Not sure what to do

LegacyUser

Hi Guys,

Wondering peoples perspective on this.

Me and my partner have been going out for 5 years, its getting to wedding bells stage. We work hard during the week and sometimes might only get to talk/see each other ten minutes before nodding off for the night, its for this reason I think weekend time is special. We both have are own interests which involves time away at the weekend. He like his social life which is fine i like mine too...but lately his social life fills all his extra time (i.e Sunday booze sessions) and there is nothing left for me. For example i was away this weekend with friends, he texts me on the Saturday night when he got in from the night out saying he missed me in the bed. Anyway roll on Sunday I get home around 3 oclock, I kind of made an effort to be home early to spend some time together. he isn't at home I give him a ring, he answers and says he is giving his friend a hand and i said fine ill see him later. anyway 8 oclock come no sign I ring no answer i ring again no answer. Little side note here, when he doesnt answer it usually means he is boozing. If I didnt answer my phone when he rang a few times he would give out saying I never answer my phone,he was worried about, i didnt tell him where I was going etc. but when he doesnt answer the phone I'm expected not to be bothered. When he goes off radar, I always think what if I needed to get him incase of an emergency.. the fact is I wouldnt, i swear I can see him in my head taking his phone out when it rings sees its me and puts it back in his pocket. anyway back to yesterday around 10 taxi pulls in and he arrives home absolutely bladdered talking nonsense. Throws himself into bed and i get no sleep listening to him snore all night. This has happened the 3 weekend out of the last 4 and the only reason why it didnt happen that one weekend was because we were at a weekend. I dont begrudge him having a good time, but if you go hell for leather on a Saturday night I would think you could give Sunday a miss. He doesnt get hangover so he isnt going for that hair of the dog. Anyway in my head what if I get trapped in this with marriage and end up holding the baby literally. You may think he just has to grow up... believe me he is grown up, children will not change him. I dont relish giving out, I dont want to give out, I dont want to be a mother figure for him. i know he loves me and I love him whole heartedly, but this predicament is wearing me thin, he wants to marry me but im afraid when he asks me I wont be able to say yes.

GreeBo

Have you spoken to him about it OP?

I think thats always the first step, tell him how it makes you feel and that you are worried about the future following the same pattern...

best of luck

CaraMay

You need to talk to him about it first of all.

I wouldn't be tying myself to a fella who has all the signs of walking straight into a serious drink problem.

Tokyo

Hi Op,

with all due respect, you seem to be a little bit judgmental regarding your partner's social life, without recognising that your own social life also has equal impact. Ignoring the drinking issue for a minute, the facts are that you both decided to spend the weekend with your respective friends - you say that "weekend time is special, yet you went away with yours until 3pm on Sunday, he spent the weekend with his. There's a bit of having-your-cake-and-eating-it here to be honest, in that you want to spend Friday through to Sunday afternoon with your friends, and then are upset that he isn't waiting for you at 3pm.

I would suggest that rather than handing ALL of the responsibility over to him, maybe you should BOTH take a step back for your respective social lives and spend some time alone together. or find areas where your social lives overlap so that you can share nights out. And of course, as has been mentioned, that involves talking to each other. Not blaming, or rationalising, just talking and seeing where you can both work on this.

The drinking that you describe IS a separate issue, and should be treated as so, IMHO. It's possible that he is going down a dangerous road with this, and you need to talk about it as a couple, and for you to show how it is impacting you now, and may do even moreso in the future. Try to be supportive in this rather than going down the road of "you're throwing everything away!!!", and let him know that you will help however you can.

sopretty

Is this a once off for him to go drinking on a Saturday and Sunday or is it the same every weekend?

MagicMarker

I agree with Mike, the first thing that jumps out in your post is you going away with friends for most of the weekend after complaining about your OH spending his weekends socializing without you.

Just a tad hypocritical if you ask me.

Other than that, why not tell him today that you want to have this weekend coming just for yourselves? See what he says.

Lux23

Did you say to him that you would be back Sunday? It sounds like you were expecting him to be sitting there waiting for you to get back.

Maybe you are both taking each other for granted and need to organise a couple of date nights a month?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your responses.

As I said I would never begrudge his social life. I think weekends should be special time and sometimes organised events like hens, stag, club events,organised nights out with friends etc get in the way of our own weekends but its fine we understand that about each other.

Drinking aside, the problem yesterday was i rang on the way home and he was out giving his friend a hand and that we would catch up later and later never materialized! if he had rang and said that they had finished up work and they were going for a few cheeky ones to top the days work off I would of said thats fine im heading to bed early and catch up the winks after the weekend away. Instead of this situation it was me left at home waiting for him.

sopretty

Ok, it's hard to come to grips really with what exactly you're taking issue with. Is it his drinking, or his ignoring your calls? Have you asked him why he didn't answer your calls or let you know what he was doing? Certainly, it is very ignorant on his part to ignore your phone calls, if that is what he did. Does he do this a lot, or is this the first instance of this?

