Dreading going to wedding how to get through it?

afterglow

Hi

Hoping for some good advice here.
Bit of background.

Girl I knew from school, since we were 4 is now getting married. We had a huge falling out when we were teenagers, as can happen, attended different schools etc. We met up in our early 20's, but to be honest, our lives had taken different directions by then, and what we would have considered a fun night out was completely different, she was into things i just wasn't which is perfectly ok.
Now, she is settled, has a baby, and as I already said, is getting married. She knows that neither my partner nor myself are working, neither is she btw.
She expects us to go to her wedding, which is not in Ireland but the UK.
I do not really even feel we are friends/have a connection anymore, but I know if I turned around and said I wasn't going she would never talk to me again, presumably because she still thinks of us as friends etc.
Another big issue for me is the expense of going to the wedding. We do know about the wedding a while, but with neither of us working we have not been able to save anything.
I'm just wondering how I can get through the wedding with all this on my mind? There will also be people there, from my primary school, that I am absolutely dreading seeing also.
I know it's her day, but tbh she is not even religious and it's in a church. I think I would have more respect for her if it was just nice and simple and in a registery office. Myself and my partner have both never been married before, but if we were to, I think it would be a simple humanist wedding and not in a church either, since neither of us are religious in the slightest.
I just can't figure out how she thinks we can afford to go. We have no currency yet, and have yet to figure out how we will have spending money for the trip, not to mind paying for our accomidation.
Any advice appreciated and yep, before anyone says I do realise that she is entitled to get married where/how she wants etc.
Thanks

ahnow

Hey there.
Would it be so bad if you didn't go? If you're dreading it so much, and it's putting you under so much financial strain why bother? She's someone you don't really see as having a lot in common with any more, and you've both gone in different directions in life. Weddings are so expensive, and then on top of that to be expected to travel abroad is too much.
Take the pressure off yourself, if you want to explain that you simply cant afford it, that's up to you. If she was any sort of friend (but to be honest , from what you've written she doesn't sound like she is) she'll understand. And if she doesn't...what harm!
Why put yourself so far out for someone or something you don't feel good about? What are you getting in return? Dont be feeling bad about it!

Big Bag of Chips

An invitation to a wedding is just that. An invitation. It's not a summons. There will be many people who reply "with regrets". You are affording yourself too much importance in her day.

If you don't want to go, decline the invitation. You don't sound like you're all the fond of her anyway, so who cares if she doesn't talk to you after it... Although I doubt that will be the case. And if she stops talking to you (and the various others who won't be able to attend) over not going, are you really missing out on much by losing her friendship?

Teyla Emmagan

Well you don't actually sound that close, if you are afraid to speak to her honestly about this, and if she would expect you to come despite the fact you haven't a bean. I would tell her very nicely that you are just not going to be able to make the wedding because of your financial situation. If she's a really a friend, she'll be disappointed, but understand. You do not need to be guilted or intimidated into this wedding. As soon as you get this over with you'll feel a lot better, regardless of the outcome.

Realistically, people grow apart, and it's nobody's fault. You just don't have much in common with her anymore. This is nothing to beat yourself up over. And it's certainly not something worth getting into debt and stress over.

Big Bag of Chips

By the way... My best friend from childhood wasn't at my wedding.. we still talk!

Tokyo

OP, you seem to be putting in an awful lot of effort here under the guise of maintaining a friendship that you freely admit doesn't really exist anymore. Not to mention all of the other aspects of the wedding itself that you seem to be dreading too. Why bother going to all that trouble???

So why not just tell her that you can't go?? If you want to be honest, tell her that money is tight at the moment and you can't afford the expense. Otherwise tell a white lie - a prior commitment, family engagement, etc.

Borderfox

Don't go, she isn't forcing you so bow out as early as possible

ABajaninCork

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

By the way... My best friend from childhood wasn't at my wedding.. we still talk!

Neither was mine. And we still talk!

LegacyUser

If you don't go you think she will never talk to you again....do you really care OP? It doesn't sound like you are very close. As already said an invitation is just that not a decree you must attend. My cousin recently got married in the UK [his OH was from there] and alot of his own family had to say no to going as the cost was just too high. Myself and my sister were the only cousins attending but we live in the UK and got the train. I've missed several family and friends weddings in Ireland due not having the time or money to go home. It happens people either accept or they don't and if they don't (and I've only seen a tiny fraction who don't) well better off without them I say.

LegacyUser

If you want to keep up the facade of friendship and/or don't want her bitching about you, then there are ways of being cute about it.

