Issue with relationship

LegacyUser

One in particular, going unregged naturally enough.

I have found in the last 6 months or so that I am no longer that sexually attracted to my partner of almost 4 years.
I have worked out that this is mainly due to the relationship in the bedroom rather than a change in looks etc.
My OH is very inexperienced with relationships (nothing serious before me), although is the same age as me. Therefore it has gotten very boring, and there is no want or need from my perspective to have sex.

Without getting to specific, I find that my indications in the bedroom are often ignored, rather than refused. Not always, but 60% of the time I'd say, with only a further 10% being refused. Pretty much because, I would imagine, my OH just doesn't know how or what to do, but also, crucially, is not of the frame of mind to try. Their perspective is "this is how its done and I've no idea what else to do (that bit is subconscious), and sure why would you, isn't this it, the rest of it is weird". The rest of it being toys, locations, positions, fun in general etc etc.

My issue is that I would love to fix this, as I believe it is mainly down to inexperience on my OH's end, however from previous experience I have found that everything becomes far to forced in these situations.
I naturally will discuss this in depth with them before making and major decisions, but from my eyes, it is a deal breaker if its not fixed as it is a major part of any relationship.

So my questions are I suppose, any suggestions? am I being unreasonable? is there a proper way to fix this when my OH has had no other sexual partners? Can it be fixed without being forced?
Part of me is thinking to just tell my OH that this is boring, lack of sexual attraction is a big issue for me right now, and to see where my OH takes it from there, with effort on my part too. That way I haven't given specifics which can be seen to be forced or only being done because I suggested. Then revisit in a number of weeks or months and see where we are.
But then part of me is thinking, maybe we're just not meant to be...

I've omitted genders out of this to keep a neutral standpoint for now, and may introduce them as this progresses. I will say its a hetrosexual relationship.

Bit of background, I noticed this over a number of months and finally put my finger on it when a mutual friend who is in a relationship started flirting with me and me back (only a few minutes, not trying anything, purely just joking, but definitely mild tension. We're both old enough to appreciate it at the time and not do anything, appreciating what we have) in front of my OH who noticed and saw the fun side of it.
I realised fun like this has been missing for a while, and the mutual friend would be up for interesting times, I would imagine due to experience.
This is what got me thinking.

Any help appreciated, as I said, discussion is in the pipeline, I just want a neutral standpoint.

Thanks a million folks.

Tokyo

Hey OP,

first of all I don't think that you are being unreasonable. sex is a major part of any relationship, and like any major parts of a relationship, if it is lacking then it can certainly become a deal-breaker. Having said that however, it is something that is fixable IMHO, depending of course on the circumstances.

The big obstacle to overcome here is that you can't really sidestep the issue any longer and are going to have to be honest with your partner, and your partner with you, in order for this to have a chance, and considering the nature of the problem, it can be embarrassing topic for the person involved, particularly as you are telling them that they need to improve at it. So choose your words carefully.

The good news is that if it is, as you describe, simply inexperience, then technique can be taught if you are willing to be patient with your partner and teach them what you like, where and when. Making it something that you are both working on together is a good approach as it takes the pressure off your partner to live up to your expectations. One thing worth knowing is that there are plenty of good sex books out there for people like your partner who would like to work on their technique, it may be something you'd like to look into together. One think I'd say to you though is that you mention "toys, locations, positions, fun in general" - don't expect all of this at once, or try to push your partner into this too soon. If they do decide to work on things, give them a chance to work up to it, don't pull all of the toys out of the bedside drawer at once and expect them to perform, rather try to meet them in the middle somewhere.

One thing that occurred to me when I read your post is what your partner's "attitude" towards sex is? If your partner has been raised to believe that sex is 'wrong' or 'dirty', then this will obviously have an impact on how they are with you in bed. It's not something that I can tell from your post, but it may be something you might want to consider discussing with your partner, and may be something that you may need the help of a counselor to work on together.

At the end of the day, it's like any relationship problem, and should be treated as such. Talk to each other, and see if you are both willing to put in the effort to work on this issue for the sake of your relationship. IF you are both willing, then this is progress, for sure. However, if you feel that your partner has no intention on working on it, or plans to simply bury their head in the sand over this in the hope that it goes away, then you may have to make some hard decisions for yourself as to whether you are willing to sacrifice an important relationship need of yours in order to stay with this person. Personally, I couldn't, and it's important to remember that you can love someone, and still know that they aren't right for you.

Czarcasm

OP having read over your post again for a third time now, I'm still left cold. I understand that you wanted it to be as factual and neutral as possible but honestly, I think you went too far, unless cold and emotionless is how you usually are? I really don't think you're going to get your partner to the point where they will happily indulge in your ideas about a threesome with your friend. It just feels like it's all techniques and boxes to be ticked with you. I can see how for your partner that'd be incredibly off-putting.

Truthfully I think you might be better to accept that your partner just isn't as sexually 'adventurous' as you are, but that doesn't mean there's anything to be 'fixed', and there's no need to go analysing that and the reasons why your partner isn't interested in the whole on the 'four on the floor and more out the door' type stuff. You seem more interested in pushing your point of view though but there will come a point where you'll put too much strain on the relationship and have to break up anyway due just to being sexually incompatible.

