Marriage in serious trouble

subwaytovenus

This is my first time to post here and Im not sure where to start, so apologies if i ramble!
I suppose the basics, Im 35, mother of 2 young kids, unemployed and in an unhappy marriage. Im very unhappy and I know I need to shake up my life but Im totally overwhelmed and dont know where to start. I guess the biggest thing is my marriage. I dont see a future for us. How can I stay married to someone who thinks its ok to regularly tell me to shut up or call me "miserable ba**ard" or "fuc*ing bit*h" (in front of the kids) We are currently not speaking because of him calling me a fuc*ing bit*h. Very immature I know. But I cant talk to him at all about it because he is immediately on the defense, so no matter from which angle try to tackle things it ends up being a waste of time.
Now that Ive started typing I realise I cant properly articulate everything and I cant go into full detail othewise Id be typing for a week!! So basically from my side of things I feel totally lost. He doesnt love me, he doesnt even respect me. So where do I go from here? Ive asked myself this alot but I feel like there is nowhere to go and no options. If I had no children I'd be gone in the morning but a) i dont have the money and b) I dont want to do anything that will upset them.

And of course it doesnt help that I have no friends that I can talk to. Any friends I have are basically stop and chat if you meet in the supermarket but thats basically it. I feel so so lonely. Very Lonely.
I dont know if Im looking for advise or what, or maybe to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and turned things around?

Czarcasm

OP one of the first organisations you can reach out to is Women's Aid who will be able to offer you information, advice and support on your situation and the next steps on how to move forward. There are many people who have been in similar situations to yours and who have been able to rebuild their lives.

username123

I would think seeing their mother being verbally abused day after day is upsetting for your children so any moves you make out of that situation can only be positive ones!

Do you have any family you can talk to? I second the suggestion to talk to women's aid.

I grew up in a home wishing our mother had walked and taken us with her but she never did. It would have been a better life for all of us.

coolbeans

subwaytovenus wrote: »

This is my first time to post here and Im not sure where to start, so apologies if i ramble!
I suppose the basics, Im 35, mother of 2 young kids, unemployed and in an unhappy marriage. Im very unhappy and I know I need to shake up my life but Im totally overwhelmed and dont know where to start. I guess the biggest thing is my marriage. I dont see a future for us. How can I stay married to someone who thinks its ok to regularly tell me to shut up or call me "miserable ba**ard" or "fuc*ing bit*h" (in front of the kids) We are currently not speaking because of him calling me a fuc*ing bit*h. Very immature I know. But I cant talk to him at all about it because he is immediately on the defense, so no matter from which angle try to tackle things it ends up being a waste of time.
Now that Ive started typing I realise I cant properly articulate everything and I cant go into full detail othewise Id be typing for a week!! So basically from my side of things I feel totally lost. He doesnt love me, he doesnt even respect me. So where do I go from here? Ive asked myself this alot but I feel like there is nowhere to go and no options. If I had no children I'd be gone in the morning but a) i dont have the money and b) I dont want to do anything that will upset them.

And of course it doesnt help that I have no friends that I can talk to. Any friends I have are basically stop and chat if you meet in the supermarket but thats basically it. I feel so so lonely. Very Lonely.
I dont know if Im looking for advise or what, or maybe to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and turned things around?

Sorry to hear it. Find a way out. Don't stay for the kids because it'll unlikely be beneficial to them. Also seeing a father being utterly disrespectful to his wife may manifest itself later when you kids grow and get into relationship with others. I wouldn't hold out much hope for turning things around when basic respect is not being shown.

retro:electro

Your post was very limited so there's not much to go by but what I do understand is that you are very unhappy in your marriage. First things first, do not think that by staying in an unhappy marriage that you are helping your kids in any way, I'm sure they do not want/need/appreciate hearing their mother being called such vile names.

I never understand why so many women stay in unhappy marriages for the sake of their children's happiness, take it from me, children are never happy when their parents are not happy. Surely to be a good mother to them you need to be able to function properly and in doing so your happiness must be paramount.

If you are so unhappy there are plenty of places you can go to seek help as mentioned above. You say you have no friends to confide in, how about sisters or brothers?

You seem to have your mind made up and are just looking for the key to the door so to speak, if I were you I wouldn't let anything hold me back from getting out of what seems to be a miserable relationship.

