where to go from here

zoe 3619

Sorry lads.not done this before.seems like there's good advice being offered so here goes...been married 17 years.both if us were so,so in love when we got together.2 things never seemed right-found him hard to talk to and the sex wasn't great.ok,alarm bells sounding.but I loved him and I married him.thought it was perfect,together for ever.got pregnant.he wanted that badly.I was scared,never really wanted kids.until it went wrong.pain,bleeding,miscarriage happening.told himself,no response,changed the subject.wasn't interested.lost the baby.could handle the miscarriage,but couldn't deal with his attitude towards it.sure,anyway that's background.now we have two gorgeous boys.young teenagers.nothing these days between myself and my husband.find it hard talk to him,sex doesn't happen.he's on Facebook till early morning.never spend any time together.anyway,point is,guess we have no marriage,and haven't fir a while.but don't know how to move on.my boys love their home.say they don't ever want to live elsewhere.and I'm not leaving my boys.husband had the house before we met,so guess its his really.also,as I understand it,can't get rent benefit while there's a family home.if we had no kids,guess I'd walk out tommorow,but guess I have to watch life pass me by for another 10 year's til youngest leaves home.depressed.any thoughts?

Czarcasm

My first thought OP would be to ask have you attended any form of counselling, either by yourself or as a couple? There are a multitude of issues in your post that quite frankly you would need professional help to address, so I couldn't advise much other than to make an appointment to speak to your GP if you haven't done so already, and they would be in a better position to advise you re counselling.

With regard to your query about rent supplement, I'm not quite sure how the following may apply to your circumstances with the limited information you've given in your OP, but this may help clarify things for you -

If you own your home as joint owners and the person who leaves the family home applies for Rent Supplement they may be refused because they are considered to have an interest in the home. However, once there is a separation agreement in place and the home ownership issues have been resolved the person who left should be able to apply for Rent Supplement in their own right. They will need to have their housing need assessed by the local authority in the usual way.

Rent Supplement and changes to your circumstances

Engine No.9

Seems to me like there are a few different issues all of which you have tried to tackle but getting nowhere with. Let's take the issue of the family home first. From my experience, the family home has to be "registered" as such, that's my take on it anyway. When I bought my house in 2008, I had to sign a document stating that the house would be the family home and that if we ever broke up, I had no right to kick herself and the kids out if that's what it came to. As it happens when we did break up, she moved herself and the kids out back to her home town, but that's neither here nor there. So my reading of the issue would be, that given your husband owned the house before ye got together/married and unless he signed this document then the "family home" doesn't exist. So your fear of not getting rent benefit may not be as founded as you think.

You are deeply unhappy and that much is clear. If you want to save your marriage you really need to get your husband engaged with you in conversation and really thrash out the issues. But I honestly think there is no point unless your husband recognises the issues and is willing to talk them over in the first place.

You owe it to both yourself and your family to make sure that you are happy. There's a culture these days of telling people to get out and get on when their marriages and relationships show signs of weakness and I honestly think that that's bad advice under the wrong circumstances. I think you know yourself that you marriage is in trouble so I think it may be good in this instance. The issue is the breaking up of the family. You have a few decisions to make.

My honest opinion is that you should research your options. Find out about your entitlements and take it from there. You may find that when you find them out, your decisions will become an awful lot more instant than they have been of late.

zoe 3619

Thanx.appreciate the input.guess the point is the kids.young teenagers now.if they were babies i'd walk and take them with me.but they're old enough to know their own minds.love their home.all theyve ever known.more than anything I worry I'd walk d they wouldn't want to come with me.they're old enough I'd respect their choices,but I'm not going anywhere without them.where we live is quite unique-trees to climb,river to swim in,fields of horses etc.know the boys wouldn't want to go.said they want to stay here forever.which is lovely.would leave the husband but could never leave the boys.

Butterface

I agree with the above poster about seeking counselling.

Is there anybody else you can confide in - a sibling or friend/family member?

LegacyUser

This is so sad.

I've been there, although it was my husband who decided to leave. My kids were 16, 13 and 8 when he moved out. There was no obvious conflict, no fighting in front of the kids, etc, so they were entirely shocked that we were separating. But we managed to be outwardly amicable about the split. Do you think you could do this? If you can, it would help so much, since even if your children are teenagers, they will still be affected by separation.

I don't have much practical advice, but things do change when your children are older. Custody isn't such an issue, and your kids are at an age when they want to have less contact with their parents in general. It is worth taking their opinions on board when deciding what to do, if you can.

Mediation is a great tool, but you need to be ready for it; don't just wade in because it's the right thing to do. If one or both of you aren't ready, it just won't be useful.

Taltos

First off OP - stop beating yourself up over all of this.

Now as above really think you need to go and talk to someone. Get some counseling for yourself and learn to give yourself a break, remember it takes two people working every day to make a relationship work, it only takes one to give up though...

In terms of the house - yes your kids are grown up and they may not want to come with you but that is no reason to stay, they might be angry for a while, but if handled correctly you might be amazed at how they will be there for you, but again each child is different.

As to your husband having this house when you married, that really doesn't matter, you are entitled to a portion of it now - so this time please go talk to a solicitor and get some basic information to help you understand your rights. There is no obligation to start proceedings but at least it would put your mind at ease in terms of knowing your rights and timelines.

So to summarise
> give yourself a break, it sounds like you really just need a partner who is there emotionally for you.
> counselor
> lawyer