I would say don't torture yourself OP because you're not going to be able to 'fix' what's not broken, but you should try and find someone you're more sexually compatible with for the sake of both of your long term happiness.

strobe

I'd agree with Czarcasm in that your post and how you seem to think about things comes across very 'cold' and almost workman like. In other words, the opposite of fun and adventurous and exciting - which seems to be how you wish things were more like. If you are coming across the same to your partner in relation to things then it's only going to have the opposite effect to what you want - especially if they are quite inexperienced and therefore probably lacking a bit of confidence in relation to trying more 'adventurous' things. It would be a bit intimidating for want of a better word and honestly, I'd imagine a bit of a turn-off and a passion killer - would make it harder for them to just be in the moment and go with the flow when it comes to trying different things.

I suppose my advice would be to stop treating sex so seriously, it's meant to be fun. And if you want it to be more fun for you focus on making it fun for them. Get away for the attitude of calculating how often this or that is done and working through a check list of things to be done. Let your partner know how much fun you think x or y or z could be, fun for them and for you together, not 'things I want done' or 'things I want to do' but more 'I think you would really like this, it could be a lot of fun for us, why don't we give it a try once and see.' Also, ask them, in a light hearted and fun way rather than quizing them (maybe when you are being somewhat filrty with each other but away from the bedroom), about what they might like to try at some point but not necessarily right away, they might surprise you, and once they begin to open up about things a little and feel a little more comfortable about talking about things without having to feel like they can give 'a wrong answer' things will probably progress naturally enough.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Hey OP,

first of all I don't think that you are being unreasonable. sex is a major part of any relationship, and like any major parts of a relationship, if it is lacking then it can certainly become a deal-breaker. Having said that however, it is something that is fixable IMHO, depending of course on the circumstances.

The big obstacle to overcome here is that you can't really sidestep the issue any longer and are going to have to be honest with your partner, and your partner with you, in order for this to have a chance, and considering the nature of the problem, it can be embarrassing topic for the person involved, particularly as you are telling them that they need to improve at it. So choose your words carefully.

The good news is that if it is, as you describe, simply inexperience, then technique can be taught if you are willing to be patient with your partner and teach them what you like, where and when. Making it something that you are both working on together is a good approach as it takes the pressure off your partner to live up to your expectations. One thing worth knowing is that there are plenty of good sex books out there for people like your partner who would like to work on their technique, it may be something you'd like to look into together. One think I'd say to you though is that you mention "toys, locations, positions, fun in general" - don't expect all of this at once, or try to push your partner into this too soon. If they do decide to work on things, give them a chance to work up to it, don't pull all of the toys out of the bedside drawer at once and expect them to perform, rather try to meet them in the middle somewhere.

One thing that occurred to me when I read your post is what your partner's "attitude" towards sex is? If your partner has been raised to believe that sex is 'wrong' or 'dirty', then this will obviously have an impact on how they are with you in bed. It's not something that I can tell from your post, but it may be something you might want to consider discussing with your partner, and may be something that you may need the help of a counselor to work on together.

At the end of the day, it's like any relationship problem, and should be treated as such. Talk to each other, and see if you are both willing to put in the effort to work on this issue for the sake of your relationship. IF you are both willing, then this is progress, for sure. However, if you feel that your partner has no intention on working on it, or plans to simply bury their head in the sand over this in the hope that it goes away, then you may have to make some hard decisions for yourself as to whether you are willing to sacrifice an important relationship need of yours in order to stay with this person. Personally, I couldn't, and it's important to remember that you can love someone, and still know that they aren't right for you.

OP here again.


Thank you, a very helpful reply.
I don't expect it all at once, nor do I expect it all at any stage. If there were 5 "areas" for example that could improve, I'd be extremely happy with 2 or 3 and I do appreciate as I said, that this will take time.
You raise a very interesting point about attitude to sex and how one was raised. This is definitely something I will think about investigating, gently.
Your reply seems very level headed, and similar to what I was thinking, especially about burying heads in the sand etc and how it cannot simply be ignored. It will take time if the right frame of mind towards change is adopted.

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP having read over your post again for a third time now, I'm still left cold. I understand that you wanted it to be as factual and neutral as possible but honestly, I think you went too far, unless cold and emotionless is how you usually are? I really don't think you're going to get your partner to the point where they will happily indulge in your ideas about a threesome with your friend. It just feels like it's all techniques and boxes to be ticked with you. I can see how for your partner that'd be incredibly off-putting.

Truthfully I think you might be better to accept that your partner just isn't as sexually 'adventurous' as you are, but that doesn't mean there's anything to be 'fixed', and there's no need to go analysing that and the reasons why your partner isn't interested in the whole on the 'four on the floor and more out the door' type stuff. You seem more interested in pushing your point of view though but there will come a point where you'll put too much strain on the relationship and have to break up anyway due just to being sexually incompatible.

