He chooses porn over sex

Tincan123

I've been in my relationship with my boyfriend for 7months now and our sex life has diminished to the point of non-existence! I've raised my concerns and told him how frustrated I am. He tells me that it's due to being tired and the long hours he works, which I understand. Last night he told me he was tired and going to sleep. I got out of bed and said I was going to watch a movie because I wasn't sleepy. I slept in the couch and in the morning I found he had spent the night watching porn. He literally has me sitting, sexually frustrated in the next room, and he picks porn. If it's this bad now, I don't see this lasting. Any advice? I don't care if he watches porn, we all do. I care that porn has replaced sex. I have to ask can we have sex. I'll try and initiate sex and then he'll reject my advances. I can't keep being shot down. Any advice

vertico

You could watch the porn with him and see where it leads. Could be fun

lukesmom

Tincan123 wrote: »

I've been in my relationship with my boyfriend for 7months now and our sex life has diminished to the point of non-existence! I've raised my concerns and told him how frustrated I am. He tells me that it's due to being tired and the long hours he works, which I understand. Last night he told me he was tired and going to sleep. I got out of bed and said I was going to watch a movie because I wasn't sleepy. I slept in the couch and in the morning I found he had spent the night watching porn. He literally has me sitting, sexually frustrated in the next room, and he picks porn. If it's this bad now, I don't see this lasting. Any advice? I don't care if he watches porn, we all do. I care that porn has replaced sex. I have to ask can we have sex. I'll try and initiate sex and then he'll reject my advances. I can't keep being shot down. Any advice

I'm sorry but at 7 months you still should be in the honeymoon phase and at it like rabbits. He prefers porn to having sex with a real human being I would save yourself the hassle and find a man who lives in the real world.

Tincan123

I've suggested watching it together. He denies that he ever watches it (I'm not an idiot), but it's the last thing watched on his ipad. I agree, we should be in the honeymoon stage. I've never felt less desired by a man.

December2012

If I were you I would get out now - he's refusing to even acknowledge the existence of a problem so there's no more you can do.

blatantrereg

That will make you feel shit. Trying to persuade him that having sex with you would be preferable to **** would make you feel more shit. It's up to him to take the initiative with this one if he wants to keep the relationship. Perpetual sexual rejection in favour of porn is going to mess up your self-esteem, nevermind the absence of that sort of intimacy.

Tincan123

This has massively impacted my self-esteem. We tend to mess and slag each other a lot, but since the sex has stopped...I find when he slags me that I can't take the jokes anymore. It's silly things like messing with me about the size my nose etc. I used to slag back, but now these hurt me.

DesperateDan

Legitimate question: the porn he watches is definitely heterosexual right?

blatantrereg

Belittling you about your physical appearance while rejecting you sexually in favour of fantasy - this would make anyone feel horrible about themselves. He doesn't sound nice at all. He sounds abusive in fact. Kick that bozo to the kerb.

freshpopcorn

How do you know it was the last thing he watched on his iPad?

Tincan123

Yes, it understand the need to ask though. We used to have a great sex life, but no longer there. I've given up on trying to initiate anything because I can't face the rejection. I met him after my long term relationship broke up. I was cautious and didn't want to jump into something. I kept him at a distance but he pushed for this to become very serious. He speaks of the future and how he thinks that I'm the 'one'. I don't believe in that airy fairy 'one' mentality. I'm not a romantic. I'm practical, but he has knocked back to a low point. It's too soon to be in a rut, but we are.

Tincan123

I went to google something this morning and the window open was porn. He had been looking at buying a dog when I got up to leave and say goodnight to him. In the morning, porn on the screen. I don't care if he's into it, but when he picks it over sex...that's messed up

Tincan123

on the appearance thing - we both used to mess and slag. It was teasing. No, he's very sweet. He's the nicest guy that I've ever met. I just hate begging for some action.

freshpopcorn

How often had ye sex at the start of ye're relationship?
Was it often or has things got a lot worse?
Does he have a lower sex drive than you?
Has anything changes since the start if the relationship? Has he become depressed, have you lost/gained weight? All these factors can effect sex life.

