Partner checks my phone

LegacyUser

This seems really trival compared to some peoples problems on the page, but I just wanted to get peoples thoughts on this.

As the title says my partner checks my phone have caught him doing it twice he then lies about it saying he was looking for something else which makes no sense when he could check whatever on his own phone. If ive caught him twice I reckon he must be at it the whole time.

He assures me he trusts me but I find this hard to believe in light of the above.

I am someone who expects and appreciates my own privacy, I have no problem if laying on the couch with my partner, and my phone beeps and he asks whos that... how are they etc etc thats fine, but I really dont appreciate someone essentially searching though something of mine, it feels as tho hes looking for something incriminating, I have nothing to hide but that's not the point in my opinion.

Is this a minor thing that should be let go? or is it a bad sign of trust in the relationship?

CaraMay

It wouldn't be minor to me (a) because he is lying to your face and (b) cos he is at minimum nosey and more likely he doesn't trust you.

Not having anything to hide doesn't make matters better. You could have a very private text or email from a friend and he shouldn't have access to them. Likewise you are entitled to your privacy.

Is he clingy aside from that? Any other red flags? From my own experience, the people who have something to hide themselves are often the most suspicious (and up to no good) so keep your eyes and ears open.

First thing you do is put a pin on your phone and make sure he doesn't see it.

SingItOut

It is a sign of lack of trust on his part. Ask him can you search through his phone, see how he reacts.

Cork selfbuild

I'd see it as a minor thing... but can be super annoying. Its kinda tricky tho as if you confront it and he is untrusting or insecure then he will ask why whats the problem and probably come to the conclusion that you have something to hide...

Personally I'd say that I'd appreciate you not going through my phone, you more than welcome to ask me about anything on it, I've nothing to hide, but its my phone... and if it persisted I'd change the pin.

Czarcasm

prob wrote: »

Is this a minor thing that should be let go? or is it a bad sign of trust in the relationship?

This.

And the fact that he denies it OP is what actually makes this situation sound even worse. I would suggest you inform him that you're putting a PIN code / password on your phone because you're not comfortable with him invading your privacy.

If he says he isn't checking your phone, and he says he trusts you, then you putting a password on your phone shouldn't be an issue for him.

As for the relationship itself well you don't say what age either of you are or how long you're going out with each other but usually the privacy issues and phone/laptop checking is only a symptom of a bigger issue looming in the background.

tinkerbell

Yes, it's bad. It's clear he doesn't trust you if he's doing it behind your back and then denying it. Simple solution, put a password on your phone. He shouldn't be doing it.

ElleEm

I would see it as a fairly major issue, to be honest. He lacks trust in you if he feels the need to invade your privacy like that.

Myself and my partner are not secretive at all with our phones (with each other. I had a friend who snooped through my messages once. Not impressed!), and if I am driving and get a text, I will sometimes get him to check who it's from, etc. but if I walked into the room to find him reading my messages, I woukd go mad.

Your boyfriend is not only invading your privacy, but the privacy of your friends and family who send YOU messages in confidence. Put a pin on your phone and tell him when he asks that it is for privacy purposes.

Tokyo

OP, this behaviour doesn't stem from nowhere, and assuming that something hasn't happened in your relationship to trigger this, then it sounds like your boyfriend has been stung a bad relationship in the past and whatever trust issues he garnered from that have spilt over into your relationship.

Him checking your phone in itself is a minor thing, but it's indicative of a major problem, i.e. the lack of trust he currently has, and the fact that he's lying about it would indicate that he has no intention of facing up to the issue anytime soon.

I think you need to stop tippytoe-ing around his actions, and talk to him. Tell him calmly that you know he has been checking your phone (don't accept the denials), and tell him that you have care about him and that he has no reason to not trust you, but that this behavior has got to stop, and that you are happy to help him if he needs.

Hopefully he will see reason, but if you don't see any signs of change, then you may have to ask yourself if you want to continue being in a relationship where your partner doesn't trust you.

dipdip

It might not be a trust issue at all.

He might just be very nosey.

Either way it's a problem for you. A pin will solve his ability to access your things but won't address whatever the fundamental issue is.

Meauldsegosha

It would be an issue for me and not a minor one. I have one problem with my boyfriend looking through my phone but if he did it behind my back it would be a serious breach of trust for me. I would also have an issue with him lying about it.

OP you need to sit down with your boyfriend and tell him calmly and plainly that he has broken your trust.

Chara1001

It's one thing having an open agreement with phones, but it's another thing entirely snooping and checking it on the sly.

I wouldn't see it as minor either- I walked in on an ex checking my laptop history once. There was nothing to hide, but I don't know what he was looking for, and that's what I couldn't get out of my head.
It's at best curiosity and nosiness, more probably (IMO) a trust issue, but i agree with Mike, it points to something that could be a lot worse.
Have you said anything about it yet? If not I think you should, don't let him get on the defensive and turn it around about you not trusting him.
The lying to your face about it would be the biggest problem here for me.

