Terrified before work

LegacyUser

I work for a large multi-national. I've been in the job about a year and I have been experiencing pretty bad anxiety for the last six months.
The first six months were OK as I was eased into things. However since last September I have been sleeping really badly and having terrible morning anxiety.
I wake at 4 am and don't really get back to sleep again. The whole cause of it is that I have a massive lack confidence and no faith in myself whatsoever.
At my age now I should have got over that (I am 40).
I keep thinking I am inferior to my workmates and that I shouldn't be there.
I was told off a couple of times by my boss for small things like forgetting emails he sent to me etc. but he has praised me on other occasions. The worst part is when I come in first thing in the morning. Because the rest of our team (including my boss) work in the US there are usually emails waiting for us when we get in in the morning. All morning (and sometimes the previous night) I am worried that there will be a mail about something I did wrong or some crisis waiting for me in my inbox. I don't go out anymore at the weekends because I can't relax and am unable to put work completely out of my head. It's there all the time in my subconscious. I took two weeks holidays last year and I spent the whole time at home brooding because I said if I went somewhere I would not enjoy it because I will be worrying about when I have to go back.
Like there was a problem last Friday that I couldn't solve and a person needed it working for the following Monday. I was in a right state all weekend about it and Monday morning was hellish. Someone in the UK fixed it for me but even then I thought I should have fixed it myself.
Also we have a daily meeting by telephone which I absolutely hate as everyone has to speak and give updates on their work. I try to say as little as possible so that I won't be asked something else.
I work with one other person and I don't feel inferior to him really, just my boss and his co-workers. They are much more experienced and better educated than me (even though I have a degree).
If I make a mistake and get pulled up about it I take it to heart and think about it for days afterwards. I know most people would say "Pfft to hell with him/her, let them fire me if they want". I can't do that though.
I worked for a multi-national during work experience for my degree and had the same feelings so I don't know why I took this job. I had to really, there was nothing else. I just don't want to work for a big corporation, I feel out of place. In the morning I put on my shirt and trousers and shoes and I feel like a fool.
I have spoken to a counsellor and a psychiatrist about this and they both said the same thing: "They wouldn't have given you the job if they didn't think you could do it and if they were unhappy with you they would have sacked you by now".
The last place I worked in I was poorly paid (that is why I moved to this job). They didn't have many customers so I wasn't under much pressure. My boss was very easy-going and left me to my own devices most of the time as I came in on time every day and did my work and he was happy with that.
I know that situation is not that common and in most places there will be a superior person to report to or that has authority over you. I have a fear of authority and don't like dealing with those kind of people. To give you an example I have a website and a company wanted to buy the domain from me. They left messages on my mobile and emailed me but I never got back to them because I was afraid of bartering a price. I have no use for the website and I could have got a few hundred quid for it.
Work-wise it's not that I am lazy, far from it actually, if I like the work then I work hard as I don't see it as work. I enjoyed the last job but had to leave because the pay was so low.
The work here isn't very interesting and there is a lot of down-time sometimes which drives me nuts. I don't want to ask my boss for more work to do because I am afraid things might get busy just when I do. The flow of work can't be predicted.
Sometimes I think I am just no effing good at my job and I should pack it in. I am just not enjoying life anymore. However I don't want the stigma of being unemployed and what my relatives/family members will think of me. I have money saved up and my parents have more than enough room for me at home. They have said they don't mind what I do.
I have been looking around for something but if it is with a large company I don't apply as it will only be the same thing again.
It is hard to find a "lesser" job though. However I feel that is where I would feel more relaxed and at peace.

ongarboy

Hi OP,

I can identify with a lot of what you say. I tend to be quite anxious, particularly when it comes to work. I left my last job after 10+ years (senior grade/excellent salary) because I was getting increasingly anxious about it. The crunch was that I was then asked to manage a team. After much deliberation, I handed in my notice as I fooled myself into thinking I wanted a career break when the real reason was I was unable to control my anxiety. I could have just turned down the role and say I was happy in my current role but felt management would look down on me if I told them the real reason (I hate managing people and would be quite anxious doing so). Why should I have been ashamed of just telling them that when they value me enough to want to promote me and I always had great performance reviews but I was ashamed which reinforced my anxiety. An extreme reaction on my part!

I don't necessarily regret the year out as I did a bit of travel but most signficantly, I took part in some personal development and life coaching/career guidance courses. Guess what, I'm back in the exact same industry I left in a different company! I went through a bad period of dread a few months back when I had to start job hunting again. The thought of re-entering the situation that gave me most anxiety was very unpleasant. I even turned down a job offer for a great job which made me think, I have to manage this anxiety or it will hold back my life.

