Ex won't leave me alone

LegacyUser

I'd appreciate some advice, my ex won't leave me alone, we split up 2 years ago, she ended it.
Odd thing is everytime something goes wrong she runs to me, she puts herself under massive pressure and lets thing overwhelm her. She is very attractive and has no problem getting blokes but none want to stick around for any length of time. I think she is not comfortable in her own skin, she sees a relationship as some sort of validation.

I don't want to be mean to her but I'm not the person she should be turning to, I have a girlfriend who I love and has been remarkably understanding about an ex contacting me. But I feel like she is taking the piss, every time she's feeling down or things have fallen apart she runs to me. I have asked her to delete my number in the past but she just starts contacting me in new ways, Facebook being the latest.

When I try suggest not contacting me she gets all down and I cave. I'm not a nasty person, I don't want to kick some one when they are down but she doesn't seem to get the message that I'm not the person she should be running to.

December2012

I think you have to stop being considerate of her, and next time she comes to you looking for help just do not help her.

Everything that she could be coming to you for she could pay somebody to do - breakdown recovery, counselling, DIY, etcetera

You don't have to do anything for her, and you've given her enough time and credit.

So just .... Stop.

jellyboy

Hi op

is there anybody in her family that could be a go to person ?
Say a sister or aunt that you were friendly with during your relationship
that you could approach and have a chat?

it reads like that there is more going on than just running to you, erratic behavior no boundaries,you accepting her no boundaries


take positive action and put in place boundaries and stick to them

this could get easily get into codependence/enabling her behavior route

Boundaries with kindness and compassion

Toots

jellyboy wrote: »

Hi op

is there anybody in her family that could be a go to person ?
Say a sister or aunt that you were friendly with during your relationship
that you could approach and have a chat?

it reads like that there is more going on than just running to you, erratic behavior no boundaries,you accepting her no boundaries


take positive action and put in place boundaries and stick to them

this could get easily get into codependence/enabling her behavior route

Boundaries with kindness and compassion

+1, TBH, even if you weren't particularly close to anyone in her family, I can't imagine they'd get annoyed if you approach them telling them that you're worried about her. I know if I were her relative I'd be grateful to you for telling me. However I would add that if you talk to someone in her family, make it clear that you won't be in a position to provide this sort of support for her going forward. Give it a week or two for them to talk to her, then either change your number or get her number barred, block her from facebook and do not reply to her emails, or set a filter so they're automatically sent to the trash folder.

At the minute you're enabling her behaviour and as long as that continues it's not benefiting either of you. I'd only be taking this 'gently' approach because is sounds like she might not be in a good place emotionally, however she isn't your responsibility. Once you've spoken to her family the ball is in their court so after that you need to cut all contact and stick to it for both your sakes.

stargazer 68

OP I have to agree with the other posters. Stop letting her cry on your shoulder. Your girlfriend is understanding however there are loads of posts on here by girlfriends who are sick of their boyfriends ex running to him for everything and him allowing it and posters advising her to break up with him!!

Merkin

sunflower27 wrote: »

No point saying 'don't come to me' when you are minimising the impact of the statement by then talking to her every time.

Totally agree with this. You are obviously engaging with her to such an extent that she is able to offload on you OP whereas a very simple "sorry, I'm not in a position to help you" followed by actually ignoring her is the only thing that will work.

I've been in your shoes and if you don't encourage her (and I know you are only being kind) then she will find someone else to lean on/get herself into another relationship with. It really isn't fair on your girlfriend to have this ex lurking in the shadows and depending on you for emotional support when it really isn't your job. You need to cut her loose.

ManOfMystery

OP I could have written your post, a few years back. I broke up with an ex but we remained on good terms. Although she was always very dependent on me when we were in a relationship (for everything - money, encouragement, dealing with problems, DIY, car issues, etc), I foolishly assumed that when we broke up this would come to an end. It didn't.

Like you, I didn't want to be nasty or make the breakup worse so after we ended things I still found myself getting texts and phone calls from her, dealing with problems she had, even giving her advice on issues at work and issues with a new boyfriend she had. There were times it actually got quite frustrating - my ex had a habit of making a mountain out of a molehill when encountering certain situations in life, and whilst I tolerated this while in a relationship with her, I just found it exhausting now that I had broken up with her and was still trying to help her resolve situations which could have been easily avoided in the first place. I like life without drama, but hers seemed to be full of it.

This continued on for months, even as I got into a new relationship myself, but I came to realise it wasn't really fair on my new partner and it wasn't really fair on me either. I don't mind being there for a friend, but I didn't feel like this was a friend-helping-a-friend setup - my ex only ever got in touch when she needed something.

