long distance relationship help

LegacyUser

im 23, bf is 25. i have been in a long distance relationship with my bf who i met online for a while now. he lives in the USA so a lot of our relationship is based around text/skype calls, we got to meet twice in person. the first time i went to the states on holiday and met him as just friends (Then we fell for each other) the 2nd time i went out to see him and we were a couple. the plan was that the next visit would be him coming here, but he has a lot more bills/expenses than i do and it would be the end of this year/early next year when he can save enough to come here.

i dont want to wait that long. i will have enough saved to see him in a month and a half or two, i stay with him so all i need to pay for is a flight and a little bit for groceries.

our last visit it didnt go too smoothly and i thought we were going to break up. there was a lot of fighting, i will take 65% of the blame because i overreacted and didnt think things through before making decisions. i think this is why i am so anxious to see him again, i want us to have a good time and no arguing. when i was there and upset about the fighting i called home and so my friends/family know i wasn't enjoying myself and they are completely against the idea of me going back to see him and tell me to wait and let him come here. but i dont know how to keep a relationship going if we only get to see each other twice a year? especially when i have the funds to go see him.

i mentioned to my parents about going to see him again and knew they would not approve so i told a white lie that he would pay for half the ticket and they are still telling me not to do it. i love my friends and family and have a really close bond with them, but i really regret telling them i was unhappy in the USA because now i feel like they somewhat resent him, and it wasn't completely his fault. i am an affectionate person in a relationship and need to be able to give/receive affection.


can anyone give me advise. should i listen to them and wait until he can come here, or just go see him?

Tokyo

Hey OP,

long distance relationships are at best difficult to maintain, and one thing that is vital to their success is that BOTH parties have to be willing to put the work in to make it work. The big thing that stands out to me is that you are doing all of the legwork, even to the point of telling lies in order to assuage the fears of the people around you who are asking you to think twice about it.

So far you have:

• Visited the USA twice to meet him.
• Saved to go to the USA again to meet him.
• Lied to hose who care about you in order to cover for how much you are financially investing into all of this.

So far he has:

• ....

You are already apprehensive enough about the visit to anticipate being unhappy there again, which would indicate that you have issues with the one sidedness of the relationship yourself. Personally I think you have shown your cards - you've shown him that you are willing to put in the effort to be with him, traveling to see him. I agree with your family on this one - Now it's time to let him show his cards, and see what he is willing to invest in the relationship.....

CaraMay

I don't think you should go over. If you want you can pay towards his flight so you can see him on your home turf?

Why would you be paying for groceries? Surely he could fund the food given it would be your 3rd trip there?

What are you doing without to save for this trip?

Tbh It's a very bd sign if ye are already fighting 'a lot' so I think I would pull the plug and meet someone closer to you otherwise you will be wasting every penny you save to go see him and it looks like he will rarely get to come here. The relationship is unlikely to survive on that basis ESP without family and friends support.

Don't waste more money going to him. It's very unlikely to work out.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

Hey OP,

long distance relationships are at best difficult to maintain, and one thing that is vital to their success is that BOTH parties have to be willing to put the work in to make it work. The big thing that stands out to me is that you are doing all of the legwork, even to the point of telling lies in order to assuage the fears of the people around you who are asking you to think twice about it.

So far you have:

• Visited the USA twice to meet him.
• Saved to go to the USA again to meet him.
• Lied to hose who care about you in order to cover for how much you are financially investing into all of this.

So far he has:

• ....

You are already apprehensive enough about the visit to anticipate being unhappy there again, which would indicate that you have issues with the one sidedness of the relationship yourself. Personally I think you have shown your cards - you've shown him that you are willing to put in the effort to be with him, traveling to see him. I agree with your family on this one - Now it's time to let him show his cards, and see what he is willing to invest in the relationship.....

he didnt want me to come next month, he said i should wait and let him come when he has enough saved up. but i'm pushing the idea of going because i don't want to wait that long. when we fought the last time i left his house and went to stay at a hotel. after we talked things through.. he would go to work, drive home to take care of his dog, then drive to me (40-50 mins) and spend the evening with me. he also paid $55 for a cab to take me to his house for the last couple of days.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

I don't think you should go over. If you want you can pay towards his flight so you can see him on your home turf?

Why would you be paying for groceries? Surely he could fund the food given it would be your 3rd trip there?

What are you doing without to save for this trip?

Tbh It's a very bd sign if ye are already fighting 'a lot' so I think I would pull the plug and meet someone closer to you otherwise you will be wasting every penny you save to go see him and it looks like he will rarely get to come here. The relationship is unlikely to survive on that basis ESP without family and friends support.

Don't waste more money going to him. It's very unlikely to work out.

im not going without anything to save for this trip, unless you include going out to nightclubs on weekends and getting drunk and waking up with an empty wallet and hangover...I am over that whole scene.

he would probably get groceries, and he wanted to buy me dinner multiple times on the last trip, but i am a "proud" person i guess you could say, i would rather pay my own way. even when he takes me on dates to the cinema or such and pays for me..i always feel guilty. its been the same with any boyfriend i had. i guess its the way i was raised..pay your own way.

we fought over stupid crap the first couple of days. i admit its a LOT my own fault and of course i told friends/family my side of the story. being back home and reflecting on the whole thing has made me see that. he is not innocent in the whole thing but i did make a bigger deal out of things than needed.