On the back of turning down that job and being quite unhappy with that, I read up on a CrossCare personal development course sponsored by Aware that particularly helps people with anxiety/stress/depression situations. It was wonderful. I was there with 20 other "completely normal" people and a fantastic course leader who focused on a different subject each week that tackles such difficulties people have in dealing with daily events that bring stress. The interaction and honest, shared experiences between the course attendees was brilliant, moving and inspirational. For once, I didn't feel so alone or embarrassed about my situation as I was in a room full of empathy. I really learned wonderful tools and tactics on how to deal with anxiety, so much so I was able to comfortably start job hunting again and accept a position I was capable and qualified for rather than taking an underqualified job with low pay just to avoid any potential fear or anxiety as I saw it in a more suitably qualified role. I'm a few months into my new job, and yes, I get a bit nervy and anxious often but the big difference now is that I know how to deal with it and can handle it.

I could write loads here about what I learned to deal with anxiety but please google these Crosscare courses to see if there is one on soon in your locality - I think it really could benefit you. They are free and take place one evening a week over 6 or so weeks. It would be such a shame for you to throw away what you're good at (your boss and colleagues obviously think so even if you don't) just because of perceived rather than actual fears. The fact it is crippling your free time in the evenings, weekends and holidays means your anxiety has complete control over you. There are ways for you to have control over it - please try and find them!

Sorry for long post!

iusedtoknow

anxiety can attack at any age and time, i used to think that I should be over it now, but i've come to realise this.

I manage a distributed team, based out of San Francisco but with team members in Europe, Asia and Latin America. It is hard work to stay on top of everything and everyone. I had someone from my Latin America team come to me with a similar issue of anxiety over their work. It turns out that I had come down too strongly on him over something that was needed. I just needed to adjust my communication style with him, it took time but he is doing well.

I try not to extend my working hours outside of normal working hours, as it could be a nightmare for me (what timezone would I align myself to otherwise?). Sometimes my emails can be short and terse, because I wrote it at 5am in the morning my time, and I want/need something done. However, i also take time to compliment my team as much as it is deserved (which fortunately is a lot). It sounds like your manager is doing so.

Your manager is great in that he tries to stay in daily contact with you to make you feel part of the US team. Do you have 1-2-1's with him on a weekly/biweekly basis? This is a great time to chat and see what is going on and affecting individuals. I have video conferences with my reports once every 2 weeks, sometimes from home, just to make sure they are all happy and if there is anything specific that needs done.
Do you meet with the rest of your team periodically? Are you in the US to work with them day-to-day perhaps once or twice a year?

Do you have a local line/administrative manager? All of my direct reports have a person "on-site" that they can talk with, and on occasion they come to me with a specific issue or problem. Have you spoken to them about the issues you're feeling?

You mention that you had an issue last weekend that you couldn't solve. Did you reach out to everyone you could, including your manager to let him know? Most multinationals are not combative or competitive in the way they deal with each other. I know that if there is something that one of my team can't do, it is often dealt with by someone else, and an FYI sent to me, and I ensure that something that can't be done by one person is not something bad against them, but a learning curve for them.

Working as an island, detached from your team can be difficult, and it is up to you and your manager to bridge that divide. Reach out to him directly and discuss your concerns, not in a "what can you do about this" but in a "what can we do about this" method - that is assuming you wish to remain in the job.

Ham Sambo

I suffer from anxiety, and as I have been told it affects different people in different ways, how ever you don't have to suffer this on your own, make an appointment with your GP, <Mod snip - medical advice territory...>

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.Most have suggested talking with somebody in the company about it.I have one-on-ones with my manager and I hate them to be honest.
I have a fear of things like that,especially if the person I am talking to is smarter/better qualified than me.
I just want to slip into the shadows really.
It seems a shame not to utilise my qualifications to the maximum but if being in a job like this (or similar) makes me anxious all the time then it just isn't worth it.
I've tried to beat it but have accepted defeat at this stage.

ongarboy

jack_99 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.Most have suggested talking with somebody in the company about it.I have one-on-ones with my manager and I hate them to be honest.
I have a fear of things like that,especially if the person I am talking to is smarter/better qualified than me.
I just want to slip into the shadows really.
It seems a shame not to utilise my qualifications to the maximum but if being in a job like this (or similar) makes me anxious all the time then it just isn't worth it.
I've tried to beat it but have accepted defeat at this stage.

My fear will be if you don't address your anxiety, you will involuntarily find new lesser things in a so called safer job or situations to stress you out just as equally as you are right now in the more high powered job. I don't want to be presumptious but you may not have tried hard enough to beat your anxiety. I believe everyone can unlearn or tackle the sources of their anxiety if they truly apply themselves and try hard enough. I'm pretty certain there are more resources and outlets out there to help you than what you've already considered. Please do not accept defeat and don't waste the next 25 years with sleepless nights and unhappy weekends and holidays stressing out.

iusedtoknow

ongarboy wrote: »

My fear will be if you don't address your anxiety, you will involuntarily find new lesser things in a so called safer job or situations to stress you out just as equally as you are right now in the more high powered job. I don't want to be presumptious but you may not have tried hard enough to beat your anxiety. I believe everyone can unlearn or tackle the sources of their anxiety if they truly apply themselves and try hard enough. I'm pretty certain there are more resources and outlets out there to help you than what you've already considered. Please do not accept defeat and don't waste the next 25 years with sleepless nights and unhappy weekends and holidays stressing out.