Of course, the situation was entirely of my own making. I was facilitating her. I tried to slowly distance myself (short replies to texts/calls, making excuses for when she needed me) but she didn't really take the hint. I then told her outright that we couldn't continue on like this, but that didn't seem to make a jot of difference. So in the end, I simply stopped replying to texts and stopped answering calls.

How does she deal with all those problematic situations in life now? Don't know, don't really care - everyone has to find their own way to deal with things.
Who sorts her car problems now I'm not around? Don't know, don't really care - I'm sure she's found a garage somewhere, like everyone else does.
Who replaces a bulb in her house when it blows? Don't know, don't really care - I'm sure she can Google it and educate herself.

I strongly advise you to take a similar attitude to what I now have.

Big Bag of Chips

You'd be surprised how many people live their lives like your ex. And as Merkin rightly points out, if you stop being available to her, she won't crumble, she won't fall apart, she will just move onto someone else and drain them for a while! And on and on it will go. You are not responsible for her. But you are allowing yourself to be. Why do you continue to answer her calls/mails etc? It's very difficult to be up front with someone and tell them to back off out of your life. And it seems you've tried it and she still hasn't got the message. So now the only way forward is to be less available. Caller ID is a fantastic thing - you don't have to answer a call you don't want to take. If she contacts you through Facebook, you don't have to reply. If you do reply, you can be short in your answers, or a quick "I'm in the middle of something at the minute, hope you get sorted, talk to you soon".

And then "soon" becomes "later" and later.. and later...

She will eventually back off, and/or she will find another source of support.

Pippy1976

Yes, she keeps contacting you when things go wrong / bad for her. But you have the control, and what seems like the smarts, to not contact her back.

Why do you feel you need to reply to her messages? My advice is don't reply to her FB messages, Tweets, texts, whatever.

Like I said, you have the control to NOT engage. I'd advise you do just that. She'll move on EVENTUALLY.

14415 wrote: »

I'd appreciate some advice, my ex won't leave me alone, we split up 2 years ago, she ended it.
Odd thing is everytime something goes wrong she runs to me, she puts herself under massive pressure and lets thing overwhelm her. She is very attractive and has no problem getting blokes but none want to stick around for any length of time. I think she is not comfortable in her own skin, she sees a relationship as some sort of validation.

I don't want to be mean to her but I'm not the person she should be turning to, I have a girlfriend who I love and has been remarkably understanding about an ex contacting me. But I feel like she is taking the piss, every time she's feeling down or things have fallen apart she runs to me. I have asked her to delete my number in the past but she just starts contacting me in new ways, Facebook being the latest.

When I try suggest not contacting me she gets all down and I cave. I'm not a nasty person, I don't want to kick some one when they are down but she doesn't seem to get the message that I'm not the person she should be running to.

CaraMay

You haven't asked her to leave you alone firmly enough so why would she? She is playing you like a fiddle and has free a handyman, counsellor and god knows what else.

Would you not try standing over your requests to leave you alone if that's what you want.

Call Me Jimmy

You are simply 'available' to her, make yourself unavailable. It's surprising that you haven't done this already.

HalloweenJack

Reading the OP, it sounds like something I could've written a few years ago in regards to my ex.

As hard as it is, you just have to stop responding to her. Eventually she'll go away. It's not easy, it was about a year after I stopped responding to my ex before she stopped trying to get in touch with me but it's worked. It's now been about four or five months since she sent me anything.

You can try reasoning with her but I found my ex would always manipulate the situation and talk me round to staying in touch with her. It wasn't 'til I just flat-out refused to respond to her that it worked for me. I also would say that I'm not a nasty person but I felt like she left me with no other option. I didn't want anything more to do with her but she wouldn't let me move on. In your case, you can see it as you helping her to move on from your breakup as she clearly can't get used to being single, but that's her problem, not yours.

Also, as understanding as your new GF may be, you really need to cut contact with your ex for the sake of your relationship. If she was actually a friendly ex, it could be fine, but the behaviour she's showing is very controlling and you should not be feeding her when you have someone else's feelings to be putting first.

smythking

I wouldn't attempt to advise anybody on a relationship but many years ago after breaking up with a girl she started hounding me. I changed my phone number bolted the door,switched off the lights and hibernated in the evenings after work.Eventually I shook her off.

Pat Mustard

OP, part of the problem is that she can get in contact with you whenever she wants. You feel obliged to respond.

The best thing would be to ignore all contact from the ex, in consideration of your current girlfriend. However, that has not happened so far.

What you could do is change your phone settings to block her calls, block her texts as spam, and block all private numbers. Also, block her emails, cut her off from Facebook, put all privacy settings in place. Delete Facebook account if it's more of a hindrance than a help to you.

She doesn't want to let go. Cut her off for the sake of your own relationship.