Heartbroken

LegacyUser

Well I don't know how to start. If I was reading this I would probably think 'how pathetic' but I'm not a writer which my counsellor has been trying to get me to do and I just haven't done so I thought I would try this. She says otherwise I'll roomanate.

So I guess I've just come out of a very difficult relationship of 3 years. I was/am totally in love/obsessed with a man that was in one way my best friend in the whole world and in another worse than drinking a bottle of poison. Pure toxic.

I worked with this person and a relationship developed. He had a reputation but I didn't know the full extent of it. I was instantly hooked, I loved him very fast. After 6 months I discovered that I was never the only one, he had his ex pregnant (which god forgive me she lost) whilst seeing me and basically had been making a fool out of me all along. So we broke up.

But I went back. And it has been much of the same for 3 years. Every few months another girl. He tried to break it off with me so many times but I would cry and beg and we would stay together but he would make me feel like he loved me so much on the other hand, showering me with gifts and surprising me all the time.

Another huge part to this was that he never introduced me to any of his friends but I got on great with all his family and I would see them once a week.

So why do I still love him, why do I obsess, why do I hound him to stay together. I just can't let go, it's not getting better. I go to counselling every week but that won't work until I don't want to be with him anymore and I can't get myself to that stage. I'm so unmotivated to do anything. This situation has changed my whole personality. He asked me to never tell work about it so I lied to people around me for 3 years. And when things weren't good between us I would lie to my friends and family and keep secrets about when I was seeing him. It turned me in to a liar and I let it and I'm so ashamed of myself.

In a very very dark place . That's only a snippet of my story. I think I have blocked a lot of things out. If I could turn back the clocks ....

Tokyo

I don't see you as a pathetic person OP, I see you as somebody who has just gotten out from under the clutches of a narcissistic, manipulative man after three years and is still coming to terms with that. It sounds like a complete nightmare, to be honest, and it sounds like you are still in the early stages of recovery. Congratulations on taking the first step of walking away though.

I imagine that you feel like you still love him because he knew exactly how to manipulate you into doing so, and knew exactly what buttons to press to make you feel like you could never do better than him. But every time you feel that way you need to remind yourself of the facts.

• he got his ex pregnant while with you.
• he cheated on you many, many times while with you.
• he hid you away from his friends while he was doing all this.

A huge part of this is down to you realising that what happened wasn't your fault, and I'm glad that you sought out counseling to help you - I would suggest that you don't give up on it so easily though as it is going to take time to get past this. There is no time frame to get over a person like this - you will let go when you are ready. You invested three years of your life into this man, and just knowing all the mad things he did isn't enough - you simply need time to let go. And counseling will help guide you through this.

For the here and now, remember that you are worth far more than this person made you feel you are. And surround yourself with family and friends who really do love and value you, and take it one day at a time.

You will find better out there. Considering what you've been through, it would be hard to find worse.

LegacyUser

Thank you so much for your reply. I think just saying some of the things out loud as many times as I can to different people helps. I have a lot of relationships to re-build amongst my friends and family who I isolated myself from so it's been difficult to talk to them.

It's like I was always trying to get him to not cheat on me by changing what i thought he didnt like about me and I fantasised about having a normal loving relationship. I accepted the crumbs under the table like a dog would.

Shame on me

Sleepless and Manic

Eugh. SO sorry for your problems. But it sounds like you've made huge progress just recognizing the damage he's done and starting to fix it.

It doesnt make it easier but it does mean you can do it, its just kind of a question of time. Your whole life has been disrupted and that takes time to reconstruct. You will come through this so much stronger though, think of that, you're taking control of your life.

And there's no need to feel shame, he's the one with the sociopathic behaviour.

It sounds like an awful situation Op, and I hope writing it down helped.

Do you feel that 'getting over it' would be letting him go? Maybe the clinging on to hope is a way of avoiding it being totally, finally over. In order to move on you need to really want to move on, not hang on. You do seem to want to hang on to him no matter what the personal cost to you. What would it take, considering the awful things you've been put through, for you to want to leave it all behind, forever?

And another question you probably need to explore is why you feel that this is something you can settle for. Why don't you feel furiously angry and short changed? Why aren't you telling yourself you deserve much, much better than this? Because quite obviously you do! We all deserve better than that sort of thing.

Maybe your first job of work is to identify the source of your low expectations, and then you can put the whole thing into perspective.
You've been treated badly by a man who showed no care for your feelings or the emotional punishment his actions caused you, and you are desperate for this to resume - even knowing he's never going to treat you any better.

Deep down, you know you're worth more than that. Ask your counsellor to help you explore ways of bolstering your self esteem, because nobody should seek out a life of lies, stress and second best, and you need to find out why you are so that next time around you don't do it again without realising it.

I hope it gets easier for you soon.

Merkin

I'm sorry OP but you really, really need to get a grip. There's no kinder way of saying that. You know we can paint a picture of this man as being manipulative and dishonest and sly etc but ultimately we (and nobody else) are responsible for the behavior that we tolerate. You didn't just tolerate his bad behavior, you begged and pleaded with him to stay with you even though he broke up with you on many occasions while putting it about God knows where. I hope you get regularly tested for STDs.

What does this ugly mess say? To me is says one of two things:

You may just thrive on drama and through habitual thought patterns and behavior see this kind of bullsh1t as the norm. Even your post is peppered with the dramatic falling in love, the showering of gifts, him being your best friend () and yet, here is a man who most probably couldn't treat you any worse. So to repeatedly come back for more and to not just facilitate it but to actually beg and plead with him to stay with you (dramatic again) would suggest you have a really skewed version of what a relationship is and you secretly enjoy the emotions that this "relationship" invokes.

It's either the above, or else your self esteem is really genuinely dangerously low. To repeatedly invite behavior like this suggests that you think it is all you deserve or all you are worthy of. And then to be so grateful and think he loves you because he gives you a present? That's just warped. True love and kindness and respect from a loving an equal partner means so much more than a hastily bought token. Why can't you see that? What is your relationship history to date? Why on earth are you so keen to cling on to this? Because I think that is the question you need to answer for yourself honestly before deciding once and for all that you're being a fool who is wasting your time on a non-starter. You should never have to beg someone (and someone who evidently doesn't give a fig about you) to be in your life.

Figure out why that is and then maybe you can finally put an end to this sorry mess. I'd also confide in a close friend and tell them the whole ugly truth of the situation rather than protecting both of you and the way you've both acted in the last three years.

moneyspills

If you want to learn how to get your ex girlfriend back, but you treated her badly, then you may find it hard making up with her. This may sound like bad news to you, but you should never have hurt her in the first place. You need to acknowledge that you did some nasty things to her, but also figure out how you will make it up to her. If you can find a realistic solution, then you may have a chance to get her back.

<mod snip>

Merkin

moneyspills wrote: »

If you want to learn how to get your ex girlfriend back, but you treated her badly, then you may find it hard making up with her. This may sound like bad news to you, but you should never have hurt her in the first place. You need to acknowledge that you did some nasty things to her, but also figure out how you will make it up to her. If you can find a realistic solution, then you may have a chance to get her back.

<mod snip>

Did you actually read the OP?

Magicmatilda

Wow, what a difficult place to be. I will start by saying this, you are wrong OP the shame is not on you, it is very much on him. He has acted awfully and treated you very badly. Never be ashamed to have loved someone. I say that having been through a similar situation. Don't let yourself say "shame on me" again.

Try and think back to what you enjoyed doing before him? Any dreams you had that are unfulfilled? Work towards them. If not, find some new ones and aim for them.

Nothing you could have done would change him. You can only change you, so do that and do it for you.