LegacyUser

OP here

Thanks for the responses.

Backround; Im 29 and hes 24 been together bout year an half.
We have talked bout moving in together etc, but current situation wudnt allow for it for another few months. He hasnt been cheated on or anything in the past as far as Im aware and im pretty sure he would of said.

Its really not a case of being generally nosey cos it just doesn't fit tbh hes not like that. I have felt some of his questions have an accusatory tone.

Re the pin thing... the funny ...or not so funny thing is I have one already! to be fair its not a pin but a pattern lock. I have thought bout changing but feel like im then acting like im hiding something, but based on what u guys have said i think ill change it... by rights he shudnt notice ive changed it unless he tries to access it again.

and its not the case that he picks it up in front of me, once was when i was in the shower the other i was out of the room. It does create a bad vibe because now id think twice bout leaving my phone in a room when im not there. He hasn't really hidden the fact he was looking at it, as in it was still in his hand when i returned but then he goes on to question emails saying the emails were on screen when he picked it up which is plausible as it may have been the last thing I looked at on it.

Appreciate the comments, I will probably bring it up because to be honest its weighing on my mind, the first time I was like ok ...well that excuse sounds strange but ill let it go and forgot bout it but then it happened again and its been bothering me since.

CaraMay

What kind of questions have been accusatory?

m'lady

It may or may not bother people, but the fact is it is annoying you, so you need to say it to him. Personally it wouldn't bother me by OH using my phone or whatever but if I walked in and he was checking it then I wouldn't be impressed at all, same goes with his phone- I've picked it up if I need to use it but not for a nosey!

I agree with the poster that said it's also a lack of respect towards your friends and family who text you, and are unaware that he is reading these messages, I wouldn't text half of what I do to my friends if I knew they were being read by a third party!

You need to sit him down calmly and explain how your feeling, and see what he has to say.

Put a pin on it, and don't let him see it. If he asks for it tell him you're protecting the privacy of people who message you. If he objects, it's an opportunity to discuss boundaries with him. If he accuses you of hiding things, don't get defensive.

It's a red flag to me, but I hope you resolve it happily. It's a horrible feeling to be snooped on.

redbaron_99

This is annoying, and all too common these days. I think you should confront him about it. He obviously can't trust you, and he needs to overcome that before the two of you can have a healthy and balanced relationship.

Stavro Mueller

prob wrote: »

...

Its really not a case of being generally nosey cos it just doesn't fit tbh hes not like that. I have felt some of his questions have an accusatory tone.

..and its not the case that he picks it up in front of me, once was when i was in the shower the other i was out of the room. It does create a bad vibe because now id think twice bout leaving my phone in a room when im not there. He hasn't really hidden the fact he was looking at it, as in it was still in his hand when i returned but then he goes on to question emails saying the emails were on screen when he picked it up which is plausible as it may have been the last thing I looked at on it.
.

To be honest this would bother me greatly. What is he like in general? Do you ever feel that he is a bit controlling or that you feel like you're treading on eggshells? I'm not sure this is even a case of the guy having trust issues. I fear it's more that he's keeping an eye on things and that's ringing alarm bells for me.

Not that there is anything particularly exciting on my phone or emails but I'm not sure I would be able to forgive someone if they went behind my back and snooped like this. Putting a PIN on your phone is merely a sticking plaster. To me this guy's behaviour is a symptom of something nastier.

StripedBoxers

Your partner has no right to check your phone and it stinks of trust issues that he was checking your phone and denied it to your face after you caught him in the act.

Ask him how would he like it if he caught you doing the same to him?

Speak to him and put a PIN on the phone and if he asks why, tell him. And tell him to mind his own business in future. He's got some neck to behave like that. Cheek of him.

Penny Tration

I'd be very bothered by this.

I have nothing to hide and if my bf were nosey and asked who I was messaging, I'd hand him the phone (unless it was ny friend talking about her own stuff), and let him have a nose. He wouldn't ask though. He's similarly offered me his phone to go through, and I've declined. Sometimes he or I will show each other a silly message we've been sent on Facebook, but that's it.

If he says it just popped up on the screen, your answer shoud be - yes, but why did you read it instead of telling me I had an email?

I'd be very annoyed in your position, op, and would go so far as to cobsider it a dealbreaker.

If my bf was using my phone for whatever reason, I wouldn't mind. He's used it before, and answered texts for me, because he'll tell me I got a text and I'll ask him to read it for me. What your bf is doing is snooping. That's out of order. E

GreeBo

He could just be a nosy bugger OP, for me it would depend on if they were questioning you deeply about who people are and why they are texting/emailing you etc...if he was getting controlling or mad about it for example....

if he is just being nosy then stick on a pin and job done.