I would say don't torture yourself OP because you're not going to be able to 'fix' what's not broken, but you should try and find someone you're more sexually compatible with for the sake of both of your long term happiness.

I'm not a cold individual, however I appreciate I may have gone to far with the post, but that's the way I decided to portray it.
I appreciate your feedback, however I find it somewhat immature. Nowhere did I mention anything about threesomes or "four on the floor...". I am very aware relationships are not like prone, or 50 shades of grey, however I do feel that it should be more than just the literal act of sex and then move on. Relationships are about more than that, it is about the time spent with the partner. It doesn't have to be swinging from the rafters etc and as I mentioned, I believe it is predominantly down to my OH's lack of experience, which can be fixed through education and practice, along with discussion.

Your reply appears to assume I want a wild and wonderful sex life with multiple partners who will fulfil my every desire. This is not the case, and from my experience is generally an attitude that would be associated with men, rather than women. I am not revealing my gender, however I feel your reply took a very one sided point of view by assuming I'm male and want what I would describe as a wolf of wall street type sex life.
I do appreciate your reply, and the fact you pointed out the post is a bit cold. However I feel you need to take a step back and look at this from a neutral, non gender specific standpoint, as well as understanding that I am aware of what a "normal" sexual relationship looks like, rather than a fantasy one.

LegacyUser

strobe wrote: »

I'd agree with Czarcasm in that your post and how you seem to think about things comes across very 'cold' and almost workman like. In other words, the opposite of fun and adventurous and exciting - which seems to be how you wish things were more like. If you are coming across the same to your partner in relation to things then it's only going to have the opposite effect to what you want - especially if they are quite inexperienced and therefore probably lacking a bit of confidence in relation to trying more 'adventurous' things. It would be a bit intimidating for want of a better word and honestly, I'd imagine a bit of a turn-off and a passion killer - would make it harder for them to just be in the moment and go with the flow when it comes to trying different things.

I suppose my advice would be to stop treating sex so seriously, it's meant to be fun. And if you want it to be more fun for you focus on making it fun for them. Get away for the attitude of calculating how often this or that is done and working through a check list of things to be done. Let your partner know how much fun you think x or y or z could be, fun for them and for you together, not 'things I want done' or 'things I want to do' but more 'I think you would really like this, it could be a lot of fun for us, why don't we give it a try once and see.' Also, ask them, in a light hearted and fun way rather than quizing them (maybe when you are being somewhat filrty with each other but away from the bedroom), about what they might like to try at some point but not necessarily right away, they might surprise you, and once they begin to open up about things a little and feel a little more comfortable about talking about things without having to feel like they can give 'a wrong answer' things will probably progress naturally enough.

Very interesting reply, and possibly what Czarcasm was hinting at, except far better articulated and you have some valid suggestions and points to go along with the criticism of the post, which is fair enough.
First, as I said I am in no way a cold person, and I am fun and adventurous especially in this area. I am also pretty careful at not forcing things on my partner, however I do suggest things that could be fun for the both of us.
The reason the post appears that I want this that or the other, is because I am typing it myself. Naturally I want x for the benefit and enjoyment of both of us. I should have said that originally, but to me there is no other way, so it seemed like a stupid point to make as it was obvious and the only option. Lesson learned.

Suggesting things that could be fun for both of us is an interesting one and you mention the key word I thought of yesterday. Confidence.
My OH is seriously lacking in confidence (not generally, just in terms of sex) and also experience is a player of that also.
The confidence issue makes everything else much harder, especially not seeing there is no wrong answer. They sometimes think they don't know any answer, when they do, but a lack of experience means they it doesn't come to mind. Build confidence and experience, and this is solved.
So take a good suggestion by you, which I have tried, of suggesting things at times when not in the bedroom, they kind of only agree because I've suggested, no matter how I articulate it and say how it will benefit both of us. The desire to try isn't their, primarily due to confidence, which is part due to experience. I'm pretty experienced with communication etc so its not how I'm saying it or portraying it, it is down to having no confidence to try, for fear of getting it wrong.

If my OH starts to want to try, for their own sake as well as ours, rather than mine, then I believe this is the path to happiness on both sides. However this wanting to try is down to confidence which I need to help improve, which takes time.
If an attitude of "sure what can go wrong, if we try x and either it doesn't work or whatever else then we move on and try something else" is forefront in their mind as well as mine, then I think we could very possibly find what we both mutually love and it will become natural.

strobe

issues2014 wrote: »

Very interesting reply, and possibly what Czarcasm was hinting at, except far better articulated and you have some valid suggestions and points to go along with the criticism of the post, which is fair enough.
First, as I said I am in no way a cold person, and I am fun and adventurous especially in this area. I am also pretty careful at not forcing things on my partner, however I do suggest things that could be fun for the both of us.
The reason the post appears that I want this that or the other, is because I am typing it myself. Naturally I want x for the benefit and enjoyment of both of us. I should have said that originally, but to me there is no other way, so it seemed like a stupid point to make as it was obvious and the only option. Lesson learned.