Tokyo

can anyone give me advise. should i listen to them and wait until he can come here, or just go see him?

You asked, but you seem to want to counter any advice given that agrees with your friends and family's advice, and I suspect that you will continue to do so.

But the fact remains that if you argued to the point where you ran off to stay in a hotel room for a few days, then for whatever reason, the strain *is* showing in this relationship, and rose tinting it the way that you are doing, and assigning yourself most of the blame for things you can't deny have gone wrong, is not the way to deal with it.

I've been in LDRs a couple of times, and for ANY chance of them working, there has to be a balance. A balance in time invested, a balance in going to see each other, a balance in the financial impact that having a LDR has. Other wise there is no chance. Zero. At some stage one person gets bitter at the other for not pulling their weight, or not being available enough. That's the truth of it.

At the end of the day we aren't going to stop you going. All we can do is offer advice. But, if he is that great a guy and you are meant to be together, then what is the problem with waiting for him to come here. If nothing else, if you feel that guilty about him paying for dinner/cinema in the US, wouldn't it be nice to be able to show him around where YOU are from, and reciprocate?

CaraMay

confuse9 wrote: »

he didnt want me to come next month, he said i should wait and let him come when he has enough saved up.

You need to listen to him. You are trying to make this work too hard. You are more invested than he is and you could end up wasting years on this guy.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

You asked, but you seem to want to counter any advice given that agrees with your friends and family's advice, and I suspect that you will continue to do so.

But the fact remains that if you argued to the point where you ran off to stay in a hotel room for a few days, then for whatever reason, the strain *is* showing in this relationship, and rose tinting it the way that you are doing, and assigning yourself most of the blame for things you can't deny have gone wrong, is not the way to deal with it.

I've been in LDRs a couple of times, and for ANY chance of them working, there has to be a balance. A balance in time invested, a balance in going to see each other, a balance in the financial impact that having a LDR has. Other wise there is no chance. Zero. At some stage one person gets bitter at the other for not pulling their weight, or not being available enough. That's the truth of it.

At the end of the day we aren't going to stop you going. All we can do is offer advice. But, if he is that great a guy and you are meant to be together, then what is the problem with waiting for him to come here. If nothing else, if you feel that guilty about him paying for dinner/cinema in the US, wouldn't it be nice to be able to show him around where YOU are from, and reciprocate?

im not trying to dismiss the advice given here, im sorry. i dont really want to post the whole story on here but we had a disagreement over something and i was being selfish about it. its not rose tinting it, just the truth. he wouldn't give in and say what i wanted to hear so i got in a childish huff and left on a whim. i regretted leaving the next day but i was low on funds and didn't think i could afford to go back to his place because cabs arent cheap, so i stayed at the hotel (Which was already paid for and couldnt be refunded)

the problem with waiting is that it will be the end of this year/early next year when he gets enough saved to come here, and i don't feel like i can wait that long.. as much as i love him the long distance thing is incredibly hard for me..maybe im too needy but i like to be around the people i love often. the thought of waiting almost a year to see him is not good.

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

You need to listen to him. You are trying to make this work too hard. You are more invested than he is and you could end up wasting years on this guy.

but then i will be waiting for almost a year to see him? i am going to skype him later i could always suggest splitting the cost, maybe me paying 70% and him paying 30%? since i have less expenses than him in every day life

Tokyo

as much as i love him the long distance thing is incredibly hard for me...

You've summed up why most long distance relationships fail - they just aren't feasible sometimes, no matter how much we may want them to be.

You want someone to agree with you, and tell you that you should go over to him. BUT, he has asked you to wait for him to come to you. If you do care about him (and I believe that you do), you should respect his wishes. If you choose to ignore him, then you are effectively saying that his opinion doesn't matter, taking 100% control of the relationship and how it happens, and you are pushing him into a situation that you decided on, not him. How do you think that will end?

However, if you can't respect his input into the relationship and you feel that you can't wait until the end of the year, then sadly you may have to ask yourself if this long distance relationship is right for you.

LegacyUser

mike_ie wrote: »

You've summed up why most long distance relationships fail - they just aren't feasible sometimes, no matter how much we may want them to be.

You want someone to agree with you, and tell you that you should go over to him. BUT, he has asked you to wait for him to come to you. If you do care about him (and I believe that you do), you should respect his wishes. If you choose to ignore him, then you are effectively saying that his opinion doesn't matter, taking 100% control of the relationship and how it happens, and you are pushing him into a situation that you decided on, not him. How do you think that will end?

However, if you can't respect his input into the relationship and you feel that you can't wait until the end of the year, then sadly you may have to ask yourself if this long distance relationship is right for you.

he initially said for me to wait until he could come here. then he said if im sure i wouldnt be giving up anything to able to go see him again, then i could come