Tincan123

We used to have sex everyday. He would get upset and tell that we were never to go more than a few days without. He said it was important and I agree. If I was away, he would say 'it's been too long' etc. Now, it's maybe once a week when I ask. I feel that it's forced. It's over quickly and very distant. I've stayed the same weight. I've always worn clothes to show off my figure etc. I still do. I get done up for me. He has started working long hours, but this has never been a problem. When I'm overworked, I still make time for him. I can't understand. I haven't altered anything. we have a lot of fun together and joke all the time, but I feel things have fizzled too much in the bedroom. He HAD a massive sex drive ...I don't know what I've done

Tigger99

Maybe it's a health thing for him or some fear of not performing? There could be many reasons and I know that it's a sensitive issue but you need to talk to him about it and make it clear if he does want to talk about it that you have to consider your future with him.

Xaniaj

Tincan123 wrote: »

We used to have sex everyday. He would get upset and tell that we were never to go more than a few days without. He said it was important and I agree. If I was away, he would say 'it's been too long' etc. Now, it's maybe once a week when I ask. I feel that it's forced. It's over quickly and very distant. I've stayed the same weight. I've always worn clothes to show off my figure etc. I still do. I get done up for me. He has started working long hours, but this has never been a problem. When I'm overworked, I still make time for him. I can't understand. I haven't altered anything. we have a lot of fun together and joke all the time, but I feel things have fizzled too much in the bedroom. He HAD a massive sex drive ...I don't know what I've done

Is it possible that this was an issue in a previous relationship of his? His insistence (early on) that you wouldn't go without sex for a few days sounds a little...odd to me!

Have you broached the topic with him since you found the porn?

Tokyo

Tincan123 wrote: »

Last night he told me he was tired and going to sleep. I got out of bed and said I was going to watch a movie because I wasn't sleepy. I slept in the couch and in the morning I found he had spent the night watching porn. He literally has me sitting, sexually frustrated in the next room, and he picks porn.

If he is, as you say, literally sitting up all night watching porn when he has a woman in the next room begging him for sex, then TBH I think that points less towards an interest in porn, and more towards an unhealthy obsession with it - it seems to be at the point where HE needs to do something about it to break the cycle, before it becomes even more of a problem. I know that you have spoken to him before about this, but I think that you both should sit down and have a proper conversation - explain to him that whether he watches porn or not isn't the issues - it's the fact that it is taking away from your sex life to the point of it being non-existent, that you are concerned about.

If he still refuses to acknowledge that it is a problem, and if you feel that he's not going to stop, then unfortunately you may need to sit down and have a serious think as to where this relationship is going, and if you still want to be a part of it.

freshpopcorn

Did he sit up all night and watch porn or did he just watched a little and headed to bed? Did you sleep in a separate room?

michael999999

Tincan123 wrote: »

This has massively impacted my self-esteem. We tend to mess and slag each other a lot, but since the sex has stopped...I find when he slags me that I can't take the jokes anymore. It's silly things like messing with me about the size my nose etc. I used to slag back, but now these hurt me.

Jesus girl, get out now!

But before you go install some programme on he's IPad that blocks porn.

See how he feels being sexually frustrated!

Tincan123

I don't know if he stayed up all night, but I do know that I tried to initiate earlier in the night...it's pretty bad if he chooses to **** while I watch a movie in the other room so as not to wake him

Tincan123

I was afraid to wake him with my habit of watching a movie before bed so, I went to the sitting room. I tried to discuss this and he's denied looking at it and refuses to discuss our sex life. He keeps saying 'I'm tired'. He doesnt understand why I'm so upset

x Purple Pawprints x

OP, you're only together 7 months, you should still be at the "I want you now!" stage!

Seriously though, this is affecting your self esteem badly. You need to have a serious talk with him about this, I'd be worried about him having a porn addiction if he's willing to sit **** to a video on an iPad rather than have sex with his girlfriend. Explain to him that it's not the fact he's watching it that you're worried about, it's that he seems to reject you and choose the porn.

Edit: Tell him straight up why you're so upset. Don't hold back and don't sugarcoat it in any way. I think you need to be really blunt with him.

Tokyo

Tincan123 wrote: »

I tried to discuss this and he's denied looking at it and refuses to discuss our sex life. He keeps saying 'I'm tired'.

And herein lies the root of the problem. The fact is, there is something in your relationship that is causing serious problems for you, and he is not only refusing to talk about it, but denying it completely. The fact that it's porn really doesn't matter - in other relationships it can be drink, or money, or bills etc - the problem is that he is unwilling to do anything about it to remedy it, and make it work with you.