Suggesting things that could be fun for both of us is an interesting one and you mention the key word I thought of yesterday. Confidence.
My OH is seriously lacking in confidence (not generally, just in terms of sex) and also experience is a player of that also.
The confidence issue makes everything else much harder, especially not seeing there is no wrong answer. They sometimes think they don't know any answer, when they do, but a lack of experience means they it doesn't come to mind. Build confidence and experience, and this is solved.
So take a good suggestion by you, which I have tried, of suggesting things at times when not in the bedroom, they kind of only agree because I've suggested, no matter how I articulate it and say how it will benefit both of us. The desire to try isn't their, primarily due to confidence, which is part due to experience. I'm pretty experienced with communication etc so its not how I'm saying it or portraying it, it is down to having no confidence to try, for fear of getting it wrong.

If my OH starts to want to try, for their own sake as well as ours, rather than mine, then I believe this is the path to happiness on both sides. However this wanting to try is down to confidence which I need to help improve, which takes time.
If an attitude of "sure what can go wrong, if we try x and either it doesn't work or whatever else then we move on and try something else" is forefront in their mind as well as mine, then I think we could very possibly find what we both mutually love and it will become natural.

(I didn't mean to suggest you were a cold person or that you didn't care about their enjoyment, just that that is the attitude that bleeds through, seemingly unrealised, in your post and as such the same may be happening when you are broaching the subject with your partner without you realising.)

Then I think maybe approaching things from the angle of ensuring they feel comfortable in suggesting things and encouraging them (gently and light heartedly and in a fun way with no pressure) to suggest things, rather than you suggesting things, might be the way to go, if you know what I mean.

I've actually found myself in your position on a few occasions over the years, as well as being somewhat in your partners position at one stage.

Obviously everyone is different, but it's been my experience that most people are somewhat adventurous in relation to sex and have a desire to try different things, but the expression of those desires really needs to come from within them. And the key to that is ensuring an environment where they begin to feel completely comfortable in bringing things up. In terms of them being able to suggest "I think I'd like to try x sometime" and not feel like you are going to then immediately want or expect x, or they absolutely have to do x because they've shown an interest in it. They have to feel like they can express their desires for trying things without it starting a countdown clock towards when they have to act on them.

Basically, you first have to ensure they feel comfortable verbalising a desire to try out different things (that's the main hurdle) and then have the patience to allow them to set the pace in regards to actually dipping their toes.

Again, everybody is different and this may not apply to your partner, but I'd guess that once they are over the initial hurdle of feeling confident enough to suggest things they'd be interested in trying, or would like you to do, or would like to do themselves, that being excited about you suggesting things and being enthusiastic about trying different things out will follow naturally enough.

However like Czarcasms post above suggested, it may just be the case that your partner doesn't have any interest in the sexual things that you do, yet again, everybody is different, so if that is the case and they don't express any desire to try any of the things you would like to try then you may have to accept that the two of you just aren't sexually compatible in this way and if that's too big a thing for you then it's probably for the best if you each go your seperate ways and each find someone else you are better suited to.

LegacyUser

strobe wrote: »

(I didn't mean to suggest you were a cold person or that you didn't care about their enjoyment, just that that is the attitude that bleeds through, seemingly unrealised, in your post and as such the same may be happening when you are broaching the subject with your partner without you realising.)

Then I think maybe approaching things from the angle of ensuring they feel comfortable in suggesting things and encouraging them (gently and light heartedly and in a fun way with no pressure) to suggest things, rather than you suggesting things, might be the way to go, if you know what I mean.

I've actually found myself in your position on a few occasions over the years, as well as being somewhat in your partners position at one stage.

Obviously everyone is different, but it's been my experience that most people are somewhat adventurous in relation to sex and have a desire to try different things, but the expression of those desires really needs to come from within them. And the key to that is ensuring an environment where they begin to feel completely comfortable in bringing things up. In terms of them being able to suggest "I think I'd like to try x sometime" and not feel like you are going to then immediately want or expect x, or they absolutely have to do x because they've shown an interest in it. They have to feel like they can express their desires for trying things without it starting a countdown clock towards when they have to act on them.

Basically, you first have to ensure they feel comfortable verbalising a desire to try out different things (that's the main hurdle) and then have the patience to allow them to set the pace in regards to actually dipping their toes.

Patience is tough. But the most patience is needed in the beginning. Again, everybody is different and this may not apply to your partner, but I'd guess that once they are over the initial hurdle of feeling confident enough to suggest things they'd be interested in trying, or would like you to do, or would like to do themselves, that being ok with you suggesting things and being enthusiastic about trying different things out will follow reasonably quickly.

Very, very helpful, thank you so much, genuinely.

I appreciate it was just the tone and you weren't aiming it at me as a person, I just wanted to confirm that I wasn't like that!!

You raise a number of good points, and its pretty much along the same lines as I was thinking, but the way you said it all just flips it to a very slightly different angle which gives me a very good place to start from.