December2012

If you dont want to contact Women's Aid, would you go to marriage counselling?

IrishEyes19

subwaytovenus wrote: »

This is my first time to post here and Im not sure where to start, so apologies if i ramble!
I suppose the basics, Im 35, mother of 2 young kids, unemployed and in an unhappy marriage. Im very unhappy and I know I need to shake up my life but Im totally overwhelmed and dont know where to start. I guess the biggest thing is my marriage. I dont see a future for us. How can I stay married to someone who thinks its ok to regularly tell me to shut up or call me "miserable ba**ard" or "fuc*ing bit*h" (in front of the kids) We are currently not speaking because of him calling me a fuc*ing bit*h. Very immature I know. But I cant talk to him at all about it because he is immediately on the defense, so no matter from which angle try to tackle things it ends up being a waste of time.
Now that Ive started typing I realise I cant properly articulate everything and I cant go into full detail othewise Id be typing for a week!! So basically from my side of things I feel totally lost. He doesnt love me, he doesnt even respect me. So where do I go from here? Ive asked myself this alot but I feel like there is nowhere to go and no options. If I had no children I'd be gone in the morning but a) i dont have the money and b) I dont want to do anything that will upset them.

And of course it doesnt help that I have no friends that I can talk to. Any friends I have are basically stop and chat if you meet in the supermarket but thats basically it. I feel so so lonely. Very Lonely.
I dont know if Im looking for advise or what, or maybe to hear from someone who has been in a similar situation and turned things around?

Certainly contact a women's aid group, OP, they should be your first port of call, they will know how to help you. Secondly the way I see it, your kids might be a tad confused why you and them had to leave, but the effects of seeing an abusive marriage will have much longer lasting effects. What your kids and you need right now is a safe, comfortable home. You need to think of yourself as well, you need to be in top form for your kids, so take care of yourself, if you are unhappy in that house, the kids will notice it too.

Do you have parents or siblings you could stay with for a few days to get things sorted. You need to contact an organisation straight away to see what options are there, then maybe a solicitor to see where you stand.

subwaytovenus

Thanks so much to everyone for your advise and kind words. I might suggest counseling though I doubt he would in for it, still no harm trying. At the risk of sounding like in making excuses - which I'm not - I'm not sure that he really understands that what he is saying has such an impact. I know he would have grown up in a house where that would have been the norm.
In the meantime I think I will get in contact with women's aid as suggested.
Even this little thread has helped me feel a bit more positive so thanks again:-)

aidan24326

subwaytovenus wrote: »

Thanks so much to everyone for your advise and kind words. I might suggest counseling though I doubt he would in for it, still no harm trying. At the risk of sounding like in making excuses - which I'm not - I'm not sure that he really understands that what he is saying has such an impact. I know he would have grown up in a house where that would have been the norm.
In the meantime I think I will get in contact with women's aid as suggested.
Even this little thread has helped me feel a bit more positive so thanks again:-)

OP, while I would never condone that kind of verbal and emotional abuse I do think it needs to be put in context, that you need to explain how and why this happens. Because there's two sides to every story and we're only getting your very limited version of events.

What I mean is does this happen in the context of a big row/disagreement or is he just abusive for the sake of it? Is he an aggressive person in general? And was he always like this or just since your marriage hit the rocks?

ManOfMystery

subwaytovenus wrote: »

Thanks so much to everyone for your advise and kind words. I might suggest counseling though I doubt he would in for it, still no harm trying. At the risk of sounding like in making excuses - which I'm not - I'm not sure that he really understands that what he is saying has such an impact. I know he would have grown up in a house where that would have been the norm.
In the meantime I think I will get in contact with women's aid as suggested.
Even this little thread has helped me feel a bit more positive so thanks again:-)

I never really buy that excuse, "I grew up in a house environment like that, so didn't realise it was wrong ............................."

Does he talk like that to workmates, associates, neighbours? I assume not - because he knows it's rude, and he knows it's wrong.

LegacyUser

I have to go anonymous for this reply.
You don't have to put up with this behaviour. I saw one of my brothers treat his wife like this. It got progressively worse. My own parents fell out with him over it. I was in their house one day and saw him in action and he went so far as to thump her on the back with his fist.

She left him and took the kids with her and I didn't blame her. They now make some elaborate excuse for living apart but I know the real reason. If you allow behaviour like this to happen it will get worse.