This is really good advice. Tackle the anxiety issues. Personally - Mindfulness meditation has helped me no end, I know that others have found CBT therapy to help. My own issues were confidence and worrying that at some point i would be "found out" as an impostor that shouldn't really be in my position. My company (multinational drug company) got me involved with mindfulness and also paid for some CBT sessions. The difference a few sessions made was unreal for me, both professionally and personally.

You are still at a good point in your career, don't accept defeat on this.
Perhaps give yourself time, say 6 months to tackle your anxiety. Continue in your position for that time, and put into practice what you learn from CBT or any other form of therapy or counseling that you complete.

December2012

Does your company have a policy about personal issues affecting your work?

If so you could follow that.

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

My own issues were confidence and worrying that at some point i would be "found out" as an impostor that shouldn't really be in my position.

Yeah that is exactly how I feel about myself.

iusedtoknow wrote: »

My company (multinational drug company) got me involved with mindfulness and also paid for some CBT sessions. The difference a few sessions made was unreal for me, both professionally and personally.

That's interesting. It took a lot of courage to tell your employers that you feel that way. I certainly couldn't do it.
I actually saw a job online yesterday that I would be overqualified for and would be a massive step down for me in terms of the type of work (and also in salary).
The company however have a reputation for being slave-drivers so I don't think I will apply for it.
Maybe the type of "low pressure" job I want simply isn't there.

iusedtoknow

jack_99 wrote: »

Yeah that is exactly how I feel about myself.



That's interesting. It took a lot of courage to tell your employers that you feel that way. I certainly couldn't do it.
I actually saw a job online yesterday that I would be overqualified for and would be a massive step down for me in terms of the type of work (and also in salary).
The company however have a reputation for being slave-drivers so I don't think I will apply for it.
Maybe the type of "low pressure" job I want simply isn't there.

you have to ask yourself, is there a perfect job? What if you went to work in a factory, you'd have quotas (weekly/daily/monthly) and a manger breathing down your neck to get to it.
What about 1st level support? You'd have SLA's to get, and a manager breathing down your neck to make sure you get it
What about sales? You'd have targets that you'd have to meet or else you'd lose out financially, and once again....a manager breathing down your neck.
Working a shop? A manager breathing down your next to make sure the stock was on the shelves etc

The working world has changed immensely in the last decade. The global nature has meant that we all have to find ways to adjust, and unfortunately not the other way around.

I really do suggest that instead of tacking the job situation (for now) you tackle your personal anxiety issues and only then tackle your work situation. If you aren't careful, these sort of feeling can and will follow you from job to job, even a "lesser" one than you are qualified for.

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

If you aren't careful, these sort of feeling can and will follow you from job to job, even a "lesser" one than you are qualified for.

That's quite possible. I think if I move out of this "corporate" situation into a "lesser" job, then my anxiety will go away. But I am the type that if I hada job stacking shelves I would worry that I wasn't stacking them properly.

Slutmonkey57b

jack_99 wrote: »

That's quite possible. I think if I move out of this "corporate" situation into a "lesser" job, then my anxiety will go away. But I am the type that if I hada job stacking shelves I would worry that I wasn't stacking them properly.

Exactly. You have to remember that these issues are in your head, so they're going to follow you around. Changing jobs doesn't change your head. It just removes a *current* fixation point for your anxiety.

RossFixxxed

jack_99 wrote: »

That's quite possible. I think if I move out of this "corporate" situation into a "lesser" job, then my anxiety will go away. But I am the type that if I hada job stacking shelves I would worry that I wasn't stacking them properly.

EDIT (I misread the above sorry) Moving job probably won't help to be honest. You need to tackle the anxiety first.

What if you start thinking "god I'm only stacking shelves and I used to be a <whatever>" or feeling the same anxiety on a Sunday night for no reason other than you have work tomorrow. What if a manager is horrible and makes it a bit stresful? Maybe you will stress about not stacking them correctly. IF you have an anxiety issue (I don't know of course) then it will attach itself to SOMETHING to keep you worrying, like a parasite. First for me was work, then health, then my lifestyle, then my car, then the cleanliness of my house, then then the most trivial of stuff, then one day I couldn't go out to the shop and had to take action. I had the same stress working in an off-licence as I did in stressful I.T. roles and customer service.

Fix yourself first, and then jobs won't be such an issue.