My wife, her depression, and me

LegacyUser

I love my wife and I do believe that I am a good attentive husband. I think I’m supportive, and I listen, and I do my best to communication. However…

My wife is depressed. She is down all the time and sees the bad in everything. She is functioning and she gets on ok with others, but when she is with me all she can do is complain about her work, about her family, and be silent. It is fair to say that it is little fun to be in her company.

As for me, perhaps I selfish, but I feel unloved and I crave attention. I take her out or buy her dinner, and she doesn’t show any happiness in what I have done. I need her to smile, or tell me she loves me, or to laugh… I get nothing.

Sometimes I bring up that she is ungrateful… she tell me that she is depressed and that it is not about me.

I had some success in work recently… she can’t bring herself to be happy for me or to celebrate. I want to buy something to celebrate… she says that the money means nothing to her… it not about the money… its meant to be about me and celebrating the success.

Anyway… it makes me sad.

CaraMay

Does she congratulate other people when something good happens to them? If so, can she explain why she doesn't do it to you. I would hold back on calling her names eg ungrateful and try to find out why she treats you worse than other people. It's just not on...

Has she been formally diagnosed as having depression? Is she on medication?

IrishEyes19

Cant obviously give medical advice but I can give personal advice, Having known someone who was depressed in the past, what are you describing is very familiar, lack of interest in others, motivation, excitement is completely depleted. I know you feel very hurt right now and so frustrated. But you are banging your head against a wall thinking words or a conversation is going to improve this. I would strongly suggest your wife visits a GP for assessment. This condition will only get worse, but when treated there is a light at the end of the tunnel. People do come out of this.

You aren't being selfish, its a horrible thing to have to contend with but in defence of your wife, if she is depressed, she will never see your point of view while this is left untreated. The only way I can describe it, its like she in a bubble of her own worry and anything outside the bubble is not reaching her. But as I said she can change this. But first you will have to accept that expressing your hurt to her won't help the situation right now. First port of call is her GP. Wishing you the best of luck

I meant to add, the person who I was close to had a great knack for appearing "fine" in public, it was almost a defence mechanism where they didnt want other people to know, but at home, it was completely different, so I don't think its a personal thing against you.

As Cara May has said, is she diagnosed already or taking medication.

lukesmom

The poor woman is depressed, she has told you so. As her husband you need to convince her to visit her gp and you also need to convince her that she is loved. She deserves to be happy. As someone who suffers depression and came out the other end, no matter what you buy her it will mean nothing, zilch. You could win the lotto and she wouldn't blink an eye. Not while she has this turmoil inside her.

Addle

lukesmom wrote: »

The poor woman is depressed, she has told you so. As her husband you need to convince her to visit her gp and you also need to convince her that she is loved. She deserves to be happy. As someone who suffers depression and came out the other end, no matter what you buy her it will mean nothing, zilch. You could win the lotto and she wouldn't blink an eye. Not while she has this turmoil inside her.

How much is a partner supposed to put up with while the other is unwell?
How did you come out the other side?

lukesmom

Addle wrote: »

How much is a partner supposed to put up with while the other is unwell?
How did you come out the other side?

Hi I know it's tough on partners also. I went to my gp and got prescribed anti depressent medication, also psychology sessions. Talking is very important and medication really helps. I thought I'd never come out of it but I did.

December2012

It's very hard if the other person refuses to get help. Op you have my sympathy and hopefully your wife will get the help she clearly needs.

If she won't go to the GP would she go to relationship counselling?

Daisy78

Op

I really feel for you. I was in a similar place some years back. My partner at the time was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I can honestly say it has been the most difficult period of my life to date. We subsequently broke up as he refused to manage his condition and the continued rows and mood swings took its toll on me. So much so I had to attend counselling for a few years after to try and work through the trauma. Not to exagerate but it was almost like post traumatic stress as I felt I had no outlet during my relationship to vent my sadness and frustration.

You should not feel guilty ....depression can have a devastating effect not just on the individual suffering from it but also close family , partners and friends. It is imperative that your wife is seeking treatment for this. Support her in every way that you can but dont ignore your own mental health either. Have you a close friend or family member that you can talk to? It may be worth talking a trained counsellor....firstly to get a better idea of what your wife is going through but also to learn how you cope with what can be a very soul destroying situation.