Feel a bit broken when it comes to relationships..

LegacyUser

Hi there,

Firstly thanks for reading this

I'm 32, female and all of a sudden watching my friends become parents and get more settled I've started to feel a little less comfortable with my single status.

I am fairly confident with how I look and I don't struggle at all meeting guys. That part is easy. I also find it relatively easy to get them interested in me, but at this point I back off, or find excuses not to preceed.

I've had a fairly unfortunate relationship/sex history.....

I lost my virginity at 14 to a 24 year old man, I was quite innocent and didn't even realise what he was doing to me...I think that situation gave me this weird complex about sex, I'm a bit scared of it even now, unless I really really know and trust someone.

My first boyfriend, when I was 22 was a complete bully, I'm ashamed of what I put up with from him for 5 years, but I was young, naive and in love.

Next relationship was with a man who adored me but was really controlling and although he never ever laid a finger on me he was quite aggressive in every other way, very manipulative and it took a lot of work from many people to get away from him.
We were together for 2 years.

My ability to allow myself to get involved with someone seems to have hit complications around this time.

I tried internet dating and I met some guys, one in particular who I hit off with and there is a definite chemistry- we dated for a few months but he has commitment issues and basically we've spent the last 2 years in this weird friends with benefits, just friends, friends with benefits, best friends, cycle. I adore him, but I think I only adore him because I can't actually have him. He's going abroad for a year and hopes to have resolved his relationship issues when he gets home but I really can't spend another 12 minutes waiting for him, never mind 12 months.

So, during this last 2 years, being aware of the unhealthy dynamics with this non-committal guy. I must have been on 15 internet dates! I just can't seem to strike a balance. I've had the expected zero chemistry awkward dates but I've also had some really good ones. One guy I really clicked with and actually slept with after 3 weeks of dating (that's fast for me) but another week after that and he decided he wasn't over his ex. The following week he was trying to booty call me.

Then there was 2 guys who were actually married and some more non-committal guys. I find it exhausting honestly

Anyway, I've come to face the reality that the common denominator in all these dating disasters is me so I really need some help! I know I can be too fussy but in the same breath I really don't want to settle either.

I guess I'm getting a little depressed about it, none of my friends go out much anymore and I find myself calling over to my parents at weekends when I'd love to have someone to do things with.

Any ideas? I don't think I have the emotional strength to go back online

beks101

Sorry about your bad run of relationships. And about that absolute prick who slept with you when you were underage.

I think this reaction you seem to be having to getting closer to someone is completely natural, given how you've been hurt and let down in the past. I think it's the most normal thing in the world for you to subconsciously try to protect yourself - who in their right mind would sign up for more of the same again? And that's the thing with relationships - you never really know what you're getting until you're knee deep, at which stage it's far, far more difficult to do a u-turn.

I haven't had nearly as devastating a range of relationships as you, but I too have trusted the wrong men (a full army of them!), been used for sex, been disrespected and mistreated and you do tend to stop trusting yourself and want to switch off to the very idea of dating altogether.

I do think it's worth working through some of the residual issues you're having as a result of your earlier experiences, as you do seem to be carrying a lot of distrust and negative ideas around about sex, etc from them. Would you think about finding someone professional to talk to? It doesn't need to be a long-term thing - even just a few sessions to get some things off your chest and articulate a few ideas that are in your head could do you the world of good.

re online dating, it's a minefield. I dabbled before I met my bf and found it similarly emotionally exhausting - the build-up, excitement and then either instant or eventual disappointment when either the chemistry wasn't right or things didn't last the course. It REALLY is down to luck - some people go on one date and meet their future husband, but more often it can be 10, 15, 20, 50 dates and meeting every chancer, player and married aRsehole in the book.

It's a very individual thing really but I found nothing ever really flourished for me in that kind of a forced / contrived atmosphere and much preferred to leave the dating encounters to 'real life', where they tend to be a lot more organic and transparent. Maybe taking a break and working on improving your social life and meeting people that way might be an idea for the moment.

Oh and honestly, that guy can swing if he thinks you're going to sit on your ass for the next 12 months waiting for him to "resolve his commitment issues" (they never do). And you should tell him as much.