I'm not sure of the extent of your conversations with your partner over this, but if you feel that you have exhausted all options, and he's unwilling to budge on this even though it's having a devastating effect on your relationship and your self esteem, it may be time to ask yourself if this is the right relationship for you.

tallaghtmick

Have you asked is he enjoying sex?

Tincan123

When I try to discuss our sex life, he assumes that I'm bringing up this convo because, I'm feeling insecure and low. He doesn't realise that I'm insecure and low because we don't have sex. It's infuriating. I am low and very irritable due to this, which is only adding to his lacking desire

x Purple Pawprints x

Tincan123 wrote: »

When I try to discuss our sex life, he assumes that I'm bringing up this convo because, I'm feeling insecure and low. He doesn't realise that I'm insecure and low because we don't have sex. It's infuriating. I am low and very irritable due to this, which is only adding to his lacking desire

Say these words to him and see what he says.

DesperateDan

x Purple Pawprints x wrote: »

Say these words to him and see what he says.

I would say show him this thread and see what he says! Sounds like he doesn't even realise there's a problem.

Czarcasm

Tincan123 wrote: »

When I try to discuss our sex life, he assumes that I'm bringing up this convo because, I'm feeling insecure and low. He doesn't realise that I'm insecure and low because we don't have sex. It's infuriating. I am low and very irritable due to this, which is only adding to his lacking desire

OP I'm just throwing this out there as something to think about but it sounds like your boyfriend is the one who feels insecure and low and is projecting that onto you. From reading your posts it sounds like so, so many guys in relationships I've known where they thought no girl could match their libido, and then when they meet a girl that not only meets it, but exceeds it, they think they've hit the jackpot for a couple of weeks, until they're worn out and they simply can't keep up.

This in turn leads to them feeling insecure about themselves and they start drawing into themselves and shying away from sex. The want is still there, and they can still love you in the same way, but that love isn't enough to give them the motivation to engage themselves physically, because they feel they're on the back foot sexually speaking at least. Porn gives them the physical release they need without the investment of physical effort with their partner. That's unfortunately how they come to see sex, as a physical effort, a chore. The noveltys worn off and they withdraw further and further into themselves.

At that stage it's very hard to come back from and very rare that they do, instead preferring to muddle on with the other parts of the relationship and refusing to acknowledge the elephant in the room so to speak (terrible choice of words but I hope you get what I mean).

The question you have to ask yourself now is, whether the relationship worth trying to salvage for all the good parts, and how much effort are you willing to put into salvaging the relationship and helping your boyfriend to understand your frustration, or is it just too much to take on and you've put yourself through enough already. Ultimatums won't do any good, but you really do need your boyfriend to roll in on this as you can't do it on your own. If he's still not willing to make an effort, then for your own mental health and your own happiness I'd be looking at ending the relationship before you put any further practical investment into it.

LegacyUser

OP, after 7 months you already sound exhausted.

It shouldn't be this bad. I'm married 10 years and don't feel as sh$t as this guy has made you feel in 7 months.

I have to ask you, do you honestly think there isn't a single other funny nice guy out there that would also make you feel desirable?

You seem to think there must be some way to fix it, but it sounds like you've been pretty clear and direct and he's just stonewalling you. I'm not sure what else you can do, short of bursting into tears and begging him, which is bananas.

And it's quite possible that it's not even the porn i.e. that he's just someone whose desire tails off the minute he "gets" someone (it sounds like you're living together already?) in which case it would be a lot more difficult than just persuading him to put down the porn for a week. It's possible that his original flurry of super-sex was driven by anxiety to win you, and now that he's comfortably paired off, he can relax into his regular low sex drive.

If this is his legitimate sex drive, you are fundamentally incompatible in a huge part of an intimate relationship. I guess what you have to judge is which drive was/is the real one.

LegacyUser

Male here. Porn addiction is a serious issue. I stopped watching it altogether last November and since then have been having the best sex of my life with my OH of 6 years. And I was never particularly hooked on it... sounds like your OH has a major problem.

It clicked with me one day when I was waiting for my GF to pack up her things and head off for the day and I just couldn't wait for her to leave so that I could go watch some porn.... it just clicked with me how fkied up this situation was that I couldn't wait for the girl I loved to fk off so that I could spend some time alone watching strangers have sex.

I have no moral objections to porn whatsoever but I think this mentality is seriously fked up and I think it's going to be a serious problem in the next ten years or so when guys have constant sexual novelty at the click of a mouse.