I think that your right in saying that most people are somewhat adventurous in this regard, and its just a matter of making them comfortable to express their desires. However in my case, my partner comes across as not wanting to try anything, and indeed appears to have no desire to try, so it looks to me from the outside that their are no ideas or adventures in there wanting to get out.
However I feel that this is due to a lack of experience and confidence, and an increase in these could easily see them wanting to try new things and having their own ideas to put forward.

I do also like what you say about the fact that once something is suggested, it is important for both of us to be aware that there is no ticking clock as to when it needs to be tried. Along with there being far less pressure to suggest, it also stops situations being forced instead of natural and spontaneous.

Czarcasm

issues2014 wrote: »

I'm not a cold individual, however I appreciate I may have gone to far with the post, but that's the way I decided to portray it.
I appreciate your feedback, however I find it somewhat immature. Nowhere did I mention anything about threesomes or "four on the floor...". I am very aware relationships are not like prone, or 50 shades of grey, however I do feel that it should be more than just the literal act of sex and then move on. Relationships are about more than that, it is about the time spent with the partner. It doesn't have to be swinging from the rafters etc and as I mentioned, I believe it is predominantly down to my OH's lack of experience, which can be fixed through education and practice, along with discussion.

OP I think you need to look at your own opening post again to see what I mean by cold and clinical. Your partner isn't a patient in a psychosexual experiment you're carrying out, but that's the way you talk about them. Lack of experience has nothing to do with sexual ability or desire. I think you're going the wrong way about this, but something tells me you won't be told any different. Look again at your OP -

issues2014 wrote: »

Without getting to specific, I find that my indications in the bedroom are often ignored, rather than refused. Not always, but 60% of the time I'd say, with only a further 10% being refused. Pretty much because, I would imagine, my OH just doesn't know how or what to do, but also, crucially, is not of the frame of mind to try. Their perspective is "this is how its done and I've no idea what else to do (that bit is subconscious), and sure why would you, isn't this it, the rest of it is weird". The rest of it being toys, locations, positions, fun in general etc etc.

My issue is that I would love to fix this, as I believe it is mainly down to inexperience on my OH's end, however from previous experience I have found that everything becomes far to forced in these situations.
I naturally will discuss this in depth with them before making and major decisions, but from my eyes, it is a deal breaker if its not fixed as it is a major part of any relationship.

So my questions are I suppose, any suggestions? am I being unreasonable? is there a proper way to fix this when my OH has had no other sexual partners? Can it be fixed without being forced?
Part of me is thinking to just tell my OH that this is boring, lack of sexual attraction is a big issue for me right now, and to see where my OH takes it from there, with effort on my part too. That way I haven't given specifics which can be seen to be forced or only being done because I suggested. Then revisit in a number of weeks or months and see where we are.
But then part of me is thinking, maybe we're just not meant to be...

I've omitted genders out of this to keep a neutral standpoint for now, and may introduce them as this progresses. I will say its a hetrosexual relationship.

Bit of background, I noticed this over a number of months and finally put my finger on it when a mutual friend who is in a relationship started flirting with me and me back (only a few minutes, not trying anything, purely just joking, but definitely mild tension. We're both old enough to appreciate it at the time and not do anything, appreciating what we have) in front of my OH who noticed and saw the fun side of it.
I realised fun like this has been missing for a while, and the mutual friend would be up for interesting times, I would imagine due to experience.
This is what got me thinking.

Any help appreciated, as I said, discussion is in the pipeline, I just want a neutral standpoint.

Thanks a million folks.

Your reply appears to assume I want a wild and wonderful sex life with multiple partners who will fulfil my every desire.

You talk about toys and locations and how flirting with your friend led you to thinking based on experience that they would be up for 'some fun'. I didn't have to make assumptions when you laid out the facts.

This is not the case, and from my experience is generally an attitude that would be associated with men, rather than women.

You'd be wrong either way, it's 50/50, but from my experience your attitude is generally an attitude that would be associated with people who think they know it all, how enlightened and sexually liberated they are, etc. Painful to listen to really.

I am not revealing my gender, however I feel your reply took a very one sided point of view by assuming I'm male and want what I would describe as a wolf of wall street type sex life.

Ease up there, I never made any assumption about your gender. Be a three-legged horse for all I care. My advice would stand regardless of your gender. You assumed I thought you were male, what does that say about your own gender bias? Stop trying to be all clinical and clever and intellectual and just talk like a normal person, because if this is the way you talk to your partner and if this is why you view them as boring, then I'd suggest that it's more a reflection on you than it is on them!

There seems to be no passion or spark or emotion in you at all, and for you then to suggest that my opinion is immature? You're trying too hard to be objective and you're coming off very subjective. Nobody tops you.

I do appreciate your reply, and the fact you pointed out the post is a bit cold. However I feel you need to take a step back and look at this from a neutral, non gender specific standpoint, as well as understanding that I am aware of what a "normal" sexual relationship looks like, rather than a fantasy one.

I think I need to take a step back from such nonsense before I earn myself an infarction for trying to get through to someone who clearly has no intention of listening to anybody but themselves, or at least those who agree with them. Your relationship IS normal, and what you DO want is a fantasy (the relationship as you think it SHOULD be with your toys and your locations and your threesomes). You'll never have ANY of that while you look at your partner as boring. What a horrible way to look at someone, and it's a reflection in my experience that the person who thinks that way is the person who indeed needs to take a long, hard look at themselves.

