic in your post. Fair enough maybe these little lies have built up over time and now your head is wrecked, but honestly NOW is the time to sort this before it gets even more out of hand. You need to sit down, do not for one second chicken out again, sort this - now.

Have your chat with him and in NO ACCUSATORY tones. A calm, one on one chat that does not blow up into a massive unnecessary argument. This is genuinely the only way you can sort out the issues.

I still cringe when I think of the conversation I had with my OH, I still feel a lot of guilt just even thinking of how he must have felt when he knew he had lied and was afraid of me flipping out. I'm female - that is a disgraceful way to make a man feel in a relationship and vice versa.

PucaMama

Op i wouldn't be too concerned with the eating or staying up late but the drug habit would be a major issue for me. If its not a problem in his eyes why is he hiding it?

anncoates

jdhjiahfloisuhgaiuehlkjfdkla wrote: »

What grown man lies about eating food?

What grown woman constantly interrogates an adult about inconsequential stuff like that unless she's his mother?

strobe

jdhjiahfloisuhgaiuehlkjfdkla wrote: »

What grown man lies about eating food?

That's the thing that jumped out the most at me in the OP really, the lying about smoking is one thing but that's something else entirely. It's a very childish thing to do on the surface, as you allude to, lying about eating food. And the reason children lie about it is because they have been told they aren't allowed to and they are afraid of the reaction if they are caught doing it.

What a way for someone to be made feel in a relationship... If I felt I'd made my partner feel like that I'd be thoroughly guilt ridden and going over my own behaviour towards them with a fine tooth comb, before I'd even consider feeling 'hurt' about them telling the lie...

Chara1001

Hey, i've been thinking on and off about your post all day so I've decided to return to expand on my point a few posts ago. Your situation- or rather your boyfriends' one is ringing a bell for me.
Someone mentioned that your boyfriend might just be a pathological liar- which is true, and in that case please just ignore what i'm saying here.

Your example about your OH lying about food reminded me of a relationship I was in years ago. If I ate a bag of crisps for example, I used to hide the packets, I didn't want him seeing it as i would have to answer a load of questions and/ or listen to a rant: 'could you not have chosen something healthier'? 'what a waste of money' 'why do you want to eat kids food?' 'why do you eat such crap', 'i would have waited 10 mins till i got home and had something decent' etc etc.
Op, I lied about everything for a (more) peaceful life. I lied about what i ate (i eat very well but sometimes i want pringles), what i drank- if by some miracle i managed to get out for a night without him, i'd face a grilling the next day, and invariably a lecture. So if i had 8 drinks, i'd tell him 4. I smoked also and you can bet i lied through my teeth about that. I lied by omission about work (never told him about hard days as he'd get really worked up), i lied about people (omission- i never told him anything about friends/ family as his reaction was so judgmental towards people). You name it, I probably lied about it. I made the huge mistake of drunk dialing him one night, and i was still answering for it 3 years later.

I'm not a liar by nature- i hate it. I hated lying and i hated trying to keep the stories i spun straight in my head. But the reason i lied is because i had to. There was no reason to tell the absolute truth. When i did in the early days, i faced judgement and condemnation- yes, even for something so silly as eating a bag of crisps. It happened again and again, so do you know what? F**k it, i'm not going to tell you the truth so. I guess it was a way of taking some control back for myself, when i should have just ditched him.

I get the feeling that you've a much bigger part to play that you know (or can admit) here. Your post was loaded with examples of the pair of you sneaking around, one spying and trying to catch the other in the act, and the other shut down to the extent he's lying about things you can blatantly see are bulls**t.

You need to ask him and really REALLY be prepared to listen.
If my post here is way off, I apologise and please just ignore it. If it's not, you need to be prepared IMO to take a very long and hard look at yourself and your reactions. This isn't normal, he should not be lying about things like this and you seriously need to find out if you are the reason why.

freshpopcorn

I think asking him a question that you all ready know th answer is kind if stupid. You saw that the foods was gone,the plate was dirty and the package was in the bin so it was kind of oblivious he ate it. He might have just being given you a smart answer.
I think him staying up late isn't much of you your business unless its effecting ye're relationship. As for him lying to you about what time he went to bed. It might have being mistaken I've often said I went to bed at a different time that I've actually did or hemkight have lied about the time to keep you happy.
As for the smoking issue. Ye just have to chat to him about it, its sort of up to him if he wants to smoke cigs /weed as long as its his day to day life.lots of people smoke weed just social and there lives are fine.
If I'm being honest with you OP you seem kind of over bearing to him and he probably feels like he can't be honest with you.

Penny Tration

There's not much I can add to the excellent advice you've been given, except one thing that stuck out to me -

You're not happy about him smoking, but you're also not happy about him using an electronic cigarette (which, comparable to smoking, are almost harmless). Are you going to be happy with ANYTHING he does?

He tried to switch to an e-cig to stop smoking, but you don't like it. Maybe he decided it's pointless trying to quit because you don't support the method he has chosen, so he may as well smoke and take sh!t for it since you don't support his effort to quit anyway?

MissFlitworth

Sometimes you can push people into a position where they can't tell you the truth because your reaction to it will be extreme. Sometimes people aren't able to stand up to the stronger person in a relationship and tell them that they want to do something or live their life in a certain way because that person is able to browbeat them into agreeing to do things they don't want to do. This might not be you but from your OP it sounds like it is.

It might be helpful to have a look at the things your partner is 'not doing' because you don't want them to do it and see if those things coincide with the lies he's telling you because you sound very controlling, from your OP you are constantly checking up on him. You know where all the lighters are, you notice if he's eaten something, you 'wake up and groggily ask' what time it is when he comes to bed, you notice whiffs, you notice how warm or cold he is when he comes to sleep, you go through his bags. You have to ask yourself, why is a grown up lying to you about eating something?

LegacyUser

I think your boyfriend is lying about the snacks and biscuits due to him covering up about smoking grass

Perhaps he thinks, if he says he had the crisps or biscuits late at night, you will assume why was he so hungry at 3am? and think he was smoking grass

That could be what he is thinking as he is that busy hiding the fact he is smoking grass from you

The rest of the lies all seem directly related to smoking grass

A side effect of smoking grass is paranoia, so he will be thinking and overthinking every thing he does to try and hide his usage from you

You need to have a chat with as has been said, as you are participating in this game too. Needs to stop if you want a proper relationship again

jane82

It sounds like its just less hassle to lie to you.
What time he goes to bed and what he eats? No wonder hes getting high.
If he addresses his going to bed an hour late what will you have a problem with next?
Rein it in op a man cant live on bread and water alone.

Katgurl

Perhaps the op asked him innocently "did you eat the cake, what was it like?" I'd be alarmed if my partner was blatantly lying to me too.

OP the lies themselves aren't the issue. You need to find out what's prompting them.

They may be, as other posters have suggested, down to your controlling behaviour. Or there may be something else going on.

You need to talk about it. And the talk shouldn't be of the form "I know you've been lying about smoking" it should be "are you happy, is something bothering you, I don't feel we are close, what do you feel?"

If you don't sort out your communication this relationship is doomed as neither o you sound at all happy in it.