Tokyo

That's the point being made though, OP. You both have an expectation of being able to do your own thing, and then when nothing is happening, you expect to be able to call up the other and expect them to be there. If you really do think that weekends should be special time, then be a bit more proactive about it.

I really do think that you both need to set aside some time, in advance - not just a phone call on the way back from a weekend out with your friends. Decide mid week that you are doing to do something together for the weekend, and stick to it. Say no to the girls nights out, or the guys weekend in the pub if needs be. I'm also not entirely sure why some of these nights out can't overlap? Surely you both have some friends in common where you can go out as a couple?

December2012

It seems odd to me that you're. Or making time for each other. 10 minutes a night and the occasional weekend together is less than most couples only starting to go out.

I think you're probably both taking each other for granted and you are not nurturing your relationship. And if that doesn't feel right then maybe your relationship has run it's course?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I must of left out key information here. We live together, we do go out socializing together, my issue is that out of the last 4 weekends he has gone off radar and gone getting steamed on mid Sunday and i could be expecting home for dinner or anything. What I worry about is if we get married and this behavior continued I would be left holding the baby while her husband goes rogue, im worried about the lack of support

Tokyo

Ok, have you tried talking to him about this and seeing what he has to say??? It's been mentioned quite a few times already, and realistically nobody can really give you advice at this stage other than to do that. If he turns around and gives you the impression that he couldn't be bothered changing, then yes, that's another matter, but right now you need to be talking to HIM about what is going on, and getting his take on the situation.....

username123

OP, Can you clarify what the issue is exactly?

Is it the drinking, the lack of communication, the change of plans to suit himself or the lack of time spent together? (or all of these things?)

Have you talked to him about it?

What happens after he changes plans to suit himself - do you not say something along the lines of "You said you would be home at whatever time but you didnt arrive home til much later and you were so drunk you made no sense and I got no sleep from the snoring?" - I mean, what actually happens when you address one of these situations?

sopretty

I can see your problem then. He seems to have a history of going on a bender and effectively 'switching off'. You're now thinking in terms of future babies, and whether he would behave in a similar manner with you left at home with a screaming baby and no support from him, am I correct?
To be honest, I suppose, the only advice I could give you would be to first of all go with your gut instinct. Is he likely to become more responsible, remain the same, become even more irresponsible with the arrival of a baby?
What are you willing to accept?

I would suggest a serious chat with him. See if he changes his behaviour in the next few months. You might be able to get a bit more perspective then - when you figure out whether drinking is something he can take or leave (or not), and whether having the manners and respect to keep in contact with you while out and about is something he is willing to do (or not).

username123

Of course you should never marry anyone expecting that marriage will cause them to start behaving responsibly.

bee06

OP have you talked to him about this and told him it's an issue. If he's been doing this for ages and nothing's been said before maybe he just doesn't realise you've changing your acceptance of this part of his socialising because you're now thinking of children and marriage.

CaraMay

I agree with you op. He shouldn't be saying he is coming home and then not show and on top of that turning off his phone.

That's very strange op. Why would he turn off the phone if all he is doing is going for pints. Is he definitely with friends?

laois gael

This story has made me look closer at myself and maybe was wake up call I needed ..The last 2 years I have been going on these benders on nearly every sunday.It limits the time with my partner(now sometimes she did come with me)

It destroys the whole week as I'm depressed monday and tuesday really bad as in I don't want to hardly talk to people.Its having an effect on our realationship and on my working life its only when you see someone else write it down in black and white you start to think..

I think I need to look at where my life is going!

Is alcohol and socialising taken it over??

My I will be back to thank this Poster because it has hit home the effect I'm not only having on myself but on my partner!

Merkin

I would find him going incommunicado like that incredibly disrespectful tbh. And weird. If it were me, if there was at least some acknowledgement that he was going on a session and would be home in the evening it mightn't make it so bad but just not answering his phone shows a very unhealthy lack of respect. Why doesn't he want to speak to you exactly? Do you think he could be seeing someone else?

To all intents and purposes however it seems like you are living quite discrete lives. Having a ten-minute catch up followed by a snatched hour or two at the weekends isn't really conducive to a very open and happy relationship. Communication really is key and you seem to be like two ships passing in the night, you going off for most of the weekend and him avoiding you because he's drunk isn't really going to help matters.

You really need to start making time for each other and establishing what is and isn't acceptable for both of you.

And if you are thinking of getting married, please go into it with your eyes wide open knowing that you can never, or should you ever, hope to change someone because that simply is not going to happen. So if he doesn't curb his benders and his disappearing acts, these are not suddenly going to become non-issues as soon as you have a ring on your finger.

You guys really need to talk.