LegacyUser

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I think you need to look at your own opening post again to see what I mean by cold and clinical. Your partner isn't a patient in a psychosexual experiment you're carrying out, but that's the way you talk about them. Lack of experience has nothing to do with sexual ability or desire. I think you're going the wrong way about this, but something tells me you won't be told any different. Look again at your OP -

You talk about toys and locations and how flirting with your friend led you to thinking based on experience that they would be up for 'some fun'. I didn't have to make assumptions when you laid out the facts.

You'd be wrong either way, it's 50/50, but from my experience your attitude is generally an attitude that would be associated with people who think they know it all, how enlightened and sexually liberated they are, etc. Painful to listen to really.

Ease up there, I never made any assumption about your gender. Be a three-legged horse for all I care. My advice would stand regardless of your gender. You assumed I thought you were male, what does that say about your own gender bias? Stop trying to be all clinical and clever and intellectual and just talk like a normal person, because if this is the way you talk to your partner and if this is why you view them as boring, then I'd suggest that it's more a reflection on you than it is on them!

There seems to be no passion or spark or emotion in you at all, and for you then to suggest that my opinion is immature? You're trying too hard to be objective and you're coming off very subjective. Nobody tops you.

I think I need to take a step back from such nonsense before I earn myself an infarction for trying to get through to someone who clearly has no intention of listening to anybody but themselves, or at least those who agree with them. Your relationship IS normal, and what you DO want is a fantasy (the relationship as you think it SHOULD be with your toys and your locations and your threesomes). You'll never have ANY of that while you look at your partner as boring. What a horrible way to look at someone, and it's a reflection in my experience that the person who thinks that way is the person who indeed needs to take a long, hard look at themselves.

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this. You have the complete wrong end of the stick here. Strobe is on the correct path. Maybe its my fault for how I worded it, but I'm not convinced as 2 other posters have understood me with a small amount of clarification.

However I will make one point. I never suggested that I wanted a threesome with the friend. You read that wrong, and I find it interesting that you took the meaning of flirting with one person being up for some fun to mean me wanting a threesome with them and my partner.
My point was that they were coming across as a bit more adventurous and would be up for more than the act of sex, they would be up for a bit of trying and a bit more adventure. I know them well, and I know this to be the case. So I didn't lay it out, you read it wrong when two others didn't. Maybe I wasn't clear enough but as I said I find that hard to believe.

As I have already said, I appreciate some of your points. However if you fear getting an infraction by trying to force your view of my relationship on me, when I have said quite clearly that what you say is not the case, then please feel free to just observe this thread from now on, as I feel your reply wouldn't be overly helpful.
I am sure you are quite helpful on the forum, but in this case we don't see eye to eye.

I think it's a bit harsh on the OP
I'd be feeling cold if someone kept rejecting things I suggested or hinted at as well with no apparent interest in things I liked or wanted to try together as a couple. Trying to find out the reasons why they might be rejecting all the time and wondering if it's a communication or experience issue as opposed to simply not wanting it is the next valid question imo. The former can be resolved, and the latter sounds like simple incompatibility.
I can also understand that if you're feeling frustrated and lacking something in the relationship, you might be more inclined to see it outside and go yeah, that's the kind of thing I am looking for. Of course, you then very much need to direct your energies back into the relationship and forget about the outside for a while...

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

I think it's a bit harsh on the OP
I'd be feeling cold if someone kept rejecting things I suggested or hinted at as well with no apparent interest in things I liked or wanted to try together as a couple. Trying to find out the reasons why they might be rejecting all the time and wondering if it's a communication or experience issue as opposed to simply not wanting it is the next valid question imo. The former can be resolved, and the latter sounds like simple incompatibility.
I can also understand that if you're feeling frustrated and lacking something in the relationship, you might be more inclined to see it outside and go yeah, that's the kind of thing I am looking for. Of course, you then very much need to direct your energies back into the relationship and forget about the outside for a while...

Thank you for your support.
I definitely agree about the former being fixable and the latter being incompatibility. I will be discussing this with my partner, in a sensitive way, but one which will give an ultimate answer in time.
You're also spot on about seeing something outside the relationship that I want, and I'd like to point out that I agree that energies need to be focused on the relationship, not on the outside. The outside serves the purpose of showing an idea of what is wanted, which is attainable in this relationship with work, if we are compatible.
If I wasn't willing to focus the energy on developing the relationship in this regard, I would simply take the easy route and remain with the outside influences, rather than fixing what the issue is.

issues2014

issues2014 wrote: »

If I wasn't willing to focus the energy on developing the relationship in this regard, I would simply take the easy route and remain with the outside influences, rather than fixing what the issue is.

It wasn't a dig, more of a clarification/disclaimer

Czarcasm

issues2014 wrote: »

I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this. You have the complete wrong end of the stick here. Strobe is on the correct path. Maybe its my fault for how I worded it, but I'm not convinced as 2 other posters have understood me with a small amount of clarification.