When you decline the invite, include a hand written letter in the envelope. Full of ****e like "Oh my god I can't believe it was only a while ago we were mitching from Mrs. Murphys class and now you're walking down the aisle! I wish more than anything I could be there in person to see how beautiful you look and to see how happy you both are, but please believe that I'll be thinking of you both on the day and I'll be so glad that you've found the happy ending that you deserve"

Then make sure to send a present to the Mammy's house. A framed print is always a good budget gift that couples like. You can get them online and they have those ones that are customisable and have the names of the couple intwined in a heart with the date or something like that. Something sentimental, in other words, that makes NO DOUBT about your affection. If she wants to bitch after all that? She'll have to try fairly hard.

Stavro Mueller

I'm puzzled as to why this is an issue in the first place. From what I can see, you're getting yourself into a twist because you're afraid to decline an invitation to a wedding? Seriously?

Why do you think that this woman is never going to speak to you again if you don't go to her wedding. I was going to ask why would you even want to be friends with someone who behaved like this but reading your post again, it doesn't look like you're even friends these days. To me this is a no-brainer. Politely decline the invitation to the wedding and wish her well. Don't go down the road of trying to justify why you can't go.

ElleEm

It really doesn't seem like you are friends with his girl, so you shouldn't be getting caught up in feeling bad for not going. If she is the type to not talk to someone for not being able to afford to travel to another country, then she sounds like a b!tch. Would you miss her from your life if she never spoke to you again?

Calmsurrender

Sorry if this seems blunt but this is what I get from your post:

You can't afford it.
You don't like her.
You don't like her friends.
You're looking down your nose at the type of wedding she's chosen to have and you're baffled she even asked you to go in the first place?

So don't go. Tell her you can't afford it and that your sorry and hope she has a great day. I'm sure you won't be the only person that won't be able to go due to cost.
I was at a wedding abroad before and a member of the bridal party had to drop out close to the time due to finances, it happens. No one fell out over it.
And tbh If she never spoke to you again would it even matter at this stage? It would say more about her than you and you'd be off the hook of having to pretend to be friends in the future.

The only other option you have is to try and borrow the money from some to go to a ceremony you feel is insincere, of someone you aren't friends with ... Surrounded by people you dread ?

Chattastrophe!

So what it boils down to is ... you're afraid not to attend the wedding, in case you lose her friendship, even though you don't consider yourselves to be friends.

Just ... what?!

homemadecider

RSVP to say you can't attend.

Problem solved.

tinkerbell

OP, this is a no brainer. You don't really like her and you can't afford to go.

Just don't go! It's quite simple really. A wedding is not a summons, it is an invite. Decline with regrets, send them a card saying congratulations (no need for a gift either as you are not that close and also as you are not attending) and let that be it.

Meauldsegosha

OP you are making a mountain out of a mole hill. She doesn't "expect" you to be at her wedding, she invited you. And if you can't go, for whatever reason, you can't go.

To be honest you sound quite judgemental about her choice of a church wedding. And it's really none of your business where she gets married.

LegacyUser

I don't think you should even consider going. Weddings are expensive, even without travelling. Send a card, even a small gift if you like. I think everyone knows that lots of people have it tough these days.

Also, although I know you say in your post that people should have the wedding they want, you are being quite judgmental. I would have loved the type of wedding you describe, but you never know the sort of pressure that comes from family (on both sides), and sometimes it's just easier to bow to that pressure than to create conflict. Maybe it's not right, but it is easier.

Merkin

OP you seem to start weekly threads on various non issues with various friends, not sure if it's attention seeking or what. You have been advised now by countless people on countless threads, you'd be best advised to choose your 'friends' more carefully. If you were more discerning the weekly threads wouldn't be necessary.

CaraMay

Just say no and send a small token if you can afford it. It's not the big deal you are making it.

December2012

A great tip I saw before - don't go to the wedding but send a cheque now. It's cheaper than the wedding and the person can't get pissed off.

amdublin

Would it be the worst thing in the world if you decline and she never speaks to you again (crazy!) ?? Her loss if she does...


This is quite clever I think!

Gerfeld wrote: »

If you want to keep up the facade of friendship and/or don't want her bitching about you, then there are ways of being cute about it.

When you decline the invite, include a hand written letter in the envelope. Full of ****e like "Oh my god I can't believe it was only a while ago we were mitching from Mrs. Murphys class and now you're walking down the aisle! I wish more than anything I could be there in person to see how beautiful you look and to see how happy you both are, but please believe that I'll be thinking of you both on the day and I'll be so glad that you've found the happy ending that you deserve"

Then make sure to send a present to the Mammy's house. A framed print is always a good budget gift that couples like. You can get them online and they have those ones that are customisable and have the names of the couple intwined in a heart with the date or something like that. Something sentimental, in other words, that makes NO DOUBT about your affection. If she wants to bitch after all that? She'll have to try fairly hard.