OP you need to decide if your relationship is worth fighting for... if it isn't... dump the guy and get yourself a man who would rather make love to a real woman and not his hand... if it is, sit him down and make him watch this:

<mod snip - no youtube please>

stupid head

^^^

No such thing as porn “addiction,” researchers say

He probably just clicked on a porn vid for a sec before turning off the ipad.


Czarcasms (very good) post (or a variation of it) could be on the money here.

TKT84

OP it sounds like your boyfriend might suffer from porn addiction, perhaps see if he can get help.

tara73

are you sure there is no affair going on? just a thought that came to my mind reading your post saying: he's working long hours now.
I know it's a bit simple and doesn't explain the porn watching really, but who knows, it's one possibility and just my 2 cents in case it hasn't crossed your mind yet.

LegacyUser

Is it possible he might be having an affair or some sort of STI that is preventing him from wanting to have sex?

Tincan123

No, he's heading to work with a friend every morning. He's working really hard. I know he loves me and he's attracted to me, but I hate how sedimentary our lives have become

strobe

Tincan123 wrote: »

He's working really hard.

You've mentioned that in several posts now and also that that was his explanation for the drop off in sex. So, maybe that really is the case, he's just exhausted from work at the minute?

Masturbating to porn can take 4 or 5 mins and virtual no exertion, sex is a longer and more strenuous activity obviously.

Maybe you could take him at his word for now and try to see what you can come up with together?

Maybe setting the alarm clocks a little early and having sex in the morning before work a couple of nights a week, for example?

Maybe give the watching a movie before you go to bed a miss for a few weeks too so that on days he's a little less tired than usual there is an extra two hour slot of time free before bed when he might be interested in sex.

Basically I see no reason to go off on presumptions of him being gay, or having an affair, or secretly wanting out of the relationship or whatever else when his explanation for things is perfectly plausible and you haven't mentioned trying to address the matter based on the assumption that he is being honest.

Although if his reason was genuine to begin with I think you'll now have to also deal with the fact that you getting irritable etc over it has probably created another issue in the meantime. So maybe start from scratch and as a fresh start take him at his word, apologise for letting things get to you so much (although it's perfectly understandable to me that they have), see what the two of you can come up with together to work around things and try to be supportive and understanding about things rather than all blamey and pressuring.

- Now of course I might be wrong and he may not be being honest with the reason but seems the thing to do is until/if it's ruled out, proceed as if he is for the current time.

Czarcasm

Tincan123 wrote: »

No, he's heading to work with a friend every morning. He's working really hard. I know he loves me and he's attracted to me, but I hate how sedimentary our lives have become

OP I went back through this thread just now to see was there anything I could spot that I could use to make a suggestion to motivate your boyfriend to get his shìt together, but really, there isn't. All I can see is you taking all the blame for this on yourself. There's too much to quote but he's talking about your long term future together and telling you you're 'the one', but you're left wondering what you've done wrong when he doesn't show you you're 'the one'.

In the beginning of the relationship he was making all the right moves and saying all the right things you wanted to hear, and now he's got you, he's taken his foot off the accelerator and taken a back seat in your relationship. You're going to have to get serious about it and tell him that look, as much as you love him, you're not planning on living the rest of your life like an old married couple or a frickin' spinster having to sleep out on the couch.

That whole sleeping out on the couch business is just avoiding the problem. Your relationship is in tatters and you're out on the couch watching a movie so you don't disturb him? Get in there and confront your boyfriend, make or break time, because his actions aren't matching his words and you're left feeling like crap. It's not enough for him just to say he loves you any more. If he's planning on spending the rest of his life with you then sex is a major, major part of that, to make you feel like he WANTS to be with you, rather than just treat you as a convenient housemate!

Celly Smunt

Im sorry but no man would watch porn when theres a receptive woman sitting in the next room. You're dealing with either a gay man here or a boy who needs grow up and get some balls.

kylith

Tincan123 wrote: »

I was afraid to wake him with my habit of watching a movie before bed so, I went to the sitting room. I tried to discuss this and he's denied looking at it and refuses to discuss our sex life. He keeps saying 'I'm tired'. He doesnt understand why I'm so upset

I think you need to flat out ask him why he's turning you down for sex and then watching porn.

suicide_circus

I'm not making excuses for him or directing this at you particularly OP but following on from what strobe said above; sex after a tiring day at work can be tough, particularly as quite a lot of women are happy to essentially lie there and let the guy do the work. where as he can take take of business himself with zero effort.

that said his current actions are selfish and not really acceptable.