However I will make one point. I never suggested that I wanted a threesome with the friend. You read that wrong, and I find it interesting that you took the meaning of flirting with one person being up for some fun to mean me wanting a threesome with them and my partner.
My point was that they were coming across as a bit more adventurous and would be up for more than the act of sex, they would be up for a bit of trying and a bit more adventure. I know them well, and I know this to be the case. So I didn't lay it out, you read it wrong when two others didn't. Maybe I wasn't clear enough but as I said I find that hard to believe.

As I have already said, I appreciate some of your points. However if you fear getting an infraction by trying to force your view of my relationship on me, when I have said quite clearly that what you say is not the case, then please feel free to just observe this thread from now on, as I feel your reply wouldn't be overly helpful.
I am sure you are quite helpful on the forum, but in this case we don't see eye to eye.

OP I mean this with the greatest of respect, but I think you're being ridiculously evasive and immature about this whole issue. I'm not trying to force anything on you, just like you're not trying to force anything on your partner, but your approach makes them feel that way which puts them off, the same way you're put off my opinion. I don't think you're as good at communication as you think you are. Communication is a two way process and you seem unwilling to acknowledge that perhaps your partner is satisfied with your sex life and doesn't feel it necessary to try toys/positions/locations, etc. Perhaps instead of forcing your opinion on your partner, you might just be better off accepting that you're merely sexually incompatible as a couple.

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

It wasn't a dig, more of a clarification/disclaimer

Ah I know, I was just saying!

Czarcasm wrote: »

OP I mean this with the greatest of respect, but I think you're being ridiculously evasive and immature about this whole issue. I'm not trying to force anything on you, just like you're not trying to force anything on your partner, but your approach makes them feel that way which puts them off, the same way you're put off my opinion. I don't think you're as good at communication as you think you are. Communication is a two way process and you seem unwilling to acknowledge that perhaps your partner is satisfied with your sex life and doesn't feel it necessary to try toys/positions/locations, etc. Perhaps instead of forcing your opinion on your partner, you might just be better off accepting that you're merely sexually incompatible as a couple.

Ok I appreciate you point about my approach, maybe it hasn't been correct, hence I'm here looking for advice on how to fix it.
I don't think I'm good at communication, I know I am. Based not on my own opinion of myself, but based on my profession, pay scale, and knowledge of my life to date. I wouldn't be where I am if I wasn't. I appreciate you may not see it that way, based on a few anonymous posts which I have deliberately kept vague and distant, but I know me and while I may be wrong on a lot of levels, I'm not wrong on that.

I do like your point about my partner being satisfied with our sex life however, and it is something to think about. Thank you. If they are, then yes I would agree we are incompatible.
However I don't agree that that can be decided immediately. Primarily due to the fact that they don't have experience of sex other than with me, and in previous discussions with my partner, the lack of experience means they just don't know either what to do or what there missing. This is made even harder by their lack of willingness to try, due to confidence issues.

The reason I think we need to work on it rather than part ways is that all other aspects of the relationship are excellent and if we did part ways, knowing my partner as I do, I firmly believe that in time they would slowly begin to try new things as they are put in different situations. This would result that if my partner ended up in time to come, in a relationship with the same sex life as we have now, they would be unsatisfied. It is for this reason that I think it is worthwhile to try to fix this in the long term. I'm not saying it will definitely work, but I think that if there is a good chance it will, its worth a shot.

If firmly believe my partner will get to a time when they are somewhat more adventurous in the bedroom. That is either going to be through experience with different partners (resulting in better confidence after an initial period of disaster thinking they are not good enough after a relationship failed due to it) after we throw away everything good we have together, or we work together to slowly get them there and remain in an otherwise very happy relationship, building confidence and experience as we go.

Chara1001

If you don't mind op, what was it that made you see you weren't happy in the bedroom? According to your op, you worked it out by a process of elimination but realized it 3.5 years into a four year relationship- which is a long time. Was it just something you couldn't put your finger on or was this other person you mentioned the catalyst?

Look, we all had to start somewhere, i'd be hesitant to accept the opinion that your OH's sexual confidence is down to their inexperience only- they're not that inexperienced anymore, they've been having sex with you for the last four years!
To me they should be having sex with someone they know and love very confidently at this stage- which makes me think that it could be related to their deep rooted ideas about sex being 'dirty' more so. Have you talked about this much?

I also think it's extremely hard to hide intimate issues, and i would think that you OH has an inkling that something isn't right- do they avoid the subject completely or are they willing to talk about things?
I think you've been given some very good advice here about putting it in a way that you are giving rather than receiving, and you should definitely give that a go:)

Just to mention, and I know you have already acknowledged it, but the clinical way you write is overshadowing your content. It's very difficult to read around it. I'm working from home today and deliberately trying to avoid doing something I should be, so I have read and re-read your posts a few times to get at what I think you're trying to say. Personally i think you might want to write more naturally so your style of writing isn't a negative distraction.

One last thing- to me it boils down to being either a sexual or a sexual compatibility issue, and you need to find out which. So you should have a chat. also op, I would doubt it's 100% their problem- maybe you're not putting yourself across in a way your OH can ease into the ideas you have, I know you have said you're a very good communicator, but highly articulate and effective communication aren't quite the same, and I see Czarcasm's point here very well.

Jut some thoughts:)

Czarcasm

Ok, I'm not going to dwell too long on your belief in your communication skills, suffice to say that your qualifications, profession, etc aren't really relevant to your relationship and how you communicate with your partner. They're two very different things. I wouldn't communicate with my wife the same way I communicate with professional colleagues. I'm genuinely making an effort to understand where you're coming from, but you would understand that because you're being vague and distant (and defensive even!), you're putting up numerous barriers to effective communication. Therefore you're making it difficult to decipher exactly what the issue is you're experiencing, and as I'm reading your posts I'm being given to understand that this isn't just a sexual issue, but more of a personality clash issue, as in you want adventure and spontaneity, whereas your feel your partner isn't comfortable or confident enough yet to allow themselves to be adventurous or spontaneous?

You said that in previous talks with your partner that they just don't know what to do (but you feel this is subconscious?) or what they're 'missing'. Your partner doesn't sound like they feel they're missing anything. It is you who feels you're missing something. You're projecting your own issues onto your partner. You're focussing on them being the cause or the fault for what you feel is lacking in your relationship.

I think you're far too focussed on your partners inexperience as the cause of what you're putting down to a lack of confidence, and like I said in my initial post- trying to 'fix' something that just isn't broken. I wouldn't go involving anyone else in your relationship, that rarely ever ends well (if I'm understanding you correctly, I think the only person who can give your partner the experience you think they lack, is the person who feels they lack experience, ie - you!).

What it comes down to really is that your partner has communicated to you that they're happy with you, and they're happy with your sex life, and they're happy with your relationship, but you're unwilling to accept this because you're firmly sticking to the belief that they can't be happy because they're missing out on so much, and they're missing out because they're unwilling to try new things, and they're unwilling to try new things because they're not very sexually confident, and if only they would try new things they wouldn't be so boring.

Telling your partner they're boring is not the way to build up their confidence. I may not be able to articulate myself as well as strobe and Mike, but any idiot could tell you that much, even if their communication skills weren't up to your level.

CaraMay

Your communication skills in this thread have been very poor...

The first thing that jumped out to me was that your partner sees sex with you as a chore. The next thing that struck me was they maybe there is no chemistry from their side but they are staying in the relationship for other reasons.

meeeeh

This can be boiled down to I'm bored with sex we have. I think that my partner doesn't want to or have the confidence to try new things. I fancy my friend.

Firstly higher number of sexual partners doesn't guarantee more experience and more adventurous spirit. If he was not able to learn anything in four years with you then either you two are not sexually compatible or you were not clear enough telling him what you want. Huge part of sex is communication and if you are vas good in communication as you say then the other option is more likely. Of course you could buy some sex toys that you want to try and surprise him in the bedroom. Or you could suggest watching some porn together or buying a book. You could also agree to try something new once per week, once per twoo weeks, moth... You should be able to judge by his reaction how far he is prepared to go and if you are prepared to settle for that.

As for the friend either stop flirting or dump your bf and have fun with someone more adventurous.

pharmaton

I read your first post as female OP, I could be wrong but I sense the lack of adventure is because you enjoy a different kind of stimulation. Your thread itself is almost game like, I suspect that's more in line with what you look for, someone willing to rise up and play it with you. How compatible are you and your partner otherwise?

CaliforniaDream

I'm going to agree with most opinions that your posts come across in a strange way.
I get the impression that you feel superior to your other half because you have 'more experience'. But as most of us know, quality over quantity. If you have been having regular sex with your partner for 4 years and you still don't enjoy it, then perhaps you're not the great teacher you think you are. People learn about sex and what they enjoy through the people they have it with. If you feel you have more knowledge and more experience than your partner then you should have been able to share your knowledge with them by now.

I think you're being overly harsh on your partner and as pointed out, you're probably not communicating your desires in the correct way. Have an open, honest and relaxed conversation with them. Do not suggest for a second to them that you think they're boring and inexperienced. Nobody wants to hear that and it can cause more damage than you realise. In fact, your partner may have picked up on this already and this is where the hesitation comes from.
Who wants to feel judged by their long term partner every time you have sex. Of course it's not always going to be wonderful but that's just part of being in a relationship. The good times should outweigh the bad times but no one should be criticized for it.

Lastly, I don't know why you've made an issue by not revealing whether you're male or female, but this is another thing that pops out at me.
You're creating issues where there are none. Had you said your gender in the OP no one would have drawn on that fact. It wouldn't change the responses. However, you've now made a big deal of it and I think this is due to your own preconceptions and generalisations.

Try and step back and take a look at yourself before you continue to blame your partner and see if it is really an issue with them or yourself.
You might realise that you are indeed sexually incompatible and then you can decide what to do from there.